Another night, another day

Another night, another day. Last night was not a good night. But then, yesterday was not a good day, so, no surprise. I wrote a long letter to B. You'd think I was trying to talk myself out of her life, because I detailed all the reasons I don't fit into her life.

B's been away for 7 days. Bf has probably been with her 5 of those days. Even though she's been in fairly constant company of others, is it really too much to think that she could have found three minutes to call and say hi? If I'm really important to her, wouldn't she have made the time somehow, somewhere? A payphone in a ladies' room perhaps? A quick stop at a payphone while driving alone somewhere? On the other hand, this has probably been a stressful time for her, so perhaps it's unfair and selfish of me to presume that I would be on her mind.

She should be back in the office tomorrow. I know her state of mind upon returning will be harried - she'll feel a weeks' worth of things yelling out to her, demanding her attention. I wonder where I'll be on her to do list? Near the top, among the first things, something she wants to get to right away? Or will I be farther down, gotten to much later in the day after the important things have been taken care of? Even though this bears importance to me, I know it doesn't necessarily indicate her mind set; she's focused and driven and dedicated and it's entirely possible that she'd get into the office get so wrapped up in catching up that she might not call till late in the day... by which time I'll be a fucking basket case.

In my fantasy world, when she returns she'd tell me how much she missed me, missed being able to talk, how much she wanted to call but never got a chance. Since it's my fantasy, she'd also tell me that she's given it a lot of thought and she wants to meet now. She'd ask me to drive to her so we could spend some time together. Hell, since it's my fantasy, she'd ask me to stay around for a week or so so we could spend lots of time together, really get to know each other in the flesh. We'd discover that the intimate connection between us is even stronger than we think and we'd wind up as lovers.

I don't see that happening though. What'll probably happen is that I'll overwhelm her with attention, that she'll feel my neediness for her and pull back from it. She'll want to, need to just "be" for a while, not try to jump back to "there", to the closeness that I want and need. But I'll overpower her, which'll push her away, which'll make me even more empty and increase my need to connect with her... a vicious cycle.

There's something else that's been nagging at me. We were recently talking about cell phones and she told me what she has. It's a camera phone. She's had it for at least six months. Why would she not snap a pic of herself for me, when she knows what that'd mean to me? She says she hates webcams and the like because of the poor quality and the geekiness of it. But still... one picture? For a long time I've wanted her to go get a photo taken at a drugstore. A simple picture, nothing to reveal details of her life or location, just a single, simple picture. I just want a picture that I know she took just for me of her smiling at me, all just for me. I can't get her to do it, although she says she thinks about it and wants to do it. Why won't she? What harm would it do? What would I see that she doesn't want me to see?