The 2007 Dumbass of the Year Award

now as you know, we typically like to wait till late in the year before we announce the winner of this prestigious award. we like to wait primarily because there are so MANY dumbasses out there that it just seems silly to pick a winner so early in the year, with so many stellar dumbass moments yet to come.

now you know that we don't like to play favorites, but i have to tell you, this years' winner is someone who's won many of these awards before for his simply fucking stellar interpersonal skills.

he's well known for assuming that everyone else's world view takes -him- and his feelings into account. he's made a name for himself with his consistently self-centered and closed minded actions. but perhaps the one area where he's really made a name for himself is in the arena of relationships. while vigorously proclaiming his innocence of any intentional slights, insults or just plain stupid remarks, he's produced an astounding record of missteps, bad assumptions and misunderstandings. he's consistently brought heartache, dissppointment, sadness and confusion to the person he's time and again said is most important to him.

so, without further adieu,

a fundamental truth

the truth of the matter is that we're good together.

and, imho, we belong together.

i love her.

what else matters?

he tried but he couldn't do it

i try to put my shit aside when we talk. i don't do so well. we talk about it. i -understand- what she says, i really do. but when the words come out, they're all twisted again, all me-centric again. i try to make them be different; they sound different in my head but once spoken, they all sound the same.

i tried to win her heart. i actually may have but i lost it again somewhere along the line. or he won it back. or she didn't want me to have it and took it back. anyone who knows me knows that for that time, i was happy. i knew my future and i liked it. for the first time in a long time, i looked forward to the future.

i tried to be to her the same friend as she is to me. for the most part and for a long time i think i did okay. i think in the past she may have ?overlooked? a reaction/response from me that was not the friend-response she expected because the ?overflow? from all the other facets of our relationship ?made up for? it. but now i think she's starting to see/accept/realize that i'm not the guy she thought/hoped i was. and without the overflow, there's no compensating factors, so it's just not worth the pain and trouble.

i've tried to understand why she can't leave. or should i say, why she can't be with me. sometimes i've thought i got it, but ultimately i guess i don't. i can understand on a conceptual, higher level... but in my head and in my heart, i can't. she loved me, she liked me, she wanted to be with me, but she couldn't bring herself to be with me, to leave him and the life they've built. i have a hard time understanding why, with no "hard" ties like a marriage or children or a huge network of assets, she felt it impossible to leave that life. time after time she told me it wasn't the money or the future-$$$ and it wasn't some hitherto unknown deep love for him. and yet, when she was able to voice a reason, it was all -her- reasons, internal to -her-. "memories". "the only adult relationship i've known". "i've been with him my entire adult life". "i'd never leave one relationship for another". i'm sure that my age and the likelihood of me dying while she's still young were secondary factors. and i suspect that she may have realized that even though i would start a family with her that it might not be in her or the baby's best interest to have an already 20 years older dad.

i've done what i could and it wasn't enough. it's bad enough to know that if competing on my own merits i wouldn't be good enough to win her. but that's not even the case. i'm losing the most important "battle" of my life for reasons i have absolutely no control over.... i'm too old, he's her age, they have 10 years history and we only have 4, she's already there and there's no compelling reason for her to leave.

it's the promise of america isn't it? "go forth young person - you can do and be ANYTHING you want".

oh, except be with her.

now i can try to act like a future without her is okay with me.

huh

i didn't think that when the time came, that i'd be stoic and strong. i think that's just what it looks like from the outside. from this side, it's anything but. painful, overwhelming, unfathomable, inconceivable, unimaginable come to mind.

there was so much to gain.

so much lost.

i'll bet when the numb wears off it's gonna really suck.

and the crowning glory is that when she looks back on this, the thought that will always be with her is that i couldn't get past "me" enough to even try to help her.

parallel worlds?

huh. this world looks just like the one i was in before. everything looks the same - the trees, the sky, the buildings, the people.

but it's not really the same, is it? in this world, my heart finds, but can never be with, its true mate.

in the world i used to be in, meeting her was a possibility; then, i met her and we were together from that moment on.

oh, wait. that wasn't quite right. in that world, i could have met her and we could have been together. but that was before she learned my true colors, what i'm really like. before she learned that, push come to shove, i can't be depended on.

but i'm consistent. doesn't that count for something?

