this hour

there's a new entry in the guiness book of records: the longest hour known to man. that would be the hour between getting here this morning and the earliest possible time she would call.

and it won't be an hour. what with being away over the holidays, plus the office being closed for the week, plus everything else, there'll be lots of office talking going on, so it'll probably be much later before she can find time.

-----

in many ways i'm such an incurable romantic. (probably another reason B said no to me and yes to him). yesterday i overheard a couple of people talking in the office and one woman said she'd gotten engaged over the holidays.

and even though i don't really know her and wasn't a part of the conversation, my immediate reaction was to chime in and say "that's so cool! my girlfriend(/lover/soulmate) got engaged on xmas too!"

i can only imagine the looks i would've gotten and how difficult that would have been to try to explain. and frankly, once the thought passed through my mind, it didn't seem so cool after all.

-----

it's been exactly 59 hours since she called me with the news. i wonder what's been happening in her world in that two and a half days. is the coffee table stacked high with modern bride magazines now? is there a list of reception halls to call? numerous potential dates circled on the calendar yet to be checked against other important dates, birthdays, holidays and travel plans?

has she changed her mind? rethought her yes? or has she completely jumped into it, purging all other distractions from her mind? is she breathless with the thought of how close she almost came to opening up her life to me and so thankful that she didn't? or is there perhaps a little twinge of regret that we didn't meet, at least once, before?

despite the hours of brain time i've spent thinking about all this, it hasn't been ?emotionally real? to me yet. but last night, this morning, and now every passing second is starting to bring with it the suffocating -feel- of the truth.

more than anything i want to believe that she's rushing to work, anxious to call, dying to tell me that it was all a mistake, that she's reconsidered, that she can't go through with it, that she's been dying to try to contact me to tell me so. but the truth of the matter is that there's been two full days in between - ample opportunity to find a way to make a quick phone call or send a text message or email.

i can tell myself that it's not final yet or that it's all a mistake or that she's come to her senses. but it's not me that has to say it. and she hasn't said it.

-----

a correction - a few days ago i wrote:

now just the holiday weekend and one extra day ... and the sun will rise in the east again.

who knew?

drawing dead

when she broke the news to me about bf's proposal and her "i didn't say no" response on sunday night there was something else she said: "nothing's been done that's irreversible".

another line i mistakenly interpreted as "even though i said no, i could still tell him yes". that twisted interpretation no doubt helped soften the impact during the last 48 hours. looking at it now though, it's clearly wrong. while it should provide a glimmer of hope that she's not 100% committed to marrying him, what it does do is to confirm that she told him "yes". not, like i thought previously, did she not say no, but she must have said yes. and although she could change that to a no, it's still a ?groundbreaking? (heartbreaking?) change. she's never said yes to him before, despite several proposals.

two sides of the same coin. two interpretations of the same event. we've been breathtakingly close the last three or four weeks. closer than we've been in a long time and, i was sure, closer to meeting than ever (she'd even agreed to a tentative date!), closer than ever to merging our futures into one. i was more sure than ever that she was going to leave him. and days later she accepts his proposal of marriage.

after she told me about it on sunday night, she had to hang up suddenly. now, i know her. and i know that if she needed me to know that my fears and assumptions about her accepting or not accepting his proposal and my worries/concerns/fears about our relationship and where (i thought) it was going, that she would find a way to call me or get a message to me, especially given that she knew our next "regular" time to talk would be over two days later. if she needed me to know, she'd find a way, no matter what.

yesterday was obscenely quiet.

today has been devastatingly quiet.

tonight will be hell.

and then tomorrow morning, waiting until she calls. not -if- she calls, because she will, even if it's to say goodbye. but will it be in the morning? i don't know, can't even guess. i do know that the later it gets past mid morning the worse it is... the more it confirms.

more thoughts

so i've been thinking - big surprise - and there's a couple of things that stick in my mind, both of them things she said to me when she told me that bf had proposed to her on christmas eve.

