I'll admit it - there is a little bit of positive expectancy about my future. There are huge changes coming which should enable me to do the things I want to do, the explore the way I am, who I am. These things are, after all, the reasons for leaving my marriage.
Yet I'd be lying if I said that I'm positive and excited about the future. I'm scared. Very scared actually. I can remember saying a long time ago (seems like it was a long time ago, anyway) that "I didn't want to get to the end [of my life] and say 'geez, I wish I'd have done _____'." I can remember telling B that there were two possibilities for the rest of my life. Either a) I'd take control, make changes, explore, learn, experience the things that life has to offer, really drink it up, push myself to get out, to do, to stretch my boundaries, or b) I'd shy away, shrink back into myself and live out my life essentially the same person I am now, except alone.
Wouldn't it be a waste to hurt so many people and then to just continue being the same person I am? But do I have the gumption to make the changes I need to make?
And what of B? Four days out of touch and at least two more to go, and with the other things (previous posts) I'm feeling really pessimistic. I feel like the chances of having her in my life, beyond the way she is now, are low...very low. I've been trying to look at the whole situation as objectively as I can and I'm just not a likely choice for her.
That alone is enough to sink any ship of dreams.
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