...two...one... zero.

a moment is little more than a figurative "line in the sand". we and all our past and our history, stand on this side of the line. the divide between now and the future is the line in the sand. everything we've ever known is on this side of the line.

and every second of every day we put our foot out to cross the line. but we can't cross it. instead, the line gets moved an instant into the future. and in that instant we get the knowledge of all we didn't know the instant before.

time is kinda like riding backwards in a car. things are happening all the time, but we just don't always get to know about them until we see them zipping past us.

but time is equal opportunity in this regard; it hides both things we long for and things we fear. interestingly, the line in the sand is not the same for all of us.

for example: if someone makes a decision that affects your life but doesn't tell you about it. from their point of reference, they cross the line at the moment of their decision and from then on, that decision is part of history. but for the people who haven't yet learned about that decision, it doesn't yet exist. they may suspect it's coming but for them it doesn't yet exist. we may fear the decision and it's arrival or we may be anxiously awaiting it.

it occurs to me now that it's these moments that we eagerly await or dread the arrival of.

why are the dreaded ones so much more plentiful?

waiting all morning for that eagerly anticipated moment when she comes back, says she's sorry for being distant, tells me all i want to hear. i suspected that either that moment or it's evil twin, the one where nothing's changed from last week, where after a week of being far apart she's comfortable now with the distance and sees more and more of it in the future, would be arriving today.

but i was thinking positively. i was not setting myself up for failure. instead, i was eagerly awaiting that good moment.

i kept watching and looking, waiting for it. i never saw it. but the evil twin was there. i looked, blinked, blinked again. try as i might to force my eyes to see the good moment, as i could see was the one that passed in its place.

counting down

soon, very soon, i'll know. she already does, now it's be up to me to get up to speed.

after a full week of being detached and apart today should tell where she is. has she settled in now, adapted already to being apart, to not having any hope? has she convinced herself that she doesn't have the strength to leave?

has she already grown accustomed to the separation that's been put between us?

dashed hopes

you know how sometimes you ponder a problem? ponder, ponder, ponder. and just can't figure it out, can't get a handle on how to deal with it. and then, it's clear.

and i knew that i knew the right thing to do. not surprisingly, it is to act just as she said she'd wished i'd have responded the first time - to leave me and "us" out of the equation and talk to a friend that was working through something.

no problem. starting today, i make every effort to keep the conversation and the "context" about her, strictly friend to friend, nothing related to anything beyond that at all.

and damn, it felt good. all night and all morning while waiting for her to come in, i was positive, upbeat, ready to move ahead and be there for her, be available for her, if she wanted someone to talk to. so, especially after a nice conversation last night, i was ready, READY to be there for her.

such a nice idea.

she was kinda in a hurry to get off the phone, but there were people floating around there, popping in, asking questions, etc. my first hint was when i said something about knowing someone who could write (to help with some updating she has to do). her response: "you have your own life". i've spent 4 years focused on her but now she thinks me doing something for her is not a good idea coz i have my own life? wtf is that? translation: no thanks.

so what do i do now? my choices are very limited. i can keep trying to get to her, get her to open up and talk to me. this'll either push her further away or pull her closer. it's four days already so "pulling" doesn't seem likely. i can give her silence and space (since my presence seems to be an aggravating factor). this too will likely push her further away because she'll think i don't care. i can try to explain, persuade, cajole or convince her to reopen to our friendship. those have never had any effect in the past though, as she is not one to be swayed by anyone else.

"partners" has always been my most desired and the least likely outcome. "lovers" was always a possible outcome. "friends" is the basis of everything else that we might have or ever have. knowing that partners wasn't likely didn't sit well, but i always knew that at some point even the chance of it would be lost. lovers was where i really thought we'd wind up. friends was where i always thought we'd always be; there was never a doubt in my mind that we'd stay lifelong friends.

so in the last two weeks, two of the three seem to have been, well, the future doesn't look so bright.

and now the third may be in jeopardy as well. it's been a banner month.

not good

when the phone rang early and i saw it was her, i rejoiced. her calling early must be a good thing, right?

a pleasant conversation. some laughs. on the surface it would appear that things have moved back toward normal (well, the normal that -i- want).

but it's the little things that give it away.

she can't talk now coz she's doing an order.

she doesn't want to talk at lunch, preferring to "go it alone today". (second day in a row. a first in our history.)

it's hard to explain - there's just a ?feel? to it.

she's dealing with something that she can't or won't tell me about. it's a significant issue in that it's forcing her to feel "hopeless" about finding herself; it's making her think that we don't belong together; it's driving a huge wedge between us.

