B is back from her trip and we had a good talk yesterday afternoon.
Life is good again.
It amazes me how even when she tells me that she hasn't made any decisions about her life, that she's not leaving or even thinking about leaving bf, that she still won't meet me, that there's no "us" in the foreseeable (or possibly -any-) future, that she can still leave me feeling better about myself and like maybe I really will be able to make it through this next chapter in my life. Make no mistake though, it still sends my heart tumbling over the edge of the abyss when she tells me that we're no closer to meeting, that she can't be with me.
Is that what friends are? This actually came up in our talks yesterday - that part of my ?problem? is that she not only do I want her as a lover and a partner, but she really is my best friend. I should be as good a friend to her. I try, but I don't have the strength or the fortitude to put my feelings aside all the time, like she can. I admire her for that - it's a quality that says that she can always be a friend, a true friend, without her feelings clouding her objectivity. Of course, that same quality causes me grief too, because at other times she can completely set her feelings aside and it leaves me feeling cold and alone.
This is the end of my life. This is the beginning of my life. For my life to have ever had any meaning, for the hurt I've caused all those around me to have not been completely in vain, I have to live my life out being the person I'd like to be instead of being the person I am. Being who I am is too easy. Not satisfying, but so easy. I know I have to work, constantly, to push myself out of my comfort zone, to stretch my limits.
I think it'd be so easy (becoming the me I want to be) if B and I were together. I know that sounds simplistic, but it's true. There's so much life in her that it infuses those lucky enough to be around her. So much of the things that trouble me now would be non-issues with her around me, that working on the other things would be so much less daunting. Geez, as I reread that it sounds so... ?silly?, yet inside it feels true. Even now, I feel like I'm a better person when I'm "with" her. You can't help but be better.
I feel like she's reaching out to me.
I have to be careful that when I put my hand out to her that I don't push her away. I can be pretty damn clumsy.
Friday, April 29, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Another night, another day
Another night, another day. Last night was not a good night. But then, yesterday was not a good day, so, no surprise. I wrote a long letter to B. You'd think I was trying to talk myself out of her life, because I detailed all the reasons I don't fit into her life.
B's been away for 7 days. Bf has probably been with her 5 of those days. Even though she's been in fairly constant company of others, is it really too much to think that she could have found three minutes to call and say hi? If I'm really important to her, wouldn't she have made the time somehow, somewhere? A payphone in a ladies' room perhaps? A quick stop at a payphone while driving alone somewhere? On the other hand, this has probably been a stressful time for her, so perhaps it's unfair and selfish of me to presume that I would be on her mind.
She should be back in the office tomorrow. I know her state of mind upon returning will be harried - she'll feel a weeks' worth of things yelling out to her, demanding her attention. I wonder where I'll be on her to do list? Near the top, among the first things, something she wants to get to right away? Or will I be farther down, gotten to much later in the day after the important things have been taken care of? Even though this bears importance to me, I know it doesn't necessarily indicate her mind set; she's focused and driven and dedicated and it's entirely possible that she'd get into the office get so wrapped up in catching up that she might not call till late in the day... by which time I'll be a fucking basket case.
In my fantasy world, when she returns she'd tell me how much she missed me, missed being able to talk, how much she wanted to call but never got a chance. Since it's my fantasy, she'd also tell me that she's given it a lot of thought and she wants to meet now. She'd ask me to drive to her so we could spend some time together. Hell, since it's my fantasy, she'd ask me to stay around for a week or so so we could spend lots of time together, really get to know each other in the flesh. We'd discover that the intimate connection between us is even stronger than we think and we'd wind up as lovers.
I don't see that happening though. What'll probably happen is that I'll overwhelm her with attention, that she'll feel my neediness for her and pull back from it. She'll want to, need to just "be" for a while, not try to jump back to "there", to the closeness that I want and need. But I'll overpower her, which'll push her away, which'll make me even more empty and increase my need to connect with her... a vicious cycle.
There's something else that's been nagging at me. We were recently talking about cell phones and she told me what she has. It's a camera phone. She's had it for at least six months. Why would she not snap a pic of herself for me, when she knows what that'd mean to me? She says she hates webcams and the like because of the poor quality and the geekiness of it. But still... one picture? For a long time I've wanted her to go get a photo taken at a drugstore. A simple picture, nothing to reveal details of her life or location, just a single, simple picture. I just want a picture that I know she took just for me of her smiling at me, all just for me. I can't get her to do it, although she says she thinks about it and wants to do it. Why won't she? What harm would it do? What would I see that she doesn't want me to see?
B's been away for 7 days. Bf has probably been with her 5 of those days. Even though she's been in fairly constant company of others, is it really too much to think that she could have found three minutes to call and say hi? If I'm really important to her, wouldn't she have made the time somehow, somewhere? A payphone in a ladies' room perhaps? A quick stop at a payphone while driving alone somewhere? On the other hand, this has probably been a stressful time for her, so perhaps it's unfair and selfish of me to presume that I would be on her mind.
She should be back in the office tomorrow. I know her state of mind upon returning will be harried - she'll feel a weeks' worth of things yelling out to her, demanding her attention. I wonder where I'll be on her to do list? Near the top, among the first things, something she wants to get to right away? Or will I be farther down, gotten to much later in the day after the important things have been taken care of? Even though this bears importance to me, I know it doesn't necessarily indicate her mind set; she's focused and driven and dedicated and it's entirely possible that she'd get into the office get so wrapped up in catching up that she might not call till late in the day... by which time I'll be a fucking basket case.
In my fantasy world, when she returns she'd tell me how much she missed me, missed being able to talk, how much she wanted to call but never got a chance. Since it's my fantasy, she'd also tell me that she's given it a lot of thought and she wants to meet now. She'd ask me to drive to her so we could spend some time together. Hell, since it's my fantasy, she'd ask me to stay around for a week or so so we could spend lots of time together, really get to know each other in the flesh. We'd discover that the intimate connection between us is even stronger than we think and we'd wind up as lovers.
I don't see that happening though. What'll probably happen is that I'll overwhelm her with attention, that she'll feel my neediness for her and pull back from it. She'll want to, need to just "be" for a while, not try to jump back to "there", to the closeness that I want and need. But I'll overpower her, which'll push her away, which'll make me even more empty and increase my need to connect with her... a vicious cycle.
There's something else that's been nagging at me. We were recently talking about cell phones and she told me what she has. It's a camera phone. She's had it for at least six months. Why would she not snap a pic of herself for me, when she knows what that'd mean to me? She says she hates webcams and the like because of the poor quality and the geekiness of it. But still... one picture? For a long time I've wanted her to go get a photo taken at a drugstore. A simple picture, nothing to reveal details of her life or location, just a single, simple picture. I just want a picture that I know she took just for me of her smiling at me, all just for me. I can't get her to do it, although she says she thinks about it and wants to do it. Why won't she? What harm would it do? What would I see that she doesn't want me to see?
Monday, April 25, 2005
Trying to see the future
I'll admit it - there is a little bit of positive expectancy about my future. There are huge changes coming which should enable me to do the things I want to do, the explore the way I am, who I am. These things are, after all, the reasons for leaving my marriage.
Yet I'd be lying if I said that I'm positive and excited about the future. I'm scared. Very scared actually. I can remember saying a long time ago (seems like it was a long time ago, anyway) that "I didn't want to get to the end [of my life] and say 'geez, I wish I'd have done _____'." I can remember telling B that there were two possibilities for the rest of my life. Either a) I'd take control, make changes, explore, learn, experience the things that life has to offer, really drink it up, push myself to get out, to do, to stretch my boundaries, or b) I'd shy away, shrink back into myself and live out my life essentially the same person I am now, except alone.
Wouldn't it be a waste to hurt so many people and then to just continue being the same person I am? But do I have the gumption to make the changes I need to make?
And what of B? Four days out of touch and at least two more to go, and with the other things (previous posts) I'm feeling really pessimistic. I feel like the chances of having her in my life, beyond the way she is now, are low...very low. I've been trying to look at the whole situation as objectively as I can and I'm just not a likely choice for her.
That alone is enough to sink any ship of dreams.
Yet I'd be lying if I said that I'm positive and excited about the future. I'm scared. Very scared actually. I can remember saying a long time ago (seems like it was a long time ago, anyway) that "I didn't want to get to the end [of my life] and say 'geez, I wish I'd have done _____'." I can remember telling B that there were two possibilities for the rest of my life. Either a) I'd take control, make changes, explore, learn, experience the things that life has to offer, really drink it up, push myself to get out, to do, to stretch my boundaries, or b) I'd shy away, shrink back into myself and live out my life essentially the same person I am now, except alone.
Wouldn't it be a waste to hurt so many people and then to just continue being the same person I am? But do I have the gumption to make the changes I need to make?
And what of B? Four days out of touch and at least two more to go, and with the other things (previous posts) I'm feeling really pessimistic. I feel like the chances of having her in my life, beyond the way she is now, are low...very low. I've been trying to look at the whole situation as objectively as I can and I'm just not a likely choice for her.
That alone is enough to sink any ship of dreams.