first of all, i realized that i was really naive for feeling unprepared, blind sided even, by bf's proposal to her. his life has turned around a lot in the last two months or so. he's stopped (pretty much) accusing her of cheating on him all the time, so a lot of the tension from that has been released from his thoughts. the other thing that was bothering him a lot was the lack of sex and her apparent disinterest in it. but she's told me that for a couple of months she's been getting back into sex at every opportunity and moving their sex life along, including asking for and getting the sex that she's wanted for a long time.

so with way less relationship tension and daily sex i'm sure things have been looking up for him. he's getting sex at least daily, plus whenever else she wants it, not to mention she's been requesting the more intense sex that she's wanted and been wanting for so long. who wouldn't think things have turned around?

so, all things considered, there's no way i should have been surprised that he'd propose again. i've certainly called a couple of previous proposals over the last 3.5 years. how the fuck did i miss this one? looking back, it's painfully obvious that it was in the works. hell, -i- proposed to her barely two weeks ago. (the answer was no.)

it's funny how sometime you can get so caught up in how great the ride is that you completely fail to see the "Bridge Out" sign.

so, there were two things she said that have been sticking in my head. "i didn't say 'no'" and "it'd be the worst thing for [her] and the best thing for [me]".

up until mid-morning today, i took "i didn't say 'no'" to be a positive thing. to my interpretation it meant "i didn't say 'yes' but i didn't turn him down flat either". hearing the words of my interpretation i dared to feel hope. since she hadn't said 'yes', i felt/assumed/hoped that she'd later tell him 'no'. and then i realized that i'd been hearing exactly what i -wanted- to hear, which was "i didn't say 'yes'". but that's not what she said, is it? what she said was "i didn't say 'no'". not that she didn't say 'yes', but that she didn't say 'no' - big, big difference. did she really say 'yes' but was just unable to tell me right out? did she leave it open with him, intending to give him her answer later and she wanted me to know that she hadn't -yet- accepted? then why tell me at all until she'd decided? or was my initial wishful thinking on track?

the other thing she said that's been bothering me was "...it'd be the worst thing for [her] and the best thing for [me]". i've told her so many times to please -not- make decisions about -our- relationship based on how she thinks it will affect my relationship with my fuck buddy. i hate that and she knows it. she knows damn well that the only reason i even have this fuck buddy is because B won't see me (yet). so to make a decision that runs contrary to the best interests of B & my relationship, the relationship that i consider the most important in my life, in the interests of any other relationship really irks me.

but anyway - if she really thinks that marrying bf would be the worst thing for her, they why the fuck would she have made the first comment? why would she have said 'yes' (if she did) instead of 'no'?

now that i think about it, there's something else she said last night that registered in my head but couldn't get my attention over the news of bf's proposal (my brain was already overloaded). i thought she'd said "i wrote you an email with my name and phone number and all that". clearly that's -big-... HUGE even.

i don't think she'd divulge that information (after all this time) if she wasn't ready to meet. or, at least if she hadn't been ready to before his proposal. if she'd accepted, she certainly wouldn't do it because agreeing to marry him would rule out ever meeting me. then i figured well, if she wrote the email before the proposal, i'd know by the datestamp and i'd just have to accept that she now regretted doing so. if, however, she sent the email after the proposal, then that would be a pretty strong indication that she was -not- going to marry him.

and of course, i was nuts all day trying to get to email somehow. and i was going nuts even knowing, KNOWING that she'd called me shortly after he proposed and before she had -any- possibility to send an email, but wishing gave no heed to reality. i did finally get to check it late in the day - almost 8pm her time. at which time the third possibility became clear to me.

there was no email. so, she hadn't sent it earlier in the day( and g-d, wouldn't THAT have been the best xmas gift i ever got?) and wouldn't have to regret doing it later.

and staring me in the face was the truth that she'd changed her mind about sending the email, about opening up to me and us. again. which means she doesn't want me to know who she is. which would seem to support the thought that "i didn't say 'no'" might just have really meant "i said 'yes'".

so now what

so now what do i do?

