the past always catches up with you

What a difference a single day makes.

This morning when I came in, I was hopeful. While B still maintained her stance of "no way we'll EVER be together", there were little things I saw and heard that (true or not) gave me reason to hope that someday, with work, she and I would be able to work things out and be together.

The problem is, as I stated just a day or two ago, I'm an asshole and a liar. And the past ALWAYS catches up with you.

B and I "dated" for a long time; years. Most of that time passed before we'd ever met face to face. Yet almost from the very beginning of our time together, I loved B. I knew it, I told her so and I acted on that. I KNEW that our futures were destined to be together. She was my best friend ever, EVER. My soulmate. We connected in so many ways, on so many levels.

My fucking cock. G-d damn it!! No, to be fair, it was -me-. All me. As time passed, I became more and more ?unsure? that she'd ever be able to actually make the transition to being in person. I met adult playmates, with her blessing. Even things that she knew of and "approved" caused her and therefore us, much pain. So eventually, I started telling her things that wouldn't hurt her. Not lies really, just not the whole truth. (And yeah, I'm aware that that sounds like a liar trying to justify his actions.) In other words, I lied. And then lied to cover up the lies. And then lied so she wouldn't be hurt that I was continuing to see one particular person. My justification? It was an in-person relationship while waiting for B to decide to see me. -She- wasn't seeing me, so why shouldn't I be allowed to have a physical relationship? B was in one, why couldn't I do the same?

Lies to cover lies. Big lies to cover little lies. Bigger lies to cover previous big lies. Fuck. Before you know it, you're juggling all these balls of lies in the air. And she caught me several times. And often she didn't press the issue like she certainly could have, because in her own mind, I think, she was giving me slack because she and I weren't in person yet.

Liar liar. I knew what I was doing. I knew I was lying. I knew I'd get caught. And still I did it. Even knowing FULL FUCKING WELL that eventually I'd get caught. And have to pay the piper for those lies.

Not so long ago, when I was "deciding" what to do (and that's a whole 'nother story), that's where I fell apart. Truth of the matter is, I wasn't "deciding". I reacted to things I thought were happening. During that time, one of the things that went through my mind was the knowlege, again, that I WOULD get caught, that all the past lies would become known and that she'd bring me to task for them. My only hope was that by the time they were exposed, that B and I would already be together, in a relationship, and that the strength of our relationship would overpower the fact of the lies. Not erase it, mind you, because I FULLY expected to pay. But I did think that our relationship would save -us-.

Well, fuck.

She does know about the lies. I thought she might have known much of it, but (no surprise) she knows a LOT more than I thought. And we don't have our in person relationship to strengthen us up.

The thing that really kills me is this: I'm really NOT like that! REALLY! I'm NOT!

I don't know who the fuck that person wearing my skin, that did all these things, is!! I swear, It's not me! FUCK! I would NEVER have pictured me doing these things. I'm really (REALLY!) a nice guy at heart. I don't hurt people. I don't lie. When I look back, I can't believe what I did. It's like it was a slow motion train wreck and I COULDN'T LOOK AWAY, I had to keep being there.

I've told B, several times lately, that if there was any way she could overlook all the things I've done in the past, just for now, just to let us get together, start our relationship, build US up to where we've been in the past and where we both know we can be, that we should do that. I'm willing to do that. Hell, DYING to do just that. And from a realistic perspective, I can't imagine how she could ever agree to doing that, no matter how much I want her to want it. But I know -her-. And I know the real me. And I know what -we- are like together. And I firmly, absolutely believe, no, I KNOW, that if she and I got together, started dating, if not living together, that we'd immediately be building toward that US that we both want. We'd be changed from the US that was just a few short months ago, but we'd still be US. And together.

And that, boys and girls, is what this is all about. It's all I've wanted from the beginning, through all the distractions and lies and all the unspeakable things I've done to her. Just to be with B, to have her for my partner, my lover. My friend.

All lost.

Because I didn't want to -not- do the things I wanted to do, even though I knew they'd hurt B. And then I lied about them. And lied about the lies. And the final cut? I lost faith in B even as she was telling me we were just about to start. She even gave me fucking DATES for us to get together. And because I didn't think she wanted me or wanted to get together "enough" (whatever the fuck that means), I lost faith in her. And that made me think she didn't want us. And then we were lost.

All at my hand.