Ok.. I was wrong.

Yesterday with B was pretty good. It'd been a long three days without talking to her (I was -sure- she would find a way to call on Friday.... but I was wrong). We had a good day, good chats and good talk, although not much. She was suffering from a severe headache, which worsened throughout the day.

When it got close to our normal time to talk, I was getting anxious, as I always do, eager to talk, to spend some time with her. Then outta the blue she says she's leaving soon. WHAT!!???! She said she wasn't doing well, feeling really bad.

I wait, patiently. Okay, maybe not so patiently, but I don't bug her. Twenty minutes go by. She says she's wrapping things up. Twenty more minutes. Still she can't (or won't) talk. Finally she calls. I'm stammering, trying to ask why she couldn't call earlier, yet knowing that she didn't feel good and I should just accept whatever time she'll give me.

My problem - we often talk while she's finishing up. The conversation's slow, but at least we're talking. Why couldn't we talk during that time, eve if she didn't feel good? I was confused, hurt, feeling rejected. Beside myself.

And all the time I knew I was being a jerk. SHE DIDN'T FEEL GOOD! Fuck me... why would I continue to push for my needs, be upset because I wasn't getting what I wanted, when the woman I love is in pain? FUCK. Fuck. Fuck. Am I always this selfish and self-centered? No wonder she won't meet me.

Speaking of which, my travel is coming up. I'm going to ask her, again, as I always do, if she'll meet me. I'm always so hopeful. When things have been good, like they've been (yesterday notwithstanding), I always feel this growing spring of hope deep within.. maybe this time she'll meet me, just for lunch. Maybe she'll change her mind and want to see me. Maybe. Maybe. Just maybe. And then I start to feel this counterbalancing sink hole of doubt and despair also opening up. I know there's no reason she'd consent to meet me this time - things haven't changed with her at home and with bf. She's still there. But maybe she will. I try not to let the disappointment I'll feel when she says no overwhelm me. I'll start to feel the tension growing that I know I'll feel when I'm so close to her (within a few hours) for 5 days. So close, yet she'll still be so far out of reach. It seems such a simple thing - to meet for lunch. Of course that's not what it's all about. Just to meet her, see her, have her for a few minutes. To be able to talk to her, hear her laugh, see her with my own eyes.... to make her real. Funny though - I still have this fear that when we do finally meet that she'll be disappointed, won't like how I look, won't like -me- in person.

Mid-day update:
In yet another demonstration of my impeccably bad timing, and another illustration of my over-eagerness or over-anxiousness regarding B, I blurted out the question. At the end of a short lunchtime conversation during which we were neither close nor far apart, I just had to say to her "Will you think about meeting me for lunch Thursday?". When she said "Yeah, I'll think about it", the tone of her voice told me immediately that her answer was no. Not only no, but she was clearly annoyed about me asking. I asked her about it and she said she wasn't in a good frame of mind right now. So, fucking wonderful. Because I couldn't wait until we had talked for a while and reconnected, I've probably blown it for this trip.

What the fuck is wrong with me that I can't read her before I say or do something stupid?

And what the fuck is wrong with me that she won't or can't bring herself to meet me?