"he asked me a question". I knew immediately, of course, what the question was - i'd wanted to ask her the very same question within the last few weeks. i'd even specifically -not- asked her that question in the last few weeks even though i't been on my mind.

funny - i hadn't wanted to push her especially during the holiday season. it's really funny, considering i'd have done the exact thing he did.

how did i not see this coming?

she said "i didn't say no". ouch. i was sure she'd have said "no". instead, during this time of our relationship when i was more sure than any other that we were going to be together, she told me "i didn't say no".

and while i know that it doesn't mean she said "yes", it's not a "no" either, is it?

and so, at 0215 PT on december 25th, 2006 i sit in a mcdonalds on the strip in las vegas and ponder a future without her. she's told him "no" several times over the last four years and to be honest i never expected her to say "yes" - at least not since -we- began, and certainly not when we've been, over the last four weeks or so, closer to meeting, closer to each other and just closer in general.

or so i thought.

and as i sit here i have to wonder where my life went so wrong, where my future, my relationship with B left the tracks. and instead of counting down the days till we meet (because she has (had?) tentatively agreed to meet in feb), i have to switch to counting down the days until she becomes mrs bf.

wow. how could i have been so wrong? even within the whole of our time together, i've never been more sure that we'd meet, -soon-, and start being together soon afterward.

instead of hearing "i don't love him" or "i want to be with you" she said "i didn't say no".

otoh, i guess i shouldn't be too surprised - it's exactly what i'd have done, had i had the opportunity.

and so it's official - hope was knocked to the curb at 1105 pm et on christmas eve, 2006. it's so ironic because after how we've been for the past few weeks, i was positive, POSITIVE, that this would be the last xmas we celebrated apart from each other. instead it'll remain forever embedded in my memory as the last xmas that i -thought- we'd ever spend apart and the last xmas i ever had a chance to know her before she decided to marry him.

while my love is away

the weekend wasn't too bad, all things considered. i got to see my daughter and we had a great time together. having my days with my daughter be good ones helped build on the overall good feelings left in me from the friday before with B.

she was with me the whole weekend. it helped that i had a pretty good idea of what she'd be doing all weekend as she was preparing for her trip. it was a pleasant surprise that she called me from the office saturday night and again from a pay phone once she got to her destination on sunday. there's nothing quite like looking at your phone, seeing a number that you don't recognize but that you know is from the city she's in and then hearing her voice on the line. now -that- is a sweet, sweet surprise.

i think because she was home until sunday, at the same time i was away, made it easier to "break up" our time apart. she was home and i was traveling, then she traveled, then i went home, then she'll come home.

anyway, i've felt her presense in my heart this whole time. for xmas i gave her a bracelet she wanted (and about the only thing she's ever said she'd have asked me for if we were together). it's surprisingly calming to be able to visualize and know that something of me is with her all the time.

now just the holiday weekend and one extra day (she's off tuesday too) and we'll be back in touch. and the sun will rise in the east again.

seeing the future

another year comes to an end. for B and i, this is our fourth xmas holiday season. tomorrow i leave to see my daughter for a few days and on sunday B leaves to go away for a week with bf. but for -us- today is our last day together for 12 days. (not exactly the 12 days of christmas, huh?).

days off are bad enough. weekends more so. weeks even more so. and while there will be a huge empty spot in my next 12 days, she'll still be with me. what's a little surprising to me is my reaction - it's not what it's always been in the past, which is great anxiety and this looming sense of emptiness. it's -there-, i'm aware of it deep inside.

but this time it's different, there's a kind of calm that surrounds all that. it's the calm of knowing that -we- are waiting at the end of the time. it's a serenity from knowing that even though we'll be apart and out of touch, we'll still be very much together; she'll be with me, in me, as i will be with her. i have no sense of concern about whether or not she'll come back to me and us from this time away - none whatsoever. i KNOW that she'll be back and that it will be a -reunion- not a reintroduction.

there's another element to the calm i feel, although one i'm almost hesitant to voice. it's something i've always wanted and even felt that it was a possibility, but now it feels more like a certainty. dare i hope or think that this will be the last xmas we'll be apart? i feel it.

i know it.

hello again

well. it's been almost two weeks and a lot has happened; more in a later posting.

in the meantime....

cliche' of the day: it's always darkest just before the dawn.

