a letter to B

hi..

i want to tell you how i feel, what's going on inside me..

last night and this morning (and now) i feel... great. wonderful. you, your image, your being, your voice, all that i have of you that is you floats in my consciousness. i see you, hear you, feel you. we're happy again. i hear you laugh.

even just in our short conversation, i feel ?rejuvenated?. hard to explain. when you ?come back to me? it lifts me. i'm happy again. i'm positive. i feel "i can do this" (meaning continue living). it sounds corny, but the world is a better place when i know you're in it.

our talk last night and last week both encourage me and frighten me. whatever happens in a few months, you'll be happy, you'll have chosen a life, you'll be able to put all the uncertainty and pain behind you. for that i'm happy.

i'm scared too because i know that at the end of those few months (which will seem so long looking forward to them and when they are past and i'm waiting for your answer, will seem to have flown by), my future will be decided. i will either have the woman and the life i want or i will know that i have to find a future life alone. even that's okay, because if that's my future, i'll still have you for my best friend, and i can take comfort in knowing that you're happy.

in the meantime, i'm looking forward to us having good, fun times again. to rediscovering each other, to enjoying again all the things that make us who we are. do you know what i mean?

i'm happy thinking about you. and about us having fun again, being friends again. there are, and will be, times when i look past the us now and see the us that i want and know that it's not happening now, that we're missing out, and that we may never have it. and it makes me so, so sad. to my core. and sometimes it's hard for me to get back from that.

but for now, i'm happy.

i'm glad you're in my life B. more than you know.

me

and even though i may not have told you in a while,

i want you.

very, very much.

lost. but hopeful.

lost. but hopeful.

alone. yet i feel she's always with me. i want to believe that i'm with her when she's away in her life.

yet to hope that isn't to give her the distance that she needs now.

it feels like i have to open my heart and let her leave. maybe more like she's opening the door to her heart and i have to leave her.

maybe not forever. maybe just for awhile. but it might be forever.

will she invite me back in? in her heart is where i want to be, where i feel i belong. she's in mine and always will be. what if she doesn't want to come back?

how can i do this? yet for her, how can i not?

now i remember what it means to be alone.

about four years ago i realized i was pretty much alone. then i found B. and i thought i'd never be alone again. how could i, how could anyone ever be alone if they had someone like B in their life? someone who knew them so well, often better than they even knew themselves? someone that you could love so completely, so without reservation, so ?wholly?.

g-d i miss her...

and now?

it could be soon - any minute, or not for another three or four hours.

the moment i've been waiting for since tuesday. the moment i've been living in fear of since tuesday.

her call.

it'll come, sooner or later, of that i'm sure.

but after our talk on tuesday.... i'm not sure where she'll be, where she'll be calling from. it's been five long days. and before that we barely talked once in four days. but she's a woman of action - once she sets her mind to something, consider it done. and knowing her, she's wasted no time getting her life back in order.

i'm not even sure what i'm dreading, because it's gonna happen, if it hasn't already. she's turning back to her life there. i'm out of the game. not an option. she's focusing on her life with him, her relationship with bf, to the exclusion of anything else. ie, me.

in the end it'll be better for her. she'll either decide/learn to be happy there, or decide that she can't be and move on.

better for her. the end of hope for me.

in whatever way i can, however she'll let me or call on me for help, i'll help her get there. i'll get the joy of seeing my best friend come back to life, renew her relationship, start enjoying life again. and all it costs me is the woman i love. but i can't have her anyway. so i can either keep trying to (never) have her and keep us both unhappy or accept my loss and at least help her get back to being happy.

she's my friend and i love her. i love her with all my heart -and- she's my friend.

i want her happy.

her. here.

she's here... but ...

recent events have caused her to start thinking about her life. i guess that's a good thing, because i've often said i want her to do so rather than just let the years drift by. but i'm very scared that the ultimate outcome will be not what i wan. well, that's not quite right - what i want is that she be honest with herself and choose the life she wants. that -she- -wants-. to not be influenced by doing what's best for him or doing other than what's best for her so as to not hurt him. what i hope for is that she chooses a life with me.

she thinks she's never given her and bf a fair chance, never worked at it. she's been there 8 years!! if the first few weren't enough of a fair shot, then what? she's said that he's just not capable of giving her some of the things she wants from a relationship and from a partner - so what good would another shot do? if those things are things she really wants, then there's no chance of it working. even worse, what if other things become more bearable but she still doesn't have the things she wants? now she'll feel more trapped and she still won't leave.

i fight for her because i don't have a choice. she may tell herself that i'm not what or who she wants (and i may not be), but she IS the one for me.

and i am so scared that i will lose her.

and why won't she give us just the -slightest- bit of a fair chance? just a single face to face.. aren't we worth that much??

