What's the point?

Something many people don't realize, and I suppose I didn't either until recently, is that there's a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live.

First off, I'm not suicidal, so nobody call 911.

I don't want to die. Not at all. It holds no great allure, no promise of release from pain or whatever. But I don't really have any interest in living either. There's nothing really to live -for-, ya know?

Career? Nah. I've never really had a desire or need to leave my professional mark on the world, or to try to acheive nirvana through working. Working was always a way to money and money a way to a comfortable life. Working's easier when it's tolerable, though, so I've been lucky enough to pretty much always have decent work.

Wealth? Not so much. Everyone wants to have more money, to be "rich". Who couldn't use a few extra bucks. Okay admittedly, money is VERY tight right now and probably will be for the rest of my life, but, ok. I'll probably be able to get by, more or less.

Love? Not any more. I've found her. For two years I thought there was a chance we could bring this wonderful connection together, grow it into the relationship that it could be. This connection brought so much promise, carried in it the hope of something so special, so deep and loving and -honest-. So right.

But that's not gonna happen. She hasn't said it yet, but I feel a change in her. She hasn't vocalized the words, probably not even to herself and I don't think she's made a -decision- per se, but I feel that in her heart, she's accepted that she's staying where she is and that she'll never give us the chance to see what we could have had together.

So now what?

Work, money, love. What else is there? Frankly, if you have the love, the other two don't matter nearly as much. And what good are the other two if you don't have the love?

So back to my original statement. It's not that I want to die, but I have no desire to live this life, either.