and she won't talk about it. won't let me talk about it. won't let me influence her in any way.

and the fear standing on my shoulder and whispering in my ear keeps telling me what i already fear:
- the longer this goes on, the longer she keeps it locked up inside, the less likely it is that she'll ever talk about it.
- the longer we're like this, the more it'll start to feel "normal" to her.
- the longer we're like this, the odds of our future shrink. more and more everyday.

and there's nothing i can do. nothing.

and the real killer? (and this is the thing that will haunt me the rest of my life) i don't think -she- wants things this way. i really believe that in her heart, she wants the same thing i want. but she'll give up the future she wants and destroy the future i want, simply because she -thinks- it'd be better if i was with someone else.

and today....

i don't know. she's still pulled back from whatever the original reason was, plus now even more so because of me.

all i can think is that it ties back to "best intentions". the problem with that is that my best intentions usually strike her as selfish or self-centered or just plain me -actively- doing the wrong thing. strange, because that is certainly not how they start out. i try, i really do, to be "her" focused and not "me" focused. to my pov, i am that way, all (okay, almost all) the time. but to her, all she can see is that i'm only ever concerned about what the impact (of whatever) will be on -us- and thereby, -me-.

it's true that i can and do wind up there, mentally. but, unlike what she says, it's not my knee-jerk reaction to get there, it's not the mindset i immediately go to when there's "something" between us. the problem is, she doesn't see all the mental process that goes between. when something's bothering her, like -something- has been bothering her since the weekend, she often won't tell me about it, or exactly what it is. sometimes she'll talk about it later, but sometimes not. when i'm in that position, that is, when the person i most care about and am literally -waiting- for to come back from the weekend comes back and doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to talk to me, and won't say anything about what -it- is, then what i do is to start analyzing whatever information i have as best i can.

but when i have almost -no- information and no information about what it even relates to, it's a hard task. i can only surmise what's bothering her. and the things i think of are focused on -her-, naturally. what could be bothering her? did something happen? did they fight? did she decide to accept his proposal? did she decide to leave?

so because i have no information about the real issue, i can only extrapolate, make some (hopefully) educated guesses based on what little information she does give me. and in the absence of any concrete information, i make assumptions and follow a train of thought... and usually wind up in the same place - thinking she's done, or thinking about being done (with me).

and because that is a reasonable fear and the most concrete thing i can come up with at the time, i ask questions and/or say things with that slant to it. today, it was "are you done?". just asking that was enough to make her positive that i only care about how things affect me. that if something's bothering her, that the ONLY reason i care is because i want to know how it affects -me-.

how could she think i love her and also think that? how could she have ANY doubt, after all this time? how can she doubt whether she's "enough" for me, or think that i should be with anyone else? i've had no doubts from the beginning. why can't she have the same faith??

she comes down on me so hard for being confused and hurt and tentative when she comes back after a weekend and is pulled back and doesn't want to talk. i wonder what her reaction would be if our roles were reversed and i came back from a weekend and didn't want to talk?

and today?

the early morning passed quick enough - waiting for her to come in.

the initial conversation was good enough. she sounded good.

when i asked her how she was today, she said "fine. same". great. "same" means as yesterday. and yesterday was not a good day.

in chat she's distracted, slow to respond. "Cool" even.

whenever she's pulled away before it's always been very hard. but overnight i seem to pull together, gain some hope and confidence that she'll be back tomorrow. and usually she is.

this feels different. she's -gone- further than i ever remember before.

i fear she's decided my future. and it's not the future i want.

i even asked her last week: why don't -I- get any input into what -my- future is??

------------

her horoscope for today and tomorrow don't sit well with me either. she and i have talked about her finding a lover to have her own experiences with and/or her finding a Dom to experience. last night when we were winding down our convo, she was busy on the pc, even staying after she said "i have to leave -now-" and we'd said good bye. i wondered then if she was looking for a lover or a Dom.

and today's horo says:

"...And you could end up meeting someone who has a profound effect on you.... and some interesting and enjoyable experiences could be in store for you today."

and i wonder now.

