A question of faith

I don't know why I did it.

I wish I hadn't.

In our relationship, there's always been this question about identity - hers. She's resisted disclosing much in the way of personal information so she could maintain control of her privacy. Understandable. I've always thought women should be extra careful on the internet.

I may be naive, but I've never tried to conceal my identity from B. From the beginning, she's had my work, cell and home phone numbers, my addresses, everything. I've given her pictures of myself and of current events in my life.

Throughout our relationship I've collected little bits and pieces about her that she'd divulge. A large part of my profession is problem solving - figuring things out. So this was another challenging puzzle, one that held special interest for me because she was the object of it. There've been times when I've doubted that her name is what she's told me and she's always been very hurt that I thought she was lying to me.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I really care if her name is X or Y. It's not her name or her identity that is important to me, it's the mind, the personality, the woman behind the name. I like her, love her. Yes it bothers me some that after this amount of time, after our relationship has grown so deep and so intimate, after everything we've become to each other that she still doesn't ?trust? me enough to be completely open with me.

Through our conversations and what I've picked up, there's a particular woman who I believed was really B, even though she denied it. There are a number of coincidental simularities that could easily lead one to believe the same thing. B has always denied that it's her.

As of today, B had to go on travel for several days. Turns out the other woman is also out of the office, as of today, for the same amount of time and for the same reason.

Could this be yet another amazing coincidence? Yes, it could. Is it likely, especially given the long string of other coincidental items? I don't know.

I think the real question for me is "Do I care?". What if this is B? Does it change the way I feel about her? The honest answer is no. Again, I love -B-, not her name. Yes, I'll be hurt that she's lied to me all this time, even when directly asked. Many months ago I gave her an "amnesty day" and asked if there was -anything- she'd lied to me about that she wanted to come clean on. She said no. I've wondered many times if perhaps she'd hidden her identity from the beginning, as would have been prudent, then when our relationship unexpectedly became more, if maybe she didn't feel trapped by the lies, like she couldn't come clean without being ?embarrassed? or whatever. She's always treated lying as a serious offence, so I can see why she might feel trapped.

So again - "Do I care?". And again, my answer is no. Logic might say that if this has been a lie then what about the rest of our relationship? Does she really feel toward me like she says she does? Does she want the things that I want, that we've discovered together that we both want? Is there really the strife and troubles in her home life, between her and bf that she tells me? But my heart dismisses that theory. There is no way, absolutely NO WAY that the friendship, the like, the love, the emotion that is between us is anything other than genuine. These things, felt like they are between us, cannot be faked.

So again - "Do I care?". No. Whether her name is X or Y or Mergatroid doesn't matter. Do I want to know? Of course I do. But this, whether true or not, does not change how I feel about her in the least.

The only bad thing is that it'll be days until I get to talk to her again. Days for this to sit inside me and eat away at me.

I wish I hadn't done it.