Dear G-d... May I ask a favor?

Dear G-d,

Hi. I know it's been awhile since we've talked and even longer since I've been to synagogue. You know I haven't felt worthy of your attention for years, even though I certainly felt your hand - especially when you brought B into my life.

I know you're fully aware of what happened between B and I. Okay, it didn't "happen" - I DID IT. I wish I could understand how that happened. I know you're into the whole free will thing and all, but FUCK! Apparently I'm not mature enough to handle it. Couldn't you have just thunked me on the head a -little- and made sure I knew what a royal FUCK UP I was about to do?

I don't know what you're plans are for B, but I have some requests, if you don't mind.

First, how did you let me hurt her so much? Not the "let me" part, but how could you -let- -her- be so hurt? She's so special, so unique, so loving... why would you let such a creature be so hurt? And to let someone she loved and who loved her do such a thing to her. I'm the liar, I'm the cheat, I'm the one who hurt her. PUNISH ME!!! Not her. She's done nothing, G-d. She gave love, gave in to love and learned to love more than she thought possible, so please, PLEASE don't punish her anymore, please take the hurt away from her, please remove the self-imposed blocks on her letting herself love and be loved, PLEASE. She, above all others, is truly one of your children. Please, please, please, I implore you, do not let her hurt anymore. I know you have your reasons, but still, you do work in mysterious ways.

I understand why you've hardened her heart against me and against -us-. But why would you let it harden so much against all the other things? Is it possible that you could soften her heart again? A little? Please G-d, she's so full of love and caring, but because of what I've done, she's dead set against letting anyone in, letting anyone ever fully know her again, so against letting her heart love freely for fear of being hurt again. Could you somehow please put some trust, some faith, some reassurance into her heart so she'll love like that, love fully, again? Please? Do you remember how much brighter the world was when she was able to be completely open to love? How can your world not be so much less without her love to brighten it and all she comes into contact with?

And if you would, if you see that it makes sense for -her-, is there any chance you could soften her stand against me? Can you put a tiny spark of forgiveness in her? Not for forgiveness of me, but just enough that she can allow herself to once again even -ponder- a future of her and I together. Or maybe let the memory of -us- from before trickle up into her head and heart? I believe, in my heart, that she and I are meant to be together; I believe that was your plan. If that's still a viable plan, I sure would appreciate a little help. I sincerely believe I've changed; you know if I have or not. If your plan would still be served by having her and I together, could you let her have some indication of that?

If you decree that I've done worse than anyone can be granted another chance, or if she's just better off without me in her life, then may I ask a favor? She's so special, so unique, can you please pay extra attention to her? She has a lover who may be "my replacement" so to speak. (And, please, if my purpose in life was to make it so that she would meet him? I'm not sure I can take that, G-d. That might just be too much for me. Not that it comes anywhere close to losing her, but...) Please, if he's the one to fill her future, to share her life, please, PLEASE make it a happy one for her. Please help her to open up to love again, whether with him or someone else. She's so full of love, so giving and caring.... as you know. I hate the thought that he might be a better fit for her than I, but if that's what you want...

And I know this is terrible, but G-d? I'm weak. If you say her future is to be devoid of me, can I have some help? I'm not sure what I'd do if she finally made clear that she has no interest in me, period. There doesn't seem to be much point in living beyond that. If my "purpose" has been otherwise served, and her final "get lost" is the marker of that, the time at which my life no longer makes a difference to your plans, then please just take me right then. Living without her for the last couple months, and living without her now, and knowing how hard she is set on keeping me at bay while trying desperately to get her back is so hard. So crushingly, emptily hard. If she does finally say "get lost", please, please don't make me go on for more years without her. They'll be such hard, empty years. A fitting punishment perhaps, I understand that. But I would beg for mercy, beg that you not leave me here with my emptiness, aware of her buried hurt and her ongoing life and happiness. Please take me instead, or at least take that into account if I take matters into my own hands.

Regardless of whether or not that guy is her future, I implore you to please watch over her. She's suffered so much, G-d. I would not have thought that you'd let anyone suffer at another's hand like she's suffered at mine, free will or not. She didn't deserve what she got. She deserved the life, the love and the future that she and I had planned out.

I know I ask a lot of things and I know that based on my performance, I have no latitude to ask for anything. I know that the granting of those things might make it look like it's all for -me- (and yes, I would gain SO MUCH), but I see these as things I wish for her. I love her, G-d; you know that. Could you PLEASE let her see and know the truth of it as well? Please? No matter what your plans for me, or whether you'll let her and I be an "us" again, will you please watch over her? And if you're not going to let her and I share the future we once had in front of us, then at some point before she leaves this earth, would you please just whisper in her heart and let her know that my love for her was real, is real, and that the hurt I put on her is a sorrow that I never got over? Will you please let her know the truth of my love for her? Could you please let her know that I always regretted what I did, from the moment it happened. I don't ask this for me, I just hate the thought that she might die still thinking she was lied to. I want her to know, beyond any doubt, that my love for her and what we had WAS REAL and that I missed her every second of every day of the rest of my life, that I eternally regretted what I did to her.

Thank you G-d.

And thank you for putting her into my life.

Please tell her I love her.