Friday, April 22, 2005
As the world turns
You know how in movies sometimes you see someone who's mortally wounded or terminally ill and as the last few minutes of their lives tick by they're so calm, serene almost? I've always wondered how they could be so accepting of their impending demise.
Anyway, that's not the point. I've also wondered what it must be like to feel everything coming to an end, to know that beyond some point in time in the very near future, that there's nothing else? To know that everything that was will be gone, no more. To know that everything that they were, who they were, all they did, everything about them would be gone, just cease to be.
I think I'm starting to know that feeling.
Anyway, that's not the point. I've also wondered what it must be like to feel everything coming to an end, to know that beyond some point in time in the very near future, that there's nothing else? To know that everything that was will be gone, no more. To know that everything that they were, who they were, all they did, everything about them would be gone, just cease to be.
I think I'm starting to know that feeling.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
A question of faith
I don't know why I did it.
I wish I hadn't.
In our relationship, there's always been this question about identity - hers. She's resisted disclosing much in the way of personal information so she could maintain control of her privacy. Understandable. I've always thought women should be extra careful on the internet.
I may be naive, but I've never tried to conceal my identity from B. From the beginning, she's had my work, cell and home phone numbers, my addresses, everything. I've given her pictures of myself and of current events in my life.
Throughout our relationship I've collected little bits and pieces about her that she'd divulge. A large part of my profession is problem solving - figuring things out. So this was another challenging puzzle, one that held special interest for me because she was the object of it. There've been times when I've doubted that her name is what she's told me and she's always been very hurt that I thought she was lying to me.
To be honest, I'm not sure if I really care if her name is X or Y. It's not her name or her identity that is important to me, it's the mind, the personality, the woman behind the name. I like her, love her. Yes it bothers me some that after this amount of time, after our relationship has grown so deep and so intimate, after everything we've become to each other that she still doesn't ?trust? me enough to be completely open with me.
Through our conversations and what I've picked up, there's a particular woman who I believed was really B, even though she denied it. There are a number of coincidental simularities that could easily lead one to believe the same thing. B has always denied that it's her.
As of today, B had to go on travel for several days. Turns out the other woman is also out of the office, as of today, for the same amount of time and for the same reason.
Could this be yet another amazing coincidence? Yes, it could. Is it likely, especially given the long string of other coincidental items? I don't know.
I think the real question for me is "Do I care?". What if this is B? Does it change the way I feel about her? The honest answer is no. Again, I love -B-, not her name. Yes, I'll be hurt that she's lied to me all this time, even when directly asked. Many months ago I gave her an "amnesty day" and asked if there was -anything- she'd lied to me about that she wanted to come clean on. She said no. I've wondered many times if perhaps she'd hidden her identity from the beginning, as would have been prudent, then when our relationship unexpectedly became more, if maybe she didn't feel trapped by the lies, like she couldn't come clean without being ?embarrassed? or whatever. She's always treated lying as a serious offence, so I can see why she might feel trapped.
So again - "Do I care?". And again, my answer is no. Logic might say that if this has been a lie then what about the rest of our relationship? Does she really feel toward me like she says she does? Does she want the things that I want, that we've discovered together that we both want? Is there really the strife and troubles in her home life, between her and bf that she tells me? But my heart dismisses that theory. There is no way, absolutely NO WAY that the friendship, the like, the love, the emotion that is between us is anything other than genuine. These things, felt like they are between us, cannot be faked.
So again - "Do I care?". No. Whether her name is X or Y or Mergatroid doesn't matter. Do I want to know? Of course I do. But this, whether true or not, does not change how I feel about her in the least.
The only bad thing is that it'll be days until I get to talk to her again. Days for this to sit inside me and eat away at me.
I wish I hadn't done it.
I wish I hadn't.
In our relationship, there's always been this question about identity - hers. She's resisted disclosing much in the way of personal information so she could maintain control of her privacy. Understandable. I've always thought women should be extra careful on the internet.
I may be naive, but I've never tried to conceal my identity from B. From the beginning, she's had my work, cell and home phone numbers, my addresses, everything. I've given her pictures of myself and of current events in my life.
Throughout our relationship I've collected little bits and pieces about her that she'd divulge. A large part of my profession is problem solving - figuring things out. So this was another challenging puzzle, one that held special interest for me because she was the object of it. There've been times when I've doubted that her name is what she's told me and she's always been very hurt that I thought she was lying to me.
To be honest, I'm not sure if I really care if her name is X or Y. It's not her name or her identity that is important to me, it's the mind, the personality, the woman behind the name. I like her, love her. Yes it bothers me some that after this amount of time, after our relationship has grown so deep and so intimate, after everything we've become to each other that she still doesn't ?trust? me enough to be completely open with me.
Through our conversations and what I've picked up, there's a particular woman who I believed was really B, even though she denied it. There are a number of coincidental simularities that could easily lead one to believe the same thing. B has always denied that it's her.
As of today, B had to go on travel for several days. Turns out the other woman is also out of the office, as of today, for the same amount of time and for the same reason.
Could this be yet another amazing coincidence? Yes, it could. Is it likely, especially given the long string of other coincidental items? I don't know.
I think the real question for me is "Do I care?". What if this is B? Does it change the way I feel about her? The honest answer is no. Again, I love -B-, not her name. Yes, I'll be hurt that she's lied to me all this time, even when directly asked. Many months ago I gave her an "amnesty day" and asked if there was -anything- she'd lied to me about that she wanted to come clean on. She said no. I've wondered many times if perhaps she'd hidden her identity from the beginning, as would have been prudent, then when our relationship unexpectedly became more, if maybe she didn't feel trapped by the lies, like she couldn't come clean without being ?embarrassed? or whatever. She's always treated lying as a serious offence, so I can see why she might feel trapped.
So again - "Do I care?". And again, my answer is no. Logic might say that if this has been a lie then what about the rest of our relationship? Does she really feel toward me like she says she does? Does she want the things that I want, that we've discovered together that we both want? Is there really the strife and troubles in her home life, between her and bf that she tells me? But my heart dismisses that theory. There is no way, absolutely NO WAY that the friendship, the like, the love, the emotion that is between us is anything other than genuine. These things, felt like they are between us, cannot be faked.
So again - "Do I care?". No. Whether her name is X or Y or Mergatroid doesn't matter. Do I want to know? Of course I do. But this, whether true or not, does not change how I feel about her in the least.
The only bad thing is that it'll be days until I get to talk to her again. Days for this to sit inside me and eat away at me.
I wish I hadn't done it.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Matter, Anti-Matter
The best laid plans of mice and men.. and all that crap.
Just got back from several days of travel during which time B and I had some great talks. We, well I, had hopes we'd meet, but that's not to be, yet. Got back today, feeling full of hope and optimism for the future, thinking that this week we'd have lots of time for conversation and renewal.
BZZZT!! But thank you for playing...
Something serious happened in her world and she's going to be gone for at least a week, possibly 10 days or more. Of course, bf is going with her, so there'll be exactly, um NO chance we'll be able to talk, -at all- during that time.
My employment here is coming to an end in a matter of days.
My divorce is nearly final.
On the only plus side, there'll be a minor milestone in a hobby of mine, which I'd hoped to be able to share with her. But now I can't.
We had some letters we've been trying to read together for almost two weeks. Those'll fade out of memory too.
So instead of a couple of weeks of easy, relaxed conversation, we'll get -nothing-. Nothing. And truthfully, I've been trying not to look at the confluence of events going coming together in the next few weeks. I knew I was counting on her being here and being available for support. I just didn't realize how much I was counting on that until I now look at the very near future and I'm realizing that I have to do it on my own and the sinking fear, the sense of trying to tread water with all these weights tied to my feet comes full blown over me. I can feel the panic rising. And the despair settling.
It's so funny to think back just a few hours on my last post and on how resolved I felt and sounded that I wouldn't be needy, wouldn't keep putting my needs, my crap into the center of our conversations. Doesn't matter whether or not I have the strength to keep that resolution now - she won't be available anyway.
Maybe it's better. I pull strength from her all the time, even when she doesn't know it. Just knowing that she's there and cares about me gives me strength. It'll give me strength during this time too... but she's going to be gone for such a long period, a period filled with so many huge -things-.
Maybe this is cosmic revenge, karma coming back to me for payback. For all the time I've known B, the things that are happening soon have been on the horizon. Now they're here, all of them and all at the same time. And all at a time when B won't be available. It's like a cosmic joke, a kharmic "got ya!" as payback for all the pain I've caused other people over this period.
Maybe it's a test - if I can make it through this combination of events, I should be able to make it through almost anything, shouldn't I? Making it through this alive even with B seemed barely doable. It's seemingly impossible without her.
And just to throw that last little bit of gasoline on the wildfire, she'll be gone for up to two weeks of time, a very emotional time for all involved, where her and bf will be in close quarters, in an emotionally charged atmosphere. Two weeks - no distraction of me and in an emotionally charged environment with bf. There'll be so much going on, with absolutely no reminders of me or us or this friendship, what'll happen when she returns home?
I should look on the bright side.. I bet I lose some weight.
Just got back from several days of travel during which time B and I had some great talks. We, well I, had hopes we'd meet, but that's not to be, yet. Got back today, feeling full of hope and optimism for the future, thinking that this week we'd have lots of time for conversation and renewal.