cliche', yes. but accurate too.

last week was the darkest time i can remember. she went away for almost three whole days in the middle of the week. i was useless. devastated. and when the third day dawned, i knew that all was lost.

and then she called. and since then we've talked. and talked. serious, important, open talks.

and while things still aren't where we'd both like them to be, we're getting there.

even while knowing that there are no guarantees in life... my mood can best be described as "giddy".

the end of love +3 days

one side of my heart is positive she'll call today. how could she not? could she really give up over three years of this relationship in just three days?

the other side of my heart sits in the corner, afraid to look at the passing of the day, knowing that this is just the beginning of the time after B. she's left for good. she'll be back at some point, not to come back but just to stop in and say hi before she moves on.

and i'll stand here, numb and disbelieving that she could let go and move on and watch her as she walks out of my life forever. i'll watch her for a long time, call after her for a long time, begging her to reconsider, to please, please give us a chance, to please give us the chance to see how we'd be in the real world.

and when it's finally obvious to me that she is not going to turn around, not going to come back, never going to let us see how we'd have been together, i will stand and wait as the darkness returns to my world.

damned if i do, damned if i don't

it's a classic no-win situation and one she's put me in before.

she wanted to hear me tell her that i understand her point of view, her perspective and take on what's been happening lately with us. and that's what i want to do, is to write her an email(s) trying to tell her that very thing, trying to ?explain? what's happened, what transpired between us, how i felt, that i acknowledged her point of view - all of that.

here's the problem: if i do that now, she'll think i'm only doing it to get her to talk again and she won't believe that i really mean any of it. yet if i don't do it now (thinking that perhaps waiting till next week might be better) she'll see not getting an email from me as an indication that i really don't understand, really don't care.

no win.

as happened a couple years ago with my friend E, she pushed and demanded to know the answers to questions she asked about my relationship with my fuck buddy D. and, just as she did with E, when she got the answers that she asked for (but didn't really want), she used that as justification to pull back and in this case, cut off all contact. again, no win.

she wouldn't let me be with her. and i don't think i can be without her.

that was then, this is now

and "now" does not include an "us".

she's gone. she made no attempt to contact me yesterday and hasn't today. she's not responding to emails or phone or im.

i don't exist for her except for those random moments when perhaps i pop into her head. while she might experience a second of the old good feelings, i suspect it causes her immediate pain, followed by her pushing me and us and all that we had and were completely out of her head.

i miss you B. please, please, please come back.

please?

hurt vs honesty

i should have learned by now that with her, trying to avoid hurting her by obscuring the truth is ultimately harmful and ten times as hurtful.

and still i did it, again. by trying to shield her from the pain i knew i'd cause her i've managed to crush her and us. again.

reminds me of the adage "a stitch in time saves nine", only changed to "complete honesty and a little hurt now saves ten times the hurt that will come later from less than complete honest and trying to avoid the hurt".

stupid. stupid. stupid.

i've loved her until she can't stand me.

peripheral vision

it's a quirk of vision that often times we can't see things we're looking directly at and the only (or the best) way is to not look directly at it, instead, by looking off to the side and noticing the object in your peripheral vision, it becomes visible. for example, if you're trying to look for a jet high in the sky and far away you likely won't see it unless you concentrate your attention not on the center of your field of vision but -around- the center.

it's more than just a peculiarity of vision.

i'm a middle aged guy. and like most middle aged guys, things like your own mortality, cholesterol levels, life/diet changes and the like come into your world. faithful readers (oh, that'd be me ;-)) know that my life has one purpose now - to share it with B. if that can't or isn't gonna happen, then whatever happens, happens; who cares?

my cholesterol is now officially high and i've been told to make dietary changes or go on meds which i don't really want to do. actually, i don't want to do either. without sounding overly ?dramatic? or whatever, the truth of the matter is that if a life with B isn't in my future, what the fuck is the difference if i'm able to extend my life by 5 or even 10 years? it's not like i want to end my life now if she were to tell me that that future isn't gonna happen. i still want to live at least a few more years; i'd like to see my daughter graduate and (years later!!) get married, maybe even become a mom. but to give up all the "good stuff" to have more years at the tail end without B? why? what's the point?