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what happened to her over the weekend? it bothers me enough just because i care about her and she's obviously dealing with -it-, whatever it is. but to think that our future, or the chance of one, may have evaporated and i may never know why - that's unbearable.

impotence

a bad(-ish) relationship day on friday, which she ultimately salvaged by calling me last minute to see if we were okay.

another long weekend without her.

an anxious monday morning, waiting for her to return to my world.

an then, not being invited to join her in her day. -not- being on the receiving end of chats. not being invited to lunch. not being able to get her to -want- to talk. not being able to get her attention at all. jumping up and down, waving to and shouting at the inner-B, the one that i know, but because she won't look over this way, not quite being able to catch her eye.

and completely impotent to do anything about it.

i try to chat; short, concise responses. i try to call; brief and "gotta go". i talk, stand here with my arms open and waiting for her; she stands -there- with her arms crossed. i ask if she wants to talk and she says "about what?".

something

it was a rough friday. she called me just before she got home on friday to ask me if "we were alright". to me, we always are, even if -right now- seems rocky.

fast forward to this morning.

whenever we have a ?thing? it's almost always her that brings us back. like she did on friday, calling me last thing before she got home to make sure, with -me-, that we were okay. at that point i was in rough straits, but her calling to see how we were, her -wanting- us to be okay, that did it for me, bringing me ?home?.

waiting for her, more or less calmly, but certainly with some ?apprehension? mixed in. feeling good, feeling hopeful because she went to the trouble to make sure we were good before the weekend. and at the same time, feeling a bit apprehensive, knowing that we haven't talked through everything.

then she calls; earlier than usual even.

and -something- feels off.

a -day- late?

hardly. more like 2,557 days too late. and on the other hand, 6,575 days too early.

anyone who knows me knows that i'm late. period. i'm always late.

my biggest (worst) late ever? showing up in B's life 2,557 days too late. seven years after she met bf. which is pretty much a moot point anyway because she was 21 and even though she says my age is attractive to her, back then i'm sure i'd have just been one more creepy old guy hitting on the hot 21 year old waitress. she'd have flirted, taken my tips and later said to the others "ewww! you shoulda seen this -old- guy hitting on me!"

on the other hand, despite being late all the time, there's one time i was early, seriously early. why did i have to be born 6,575 days before her? such a huge gap. puts me out of her peer group. makes her his peer. makes me die too long before her. makes -me- old.

if only

if only....

... she felt the same way ... about me, about a shared future, about leaving him.

... i could tell her how i see our future, how amazingly good it could be, even after allowing for "reality". it's probably for the better, as someone puking their guts out as you're telling your rose-colored vision of the future is -never- a good thing!

... she had a -little- sense of urgency about us. but with almost 20 years between us, it's understandable that she doesn't, that she thinks she has all the time in the world. actually, -she- does have all the time in the world; it's just that -i- don't. we've already missed out on three full years we could have shared. she won't even have grey hair by the time she realizes/decides i'm too old and she no longer considers me a viable suitor. if we get there before she's decided to leave him and/or be with me, it'll be too late; for me at least. she'll look and realize that the number of good years (hell, never mind "good" years, just -years-) that i can give her is too small a number for her to make the emotional investment, too small a number to make it worth leaving, not enough "good" to offset the pain i'd cause her by dying while she's still young and leaving her all alone.

and the wonderful life that should have been shared by soulmates will be lost.

... i'd been different, behaved differently, at so many junctions in our time together.

... i'd been born 15 years later.

... i was him.

random thoughts, part 17

ya know, they say "consistency" is the name of the game. and there's a few things that i seem to be pretty fucking consistent on.

like last night. b and i had (a fantastic) -three- hours to talk. we talked; a lot. she told me about an erotic adventure she had and, in my typical fucked up fashion, i turned it around to being not about her and her adventure and her reaction to it, but to how it affects/affected me and us. fuck me. at least i'm consistent.

--------

one of her ?hesitations? about leaving (assuming she really wants to) is that "[this] is the only adult relationship i've known. i grew up in this relationship". and it's true - she's been with him almost ten years now.

i know what she means, very well. i was in my relationship for almost 20 years before finding B.

if only she knew that it's just -first- step that's the hardest. not that there aren't hard times after that, but not like that first step. once you get past that first step, once you say "i want out" or "i'm leaving", the hardest part is done. and i think she's ?afraid? that she'd have to go through all of it alone. but why? why doesn't she realize that from the very -minute- she tells him she's leaving she'll have (if she wanted) me on the hotline, available at any time for support? not saying she'd ask me to move there the day after she tells him, but wouldn't -our- talk time, methods, etc, immediately change?