BZZZT!! But thank you for playing...
Something serious happened in her world and she's going to be gone for at least a week, possibly 10 days or more. Of course, bf is going with her, so there'll be exactly, um NO chance we'll be able to talk, -at all- during that time.
My employment here is coming to an end in a matter of days.
My divorce is nearly final.
On the only plus side, there'll be a minor milestone in a hobby of mine, which I'd hoped to be able to share with her. But now I can't.
We had some letters we've been trying to read together for almost two weeks. Those'll fade out of memory too.
So instead of a couple of weeks of easy, relaxed conversation, we'll get -nothing-. Nothing. And truthfully, I've been trying not to look at the confluence of events going coming together in the next few weeks. I knew I was counting on her being here and being available for support. I just didn't realize how much I was counting on that until I now look at the very near future and I'm realizing that I have to do it on my own and the sinking fear, the sense of trying to tread water with all these weights tied to my feet comes full blown over me. I can feel the panic rising. And the despair settling.
It's so funny to think back just a few hours on my last post and on how resolved I felt and sounded that I wouldn't be needy, wouldn't keep putting my needs, my crap into the center of our conversations. Doesn't matter whether or not I have the strength to keep that resolution now - she won't be available anyway.
Maybe it's better. I pull strength from her all the time, even when she doesn't know it. Just knowing that she's there and cares about me gives me strength. It'll give me strength during this time too... but she's going to be gone for such a long period, a period filled with so many huge -things-.
Maybe this is cosmic revenge, karma coming back to me for payback. For all the time I've known B, the things that are happening soon have been on the horizon. Now they're here, all of them and all at the same time. And all at a time when B won't be available. It's like a cosmic joke, a kharmic "got ya!" as payback for all the pain I've caused other people over this period.
Maybe it's a test - if I can make it through this combination of events, I should be able to make it through almost anything, shouldn't I? Making it through this alive even with B seemed barely doable. It's seemingly impossible without her.
And just to throw that last little bit of gasoline on the wildfire, she'll be gone for up to two weeks of time, a very emotional time for all involved, where her and bf will be in close quarters, in an emotionally charged atmosphere. Two weeks - no distraction of me and in an emotionally charged environment with bf. There'll be so much going on, with absolutely no reminders of me or us or this friendship, what'll happen when she returns home?
I should look on the bright side.
Trying hard
Back from my travels. Overall not a bad trip - except she still hasn't consented to seeing me.
We had good talks on Thursday and Friday and again on Monday. As much as I hate, HATE leaving her for the weekend, we've been so good lately that it wasn't as painful as usual. Of course, it also helped that she sent me an email Friday afternoon, out of the blue, just to say hi and to (I'm going to say) touch me for the weekend. Of course, it doesn't hurt that she wrote
I'd hoped that even though she'd declined to see me Thursday or Friday that after thinking about it over the weekend (I asked her to please consider it over the weekend) that maybe she'd change her mind. I'm still not sure why it is that I think that anything I do will influence her. When she's ready (if) she'll say so. I know that just as surely as she does - so why do I continue to ask? I'm not sure. I can't do anything to influence it.
It's been good - we've been good. The undercurrents in our conversations are strong, like before. It feels good to get back to being able to talk, really talk. The secret of course is what she's said all along - "don't force it".
She's always right (argh!). And I'm starting to see that she always tells me what to do to make us better - it's just that she doesn't often say it directly and I don't see it for what it is, think it's not the answer to the question I asked and therefore don't apply it. You'd think I'd learn. Maybe I am, finally.
I'm glad she's back. It's good to have my friend back. I've missed her. So very much. I'm so happy she's back.
We had good talks on Thursday and Friday and again on Monday. As much as I hate, HATE leaving her for the weekend, we've been so good lately that it wasn't as painful as usual. Of course, it also helped that she sent me an email Friday afternoon, out of the blue, just to say hi and to (I'm going to say) touch me for the weekend. Of course, it doesn't hurt that she wrote
"You're in my heart and in my mind - always."
I'd hoped that even though she'd declined to see me Thursday or Friday that after thinking about it over the weekend (I asked her to please consider it over the weekend) that maybe she'd change her mind. I'm still not sure why it is that I think that anything I do will influence her. When she's ready (if) she'll say so. I know that just as surely as she does - so why do I continue to ask? I'm not sure. I can't do anything to influence it.
It's been good - we've been good. The undercurrents in our conversations are strong, like before. It feels good to get back to being able to talk, really talk. The secret of course is what she's said all along - "don't force it".
She's always right (argh!). And I'm starting to see that she always tells me what to do to make us better - it's just that she doesn't often say it directly and I don't see it for what it is, think it's not the answer to the question I asked and therefore don't apply it. You'd think I'd learn. Maybe I am, finally.
I'm glad she's back. It's good to have my friend back. I've missed her. So very much. I'm so happy she's back.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
How?
How can I explain how it feels to hear her like she was this afternoon? She was up and lively and vivacious and laughing and just... her. Exactly like she should be and always was - before. It's impossible, without sounding cliche' or using just overly exaggerated hyperbole to explain how she makes me feel, how it makes me feel to hear her so up. How good it feels just to have her attention just for a few short minutes.
I can't tell her how good this makes me feel. Nor can I tell her how upset I am when she tells me that she isn't sleeping or that she (or they) had a bad night. It matters to me how she feels and what she's thinking about, where her head is, what her emotional state is. It's important to me. When she laughs, I can hear her face light up. When she's focused, I can hear the intensity in her voice. When she's distant from me, I can hear and feel and taste and smell it and feel the crushing weight of her distance.
I can't tell her how good this makes me feel. Nor can I tell her how upset I am when she tells me that she isn't sleeping or that she (or they) had a bad night. It matters to me how she feels and what she's thinking about, where her head is, what her emotional state is. It's important to me. When she laughs, I can hear her face light up. When she's focused, I can hear the intensity in her voice. When she's distant from me, I can hear and feel and taste and smell it and feel the crushing weight of her distance.
Ok.. I was wrong.
Yesterday with B was pretty good. It'd been a long three days without talking to her (I was -sure- she would find a way to call on Friday.... but I was wrong). We had a good day, good chats and good talk, although not much. She was suffering from a severe headache, which worsened throughout the day.
When it got close to our normal time to talk, I was getting anxious, as I always do, eager to talk, to spend some time with her. Then outta the blue she says she's leaving soon. WHAT!!???! She said she wasn't doing well, feeling really bad.
I wait, patiently. Okay, maybe not so patiently, but I don't bug her. Twenty minutes go by. She says she's wrapping things up. Twenty more minutes. Still she can't (or won't) talk. Finally she calls. I'm stammering, trying to ask why she couldn't call earlier, yet knowing that she didn't feel good and I should just accept whatever time she'll give me.
My problem - we often talk while she's finishing up. The conversation's slow, but at least we're talking. Why couldn't we talk during that time, eve if she didn't feel good? I was confused, hurt, feeling rejected. Beside myself.
And all the time I knew I was being a jerk. SHE DIDN'T FEEL GOOD! Fuck me... why would I continue to push for my needs, be upset because I wasn't getting what I wanted, when the woman I love is in pain? FUCK. Fuck. Fuck. Am I always this selfish and self-centered? No wonder she won't meet me.
Speaking of which, my travel is coming up. I'm going to ask her, again, as I always do, if she'll meet me. I'm always so hopeful. When things have been good, like they've been (yesterday notwithstanding), I always feel this growing spring of hope deep within.. maybe this time she'll meet me, just for lunch. Maybe she'll change her mind and want to see me. Maybe. Maybe. Just maybe. And then I start to feel this counterbalancing sink hole of doubt and despair also opening up. I know there's no reason she'd consent to meet me this time - things haven't changed with her at home and with bf. She's still there. But maybe she will. I try not to let the disappointment I'll feel when she says no overwhelm me. I'll start to feel the tension growing that I know I'll feel when I'm so close to her (within a few hours) for 5 days. So close, yet she'll still be so far out of reach. It seems such a simple thing - to meet for lunch. Of course that's not what it's all about. Just to meet her, see her, have her for a few minutes. To be able to talk to her, hear her laugh, see her with my own eyes.... to make her real. Funny though - I still have this fear that when we do finally meet that she'll be disappointed, won't like how I look, won't like -me- in person.
Mid-day update:
In yet another demonstration of my impeccably bad timing, and another illustration of my over-eagerness or over-anxiousness regarding B, I blurted out the question. At the end of a short lunchtime conversation during which we were neither close nor far apart, I just had to say to her "Will you think about meeting me for lunch Thursday?". When she said "Yeah, I'll think about it", the tone of her voice told me immediately that her answer was no. Not only no, but she was clearly annoyed about me asking. I asked her about it and she said she wasn't in a good frame of mind right now. So, fucking wonderful. Because I couldn't wait until we had talked for a while and reconnected, I've probably blown it for this trip.
What the fuck is wrong with me that I can't read her before I say or do something stupid?
And what the fuck is wrong with me that she won't or can't bring herself to meet me?
