where am i and how the FUCK did i get here?

it almost seems like a silly question, doesn't it?

after all, how could one really not know where they are and how they got there? well, it applies to me, kinda. I mean, I can look back and see the steps that got me here. but i swear, i don't see how -that- applies to me. it wasn't me doing those things, it wasn't my life (that i was fucking up), it wasn't the real -me- doing the things i needed to do to get to what (should have been) my real life.

so again: where am i and how in the FUCKING HELL did i get here? because -here- is NOT where i want to be, not where i belong, not the place i'm supposed to be right now.

every time i talk to her it's more and more apparent: i have completely fucked up my life. and hers (or at least the future that she saw and wanted), although she's already dealt with it all and is moving on.

she is gracious beyond compare. she is elegant and graceful and poised. She stands above the crowd in the degree of honesty, integrity and class that she exhibits. 

and those are just her -character- traits. she's beautiful, sexy, sexual, sensual, erotic, graceful, energetic, classy, driven, smart, business savvy.

she has a bf whom she'll soon marry and then live a married life with. she has a lover who is much more than just a lover. and she has me. at one point, i filled the last two spots and was a shoe-in for the first - to be her partner in life. well i fucked that up. so now she still has a soon-to-be-husband. and her lover. and me.

if only she were still mine.

a really nice day

we had a really nice day yesterday. 

good conversation, some laughs. 

she continues to amaze me with her honesty, her strength of character. 

the day ended on a light note.

and today? silence.

over two hours past her arrival time. so what's that mean? is she overwhelmed at work? or having second thoughts about the day we had yesterday? is she okay? something going on at home? did she take the day off to spend with her lover? or does this day just not include me?

whatever the answer, i'll wait...

unemployed, again. and this time, alone and without B

Today is the end of my job. actually, i'm off the clock already, i'm just waiting around hoping that B will find the time and some small amount of interest in talking before she leaves for the day and the weekend.

i'd REALLY hoped to talk to her before she left. i'd really hoped she'd -want- to talk before she left.

well, i did -this-. i put us here. i sent her into his arms.

and then there was nothing.

She's right about this too

She's right about this too.... I can never, will never fully understand the depth and degree of the hurt I caused her. It's simply not possible.



I can certainly imagine what it must have been like to be dropped cold, left standing. I can imagine it, project what that must have been like, postulate what the effect on me would have been. But I can never really -know- what she felt.



So with respect to this, she'll always be pissed off. And there's nothing I can do to make it less troublesome to her. Although I'll still try.

All that I have wrought

These are the things I've accomplished....

- not too long ago, I traveled to my home state; B's state too. I drove over to her area for some undetermined, rather fuzzy purpose. I needed to see her, possibly for the last time. She saw me and during the course of chat that day, agreed to meet me. She wouldn't let me in to her work, or come outside. She agreed to meet; in a parking lot. She didn't get out of the car. I could see her debating with herself over even opening the window to talk to me.

- my job is ending now and I have no immediate plans for the future. Actually I have -no- plans whatsoever. I hinted to her that I'd like to come there again, even if the only thing she could do was another parking lot meeting. She has no interest. None.

- She and I would've been seeing each other RIGHT NOW. We'd have been full on, planning trips and get togethers every couple of weeks. With my job ending now, it would have been PERFECT, as we'd have agreed it would have been a perfect time for me to move to her area. So we could see each other (almost) every day. Spend time together many times a week. Working together toward that time when we could actually -be together-. Now she's seeing her Master/lover several times a week instead.

- I've hurt the woman that I love. The woman who, since I first met her, I -KNEW- was my soulmate. The woman who knows me better than anyone ever has. No one else has EVER gotten as deep inside me. Ever. And I did the most unimagineable hurt to her.

Actually, after the last one, nothing else really matters. She can't hardly talk to me. Won't see me. Can't ever picture her and I having anything more than we have now. And I still dream of having her as my partner.

Some sayings seem to come to light.....

We are our own worst enemies

We only hurt the ones we love

She may be -partly- right

She says I don't have any idea what -real- pain is.

