Finding the Strength

The other day when B and I talked she said some things to me that were very, very important to me. I knew immediately in her voice that the "old B" was there. I was coming off one of my worst days in a long time - how's that for a dichotomy of emotions? I asked her if she wanted me to "stick around" - she said she'd like me to. She told me she wanted me to know that she's not just closed off to me, that she's been closed off to everyone.

And the thing she said that meant more to me than anything - she said "you mean a lot to me, you're important to me and you've touched my heart." I'm not sure I've ever heard sweeter words, at least not in a long time (okay, since the last time she told me she loved me).

The rest of that day was great. We had a couple of phone conversations about business stuff, then a nice long talk in the evening, again mostly business, but it doesn't matter to me. It doesn't really matter to me what we talk about - business, computers, movies, work, money, news, anything. Just the act of talking to her is important. I've never felt so connected, no, maybe "involved in the conversation" is a better description, as when we talk. Even these days talking to anyone else, my mind wanders, I get bored. But not when I talk to her - I'm completely focused. I don't think it's -me- though, I think it's -her-. Something about her pulls me, keeps me involved. She makes me think what I have to say is important, that it actually has some value. She talks to me like she truly -wants- to tell -me- things.

And then there was today. A very short "hi" IM at 11, a brief IM at 3, then finally a call about 4:30. But I could tell she wasn't there, wasn't into talking. Not completely sure if she wasn't into talking at all or just not into talking to me. They're both bad, the latter just more so. They're both bad because before, we'd have talked anyway. She'd have been glad to be talking to -me-, even if she didn't have much to say or really didn't feel like talking in general, there'd have been some gladness in her that -we- were talking.

Not today. Not anymore it seems. When she's closed off, withdrawn, that's it - I'm shut out like the rest of the world. Except the rest of the world gets her - they get to see her, be around her, have her in their physical world. She'll go home to bf and she may still be closed off, still be non-talkative, but there'll be some interaction. She'll be there, with him. There'll be dinner, maybe TV, some small talk. There'll be bedtime. Even without sex, she'll be there, touchable, close. He has no idea what a treasure he has, just inches away from him.

When she -wants- to get off the phone, -wants- to not talk anymore, it kills me, rips my heart from my chest. I long for her contact so much, crave it, need it. Fine, I've already admitted I'm obsessed, but not stalker-fan obsessed. I'm found-the-one-I-love obsessed. She used to joke that in my mental picture of her she was always on a pedastal, that when she walked, she didn't walk, her feet didn't touch the ground but she glided across it. It's TRUE! That's how I see her.