When it got close to our normal time to talk, I was getting anxious, as I always do, eager to talk, to spend some time with her. Then outta the blue she says she's leaving soon. WHAT!!???! She said she wasn't doing well, feeling really bad.
I wait, patiently. Okay, maybe not so patiently, but I don't bug her. Twenty minutes go by. She says she's wrapping things up. Twenty more minutes. Still she can't (or won't) talk. Finally she calls. I'm stammering, trying to ask why she couldn't call earlier, yet knowing that she didn't feel good and I should just accept whatever time she'll give me.
My problem - we often talk while she's finishing up. The conversation's slow, but at least we're talking. Why couldn't we talk during that time, eve if she didn't feel good? I was confused, hurt, feeling rejected. Beside myself.
And all the time I knew I was being a jerk. SHE DIDN'T FEEL GOOD! Fuck me... why would I continue to push for my needs, be upset because I wasn't getting what I wanted, when the woman I love is in pain? FUCK. Fuck. Fuck. Am I always this selfish and self-centered? No wonder she won't meet me.
Speaking of which, my travel is coming up. I'm going to ask her, again, as I always do, if she'll meet me. I'm always so hopeful. When things have been good, like they've been (yesterday notwithstanding), I always feel this growing spring of hope deep within.. maybe this time she'll meet me, just for lunch. Maybe she'll change her mind and want to see me. Maybe. Maybe. Just maybe. And then I start to feel this counterbalancing sink hole of doubt and despair also opening up. I know there's no reason she'd consent to meet me this time - things haven't changed with her at home and with bf. She's still there. But maybe she will. I try not to let the disappointment I'll feel when she says no overwhelm me. I'll start to feel the tension growing that I know I'll feel when I'm so close to her (within a few hours) for 5 days. So close, yet she'll still be so far out of reach. It seems such a simple thing - to meet for lunch. Of course that's not what it's all about. Just to meet her, see her, have her for a few minutes. To be able to talk to her, hear her laugh, see her with my own eyes.... to make her real. Funny though - I still have this fear that when we do finally meet that she'll be disappointed, won't like how I look, won't like -me- in person.
Mid-day update:
In yet another demonstration of my impeccably bad timing, and another illustration of my over-eagerness or over-anxiousness regarding B, I blurted out the question. At the end of a short lunchtime conversation during which we were neither close nor far apart, I just had to say to her "Will you think about meeting me for lunch Thursday?". When she said "Yeah, I'll think about it", the tone of her voice told me immediately that her answer was no. Not only no, but she was clearly annoyed about me asking. I asked her about it and she said she wasn't in a good frame of mind right now. So, fucking wonderful. Because I couldn't wait until we had talked for a while and reconnected, I've probably blown it for this trip.
What the fuck is wrong with me that I can't read her before I say or do something stupid?
And what the fuck is wrong with me that she won't or can't bring herself to meet me?
Monday, April 11, 2005
Another week, II
And so another week starts. The last few have been good, great actually. Well, not "finished" great, but "getting better" great. B and I have been close, talking a lot, re-discovering each other a lot.
It's been good; long overdue.
It was a long weekend though, another damn 3 day weekend - 3 days without her. She didn't work Friday, so we haven't spoken since Thursday evening. I'd hoped she'd find a way to call on Friday but she didn't, or couldn't. Of course I still hope she'll find a way to call on the weekend, even just a quick hi. She called once, about 3 weeks ago, late on a Saturday afternoon. I knew it had to be her when I saw the area code on the caller id. I answered (2nd ring) but she wasn't there. I redialed the number - I was positive it was her and from a payphone - but no answer. DAMN! When we talked the following Monday she told me it was her but she'd hung up because she didn't want the area code to show up on my phone bill. Anyway, so now I wait for her today. She could be, should be, in the office by now, probably even got in early since she wasn't in the office Friday. I hate waiting for her but love it when she calls.
I'll be traveling soon and within easy driving distance of B. I'll ask her, again, if she'll meet me. She probably won't ... but she might. I know in my heart she wants to, perhaps as much as I want it. Will she say yes this time?
It's been good; long overdue.
It was a long weekend though, another damn 3 day weekend - 3 days without her. She didn't work Friday, so we haven't spoken since Thursday evening. I'd hoped she'd find a way to call on Friday but she didn't, or couldn't. Of course I still hope she'll find a way to call on the weekend, even just a quick hi. She called once, about 3 weeks ago, late on a Saturday afternoon. I knew it had to be her when I saw the area code on the caller id. I answered (2nd ring) but she wasn't there. I redialed the number - I was positive it was her and from a payphone - but no answer. DAMN! When we talked the following Monday she told me it was her but she'd hung up because she didn't want the area code to show up on my phone bill. Anyway, so now I wait for her today. She could be, should be, in the office by now, probably even got in early since she wasn't in the office Friday. I hate waiting for her but love it when she calls.
I'll be traveling soon and within easy driving distance of B. I'll ask her, again, if she'll meet me. She probably won't ... but she might. I know in my heart she wants to, perhaps as much as I want it. Will she say yes this time?
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Finding the Strength
The other day when B and I talked she said some things to me that were very, very important to me. I knew immediately in her voice that the "old B" was there. I was coming off one of my worst days in a long time - how's that for a dichotomy of emotions? I asked her if she wanted me to "stick around" - she said she'd like me to. She told me she wanted me to know that she's not just closed off to me, that she's been closed off to everyone.
And the thing she said that meant more to me than anything - she said "you mean a lot to me, you're important to me and you've touched my heart." I'm not sure I've ever heard sweeter words, at least not in a long time (okay, since the last time she told me she loved me).
The rest of that day was great. We had a couple of phone conversations about business stuff, then a nice long talk in the evening, again mostly business, but it doesn't matter to me. It doesn't really matter to me what we talk about - business, computers, movies, work, money, news, anything. Just the act of talking to her is important. I've never felt so connected, no, maybe "involved in the conversation" is a better description, as when we talk. Even these days talking to anyone else, my mind wanders, I get bored. But not when I talk to her - I'm completely focused. I don't think it's -me- though, I think it's -her-. Something about her pulls me, keeps me involved. She makes me think what I have to say is important, that it actually has some value. She talks to me like she truly -wants- to tell -me- things.
And then there was today. A very short "hi" IM at 11, a brief IM at 3, then finally a call about 4:30. But I could tell she wasn't there, wasn't into talking. Not completely sure if she wasn't into talking at all or just not into talking to me. They're both bad, the latter just more so. They're both bad because before, we'd have talked anyway. She'd have been glad to be talking to -me-, even if she didn't have much to say or really didn't feel like talking in general, there'd have been some gladness in her that -we- were talking.
Not today. Not anymore it seems. When she's closed off, withdrawn, that's it - I'm shut out like the rest of the world. Except the rest of the world gets her - they get to see her, be around her, have her in their physical world. She'll go home to bf and she may still be closed off, still be non-talkative, but there'll be some interaction. She'll be there, with him. There'll be dinner, maybe TV, some small talk. There'll be bedtime. Even without sex, she'll be there, touchable, close. He has no idea what a treasure he has, just inches away from him.
When she -wants- to get off the phone, -wants- to not talk anymore, it kills me, rips my heart from my chest. I long for her contact so much, crave it, need it. Fine, I've already admitted I'm obsessed, but not stalker-fan obsessed. I'm found-the-one-I-love obsessed. She used to joke that in my mental picture of her she was always on a pedastal, that when she walked, she didn't walk, her feet didn't touch the ground but she glided across it. It's TRUE! That's how I see her.
And the thing she said that meant more to me than anything - she said "you mean a lot to me, you're important to me and you've touched my heart." I'm not sure I've ever heard sweeter words, at least not in a long time (okay, since the last time she told me she loved me).
The rest of that day was great. We had a couple of phone conversations about business stuff, then a nice long talk in the evening, again mostly business, but it doesn't matter to me. It doesn't really matter to me what we talk about - business, computers, movies, work, money, news, anything. Just the act of talking to her is important. I've never felt so connected, no, maybe "involved in the conversation" is a better description, as when we talk. Even these days talking to anyone else, my mind wanders, I get bored. But not when I talk to her - I'm completely focused. I don't think it's -me- though, I think it's -her-. Something about her pulls me, keeps me involved. She makes me think what I have to say is important, that it actually has some value. She talks to me like she truly -wants- to tell -me- things.
And then there was today. A very short "hi" IM at 11, a brief IM at 3, then finally a call about 4:30. But I could tell she wasn't there, wasn't into talking. Not completely sure if she wasn't into talking at all or just not into talking to me. They're both bad, the latter just more so. They're both bad because before, we'd have talked anyway. She'd have been glad to be talking to -me-, even if she didn't have much to say or really didn't feel like talking in general, there'd have been some gladness in her that -we- were talking.
Not today. Not anymore it seems. When she's closed off, withdrawn, that's it - I'm shut out like the rest of the world. Except the rest of the world gets her - they get to see her, be around her, have her in their physical world. She'll go home to bf and she may still be closed off, still be non-talkative, but there'll be some interaction. She'll be there, with him. There'll be dinner, maybe TV, some small talk. There'll be bedtime. Even without sex, she'll be there, touchable, close. He has no idea what a treasure he has, just inches away from him.