Her point being that what I did to her? Now THAT caused real pain. And in that regard, she's absolutely correct - I cannot know exactly what she experienced as a result of what I did. I never will be able to, either. She knows I'd take all that away from her if I could.

She didn't talk much today. We started out okay but quickly went downhill and then she disappeared for a couple of hours. Then we had a short talk before she left work.

Before she left work early. To be with her Master. Her lover, her sex partner, her Master. The one that she found because of me. The one that she's now enjoying on a regular basis. Instead of me. And because of me.

So right now... RIGHT THIS VERY FUCKING MINUTE she's with Him. While I don't know exactly what they're doing, I do know.

She's known this particular kind of pain, because I subjected her to this as well.

Does she really think this isn't pain?

I would give ANYTHING to have her be interested in a future that centered around "us" - her and I.

Anything

Please HELP!!! Can someone please help me???

I'm dead serious. I'm at wits' end. I NEED HELP.

I'm asking, pleading, begging, groveling for help. Please, can someone give me an idea of what to do?

I won't recount the whole thing; it's more or less documented here. The short version is that on the very eve of B and I finally getting together, finally meeting and starting our in person relationship, I betrayed her. Horribly. I basically turned away from her, took up with someone else that I'd been lying to B about. It crushed B, hardened her heart, made me dead to her.

The problem is? I love B. With all my heart. We spent four years getting to know each other, fell in love, started planning a future when we would be together. She is (she'd say "was") my best friend, ever. And I hers. She is my soulmate; I know this beyond question.

I'm turning my life back around. I'm leaving the other person. Removing everything from my life that has and might distract me in the future. I want to dedicate my life to her, want to spend however long it takes to try to make it up to her in some way. I want back our life, the life we should have been starting -right now-.

She's having none of it. She chats to me, some. She even talks to me, some. But she's having none of -me-. Tells me time and again that I've changed her irreversibly. That she now sees me as I really am, not as who she thought I was. That she could never even imagine touching me or allowing me to touch her. Tells me that there is no chance of us being together again.

No. I cannot accept that. Won't accept that. She is everything I've ever wanted. I fucked up, horribly and want to change this life, make it up to her, give her the future that she and I both wanted.

WHAT DO I DO???? Please, if anyone reads this, please help me. I don't know what else to do.

Please help.

She is my love and she's slipping further and further away. And I'm not sure I can live with that.

If you have ideas, please leave comments here. If you have something to say to B, leave it here and I'll forward it to her (but to be honest, I probably wouldn't forward any "fuck him" messages).

correction

Yesterday was certainly an example of "the longest day". a day when I'm at work, available, waiting, hungry for any contact by her, even knowing full well that since she's off and not all that interested in talking. A full day -knowing- that there will be no contact. So that qualifies Monday as, at the very least an example of a "longest day".

(Actually, she did log on yesterday and say hi. I was at the freakin' gym! Crap.)

What's really a long day is when she's at work and still chooses to not talk.

the longest day

a-g-a-i-n

She's off today. She told me friday that the office was closed today. I knew what that meant - no talking until tuesday at least (if she deigns to talk to me then).

Even though she said she needed to keep her real life (ie, the one that I'm no longer a part of) and -this- life (ie, the few minutes per day she gives to me, and certainly not a part of her life that she feels is real or to be expanded) separated, I still hoped she might find a desire and a way to say hi on her off day.

I knew that today would be a really long day, especially since I also knew (as she said) that the chances of her signing on to chat, even for a minute, were slim. Practically non-existant.

Having that knowlege beforehand does not lessen the impact.

So, as I expected I would, I've im'd her throughout the day. I've kept a constant watch on her status, hoping to see her come on-line at some point.

But no. The lonely hell of an existance that I created for myself last October continues unabated. She has no interest in exerting herself in anyway to talk to me. I can't say that I blame her, after what I've done, but that doesn't mean I still don't long for her to be available, to want me in some small way.

WTF am I going to do? This was a single day, after a weekend. Three days without her. Probably three days without ever entering her consciousness.

I'm already -lost-. That by my own hand. But now I see I'm doomed too. Doomed to endless days without her, days when I can imagine the way her life is going, the way her life with bf is going, the way her affair with him is going. All at the very same time that she and I would have been starting -our- time together.