is this the end?

i feel like i'm sitting on death row waiting to hear if the governor has issued a pardon.

will she be back today? or is she done with me?

how can she be done? does she not feel all that makes us special and unique and different? what does he have that is so much more? what parts of their life together hold her so strongly?

i have erred so many times and in so many ways... but i've never wanted to do anything other than love her. i've always wanted to show her (and learn with her) what a real love could be like, what the relationship between two people who know and understand each other so well, who love each other so unquestioningly, so completely, could be. instead she chooses to stay in a relationship where she's numb to all feeling. where she doesn't get the mental and emotional stimulation that she craves.

why?

instead she'll live the average american life: she'll go through thousands of days with a man she doesn't really love living an unfulfilling life. in ten or fifteen years she'll decide she's had enough and leave, regretting not having done it years earlier.

she'll be me.

and neither of us will have had the life we could have had.

nothing

baby... where are you?

i have no real reason to think she's really gone. her email said she'd be back in the office tomorrow.

i just have a feeling. there's an iron fist around my heart. there's no future.

why do i feel this?

how do i make it till tomorrow to see if she's coming back?

if she's not back tomorrow, how do i make it till next monday to see if she'll come back then?

if she's not back then, how do i make it?

baby.. please.. if you're out there .. please come back

please

nothing

why won't she call me, email me, something???

has he finally won completely? if so, he wins nothing - because he already had everything. and he doesn't even know he's won.

have i finally completely lost? if so, i lose everything. everything.

everything.

b, where are you??

please, i beg you ... call, write, something... please find a way

please don't leave.

don't run.

don't go.

please

where are you???

where are you b??

please come back, please call me, please...

please don't leave..

i feel this terrible dread that she's gone. completely. that i'll never hear from her again..

i can't eevn think straight... how can this be? please tell me this isn't happening...

how can i live a life empty of her? without her laugh, her presence in my life??

why would i want to?

b, if you're out there, please, please, please come back

i don't know...

i'm so confused...

i got a very short email... with a quick recap of what happened friday..


but... somethings not right...

too many other things that seem ... off...

why won't she call?

i feel it... lost... she's gone..

i know it...

waiting for the drawer to open

the near and distant future of my life is being decided, or has already been decided, by events and people a thousand miles away.

she's up, starting her day, getting ready for work. what's her world like now? was it a tense, argumentative weekend? was he at her with accusations and comments all weekend? did they argue all weekend or was it over friday night? did she do her best to smooth it over? did she get them past the friday incident or did she get their life together smoothed out? has she decided to stay? or to go? or is she still going to just go along day to day, numb to life, unfeeling, unwanting?

has she lost more of herself? have we lost us? has she lost us?

i wonder if i kid myself when i think thoughts like "I know i'd be good for her. I know that together we'd have a great life, a phenomenal relationship". does she think these things? -am- i kidding myself? i can't believe so though... the feelings i have for her are too real, too strong, too pervasive through every minute of my life, every thought, every action.

now what?

this is bad.

we're talking after work. it wasn't going great but we were starting to get some communication going. suddenly she says something - i wasn't sure, but thought i heard bf's name, then lots of commotion. it sounded like she threw the phone into a drawer.

which is exactly, as it turns out, what she did.

i listened for several minutes, occasionally catching a snippet of conversation.

i heard him yelling at her for not being able to get her on her cell phone.

"...trying to call you every two minutes on your cell.... what are you hiding... "

he very clearly and distinctly said her name.

there was a lot of noise, like desk drawers being opened and closed.

i never heard her voice so i'd guess she was in the outer part of the office making for the door while he was in her office looking around. she must have turned out the lights and been trying to get him to leave because he said "... why'd you turn out the lights.... what are you trying to keep me from finding?.... i said gimme two minutes...".

and then there was a very systematic series of loud noises which sounded like the drawers in the desk where the phone was hidden being opened, shuffled through, then closed. it was pretty obvious (and scary) when the drawer with the phone was opened. but he didn't find it.

then there was silence. i continued to listen for another 20 or 30 minutes, hoping she might come back, but i'm sure that she got him to leave and they were gone for the weekend.

i can only imagine what kind of weekend she's going to have. my heart aches for her.

this will be an eternally long weekend for me and an even longer one for her.

for me, i fear that she's fighting, begging to keep that relationship alive. and because it's 2-1/2 days until we talk again, she'll be mentally pushing me further and further away, shedding me like sand bags of ballast to keep the balloon afloat. mentally, emotionally she's pulling away, leaving the chasm between us wider than ever before.

for her, i fear even more. she's already battered and beaten, emotionally, psychically. she's withdrawing even more. this beautiful, vibrant, alive woman is being crushed by the turmoil around her.

