Assorted thoughts

Assorted thoughts...

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Weekend calls.
She hates it when things are expected between two people. I don't expect her to call me over the weekend. I know she can't unless she gets a chance to get out alone for a few minutes. On the other hand, I do think she wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to her. I don't -demand- that she call me if she gets the slightest chance. But if she wants to talk to me like i think she does, then i would think she would call given a chance. So what should I think? Should I think she got NO opportunity, that over two and a half days there was no time when she was out shopping or errand-running by herself? Seems unlikely. Or should I just accept that it's not as important to her as I'd hope it is and that while she was out it just didn't occur to her? More likely, but not an explanation i want to think of.

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Anniversaries.
B and I have talked several times about how our interpretation of time is different. I believe it's related to our ages; I'm much older than she and I seem to feel time moving by much quicker, I feel more 'urgency' to ?resolve? our relationship, whereas she's much younger and feels no urgency about the passing of time. The second anniversary of our first telephone call is this saturday. Sometime this week would be the 2nd anniversary of our first chat, and last week of our first emails. To me, it's a big deal. I can't believe that I'm in a love relationship with a woman and I've never met her, have no personal pictures of her, don't know her name or anything about her life, can't call her and yet I love her, would pack my worldly possessions and go to her immediately if she were to ask it.

On our first anniversary, she'd made secret plans to come to me, to spend a night and a day with me, to meet each other and make this real. I fucked that up and it didn't happen. Anyway, here we are with another anniversary looming. It's been on my mind daily for about three months. I have a fairly persistent fantasy that she'd try to arrange for us to get together this anniversary. But I think she's more set than ever on not meeting, at least not in the foreseeable future. I know I'm setting myself up for a huge disappointment and I just know that this weekend is going to be a very, very difficult one for me. A good weekend to tell everyone else that cares (an exceedingly small number) that I'm sick and staying in this weekend. And spend the weekend with some 80 proof medication and memories and fantasies.

Anyway, the thing that bothers me is that she's never even mentioned it. I'm not sure she'd even know it was coming if I hadn't mentioned it. Why? Is it not important to you B? It's one of the most significant dates in my life.

Old men. Old men with fantasies.

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Verbal Foreplay
We've all heard many times before that women need more foreplay than men. Also, that sexual foreplay isn't the only foreplay, that women want conversation, connection, interaction. I have to admit that I've always considered myself a pretty considerate lover and pretty understanding of the concept of foreplay, both sexual and non.

But now I know.

Friday afternoon B and I had time to talk. Thursday I'd asked her to wear a skirt on Friday; in the past I've asked her to wear something in particular or bring something to work, whatever. She has done it once or twice, but I knew that this would not be one of those times. I also knew, on Thursday, that there would be no sex on Friday, that I would not even attempt it. This is not to say we wouldn't talk about sex, just that we wouldn't have phone sex.

We didn't. But we talked. And talked. We were animated, the talk flowing fast and free. We talked about books, movies, plans, everything and nothing. And now I understand the statement about other things being "more" than just foreplay. When we hung up Friday, I felt -so- connected, so in tune, so turned on. So hungry for her.

But too late for me. She was already on her way home. To him.