2008 - my last year on earth.

Dear G-d... May I ask a favor?

Dear G-d,

Hi. I know it's been awhile since we've talked and even longer since I've been to synagogue. You know I haven't felt worthy of your attention for years, even though I certainly felt your hand - especially when you brought B into my life.

I know you're fully aware of what happened between B and I. Okay, it didn't "happen" - I DID IT. I wish I could understand how that happened. I know you're into the whole free will thing and all, but FUCK! Apparently I'm not mature enough to handle it. Couldn't you have just thunked me on the head a -little- and made sure I knew what a royal FUCK UP I was about to do?

I don't know what you're plans are for B, but I have some requests, if you don't mind.

First, how did you let me hurt her so much? Not the "let me" part, but how could you -let- -her- be so hurt? She's so special, so unique, so loving... why would you let such a creature be so hurt? And to let someone she loved and who loved her do such a thing to her. I'm the liar, I'm the cheat, I'm the one who hurt her. PUNISH ME!!! Not her. She's done nothing, G-d. She gave love, gave in to love and learned to love more than she thought possible, so please, PLEASE don't punish her anymore, please take the hurt away from her, please remove the self-imposed blocks on her letting herself love and be loved, PLEASE. She, above all others, is truly one of your children. Please, please, please, I implore you, do not let her hurt anymore. I know you have your reasons, but still, you do work in mysterious ways.

I understand why you've hardened her heart against me and against -us-. But why would you let it harden so much against all the other things? Is it possible that you could soften her heart again? A little? Please G-d, she's so full of love and caring, but because of what I've done, she's dead set against letting anyone in, letting anyone ever fully know her again, so against letting her heart love freely for fear of being hurt again. Could you somehow please put some trust, some faith, some reassurance into her heart so she'll love like that, love fully, again? Please? Do you remember how much brighter the world was when she was able to be completely open to love? How can your world not be so much less without her love to brighten it and all she comes into contact with?

And if you would, if you see that it makes sense for -her-, is there any chance you could soften her stand against me? Can you put a tiny spark of forgiveness in her? Not for forgiveness of me, but just enough that she can allow herself to once again even -ponder- a future of her and I together. Or maybe let the memory of -us- from before trickle up into her head and heart? I believe, in my heart, that she and I are meant to be together; I believe that was your plan. If that's still a viable plan, I sure would appreciate a little help. I sincerely believe I've changed; you know if I have or not. If your plan would still be served by having her and I together, could you let her have some indication of that?

If you decree that I've done worse than anyone can be granted another chance, or if she's just better off without me in her life, then may I ask a favor? She's so special, so unique, can you please pay extra attention to her? She has a lover who may be "my replacement" so to speak. (And, please, if my purpose in life was to make it so that she would meet him? I'm not sure I can take that, G-d. That might just be too much for me. Not that it comes anywhere close to losing her, but...) Please, if he's the one to fill her future, to share her life, please, PLEASE make it a happy one for her. Please help her to open up to love again, whether with him or someone else. She's so full of love, so giving and caring.... as you know. I hate the thought that he might be a better fit for her than I, but if that's what you want...

And I know this is terrible, but G-d? I'm weak. If you say her future is to be devoid of me, can I have some help? I'm not sure what I'd do if she finally made clear that she has no interest in me, period. There doesn't seem to be much point in living beyond that. If my "purpose" has been otherwise served, and her final "get lost" is the marker of that, the time at which my life no longer makes a difference to your plans, then please just take me right then. Living without her for the last couple months, and living without her now, and knowing how hard she is set on keeping me at bay while trying desperately to get her back is so hard. So crushingly, emptily hard. If she does finally say "get lost", please, please don't make me go on for more years without her. They'll be such hard, empty years. A fitting punishment perhaps, I understand that. But I would beg for mercy, beg that you not leave me here with my emptiness, aware of her buried hurt and her ongoing life and happiness. Please take me instead, or at least take that into account if I take matters into my own hands.

Regardless of whether or not that guy is her future, I implore you to please watch over her. She's suffered so much, G-d. I would not have thought that you'd let anyone suffer at another's hand like she's suffered at mine, free will or not. She didn't deserve what she got. She deserved the life, the love and the future that she and I had planned out.