i'm her friend and i'm not helping. worse than not helping, i'm a major factor in why she's being crushed.

now what?

i wait for her... we have so much to talk about and so little time

i wait for her.

i watch the minutes tick by on the clock (over a hundred so far) as i wait for her to come back to my world, to invite me back into hers.

with each minute i wonder "what is she doing -right now-?".

we have so much to talk about.

so little time.

there's so much future ahead of us.

if we can get there.

the slow, speedy crawl of time

time, and the flow of time, is so non-linear. it seems pretty well accepted that time passes quicker as you get older. certainly the younger you are, the longer a day, a week, a year seems. when you're in your late 20's and you look ahead, you can't really see the end - it's 50 or more years away.. an eternity of life left.

when you get to be middle aged, the single biggest change in perception, for me anyway, has been the recognition of my own mortality. fully -half- of my life is gone. i can see the end. it's real, it's seeable, it's not that far away. when you're young and you look back to the early part of your life, it seems close and the end seems so far away. from here, in the middle, i can see each end equally well.

also, when you look forward, a year seems so long. getting up, going to bed 365 times, turning the calendar 12 times, celebrating anniversaries. take that same year and look back and it's soooo short. it was here and now it's gone.

since i've known b, two of my years have passed. two full years. two years that, if we should ever get together, we can never get back. if we got together today and it's my destiny to die in two more years, those two lost years would have been HALF of our time together. gone.

while talking to b i remembered a conversation we had about a year ago... we were talking about the upcoming year, maybe what might or might not happen during it, maybe i was remembering a comment she made that before she left she'd take about a year to 'get things in order', accounts, property, whatever.

a year ago i thought that by the end of this year we'd be together, or would have at least met. it seemed like such a long time in the future. and now it's almost gone. another year. and she said that -once she decided- to leave, it could take a year for her to get things in order. she hasn't decided. it doesn't seem like she's any closer to even thinking about deciding. so that remote possibility is pushed out another year. and that's if she decided today. which she's not.

another year spent without her. another year spent loving someone i've never seen, may never see, but who i know is the one for me. another year where she chose him every single day. every day. out of 365 decisions, not once did she decide to see me. not to be my partner, not to be my lover, not to meet for lunch, not to let me see her smile at me.

perhaps i should be bitter but i'm not. i've been told i should wake up. my only regret, my truest, deepest regret is the passage of each day. because if she should ever decide to see me or be with me, none of those days can be recovered, each precious day lost. she tells me sometimes that she feels that i think that what she gives me is never enough. to a degree that's true - because i want all of her. i know in my heart that we belong together. but to be honest, the things she's taught me about myself, and love, and what it's like to truly love someone, and how much joy the right person can bring to your life are more than enough to get from anyone. do i want more? yes. i want all of her. but only if she wants me. and i have to face the fact that i may not be the one for her.

he goes through each day with her as though it's just another day, not knowing. not knowing her, not knowing her unhappiness, not knowing the hold he has on her, not even aware that every day she chooses their life together over whatever i can offer, over whatever anyone else can offer. i pray each day that she'll come back to me, bring me back into her life. i pray that someday she'll trust me enough, want me enough to want to meet me.

everyday i wait for her return. everyday i hope i can please her just a little. when she opens herself to me and lets me feel just some of the love that's in her, it sends me soaring. then a part of me is sad that i'm not enough of what she wants to pull all of her away, sad that another day that we could have had together has passed. and at the end of every day she chooses him again, goes home to him, goes to the life she lives.

my heart breaks and i cry. for my loss and for hers, because i would be good for her. i feel it, i know it. of all the people in her life that she knows, of all the people that she comes into contact with and never know her other than for a moment or an evening, of all the people she could ever cross lives with, i'm the one who carries this love for her. no one cares for her more, no one knows her like i do. and while no one is let in like i am, no one is kept out like i am either.

and when she leaves me today my heart will break. and i'll mourn another day lost forever that we'll never be able to get back. and i'll pray that tomorrow she lets me back into her life.

and through it all, i'll love her. as i have, as i do, as i will.

to be touched

she touches my heart, my being, my soul.

she touches me in ways i never thought possible.

without a look or a smile or a touch she touches me.

what would it be like in person? what would it be like to be her partner, her lover, her soulmate?

when she touches me nothing else matters.

with soft words and softness of tone, she reaches through me and touches my very soul.


how can she have such effect on me?


how can it be that our lips will never touch, that our eyes will never look into each others'?

how can this be? how could nature, the universe, g-d, allow this to happen? how could they allow a love like this to never be fulfilled?

strictly personal reasons

why won't you trust me b?

