the longest day

a-g-a-i-n

She's off today. She told me friday that the office was closed today. I knew what that meant - no talking until tuesday at least (if she deigns to talk to me then).

Even though she said she needed to keep her real life (ie, the one that I'm no longer a part of) and -this- life (ie, the few minutes per day she gives to me, and certainly not a part of her life that she feels is real or to be expanded) separated, I still hoped she might find a desire and a way to say hi on her off day.

I knew that today would be a really long day, especially since I also knew (as she said) that the chances of her signing on to chat, even for a minute, were slim. Practically non-existant.

Having that knowlege beforehand does not lessen the impact.

So, as I expected I would, I've im'd her throughout the day. I've kept a constant watch on her status, hoping to see her come on-line at some point.

But no. The lonely hell of an existance that I created for myself last October continues unabated. She has no interest in exerting herself in anyway to talk to me. I can't say that I blame her, after what I've done, but that doesn't mean I still don't long for her to be available, to want me in some small way.

WTF am I going to do? This was a single day, after a weekend. Three days without her. Probably three days without ever entering her consciousness.

I'm already -lost-. That by my own hand. But now I see I'm doomed too. Doomed to endless days without her, days when I can imagine the way her life is going, the way her life with bf is going, the way her affair with him is going. All at the very same time that she and I would have been starting -our- time together.

2008 - my last year on earth.