so, even though i worried that i wouldn't get the answer i wanted, i posed a simple question: "if i knew that you (B) and i were -never- gonna get together, is there even any -reason- for me to want to live longer"? IE, if it -is- possible then of course i would want to. if it's not gonna happen, if there's not even a chance, why bother?

the answer was "no".

quick. certain. no hesitation.

that was the left eye.

one thing we've talked about several times is kids, babies, having a family. from the beginning she's said she didn't really think she wanted any kids, although she wasn't 100% sure. certainly one of the ?contributing factors? in her staying with bf has been to have a family, especially given my age, etc. i have told her that outside of her, i would never see myself fathering another child. yet, the thought of having a baby with her, despite the challenges that go with a much older parent, the thought of having a family with her is... appealing. i rather suspect she senses those same challenges and they make the thought less than desirable.

as we're talking today she says "i wish i had already had the kid(s)/family and they were older so i could move on to the next part of my life, like you".

that was the right eye.

i've been looking directly at her, at us, at the future i want for so long. the object of my desire. the quest of my life. my holy grail.

left eye + right eye + peripheral vision = sight?

at least i don't have to diet now. think i'll have a double cheeseburger and large fries for lunch.

and dinner.

emotional dichotomy

every time she pulls away from me or shuts down or jabs at me, it's as though there's a rope tied around my heart and it gets pulled right out of my chest. and every time she's with me and close and open and laughing and the B that i know so well, it sets my soul soaring.

both these might happen over the course of a week, a day or even in the same conversation.

she thinks because i have a fuck buddy now that i don't need her as much, so she pushes away, sublimates her feelings so that knowledge doesn't hurt.

don't need her as much? that's not even close to the truth. if anything, i need her more.

yes, i enjoy the time i spend with my fuck buddy. but the time i spend there reminds me all the more and all the more strongly of just what B and i are missing out on. and makes our separation all the more painful.

how much more the same time spent with B would be. she said the other day that my life was now "fulfilling". fulfilling? hardly. fun, yeah. but fulfilling? no. what would be fulfilling would be to spend that time with the one who is the other half of my soul. fulfilling would be to be able to turn to B and as our eyes meet immediately feel the connection that binds us, to feel the rush of intimacy that envelopes us even though we may be physically separated. fulfilling would be to walk past her, brushing my fingertips along her arm as i past and to feel the electric current flow between us, the jolt that says "she is my other half", that says "truly, these two souls are one".

why does she doubt it now? i understand why the knowledge of my fuck buddy hurts. i understand why she imagines it to be so much more than it is. i can understand, at the level that the majority of people live at, how she might doubt where my feelings and heart lie. but why, when she has felt what i've felt, when she too knows the feeling of being completed by another, how could she doubt us?

there are things in our life that are transient, passing and there are things that are enduring, lasting, unbreakable and even ?eternal?. fuck buddies are transient. temporary circumstances are transient. jobs and homes and financial situations and physical possessions are transient.

the joining of two souls transcends all else. when the fuck buddies and the jobs and homes and the money have passed on, the bond between us will continue.

i don't often pray for g-d's help. but when he has given us each other, given us the gift of finding each other, i must.

please g-d, give us the strength to get past the circumstances that keep us apart. let her not doubt us and this and me. let the knowledge of the rightness and the uniqueness of who we are to each other give her (and i) the strength to persevere.

we will make it through this.

we will be together.

how could it be otherwise?

counting down the hours till

it's almost like it was two years ago. it's the terrible waiting, waiting for time to pass so i can get back to her. two years ago the thanksgiving holiday was terrible for her, i knew it from the message i got that thursday morning, and then the three days of waiting until that monday so we could talk again was interminably long.

i know she's only 12 or so hours away but it seems so distant. distant - that's exactly what i fear she'll be - distant. is she too willing the hours to pass quickly so we can be back in touch? or has she even thought about it, has she even missed 'us' this long weekend?