the thing that's in motion now actually removes much of the ?threat? of anyone wondering who i am if i were to call - because they'd know me as a business contact.

so after removing the possibility of arousing any suspicions at work....

the reason(s) to stay hidden must be deeper, strictly personal.

i thought one of the reasons for not telling me your number was to prevent anyone from being ?suspicious? and maybe mentioning something to bf about another guy calling you... but all this would give me -complete- ?validity? for calling, at least for a while (longer, if the co. actually -used- my services, which i would bank all the money and use if for trips to see you...)... so the core reason(s) to stay hidden have to be much more personal... not wanting me to know you, being scared i'll screw up your life with bf, just scared of me personally, or all the above... no matter, ultimately, because i still want you in my life... it hurts, but on the other hand, it's okay too. i understand, and then again i don't. i NEED you to let me in, but i know that for as long as you don't i'll still be here.

elation

last night and this morning when i awoke, i was thinking about her (nothing unusual in that). she didn't feel well friday and she went home a little early. i thought about her all weekend, hoping that she was feeling better, but knowing that there was a chance that she might not come in today.

still, she's pretty tough and i didn't really expect her to be out today.

so when she called of course i was happy. happy to hear her, happy she's feeling better, even though not happy that she's still not over it.

we talked.

i wish i could explain, put into words, what that's like for me. she's a drug. and i cannot get enough of her. when we reconnect for the first time like this, i can feel, physically feel myself getting elated. i feel myself speeding up. my mood soars, even if it was good before. i'm like the kid who got to pick out the one present they most wanted in the world and i can see them bringing it to me from the back of the store. i -know- what it is, what i'm getting. it's what i want. and the elation that i feel as i hear her and talk to her is just... amazing.

she is what i want.

my entire being smiles.

if only i could smile with her. wake up to her. hold her.

i wonder if she smiles the same way for him.

i wonder if she smiles the same way for me.

she's back in my world again.

life is good.

meeting. meetings.

it's a good day. she's close (i feel close to her, not the other way around). she's distracted with work issues. we've talked; good talk, good interaction. but she's busy and distracted and not available.

this is where i start to get ?fuzzy?. i'm ready for her, waiting for her. i know she's busy and i know that doesn't mean she's distant or forgotten about me or any of that. still... i'm ready for her.

i want to see her. i need to see her. it's time. i think -we- need it. but i can't push her, can't convince her of the rightness of it, can't even try to convince her lest i set her completely against it. she has to come to the conclusion/decision herself - but i don't think she ever thinks about it. it's not high on her list of important things to think about and frankly, with all that's going on in her life, i don't blame her. but that doesn't mean i don't think about it, or that i don't want to convince her, or that it's not important to me, or that i don't still believe that it would so immeasurably change our relationship for the better, remove so much stress from us.

we've brushed on it. i need to make a trip back to see my daughter in December, so i'll be close. i hesitate to bring it up or push the issue, yet how can i not? it's too important. even so i steel myself against the rejection, her refusal to want to see me.

that's what really hurts. that she says she wants to but doesn't want to enough to do it. rejection, again. choosing him again. choosing but not me.

by her own admission it's something she'd look forward to. she knows how i feel about it.

it's just lunch B. just lunch. just talk, just us becoming real.

but still i steel myself.

--------

with any luck, i may actually be able to (finally!!!) do something of value for her. a business issue discovered yesterday that i may be able to give her something that will help her with her partners and the running of her business. finally.

her. me.

it started yesterday. and with a good evening with her, then a fantasyful night, a good morning and great conversation this morning, it's really blossomed full bloom.

she's been with me, sexually.

last night i watched a video of a party. even though the thought of her there killed me, the erotic side of it and her and i, the thoughts of how she enjoyed it, will enjoy it again, of how it'd be if we could enjoy it together.. these thoughts are good and welcome.

then today, after our long talks, she was -here- with me. those talks left me warm and comfortable and close. i reread an email i sent her not long ago about my conference table. and that reminded me of the time recently when she wore a skirt for me and brought things to the office and even though we didn't get to play then, it's a good memory.

that day i'd teased her with references to something hanging behind my office door, something not as simple as what she'd brought, which i knew was what she'd think. i started writing it up, with the intent of sending it to her. i want to send it to her, want to share it with her.

the old me, the one she was attracted to, the one she lusted, would speak up to her about sex anytime the mood struck. i'm so close to doing it all the time, then hold back because i know she's not in the mood. and i'm not sure i'm enough to tempt her anymore.

but right now, i want her so much.

so much it hurts.

but truth of the matter is i always want her. that much and more.

much, much more.

her touch

her touch calms me. sates me.

it's all i want - her. her voice, her laugh, her attention, her love, her lust.

just her.

when she touches me i am happy.