but the thing is..

none of it matters. 

i know me. not as well as i should, that's apparent. and not as well as she does - she said some things about me yesterday that were bang-on on target, but that i'd never thought of before. 

i used to know her that well. until i hurt her and she changed herself. and now she won't let me know her again. doesn't want me to know her.

but still, i know some things about me. and i know that i will play the fool, again and again. and i'll let her hurt me, to the core, whether it's done intentionally or not. i'll let her rip my heart out and gleefully shred it, time after time. i know that every time she tells me (or doesn't) that she's seeing her master, sucking him at lunch or fucking him when hubby's out of town, that no matter how much i think i can't take it anymore, that i will take it. and come back for more.

because i know how i feel for her and about her. i know the love for her that's in my heart. i know the passion and desire for her that fills me.

i KNOW that she and i are destined to be together. she says she knows it too but that too much has happened and she doesn't see that destiny being fulfilled anymore. (that is, she will prevent it from happening.)

i know that i will chase her and wait for her until i die. 

i know that when she finally makes it clear that there is absolutely no way she will ever let me into her heart again that i will be ready to die at that point.

she's making her argument, her position, her absolute, unchangeable "no" clearer and clearer.

i really need to watch "Leaving Las Vegas" again. nicholas cage, at the end of his proverbial rope, decides to kill him self by drinking himself to death in 30 days. well, i've been practicing, that's for damn sure. i don't know if 30 days is doable. but thirty months is. and seems like a pretty realistic timeframe.

is it happy hour yet? oh, right there are no more happy hours for me. just unhappy ones. unhappy hours, days, weeks, months, years. an unhappy life. all caused by me. because i didn't believe my love when she finally told me she was ready. because i couldn't keep my cock in my fucking pants.