When she -wants- to get off the phone, -wants- to not talk anymore, it kills me, rips my heart from my chest. I long for her contact so much, crave it, need it. Fine, I've already admitted I'm obsessed, but not stalker-fan obsessed. I'm found-the-one-I-love obsessed. She used to joke that in my mental picture of her she was always on a pedastal, that when she walked, she didn't walk, her feet didn't touch the ground but she glided across it. It's TRUE! That's how I see her.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Catching up
Wow...it's been almost three weeks since I've written anything here. My lack of written thoughts doesn't imply that nothings' happened in my life though, that's for sure.....
So much has happened. I was sure I'd lost her. Then we were talking again. I was in her area and stupidly spent time trying to find her. I didn't start out to find her - I'd hoped that if I was close to her area that she'd agree to meet me for lunch. Just for lunch. She'd told me no in no uncertain terms, so what fucking mental defect do I have that allows me to convince myself that "well, maybe if I'm geographically closer to her she'll change her mind"? Fuck me.
Not only did I do this once, I did it on two days. Idiot. I'm sure she was more disappointed and put off by me and my actions by the end of the second day than ever. G-d she just doesn't understand how much I need to see her, to meet her, to make her real to my world. That day, the disappointment that I caused myself that day, was probably the lowest, worst I've felt in a long, long time.
When I drove home that night, I was ten times lower than despondent. I found myself crying out loud, talking to myself even, trying to make some sense of all of it. Sometimes I found myself just driving, not even aware of where I was. There's a section of about 70 miles with no gas stations. About an hour before I reached it, I made a note to get gas before crossing that section. The next thing I knew, I was 35 miles into it and my gas light blinked on. Fuck me. Turns out that there's now a gas station about half way across, so I made it there with literally fumes to spare.
We've been talking and keeping it together since then. We're having a lot less time to talk than we ever have and I'm not taking it very well.
Yesterday was another particularly low day. B called mid morning for a few minutes. I knew immediately that she was distant, but something was different, although frankly I'm not sure if it was in her or in me. After we hung up, I just sat at my desk for about 15 minutes. I was numb. I was hurting. I was trying to not burst into sobs at my desk. I managed to keep it together for awhile, but when I knew I was losing the battle I went out into my car and drove to a deserted section of the parking lot. That probably wasn't a good move either, as the place I parked was the same place I used to go when B and I talked all the time. Being there, together with the emotions from the short morning call was all I could stand. I sat there, bawling, for about 30 minutes.
Men and women who read this, if any, will probably not understand how a grown man could cry so much. Frankly, I hope they never can understand it. Because to really understand what I feel, they'd have to be on the verge of losing the most important person in their life. They'd have to see the person they love withdraw from the world, from them, pull away until they were almost out of reach. They'd have to live not knowing if that person wanted them in their lives anymore, hoping desperately that they do, yet also being afraid that the person they love was feeling withdrawn because of the love they felt for that person. I hope, truly hope that no one ever discovers that feeling, because it is the lowest point you can ever be.
She said "maybe" we'd talk later in the afternoon yesterday. When it got to be about 6pm I gave up hope of hearing from her again that day. Inside, I could feel more hope of having her in my life slipping away as well. And damn it if I wasn't sitting here crying again when the phone rang and it was her. We had a short talk and then she was gone, but it made all the difference in the world to me.
So much has happened. I was sure I'd lost her. Then we were talking again. I was in her area and stupidly spent time trying to find her. I didn't start out to find her - I'd hoped that if I was close to her area that she'd agree to meet me for lunch. Just for lunch. She'd told me no in no uncertain terms, so what fucking mental defect do I have that allows me to convince myself that "well, maybe if I'm geographically closer to her she'll change her mind"? Fuck me.
Not only did I do this once, I did it on two days. Idiot. I'm sure she was more disappointed and put off by me and my actions by the end of the second day than ever. G-d she just doesn't understand how much I need to see her, to meet her, to make her real to my world. That day, the disappointment that I caused myself that day, was probably the lowest, worst I've felt in a long, long time.
When I drove home that night, I was ten times lower than despondent. I found myself crying out loud, talking to myself even, trying to make some sense of all of it. Sometimes I found myself just driving, not even aware of where I was. There's a section of about 70 miles with no gas stations. About an hour before I reached it, I made a note to get gas before crossing that section. The next thing I knew, I was 35 miles into it and my gas light blinked on. Fuck me. Turns out that there's now a gas station about half way across, so I made it there with literally fumes to spare.
We've been talking and keeping it together since then. We're having a lot less time to talk than we ever have and I'm not taking it very well.
Yesterday was another particularly low day. B called mid morning for a few minutes. I knew immediately that she was distant, but something was different, although frankly I'm not sure if it was in her or in me. After we hung up, I just sat at my desk for about 15 minutes. I was numb. I was hurting. I was trying to not burst into sobs at my desk. I managed to keep it together for awhile, but when I knew I was losing the battle I went out into my car and drove to a deserted section of the parking lot. That probably wasn't a good move either, as the place I parked was the same place I used to go when B and I talked all the time. Being there, together with the emotions from the short morning call was all I could stand. I sat there, bawling, for about 30 minutes.
Men and women who read this, if any, will probably not understand how a grown man could cry so much. Frankly, I hope they never can understand it. Because to really understand what I feel, they'd have to be on the verge of losing the most important person in their life. They'd have to see the person they love withdraw from the world, from them, pull away until they were almost out of reach. They'd have to live not knowing if that person wanted them in their lives anymore, hoping desperately that they do, yet also being afraid that the person they love was feeling withdrawn because of the love they felt for that person. I hope, truly hope that no one ever discovers that feeling, because it is the lowest point you can ever be.
She said "maybe" we'd talk later in the afternoon yesterday. When it got to be about 6pm I gave up hope of hearing from her again that day. Inside, I could feel more hope of having her in my life slipping away as well. And damn it if I wasn't sitting here crying again when the phone rang and it was her. We had a short talk and then she was gone, but it made all the difference in the world to me.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Why can't I explain myself?
I'm no Pulitzer Prize winning writer, that I know. But I can generally get my idea across, whether written or spoken.
So why can't I make myself understood by B? What is it I'm saying or not saying that's interfering with the message? I have to think that I've explained myself clearly. Certainly I've attempted to get the message to her on many occasions, probably too many occasions.
If in fact I'm able to clearly convey a message, then either the message is wrong or the recipient isn't open to the message.
My message is pretty plain I think.
B - I want you in my life. I want to be your friend. I want to be your lover too, but I also want to be your friend. We've been so close before - we can be close again. As far as I'm concerned, we're close right now - we just haven't been letting that surface. We're good together - we talk, we connect, we challenge each other, help each other. If you wanted a committed, exclusive relationship, I'm ready - today. Or tomorrow. Or next month. Just tell me. If you want "us" to continue as we've been, I'm ready for that too. But make no mistake B - I want you, need you in my life and I want to be part of yours. (I admit, I want to be an important part of yours.)
So tell me - is that not clear? Is it too many words? I can make it shorter, sweeter, more succinct: B, I love you and I want you - however you'll have me.
Better?
So if the message is clear and it's being conveyed to her, then there must be something else. If I've clearly made it known what I'm offering (all of me or as much as she'll have) then she must not want what I offer.
She must not want me.
Wow. That same thought has been in and out of my mind for some time now. I've tried to push it away, thinking that I knew in my heart that it wasn't true, wasn't so. Five short words. A lifetime of meaning. A changed lifetime. All that could have been - gone.
She must not want me. (as a partner)
It's incredibly hard to let those words and the meaning of them penetrate my mind. It's hard just to see them arranged on the screen in that order.
She must not want me. (as a lover)
If only I could get the "not" removed, so much would be different.
She must not want me. (as a friend)
Those words are a fork in the road of my life. I'd once said to her that we were at a fork in the road of our lives, seperately and together and that what she chose to do would forever alter both of our lives from that point forward. It would seem it's not that way now.
She must not want me. (in her life)
It would seem that this moment is a fork in the road of only my life. No, not a fork, but a turn. A change in direction. Bridge out. Road closed. No thru street. If those five words are true, then today, this moment doesn't change her life. Only mine.
She must not want me. (at all)
We tell our children "You can be anything you want to be", "You can do anything you set your mind to".
Bullshit. It's all crap. I can't be B's lover. I can't make her let me be her friend. I can't make her want me.
So why can't I make myself understood by B? What is it I'm saying or not saying that's interfering with the message? I have to think that I've explained myself clearly. Certainly I've attempted to get the message to her on many occasions, probably too many occasions.
If in fact I'm able to clearly convey a message, then either the message is wrong or the recipient isn't open to the message.
My message is pretty plain I think.
B - I want you in my life. I want to be your friend. I want to be your lover too, but I also want to be your friend. We've been so close before - we can be close again. As far as I'm concerned, we're close right now - we just haven't been letting that surface. We're good together - we talk, we connect, we challenge each other, help each other. If you wanted a committed, exclusive relationship, I'm ready - today. Or tomorrow. Or next month. Just tell me. If you want "us" to continue as we've been, I'm ready for that too. But make no mistake B - I want you, need you in my life and I want to be part of yours. (I admit, I want to be an important part of yours.)
