She's back and I'm happy again

B is back from her trip and we had a good talk yesterday afternoon.

Life is good again.

It amazes me how even when she tells me that she hasn't made any decisions about her life, that she's not leaving or even thinking about leaving bf, that she still won't meet me, that there's no "us" in the foreseeable (or possibly -any-) future, that she can still leave me feeling better about myself and like maybe I really will be able to make it through this next chapter in my life. Make no mistake though, it still sends my heart tumbling over the edge of the abyss when she tells me that we're no closer to meeting, that she can't be with me.

Is that what friends are? This actually came up in our talks yesterday - that part of my ?problem? is that she not only do I want her as a lover and a partner, but she really is my best friend. I should be as good a friend to her. I try, but I don't have the strength or the fortitude to put my feelings aside all the time, like she can. I admire her for that - it's a quality that says that she can always be a friend, a true friend, without her feelings clouding her objectivity. Of course, that same quality causes me grief too, because at other times she can completely set her feelings aside and it leaves me feeling cold and alone.

This is the end of my life. This is the beginning of my life. For my life to have ever had any meaning, for the hurt I've caused all those around me to have not been completely in vain, I have to live my life out being the person I'd like to be instead of being the person I am. Being who I am is too easy. Not satisfying, but so easy. I know I have to work, constantly, to push myself out of my comfort zone, to stretch my limits.

I think it'd be so easy (becoming the me I want to be) if B and I were together. I know that sounds simplistic, but it's true. There's so much life in her that it infuses those lucky enough to be around her. So much of the things that trouble me now would be non-issues with her around me, that working on the other things would be so much less daunting. Geez, as I reread that it sounds so... ?silly?, yet inside it feels true. Even now, I feel like I'm a better person when I'm "with" her. You can't help but be better.

I feel like she's reaching out to me.

I have to be careful that when I put my hand out to her that I don't push her away. I can be pretty damn clumsy.