yet tomorrow when finally we do talk, i can't be how i want to be. i can't tell her that i missed her all weekend - she won't believe it. i can't tell her how utterly disappointed i was when i called her phone over the weekend and she didn't answer, even though i knew that there was absolutely no way she'd answer since it was locked away in a closet. i can't tell her that i don't want us to spend another thanksgiving (or -any- holiday, for that matter) apart because she'll tell me how i should be glad i'm finally living out my "real" life.

she almost doesn't want to hear it, preferring to believe that i've moved on, when nothing could be further from the truth. i'm doing more now, yes; seeing someone, yes. but "moved on"? it's such a preposterous notion. you don't "move on" from the one whose very existence makes your own have some meaning. you find diversions or distractions perhaps. but to "move on"?

i wonder sometimes if her pushing me away is a way for her to justify her not making the changes in her life that i think she really wants to make. as if she can say my interests have shifted away from her and us and because of it, she'd then be silly to make changes in her life.

and yet, nothing could be further from the truth - at least not for me.

it was this time last year that she told me she needed to live her life, to really give it a chance and see if it was the life she wanted before she made a decision to stay or leave. she wanted to give it a few months and give it a fair chance. and a few turned into several and then into another year. and now i wonder - where will we be a year from now? will she decide that the life she has is really what she's wanted all along but that she hasn't been giving it her attention and that she needs to do that - at the cost of us? or will she come to the ?realization?understanding? (as i did three years ago) that our futures should not be separate but rather lived and enjoyed as they should be - together? one part of me says that if she hasn't come to that realization by now that every day that passes makes it less and less likely. and another part says that perhaps (as she's said before) the timing wasn't right and that each day that passes brings us closer to that eventual, possible future.

the only future i want. the same future i saw, wanted and chose three years ago.

holidays, take 1

and so we sit on the eve of another holiday. another extended absence.

tonight is also the two year ?anniversary? (not that it's a happy event) of him finding her phone. that night certainly ranks as one of those "best of times/worst of times" events.

it was a great night initially. she called me about midnight and we talked for over three hours. at that point, we'd already begun losing saturdays and tuesdays, so having a leisurely, extended conversation, especially a completely unexpected one, was a real treat. the conversation was light, easy, fun; we were -us-.

then about 315 she said "oh shit, gotta go". that was the last i heard from her until the next morning. i got a voicemail from her that said "(sigh) bf found the phone...". wow. i knew immediately that a) she'd had a terrible night and b) everything had just changed.

g-d did it ever.

she's closing the office early today. (shit, why didn't i think of that? i hate being caught unawares, especially when it means less of her). and then she's gone for almost five days.

she'll have five days. with no distractions.

they'll have five undisturbed days together.

i wonder where she'll be when she gets back..

too much time

for once, we have too much time. too much time ahead of us where we'll be out of touch. and it couldn't have come at a worse time - one day away from a 4 day weekend, then she's out almost all of the last half of december.

how is it that we can get off track then both continue to misunderstand the other, leading us farther off the path?

for three years i've tried to win her heart.

now i'm just trying to get her attention.

punched in the gut.

blindsided - me.

gone - her.

hurting - both of us?

we're both seeing our own interpretation of reality. i'm sure that neither of us has it quite right. but she's convinced enough that she's right that she's ready, willing and (apparently) able to kill our relationship.

just like all the relationships in my life have done nothing to prepare me for her, nothing in my life has prepared me to act appropriately either. just as our relationship is so different from anything experienced before, or expected for that matter, so too the ?normal? patterns/issues/responses learned in other relationships just don't hold true in this relationship.

instead of being tentative, as i normally would in situations, i should have been myself, should have acted like that man she grew to know and love. instead i reacted to her, in times of conflict/stress, in a conventional way, not trusting the relationship and her and my own gut knowledge of how we were. and conventional, "normal" reactions are not/were not appropriate for this relationship, itself far beyond normal or conventional.

instead of fearing her negative reaction and being tentative, i should have treated her with confidence and trust and security that -this- relationship, that -we- would be able handle any situations that might come along.

instead of backing off when i felt i was doing something wrong (ie, "cheating" on her, even though with her encouragement and support) and giving her space because that's what would be needed in a conventional relationship, i should have embraced her, trusted her, made her a part of it.