So tell me - is that not clear? Is it too many words? I can make it shorter, sweeter, more succinct: B, I love you and I want you - however you'll have me.
Better?
So if the message is clear and it's being conveyed to her, then there must be something else. If I've clearly made it known what I'm offering (all of me or as much as she'll have) then she must not want what I offer.
She must not want me.
Wow. That same thought has been in and out of my mind for some time now. I've tried to push it away, thinking that I knew in my heart that it wasn't true, wasn't so. Five short words. A lifetime of meaning. A changed lifetime. All that could have been - gone.
She must not want me. (as a partner)
It's incredibly hard to let those words and the meaning of them penetrate my mind. It's hard just to see them arranged on the screen in that order.
She must not want me. (as a lover)
If only I could get the "not" removed, so much would be different.
She must not want me. (as a friend)
Those words are a fork in the road of my life. I'd once said to her that we were at a fork in the road of our lives, seperately and together and that what she chose to do would forever alter both of our lives from that point forward. It would seem it's not that way now.
She must not want me. (in her life)
It would seem that this moment is a fork in the road of only my life. No, not a fork, but a turn. A change in direction. Bridge out. Road closed. No thru street. If those five words are true, then today, this moment doesn't change her life. Only mine.
She must not want me. (at all)
We tell our children "You can be anything you want to be", "You can do anything you set your mind to".
Bullshit. It's all crap. I can't be B's lover. I can't make her let me be her friend. I can't make her want me.
Rejection or ??
Friday night was one of the worst, if not THE worst night I've had in a long time. I don't care who knows but I cried most of the night. I had the most overwhelming feeling of rejection that I've ever felt. I'm not sure I'd ever realized how much rejection can affect you.
It fills every cell in your body. It's actually a physical pain but one that you can't pinpoint - it's everywhere and nowhere. It felt alternately like every cell in my body was going to swell up and burst or shrivel down to nothing. At one point I couldn't catch my breath. I'm not sure I even cared. The pain in your heart of being rejected by someone whom you love so much, who means so much to you is indescribeable and I hope you never, ever have the misfortune to experience it. It is far worse than I can ever explain. And no matter how vivid you may be able to make it out to be in your imagination, it's far, far worse.
There's the physical pain. There's emotional pain. There's mental pain. Unlike "normal" pain experienced by your body, the physical pain of rejection doesn't change, you don't get used to it, don't get acclimated to a certain level or intensity of pain. It's always there, in full force.
The mental pain is bad but not nearly the same. It comes more in the form of self-criticism, derision over things you've done or not done, a laundry list of things you've done that got you to here.
The emotional pain is the worst though. It grabs you in that place inside we think of as our heart and just squeezes, clamps down on it, crushing your emotions. It overflows what you can bear inside and manifests itself physically as an incredible tightness in your chest. Your heart races and you feel like you can't breathe. It might seem like that'd be punishment enough but there's so much more.
I kind of picture "self" as the image of myself that resides inside my body, just below skin level, as though the physical self were just a covering over the real self. It's your mental insides, this emotional self, that suffers the most. It feels as though you're on fire, that your skin is being ripped away, that you're being crushed under tremendous weight all at once. It comes in waves, crashing over you. You get smashed, crushed, injected with anguish and just as it starts to recede just the tiniest bit, it happens all over again. And again. And again.
It's like waves and the tide. The waves of pain and recrimination and hurt and anguish and loss just keep coming. Crash - another, then just a slight bit of respite and then crash, another. All along, the tide keeps coming in, raising the baseline of pain ever higher. Higher. Higher. Until finally you're just completely submerged and drowning. Struggling for air, needing desperately to have just a few seconds of breath but unable to get above the surface of despair for even a second, and all the while still feeling the waves pounding on top of you.
At the height of pain, at the depths of despair, your mental processes break down. Coherent, reasonable, linear thought becomes impossible. Your entire sphere of consciousness consists of images of, in my case, her. Memories of the sound of her voice. Written words that have gone between us, fragments of emails whirling through your head. Pictures. Memories of daydreams of her, fantasies of what could have been. Recriminations for things you've done wrong. Her face smiling, now lost to you. Her face crying, looming impossibly large in front of you, the pain you've caused her amplified and burning through you. The sound of her tears, so quiet in real life, thundering over and over in your head. When you reach this point, there is no thought. There's only loss and pain and sorrow. Disbelief that you could be there.
When you can take no more, if you're lucky, sleep comes. Fitful sleep. Fifteen minutes maybe, or an hour and then it's all on you again. You wake tired and emotionally exhausted. Numb.
Just as with real physical pain, the memory of the pain stays with you but the intensity of it, the experience of it fades. But it never leaves.
And now it's Monday morning and we've talked. And she's far away and distant and closed off. She sounds so tired, so beaten. Resigned perhaps.
And while she doesn't say the words, I think I hear in her voice that this is ending. I tell her that it doesn't need to, that this relationship can survive. But I don't think she hears me. Maybe she doesn't want to hear me.
And so I cry again.
I'd finished the weekend thinking positively of her again. Last week I placed an ad in a newspaper - small, short, just for her. A message of hope and support from her friend. I'd pictured her smiling and feeling warm and wanted and loved and liked and cherished as her reaction to my message.
And then we talked. She didn't mention it, nor did I. But I knew from her voice and her distance that even if my message had had -some- positive effect on her it wasn't enough, that in the long run it didn't matter.
And so I cry again.
It fills every cell in your body. It's actually a physical pain but one that you can't pinpoint - it's everywhere and nowhere. It felt alternately like every cell in my body was going to swell up and burst or shrivel down to nothing. At one point I couldn't catch my breath. I'm not sure I even cared. The pain in your heart of being rejected by someone whom you love so much, who means so much to you is indescribeable and I hope you never, ever have the misfortune to experience it. It is far worse than I can ever explain. And no matter how vivid you may be able to make it out to be in your imagination, it's far, far worse.
There's the physical pain. There's emotional pain. There's mental pain. Unlike "normal" pain experienced by your body, the physical pain of rejection doesn't change, you don't get used to it, don't get acclimated to a certain level or intensity of pain. It's always there, in full force.
The mental pain is bad but not nearly the same. It comes more in the form of self-criticism, derision over things you've done or not done, a laundry list of things you've done that got you to here.
The emotional pain is the worst though. It grabs you in that place inside we think of as our heart and just squeezes, clamps down on it, crushing your emotions. It overflows what you can bear inside and manifests itself physically as an incredible tightness in your chest. Your heart races and you feel like you can't breathe. It might seem like that'd be punishment enough but there's so much more.
I kind of picture "self" as the image of myself that resides inside my body, just below skin level, as though the physical self were just a covering over the real self. It's your mental insides, this emotional self, that suffers the most. It feels as though you're on fire, that your skin is being ripped away, that you're being crushed under tremendous weight all at once. It comes in waves, crashing over you. You get smashed, crushed, injected with anguish and just as it starts to recede just the tiniest bit, it happens all over again. And again. And again.
It's like waves and the tide. The waves of pain and recrimination and hurt and anguish and loss just keep coming. Crash - another, then just a slight bit of respite and then crash, another. All along, the tide keeps coming in, raising the baseline of pain ever higher. Higher. Higher. Until finally you're just completely submerged and drowning. Struggling for air, needing desperately to have just a few seconds of breath but unable to get above the surface of despair for even a second, and all the while still feeling the waves pounding on top of you.
At the height of pain, at the depths of despair, your mental processes break down. Coherent, reasonable, linear thought becomes impossible. Your entire sphere of consciousness consists of images of, in my case, her. Memories of the sound of her voice. Written words that have gone between us, fragments of emails whirling through your head. Pictures. Memories of daydreams of her, fantasies of what could have been. Recriminations for things you've done wrong. Her face smiling, now lost to you. Her face crying, looming impossibly large in front of you, the pain you've caused her amplified and burning through you. The sound of her tears, so quiet in real life, thundering over and over in your head. When you reach this point, there is no thought. There's only loss and pain and sorrow. Disbelief that you could be there.
When you can take no more, if you're lucky, sleep comes. Fitful sleep. Fifteen minutes maybe, or an hour and then it's all on you again. You wake tired and emotionally exhausted. Numb.
Just as with real physical pain, the memory of the pain stays with you but the intensity of it, the experience of it fades. But it never leaves.
And now it's Monday morning and we've talked. And she's far away and distant and closed off. She sounds so tired, so beaten. Resigned perhaps.
And while she doesn't say the words, I think I hear in her voice that this is ending. I tell her that it doesn't need to, that this relationship can survive. But I don't think she hears me. Maybe she doesn't want to hear me.
And so I cry again.
I'd finished the weekend thinking positively of her again. Last week I placed an ad in a newspaper - small, short, just for her. A message of hope and support from her friend. I'd pictured her smiling and feeling warm and wanted and loved and liked and cherished as her reaction to my message.
And then we talked. She didn't mention it, nor did I. But I knew from her voice and her distance that even if my message had had -some- positive effect on her it wasn't enough, that in the long run it didn't matter.
