Just got back from several days of travel during which time B and I had some great talks. We, well I, had hopes we'd meet, but that's not to be, yet. Got back today, feeling full of hope and optimism for the future, thinking that this week we'd have lots of time for conversation and renewal.
BZZZT!! But thank you for playing...
Something serious happened in her world and she's going to be gone for at least a week, possibly 10 days or more. Of course, bf is going with her, so there'll be exactly, um NO chance we'll be able to talk, -at all- during that time.
My employment here is coming to an end in a matter of days.
My divorce is nearly final.
On the only plus side, there'll be a minor milestone in a hobby of mine, which I'd hoped to be able to share with her. But now I can't.
We had some letters we've been trying to read together for almost two weeks. Those'll fade out of memory too.
So instead of a couple of weeks of easy, relaxed conversation, we'll get -nothing-. Nothing. And truthfully, I've been trying not to look at the confluence of events going coming together in the next few weeks. I knew I was counting on her being here and being available for support. I just didn't realize how much I was counting on that until I now look at the very near future and I'm realizing that I have to do it on my own and the sinking fear, the sense of trying to tread water with all these weights tied to my feet comes full blown over me. I can feel the panic rising. And the despair settling.
It's so funny to think back just a few hours on my last post and on how resolved I felt and sounded that I wouldn't be needy, wouldn't keep putting my needs, my crap into the center of our conversations. Doesn't matter whether or not I have the strength to keep that resolution now - she won't be available anyway.
Maybe it's better. I pull strength from her all the time, even when she doesn't know it. Just knowing that she's there and cares about me gives me strength. It'll give me strength during this time too... but she's going to be gone for such a long period, a period filled with so many huge -things-.
Maybe this is cosmic revenge, karma coming back to me for payback. For all the time I've known B, the things that are happening soon have been on the horizon. Now they're here, all of them and all at the same time. And all at a time when B won't be available. It's like a cosmic joke, a kharmic "got ya!" as payback for all the pain I've caused other people over this period.
Maybe it's a test - if I can make it through this combination of events, I should be able to make it through almost anything, shouldn't I? Making it through this alive even with B seemed barely doable. It's seemingly impossible without her.
And just to throw that last little bit of gasoline on the wildfire, she'll be gone for up to two weeks of time, a very emotional time for all involved, where her and bf will be in close quarters, in an emotionally charged atmosphere. Two weeks - no distraction of me and in an emotionally charged environment with bf. There'll be so much going on, with absolutely no reminders of me or us or this friendship, what'll happen when she returns home?
I should look on the bright side.
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