so ironically, in my determined efforts to protect the most important relationship in my life from the ill effects of the particular difficulties that are (and have been, from the beginning) a part of this relationship, i only pushed her to think that our relationship had changed.

my fears brought about the very thing i feared the most.

another example of how the universe plays cruel jokes. my fear of damaging the relationship did so, yet my love, all the love that i could give her couldn't bring her to me.

oh, uh, nevermind

monday mornings. finally, the weekend is over. she'll be back into work soon. my world can start again. get a few things done before she gets into work. knowing that as i do, she'll be finishing getting ready and then driving to work.

a couple of quick "hi's" on chat, then a phone call.

and then this chat:

her
me

think i need some time away
from? me? work? life?
yes
sorry
i can only help with one of those
yeah, but it's a start

do you have any idea when you'll be back? or even if?
maybe after the first of the year. i don't know.
omg
yeah. whatever. ya know? you'll have plenty going on.

"whatever", she says. after three years i still have a hard time getting through weekends without her. now she thinks that six weeks will be easy? and six weeks is just the minimum. she may decide never to come back. and then what?

this fake chat bullshit is getting old.
and i don't need it

"fake chat bullshit". she's always hated anything resembling fake, anything not real. now she characterizes our chat as "fake chat bullshit".

i can't afford to need you anymore.

do you think of me and get any good thoughts/feelings anymore?
i don't see it as "fake silent chat" at all... but me not imposing on you .
ALL THE TIME
i think of and about you ALL THE TIME.
not me. i have to block you from my mind because of the thoughts that come along with it, and how you've/we've changed.

how can this have happened? i need her more than ever. i hold on to her, and us, and hope for a future we can share more than ever. and now, thoughts of me only bring her pain.

why stay???
are you serious?
yeah. what do i get other than pain and loss and watching you move on?

pain and loss and watching [her] move on. things i'm intimately familiar with. years of pain as she held back, pain everyday as she went home to him.

too bad you didn't listen to what i had to say. too bad i didn't listen to myself a long time ago.
anyhow, bye

and with that, she's gone.

and again

another friday, another weekend. more days, lost days, without her.

more days lost forever. more time we'll never have and never be able to get back.

and zero chance of talking.

so today, again, i have to act like everything's okay, like it's no big deal that she's going off into her life and i'm going off into mine.

it's not okay. it's not okay on SO MANY LEVELS.

it sucks. sucks sucks sucks.

but i have to send her off to her life with him with a smile even as my heart collapses.

just another day? hardly...

she sounds good today; strong, in control, even ?purposeful? or maybe like she's found her direction.

and, somehow, detached.

don't get me wrong, our talks (the little we've had because of shit going on at work) have been good. i'm definitely the weak link in this relationship today - i'm just completely, completely overwhelmed. everything, and i mean everything seems to be going to shit. all at once.

when we talked at lunch, i'd just finished some hot bug fixes and was coming down off a six hour adrenalin high. as that artificial energy subsided and my brain cleared enough to finally let something else in, i could feel myself ---- falling. down, down, down.

all the shit happening now. finishing up a high pressure 3 weeks at work. still in the middle of a fucked up move. so much stuff left undone in my personal life.

and her. her voice is calm, warm, as inviting and ?reassuring? as it's ever been. she's there for me, supportive, helpful. but behind her voice, i'm aware of her detachment, her hurt, aware of her repositioning herself in her life. and the terrible, terrible echo of yesterdays revelation to me: we're at different levels, different places now. and we'll never be in the same place again.

yet, if feels so good, so natural to feel her support, her comforting presence.

and it feels so utterly hopeless to remember what she said:

we'll never be in the same place again

this is certainly not my first day without her; more like the 1,209th day without her. those days were bearable because i thought there was still a chance for us to be together. what the fuck do i do about the 11,000 days to come? i've barely made it through 12% of the amount of time i'll have known her in my life.

fuck.

is it really to much to ask to at least be able to meet, see, hold & kiss "the one" that g-d put here for me just before i die?