I know I ask a lot of things and I know that based on my performance, I have no latitude to ask for anything. I know that the granting of those things might make it look like it's all for -me- (and yes, I would gain SO MUCH), but I see these as things I wish for her. I love her, G-d; you know that. Could you PLEASE let her see and know the truth of it as well? Please? No matter what your plans for me, or whether you'll let her and I be an "us" again, will you please watch over her? And if you're not going to let her and I share the future we once had in front of us, then at some point before she leaves this earth, would you please just whisper in her heart and let her know that my love for her was real, is real, and that the hurt I put on her is a sorrow that I never got over? Will you please let her know the truth of my love for her? Could you please let her know that I always regretted what I did, from the moment it happened. I don't ask this for me, I just hate the thought that she might die still thinking she was lied to. I want her to know, beyond any doubt, that my love for her and what we had WAS REAL and that I missed her every second of every day of the rest of my life, that I eternally regretted what I did to her.

Thank you G-d.

And thank you for putting her into my life.

Please tell her I love her.

the past always catches up with you

What a difference a single day makes.

This morning when I came in, I was hopeful. While B still maintained her stance of "no way we'll EVER be together", there were little things I saw and heard that (true or not) gave me reason to hope that someday, with work, she and I would be able to work things out and be together.

The problem is, as I stated just a day or two ago, I'm an asshole and a liar. And the past ALWAYS catches up with you.

B and I "dated" for a long time; years. Most of that time passed before we'd ever met face to face. Yet almost from the very beginning of our time together, I loved B. I knew it, I told her so and I acted on that. I KNEW that our futures were destined to be together. She was my best friend ever, EVER. My soulmate. We connected in so many ways, on so many levels.

My fucking cock. G-d damn it!! No, to be fair, it was -me-. All me. As time passed, I became more and more ?unsure? that she'd ever be able to actually make the transition to being in person. I met adult playmates, with her blessing. Even things that she knew of and "approved" caused her and therefore us, much pain. So eventually, I started telling her things that wouldn't hurt her. Not lies really, just not the whole truth. (And yeah, I'm aware that that sounds like a liar trying to justify his actions.) In other words, I lied. And then lied to cover up the lies. And then lied so she wouldn't be hurt that I was continuing to see one particular person. My justification? It was an in-person relationship while waiting for B to decide to see me. -She- wasn't seeing me, so why shouldn't I be allowed to have a physical relationship? B was in one, why couldn't I do the same?

Lies to cover lies. Big lies to cover little lies. Bigger lies to cover previous big lies. Fuck. Before you know it, you're juggling all these balls of lies in the air. And she caught me several times. And often she didn't press the issue like she certainly could have, because in her own mind, I think, she was giving me slack because she and I weren't in person yet.

Liar liar. I knew what I was doing. I knew I was lying. I knew I'd get caught. And still I did it. Even knowing FULL FUCKING WELL that eventually I'd get caught. And have to pay the piper for those lies.

Not so long ago, when I was "deciding" what to do (and that's a whole 'nother story), that's where I fell apart. Truth of the matter is, I wasn't "deciding". I reacted to things I thought were happening. During that time, one of the things that went through my mind was the knowlege, again, that I WOULD get caught, that all the past lies would become known and that she'd bring me to task for them. My only hope was that by the time they were exposed, that B and I would already be together, in a relationship, and that the strength of our relationship would overpower the fact of the lies. Not erase it, mind you, because I FULLY expected to pay. But I did think that our relationship would save -us-.

Well, fuck.

She does know about the lies. I thought she might have known much of it, but (no surprise) she knows a LOT more than I thought. And we don't have our in person relationship to strengthen us up.

The thing that really kills me is this: I'm really NOT like that! REALLY! I'm NOT!

I don't know who the fuck that person wearing my skin, that did all these things, is!! I swear, It's not me! FUCK! I would NEVER have pictured me doing these things. I'm really (REALLY!) a nice guy at heart. I don't hurt people. I don't lie. When I look back, I can't believe what I did. It's like it was a slow motion train wreck and I COULDN'T LOOK AWAY, I had to keep being there.

