Reality, interrupted

There's something radically wrong with the cosmos. And it's so unfair.

She says she likes having me in her life. That I make her happy. That she can see what it would be like together and that it'd be good.

She says he doesn't really make her happy. That for the rest of her life with him, what is now is what it'll be like. And she's not happy.

But she won't see me. Won't meet me. Won't be my lover. Won't take a chance on creating her own happiness and making a life with me.

But she won't leave him. She won't hurt him "like that". It seems to come down to she won't leave simply because she doesn't think leaving one relationship for another is a good idea. She won't leave for a fucking principle.

She won't look at what she wants, see where she wants her life to go, follow her heart to where happiness might be by leaving somewhere where she knows it's NOT.

So she'll live a life with him until she simply can't stand it anymore. In a kind of cosmic irony, he'll be the happiest one of the three of us. He won't be as happy as he could be, because I don't think he'll ever have all of her. But at most he'll feel that perhaps there could be more, a nagging feeling that there might be more in life.

But he'll have her as his partner, lover, probably wife, probably mother of his children.

She'll be, on average, about what she is now. Not happy, by a long shot, but not terrible either. She can live a life with him without putting much effort into it. Little pain, little risk, little effort. The highs might not be so high, but at least the lows won't be so low, either. She'll eventually take a lover or lovers. They'll talk less than they do now.

I'll be miserable. And alone. Not in solitude, for I'm sure I'll have lovers now and then, maybe even friends. But I'll never have her. And I'll never have another relationship like this one. Having found the person that I -want- to talk to, -want- to listen to, -want- to fucking LIVE a life with, I have to somehow learn to live without her.

How can you do that?

I have a terrible feeling that because she won't see me, eventually she won't be able to let me stay in her life, either. I believe she wants to make us real as much as I do. But she won't, so as to not hurt him "like that". I think the consequences of her self-denial will eventually make her too sad. I believe that the guilt she feels for keeping me in her life now, as confidant, lover, friend will also weigh on her. Between the guilt she feels for lying to him to keep me (but if it's important enough to her to keep me in her life that she'll lie to him, why won't she make us real??) and her ?sadness? at her own decision to not meet, I think I'll be too painful for her to keep around.

I think I'd rather meet her and have her tell me that she was completely wrong about me, that I"m an asshole and there's no fucking way she'd ever be with me than to have her deaden her own future, and mine, rather than hurt him. She should let him go, let him find someone else to love, someone who will find in him all they're looking for. She doesn't; she finds him lacking. Yet she stays. Otherwise, I have to go through life thinking we would have been great together.

Just not great enough for her to want.