----------

it's funny (but not ha-ha) how we can both look at the same thing and see it so differently. she sees that she needs to "catch up" so she doesn't feel at a (sexual experience) disadvantage to me. :-( she sees herself as somehow unsure that she'll be enough for me!!! that floors me, when she is so much more than i've ever thought i could -know- much less have. all i know is that from about 0.00035 seconds after the first time we're together, we'll be -together-. there'll be no differences between us. i know, instinctively, that from our first touch, all those insecurities and worries will just evaporate.

if only she'd believe it.

if only she'd put a little trust, a little faith into it and -believe- what her heart (and mine) already knows about us - we are. we are right for each other. we belong together.

that's all i want from her - to trust us. okay, and to -act- on it, to make things happen so we can be together.

and now?

the witching hour is here - she should be getting into the office about now.

if she's going in.

and what will happen? will she be in? will she call?

will she be out again?

why i can't chill

why i can't chill....

friday should've been our day. normally it would be our day, but after all the holidays and another short work week, last friday was supposed to be a good time for us to be "together". we should've had almost two-ish hours... except for those evil creatures called "Project Managers" and those frikkin' last minute meetings.. ON FRIDAY, no less. ain't NOTHING happening on that project that was more important than the hour B and i could've spent together.

and of course, the weekend. she either had no opportunity to get out and call or chose not to lest she "interrupt" my weekend. :-(

and now today, well over two hours past her normal arrival time at work, but nothing. no contact.

so what's this mean? did she oversleep? this could be good (coz she finally got enough sleep in one night?) or bad (coz they were out late partying & playing, or maybe just a -really- good night at home?).

did they fight and she left? she's said she'd call to let me know, if that happened. otoh, if it did happen, she'd no doubt have a very busy To Do list. and she might very well not tell me for sometime, so as to not have to deal with me pressuring her "now that she's single".

did they have a great weekend, talking and clearing up any unresolved issues, and now she's committed to bf and doesn't know how to break the news?

is she okay? what if she had an accident this weekend or on the way to work?? i might never know.

is work crazy this morning? maybe she got ambushed on walking through the door and hasn't had a moment to breathe since getting there.

guess i just gotta wait and see what happens.

confusion, unfairness

all i hoped for was a good day with her. we've been so good, so close.

she wants to be -there- (first time she's ever said that so directly though) and she says she wants to be with me.

we can't be together now because she has to "catch up" to my experiences. but she's not having any other experiences, so she'll never catch up.

she wants me, i'm sure of it. but she won't let herself go any further along the road to us ever meeting, much less being together. why? why not?

she says that me seeing my fuckbuddy less makes her pull back. yet the more i see my fb, the more she pulls back. so what do i do? i can't win.

i'm more convinced than ever that she's ready to meet. almost completely positive that come our tentative meeting date that she -will- meet. so why am i also so hopeless that she'll back out at the last minute?

she says she -knows- but just can't bring herself to make a move.

are we destined to never be together because she can't make the hard decision to leave him?

on xmas day, she told me that she wanted to send me an email with all her personal info. then he proposed. then we weren't close, then we were. still no email, so i guess she changed her mind on that too.

in a new york minute

we've been so good. amazingly, superbly, wonderfully good. good to the point of not-wanting-to-talk-about-it-lest-we-jinx-it good.

jinx.

and then ... switcheroo.

i'm not supposed to be thinking or believe that she intends to meet in feb. i'm not supposed to make her my priority. i'm not supposed to do anything to ?align? my life with hers.

but why not?? all of a sudden she doesn't want me wanting that or thinking about that. why? or why not?? what changed, so fast, that we could go from wanting, knowing that we're gonna be together to wanting me to think that at there's no chance of meeting?

it was lunch; has to be. the ten minutes with bf during lunch - something must have happened. or, just as likely, she got mental images of what it'd really be like with me. i'm sure that'd have been enough to get -anyone- to change their mind.

so i'll do what she requests; mostly. i'll tell her that i -know- we're not gonna meet. and that i'm not thinking about it. and try to act like i'm okay with it.

and when that time passes, i'll act like it was no big deal. after all, why would meeting -the one-, finally meeting her, starting our time together (coz yeah, i do think that if we ever met our time together would start from right then), be a big deal?

only the biggest event in my life to date.

obligatory musical reference:

Nickelback: Feeling Way Too Damn Good

... somethings' gotta go wrong coz i'm feeling way too damn good...