after all, how could one really not know where they are and how they got there? well, it applies to me, kinda. I mean, I can look back and see the steps that got me here. but i swear, i don't see how -that- applies to me. it wasn't me doing those things, it wasn't my life (that i was fucking up), it wasn't the real -me- doing the things i needed to do to get to what (should have been) my real life.
so again: where am i and how in the FUCKING HELL did i get here? because -here- is NOT where i want to be, not where i belong, not the place i'm supposed to be right now.
every time i talk to her it's more and more apparent: i have completely fucked up my life. and hers (or at least the future that she saw and wanted), although she's already dealt with it all and is moving on.
she is gracious beyond compare. she is elegant and graceful and poised. She stands above the crowd in the degree of honesty, integrity and class that she exhibits.
and those are just her -character- traits. she's beautiful, sexy, sexual, sensual, erotic, graceful, energetic, classy, driven, smart, business savvy.
she has a bf whom she'll soon marry and then live a married life with. she has a lover who is much more than just a lover. and she has me. at one point, i filled the last two spots and was a shoe-in for the first - to be her partner in life. well i fucked that up. so now she still has a soon-to-be-husband. and her lover. and me.
if only she were still mine.
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