I've told B, several times lately, that if there was any way she could overlook all the things I've done in the past, just for now, just to let us get together, start our relationship, build US up to where we've been in the past and where we both know we can be, that we should do that. I'm willing to do that. Hell, DYING to do just that. And from a realistic perspective, I can't imagine how she could ever agree to doing that, no matter how much I want her to want it. But I know -her-. And I know the real me. And I know what -we- are like together. And I firmly, absolutely believe, no, I KNOW, that if she and I got together, started dating, if not living together, that we'd immediately be building toward that US that we both want. We'd be changed from the US that was just a few short months ago, but we'd still be US. And together.

And that, boys and girls, is what this is all about. It's all I've wanted from the beginning, through all the distractions and lies and all the unspeakable things I've done to her. Just to be with B, to have her for my partner, my lover. My friend.

All lost.

Because I didn't want to -not- do the things I wanted to do, even though I knew they'd hurt B. And then I lied about them. And lied about the lies. And the final cut? I lost faith in B even as she was telling me we were just about to start. She even gave me fucking DATES for us to get together. And because I didn't think she wanted me or wanted to get together "enough" (whatever the fuck that means), I lost faith in her. And that made me think she didn't want us. And then we were lost.

All at my hand.

Awww! Puh-pee!

Everyone's heard of the health benefits of having a dog (or other pet) in the house. Dog lovers (of which I include myself and B) know this. We're also aware of our tendancy to shift into pet/baby voices when we talk to them... "Awww, hims -such- a good puhh-pee!"

B recently came into protective custody of a lost dog. She of course went into high gear trying to locate the pups' people.

The thing is this: you could hear the true B just overflowing in her voice when she talked about the dog. She lost her own dog some time ago (which was crushing to her). But to hear the animation and liveliness as she talked about all the things she was doing for and to the lost pup. -SO- animated, so up, so happy.

I LOVED hearing that in her voice again, loved hearing -her- excited again.

Had I not done what I did, a pup for B and I could've been in the near future.

:-(

A call for help

HELP!!!

This is a public call for help. I haven't disclosed all the details of my trespasses, but suffice it to say that there were many and -huge-; the worst that ANYONE could do to ANYONE.

Here's what I'm asking:
How can I make it up to her? What can I do to -somehow- redeem myself for my behaviour and for what I did to her? WHAT CAN I DO? Please, I'm serious, I need suggestions, comments, ideas, anything that might help me show her that I'm serious, that I'm sorry, that I'm changed, that I'll never hurt her again. All I want her to do is to just leave the -possibility- that we could happen again, if she sees changes and repentance in me.

WHAT CAN I DO???

Men: you probably haven't done anything as bad as what I have. That's in your "favor". On the other hand, you are a guy and that goes against you. If you have anything to add, please do. But if "buy her flowers" or "give her a massage" are at the top of your list, don't bother. This is waaaaay beyond that.

Women: You are really my target audience. And if you knew the details, you'd probably tell her to bag it and never talk to me or think about me again. But, let's go on the assumption that she, for whatever reasons, -might- be inclined to give us another try, given the right conditions (which I can't even guess at). What could a guy do to help you forgive him? (Not exactly forgive, because I haven't got the balls to ask for that yet... Maybe some day.) If the guy you loved did to you THE WORST THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE and then wanted to apologize, to make it up to you in some way, what would make you think about it?

My job will be ending in a couple months. What I've asked her is to please let me come to her area, visit for a few days. She doesn't even have to agree to meet, just give me that it's POSSIBLE she will. I fully expect her to fuck her lover while making me wait for a few precious minutes with her. I'll take it. I'll take whatever pain and punishment she can dish out (except for completely and absolutely saying "no way, ever"), because I deserve it.

I know her and I can (sadly) see how what I've done to her has changed her. But I can't help but feel that somewhere, deep inside her heart, is the B that I knew and loved. And even though I've done this terrible hurt to her, I have to hope that somehow, someday, she might be able to peek out from behind her walls and see -us- again.