And so I cry again.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Waiting for a call
A very good afternoon on the phone with her. I was able to help her, I think, with some technical issues. I knew we had limited time to talk and I really wanted to converse, but I also knew that this was a chance for me to do something concrete for her and that was something I've always begged her to let me do for her.
We did talk about other things. Earlier in the day I did something that I thought would make her smile over the weekend. I really wanted to wait until the last possible moment today to tell her, but I'm such a baby with things like that that I couldn't wait to tell her. So she knows there's something and when and where to look. I hope the anticipation is good, eager, and not filled with dread. It's a simple thing really, but there's limited ways for me to get to her, and I'm hoping this'll make her smile. If so, it'll all be worth it.
Then we talked about something a little sensitive. Not bad stuff, but just ... sensitive. She kinda laughed it off, said I'd done my homework. After we hung up, it occured to me that I'd been stupid - that all the thought and energy I'd put into that thing over the last months and months was stupid - wasted time. After we'd talked about it, after I'd actually said the stuff, it seemed so stupid that I'd have put such energy into it. It had all seemed so logical before - now it just seems stupid. Worse than stupid.
After we hung up, I felt like shit. She said she was leaving right away. I hung around for 30 or 40 minutes, thinking that maybe she'd call. I don't know why, but I had a feeling that there was -something- she wanted to say. But she hadn't said anything and she didn't call, so I left.
Then she called me on her way home. But she wouldn't tell me why, said we'd talk today. I'm sure it has something to do with the stupid/sensitive thing we'd talked about. I tried but couldn't get her to talk about it.
Today we've IM'd, briefly, but she wouldn't talk about it, wouldn't call.
The anticipation is killing me. What does she want to say to me? Good? Bad? Fuck you? Come see me? Why the fuck would you even think about [the stupid thing]?
I should write a book, for men, about women. Not that I know anything that incisive or revelatory (certainly not about women!), and it sure as shit wouldn't be a book of what to do for or with a woman. But I could certainly compile a list of things -not- to do. And I could present a few ideas that guys should use within themselves when dealing with women, especially with one who's very important to them. How about "Think about everything you say or do, before you say or do it, and think about it from HER perspective. Then think about it again, because your perspective is probably wrong." Maybe "No matter how 'right' or 'logical' it may seem from your [male] point of view, it's not how she'll see it. Force yourself to think from a place outside your normal perspective - because that's where she's thinking from." Or "when you think you have something important, say it out loud first, even if you just talk it to a mirror. Things become SO different when they're verbalized."
I really wish I'd have thought of that last one yesterday. As I was fucking saying the words (about the stupid thing) and hearing them in my ears, it was very strange - the words I was hearing did not seem like the words I was saying. What I'd been saying seemed.. I don't know, ?important? but as I heard the words, I only heard them as.. irrelevant. Meaningless. Insulting even. Fuck me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
What's that saying? "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"? Yeah, well, translate that into something I'd understand and it becomes "the road to losing the most important woman in your life is paved with all those things you did when you thought you were doing the best you could".
B... where are you?
We did talk about other things. Earlier in the day I did something that I thought would make her smile over the weekend. I really wanted to wait until the last possible moment today to tell her, but I'm such a baby with things like that that I couldn't wait to tell her. So she knows there's something and when and where to look. I hope the anticipation is good, eager, and not filled with dread. It's a simple thing really, but there's limited ways for me to get to her, and I'm hoping this'll make her smile. If so, it'll all be worth it.
Then we talked about something a little sensitive. Not bad stuff, but just ... sensitive. She kinda laughed it off, said I'd done my homework. After we hung up, it occured to me that I'd been stupid - that all the thought and energy I'd put into that thing over the last months and months was stupid - wasted time. After we'd talked about it, after I'd actually said the stuff, it seemed so stupid that I'd have put such energy into it. It had all seemed so logical before - now it just seems stupid. Worse than stupid.
After we hung up, I felt like shit. She said she was leaving right away. I hung around for 30 or 40 minutes, thinking that maybe she'd call. I don't know why, but I had a feeling that there was -something- she wanted to say. But she hadn't said anything and she didn't call, so I left.
Then she called me on her way home. But she wouldn't tell me why, said we'd talk today. I'm sure it has something to do with the stupid/sensitive thing we'd talked about. I tried but couldn't get her to talk about it.
Today we've IM'd, briefly, but she wouldn't talk about it, wouldn't call.
The anticipation is killing me. What does she want to say to me? Good? Bad? Fuck you? Come see me? Why the fuck would you even think about [the stupid thing]?
I should write a book, for men, about women. Not that I know anything that incisive or revelatory (certainly not about women!), and it sure as shit wouldn't be a book of what to do for or with a woman. But I could certainly compile a list of things -not- to do. And I could present a few ideas that guys should use within themselves when dealing with women, especially with one who's very important to them. How about "Think about everything you say or do, before you say or do it, and think about it from HER perspective. Then think about it again, because your perspective is probably wrong." Maybe "No matter how 'right' or 'logical' it may seem from your [male] point of view, it's not how she'll see it. Force yourself to think from a place outside your normal perspective - because that's where she's thinking from." Or "when you think you have something important, say it out loud first, even if you just talk it to a mirror. Things become SO different when they're verbalized."
I really wish I'd have thought of that last one yesterday. As I was fucking saying the words (about the stupid thing) and hearing them in my ears, it was very strange - the words I was hearing did not seem like the words I was saying. What I'd been saying seemed.. I don't know, ?important? but as I heard the words, I only heard them as.. irrelevant. Meaningless. Insulting even. Fuck me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
What's that saying? "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"? Yeah, well, translate that into something I'd understand and it becomes "the road to losing the most important woman in your life is paved with all those things you did when you thought you were doing the best you could".
B... where are you?
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Another long night
When we talked yesterday, B and I, we briefly mentioned the book we'd been reading. That piqued my interest again so I picked it up again last night, about 11p and started reading. It got good and I finally put it down about 1245a. Since wake up is usually about 530a, that seemed like a good plan.
Plans are what you make, life is what you get.
As I lay in the dark trying to get to sleep all I could see was her face in front of me, floating. Eyes open or shut it didn't matter, I could see her. She was crying, her eyes red and wet, shiny tracks of tears lining her cheeks. There was a look of incredible sadness in her eyes and an aura of sadness or resignation or surrender all around her. There was something else in her eyes too - it wasn't a look of accusation, but more like a questioning or a wondering and the question that floated dimly in her eyes but reverberated loudly in my ears was "how could you do this to me?" That's not quite right. Maybe more like "I trusted and loved you; how did we let me get here?"
Again, there was no accusation in her eyes, only sad surprise, disappointment in me, a feeling of betrayal almost that someone she cared for and who loved her so much would contribute to making her feel like she does now, to her being in such a sad, dark place. I knew then that I'd never let anyone down as much as I had her. Wracked with guilt and grief all I wanted to do was to relieve her pain, to take away every bit of sorrow I'd caused her but I knew that I couldn't. What had happened I couldn't undo. The pain and the hurt I'd brought to her was so obvious in her eyes that I knew, and know, that I'll carry it and the shame of having caused that with me for the rest of my life.
I've made her cry before, too many times. Yesterday I did it again. As infectious and joyful as her laugh is to me, so is the sound of her crying like a knife in my heart. Every time I hear it it's too much for me, it immediately overwhelms me, sends me over the edge of the abyss. It's bad enough when she crys because of something I've done. But yesterdays' tears were different. There was no sense of having been hurt, but rather I could hear her crying for all that she'd lost, even all that we'd lost. All that I'd caused her to lose. She crys silently, almost inaudibly, but to hear her quiet sobs is the most deafening sound anyone could ever hear. In her sobs as in her tears, there's such sorrow, such loss.
Just the memory of her tears or her crying is overwhelming.
How could I have done so terrible a thing to the woman I love with all my heart? The woman I would do anything for, the woman I've been looking for for so long.
Plans are what you make, life is what you get.
As I lay in the dark trying to get to sleep all I could see was her face in front of me, floating. Eyes open or shut it didn't matter, I could see her. She was crying, her eyes red and wet, shiny tracks of tears lining her cheeks. There was a look of incredible sadness in her eyes and an aura of sadness or resignation or surrender all around her. There was something else in her eyes too - it wasn't a look of accusation, but more like a questioning or a wondering and the question that floated dimly in her eyes but reverberated loudly in my ears was "how could you do this to me?" That's not quite right. Maybe more like "I trusted and loved you; how did we let me get here?"
Again, there was no accusation in her eyes, only sad surprise, disappointment in me, a feeling of betrayal almost that someone she cared for and who loved her so much would contribute to making her feel like she does now, to her being in such a sad, dark place. I knew then that I'd never let anyone down as much as I had her. Wracked with guilt and grief all I wanted to do was to relieve her pain, to take away every bit of sorrow I'd caused her but I knew that I couldn't. What had happened I couldn't undo. The pain and the hurt I'd brought to her was so obvious in her eyes that I knew, and know, that I'll carry it and the shame of having caused that with me for the rest of my life.
