For the record: I am a jerk, a liar and an asshole.

let me just state for the record that I am a jerk, a liar and an asshole.

I never thought I was, but my actions have clearly branded me as such. wow. never thought that about myself, but it sure seems to be true. just ask B.

the details of the last few months, and my actions, will come out, but for now, here's recent news...

The other night, I got a call. It seemed to be B, which in itself is a miracle, given what's happened, no, what -I DID- to her. We'd been talking a little and I've been letting her know, in no uncertain terms, that I wanted us to get back together. She swears that'll never happen, that I've killed that part of her. I don't doubt it, I even believe it, but I can't accept it. To do so means the end of hope.

So I got this call that I thought was from B, saying she wanted me, she missed me. Of course, I was soaring; this was the very thing I'd secretly hoped to hear from her. I thought she barely tolerated -talking- to me, and here she was, telling me she wanted me back.

So that night finished with me on cloud 9, contemplating the possibilities, thinking about dates to see her, wondering how I could ever make up to her what I've done.

I should've known it was too good to be true.

The next morning when I finally talked to her, she said it wasn't her. That not only was it not her, but NO FUCKING WAY. She not only didn't make the call but she sure as shit doesn't want me back.

From hell to heaven and back, in seconds.

I can't blame her. I treated her like shit, turned my back on her in the worst possible way, then left her for two months. Just the fact that she'll talk to me at all is a miracle and a testament to -her- character. Because she's certainly left no doubt that it's got nothing to do with me, that she really wants nothing to do with me and frankly, she's not even sure -why- she's talking to me at all.

She laughed at the thought that I could think she'd want us back together. I can think of nothing I want more.

The chances are that I'll never be able to overcome her resistance and get her to want -us-, what we could have, SHOULD HAVE HAD. And yet, i don't really have any choice - she's the best thing that ever happened to me. And apparantly, I'm one of the worst things to ever happen to her.

Not exactly a formula for a sucessful getting back together, huh?