You might ask: "How bad could the thing you did -really- have been?"
Let me put it into perspective for you. Imagine going along all your life, perfectly content with not letting anyone in close, not experienceing real intimacy (not sex, -intimacy-) with anyone, thinking that you don't need or want any of that stuff. And then you meet someone and learn that that whole "intimacy thing" is pretty amazing and that you now want it, need it, crave it. And then the guy shatters it all. Breaks your heart in the worst possible way. So badly have you been hurt that you NEVER want any intimacy again, preferring cold and disconnected rather than ever taking a chance on getting hurt like that again.

NOW what help can you give me?

Please!!! What can I do?

For the record: I am a jerk, a liar and an asshole.

let me just state for the record that I am a jerk, a liar and an asshole.

I never thought I was, but my actions have clearly branded me as such. wow. never thought that about myself, but it sure seems to be true. just ask B.

the details of the last few months, and my actions, will come out, but for now, here's recent news...

The other night, I got a call. It seemed to be B, which in itself is a miracle, given what's happened, no, what -I DID- to her. We'd been talking a little and I've been letting her know, in no uncertain terms, that I wanted us to get back together. She swears that'll never happen, that I've killed that part of her. I don't doubt it, I even believe it, but I can't accept it. To do so means the end of hope.

So I got this call that I thought was from B, saying she wanted me, she missed me. Of course, I was soaring; this was the very thing I'd secretly hoped to hear from her. I thought she barely tolerated -talking- to me, and here she was, telling me she wanted me back.

So that night finished with me on cloud 9, contemplating the possibilities, thinking about dates to see her, wondering how I could ever make up to her what I've done.

I should've known it was too good to be true.

The next morning when I finally talked to her, she said it wasn't her. That not only was it not her, but NO FUCKING WAY. She not only didn't make the call but she sure as shit doesn't want me back.

From hell to heaven and back, in seconds.

I can't blame her. I treated her like shit, turned my back on her in the worst possible way, then left her for two months. Just the fact that she'll talk to me at all is a miracle and a testament to -her- character. Because she's certainly left no doubt that it's got nothing to do with me, that she really wants nothing to do with me and frankly, she's not even sure -why- she's talking to me at all.

She laughed at the thought that I could think she'd want us back together. I can think of nothing I want more.

The chances are that I'll never be able to overcome her resistance and get her to want -us-, what we could have, SHOULD HAVE HAD. And yet, i don't really have any choice - she's the best thing that ever happened to me. And apparantly, I'm one of the worst things to ever happen to her.

Not exactly a formula for a sucessful getting back together, huh?

reality bites

i swear to g-d, i thought my luck had turned around.

She called over the weekend. As if that wasn't stunning enough (especially given that she said she no longer remembered my phone number), she wanted intimacy, phone sex, -me-... even wanted to meet.

after she hung up, i sat, stunned. Is it really possible that she -called-? That alone seems to much to hope for. and then, she wanted me, wanted physical closeness. indicated that she wanted to see me and that we'd talk about it.

pretty much from that moment on, i was wow - everything changed. somehow, she still wants me, somehow, she still wants -us-, is willing to see if that could happen. this is too good to be true! how could i be so lucky? how could she still want -us-?

what an easy night. what an "up" morning....

until, that is, she gets in. and turns out she didn't call me. never mind the ramifications of the caller and the call any more, there's only one important fact to be drawn from her statement:
she didn't call me.

therefore, she DOESN'T still want me, didn't miraculously awaken and realize that what's missing from her life is me. anything but.

but for almost twelve hours i got to think, to believe, that she wanted me and us again.
it was great.

and now, fucking reality.

now what?

I'm really not a stupid person. 

I did a stupid thing. I'm paying the price now and probably will from now on. 

I haven't posted in quite some time. Damn shame, coz if I had been posting maybe I'd've remembered  my own words, which she pointed out to me today:

To all men who read this:

Think carefully before you act. The consequences are more than you expect.

i don't know what to do. I did it and there's no undoing it. She's not inclined to let me have another chance (not that I blame her) or to be open to trying again (not that I can blame her). 

My best friend, too. Now gone.

fuck

I have thoughts about what i'd like to do to -try- (as inadequte as any effort could be) to make it up to her, make up with her, she's having none of it. Not that I blame her.