I've made her cry before, too many times. Yesterday I did it again. As infectious and joyful as her laugh is to me, so is the sound of her crying like a knife in my heart. Every time I hear it it's too much for me, it immediately overwhelms me, sends me over the edge of the abyss. It's bad enough when she crys because of something I've done. But yesterdays' tears were different. There was no sense of having been hurt, but rather I could hear her crying for all that she'd lost, even all that we'd lost. All that I'd caused her to lose. She crys silently, almost inaudibly, but to hear her quiet sobs is the most deafening sound anyone could ever hear. In her sobs as in her tears, there's such sorrow, such loss.
Just the memory of her tears or her crying is overwhelming.
How could I have done so terrible a thing to the woman I love with all my heart? The woman I would do anything for, the woman I've been looking for for so long.
Grey lining in a silver cloud
Yesterday was good. B and I talked a bit and it was good. It always is, at least from my perspective, either "good" or "better".
But I heard things in her voice, in her words and behind her words that really bother me. She's feeling very much out of control of her life, detached emotionally from everyone and everything and very asexual. She's feeling that our friendship is even going if not gone, that I'm running on memories of what we had. She seems empty to me, like there's no joy in her life.
There are so many things wrong with this picture.
B is one of the most vivacious people I've ever known. She has an infectious laugh; not a belly laugh, but when you hear it, you know it's real. She's sharp and smart and quick and quick witted. Her mind is all over everything. She thinks at least two steps ahead of everyone else. She's always been sexual and sensual and so aware of all things sensual, be they sex or food or drink or mental stimulation or the feel of the air on her face when she runs.
And now she's not. She seems dulled, somehow. I've heard of nothing that's given her pleasure in months. She has no interests. These are the things that I see objectively, as her friend.
From a much more personal point of view it's no better. I see all that plus I know her intimately, closely. It's that much more painful for me to see her this way. And to top it all off, I have to live with the knowledge that all of it is because of me. If I'd never tried to be her lover none of this would have happened. So not only did I not get to know her in the real world as a real lover, but I've hurt her as a person more than you can imagine, more than anyone with malicious intent could even hope to do. Where before she was actively searching for a better, fuller life that she knew was out there now she seems resigned to living the rest of her life withdrawn, closed off and disconnected from everyone, all pleasures, all that life has to offer.
And I've done this to her. I have such doubts about what I should do. I ask myself if I'm really her friend, if her well being is that important to me, and if my being in her life seems to cause such problems, wouldn't it be best if I disappeared from her life? I even asked her yesterday if she thought it'd be better if I was out of her life - she said "I don't know". I think I even asked her if she wants me in her life anymore - she said "I don't know".
Fuck. What do I do? It may seem conceited or egotistical to think that I'm the cause of her pain, but that is the way I see it. If I wasn't in her life, trying to be -more- in her life, much of this wouldn't have happened.
It hurts me so much to see her like this. Because I care so much for her (and about her) I don't see how I could possibly ?abandon? her at a time like this. Yet, if it's really me that brings so much negativity to her life, how can I possible justify staying in her life?
Fuck.
But I heard things in her voice, in her words and behind her words that really bother me. She's feeling very much out of control of her life, detached emotionally from everyone and everything and very asexual. She's feeling that our friendship is even going if not gone, that I'm running on memories of what we had. She seems empty to me, like there's no joy in her life.
There are so many things wrong with this picture.
B is one of the most vivacious people I've ever known. She has an infectious laugh; not a belly laugh, but when you hear it, you know it's real. She's sharp and smart and quick and quick witted. Her mind is all over everything. She thinks at least two steps ahead of everyone else. She's always been sexual and sensual and so aware of all things sensual, be they sex or food or drink or mental stimulation or the feel of the air on her face when she runs.
And now she's not. She seems dulled, somehow. I've heard of nothing that's given her pleasure in months. She has no interests. These are the things that I see objectively, as her friend.
From a much more personal point of view it's no better. I see all that plus I know her intimately, closely. It's that much more painful for me to see her this way. And to top it all off, I have to live with the knowledge that all of it is because of me. If I'd never tried to be her lover none of this would have happened. So not only did I not get to know her in the real world as a real lover, but I've hurt her as a person more than you can imagine, more than anyone with malicious intent could even hope to do. Where before she was actively searching for a better, fuller life that she knew was out there now she seems resigned to living the rest of her life withdrawn, closed off and disconnected from everyone, all pleasures, all that life has to offer.
And I've done this to her. I have such doubts about what I should do. I ask myself if I'm really her friend, if her well being is that important to me, and if my being in her life seems to cause such problems, wouldn't it be best if I disappeared from her life? I even asked her yesterday if she thought it'd be better if I was out of her life - she said "I don't know". I think I even asked her if she wants me in her life anymore - she said "I don't know".
Fuck. What do I do? It may seem conceited or egotistical to think that I'm the cause of her pain, but that is the way I see it. If I wasn't in her life, trying to be -more- in her life, much of this wouldn't have happened.
It hurts me so much to see her like this. Because I care so much for her (and about her) I don't see how I could possibly ?abandon? her at a time like this. Yet, if it's really me that brings so much negativity to her life, how can I possible justify staying in her life?
Fuck.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
and then it's okay
From the depths of hell to a good day in just hours.
B called this morning. You think drugs are fun? They don't hold a candle to what it feels like to have her in your day. I don't know what the rest of the day will bring, but it's already a great day.
Every second, every minute, every hour I don't hear from her hurts... and it all goes away the second I hear her voice.
B called this morning. You think drugs are fun? They don't hold a candle to what it feels like to have her in your day. I don't know what the rest of the day will bring, but it's already a great day.
Every second, every minute, every hour I don't hear from her hurts... and it all goes away the second I hear her voice.
A Hard Days' Night
(apologies to the Fab Four...)
Last night was not a good night.
We had a great afternoon talking together. Even after all this time, when we talk the minutes and hours just fly by - before I know it she has to go. Towards the end of our conversation I'd been looking something up in some old IM's and started reading some of them - something I know, and knew, I shouldn't do.
That wave (can you say tsunami?) of sadness or melancholy or whatever you want to call it slammed me hard. As we were hanging up it was all I could do to keep it together. So that's the mindset that I went into my evening with.
She was with me all night. I tried to work on the computer and it was all I could do to not lose myself in old emails and IMs. Not that they'd have added much because I can probably recall most of that stuff from memory anyway. Finally I had a stiff drink (or 3) and went to bed.
I almost never have problems either falling asleep or sleeping. I finally drifted off at about 12-ish and had a couple hours of really shitty, fitful sleep. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and got up. Even though I knew it was a bad idea I had another drink - I rationalized that it'd help me get back to sleep.
And I thought the evening hours were bad.
I posted here what is probably the most pathetic fucking thing I've ever read. I should delete it but maybe someone will read it and offer some help. If nothing else, maybe if I ever (yeah, should say when) I get that bad again I'll be able to look at it and know that I made it through the night before.
I'm really not a bad guy; even been called a good catch. Pretty level headed, not too stoic or too emotional (despite how it may seem on this blog), loving, friendly, interesting (I think). But g-ddamn if I don't have it bad for her. No woman has ever, EVER affected me like this.
Did I mention I love her?
Last night was not a good night.
We had a great afternoon talking together. Even after all this time, when we talk the minutes and hours just fly by - before I know it she has to go. Towards the end of our conversation I'd been looking something up in some old IM's and started reading some of them - something I know, and knew, I shouldn't do.
That wave (can you say tsunami?) of sadness or melancholy or whatever you want to call it slammed me hard. As we were hanging up it was all I could do to keep it together. So that's the mindset that I went into my evening with.
She was with me all night. I tried to work on the computer and it was all I could do to not lose myself in old emails and IMs. Not that they'd have added much because I can probably recall most of that stuff from memory anyway. Finally I had a stiff drink (or 3) and went to bed.
I almost never have problems either falling asleep or sleeping. I finally drifted off at about 12-ish and had a couple hours of really shitty, fitful sleep. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and got up. Even though I knew it was a bad idea I had another drink - I rationalized that it'd help me get back to sleep.
And I thought the evening hours were bad.
I posted here what is probably the most pathetic fucking thing I've ever read. I should delete it but maybe someone will read it and offer some help. If nothing else, maybe if I ever (yeah, should say when) I get that bad again I'll be able to look at it and know that I made it through the night before.
I'm really not a bad guy; even been called a good catch. Pretty level headed, not too stoic or too emotional (despite how it may seem on this blog), loving, friendly, interesting (I think). But g-ddamn if I don't have it bad for her. No woman has ever, EVER affected me like this.
Did I mention I love her?
please help
I don't know what to do... how can I ever make it through this? We had good conversation today, that's nto the issue. How do i live the next days/weeks/months (even years?) knowing she's there and not happy but not willing to come to me?
Someone must know how to deal with this please help.
Maybe i'm better of knowing or thinkign that she's happy there, with bf. Helll for all i know she really is - it just maybe a presumption on my part that sh'es not happy.
fuck.
what do i do?
Someone must know how to deal with this please help.
Maybe i'm better of knowing or thinkign that she's happy there, with bf. Helll for all i know she really is - it just maybe a presumption on my part that sh'es not happy.
fuck.
what do i do?
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