I'm losing her more everyday.

It's so hard on me to not have her, not have her trust me enough to even tell me her name, to finally, after two years, to open up to me.

But it's not just that, it's a whole confluence of things.

Certainly her lack of trust in me is a biggie. She says she needs to maintain control, but really, after two years, control of what? If I was going to interfere in her life somehow, out her to bf or something, I could certainly have done it by now. So it has to be a trust thing. And the lack of trust cracks the surface of love and lets so many other doubts in. Is this real for her? Does she really feel like she says she does? Maybe I already know who she is but she can't tell me because it's too hard to admit that she's lied to me for so long. Maybe, maybe, maybe. None of these doubts are credible to me, but her lack of trust in me (me, who'd do -anything- for her! me!) gives them their second to infiltrate my mind.

With trust goes things like pictures. If you loved someone, wouldn't you want them to be able to see pictures of you? Wouldn't you -want- to send them shots fairly regularly? Here's me at the , my new haircut, cutting the grass, at a party. I would. I do. I send her pics probably every month or so. I don't think it's a conceit thing, it's just that I think "she loves me, so she'd want to see these". But she doesn't want me to have pics. So what's that mean? Why still hiding?

Getting together, becoming lovers for real. Next week she's on travel. Strictly by coincedence, I'm going to be in the same state on travel. I could extend my stay, rent a car and we could spend two days/nights together. A perfect opportunity. Ok, not 100% perfect, but 95%+ perfect. She won't do it. It wasn't her idea. It's me pressuring her. It's a situation that would give us more time together, with less possible interference from bf, than -any- opportunity we'd have if she was home and i went there. But it's not to be. She's feeling guilty; she can justify the phone relationship we have now, but can't "cross that line". I wonder if he'd feel better knowing that she and I have never fucked, only that she loves me?

I wish I could get her to understand how much pressure and stress would be lifted from our relationship (fine, i admit, primarily from me, but from her side too) if she would stop hiding from me. There's things, work things, I could do for her during the day. I know it's not much, but 4 or 5 things I do for her that each take 15 minutes frees her up a whole hour, either to get other things done and catch up, or to time for us to talk. But she can't. She won't.

The sexual relationship we (would) have is something she wants. At least, the -type- of relationship. She's told me how she's sad because she feels she'll have to live without it and she feels like it's such a big part of her, of who she is, of what she wants. I tell her she can have it - not just with me, but all she has to do is -do it-. Make him learn to give her what she wants; she says he can't. So move on, B! Come to me or find someone else who can give you want you want, what you need. But she's so afraid to hurt him, so attached to the comforts of that life that she can't see herself leaving. I always thought it was partly the financial aspects that kept her there. I'm afraid it's more of a reason than I thought, and more of a reason than she'll admit.

She has less time for me than ever. Admittedly, her work is changing and she's having to take on more stuff. But she won't stay as late because he gives her shit. She won't have another phone. She won't call me on Tuesday evenings or Saturdays or anytime on the weekends. She won't take time to read emails. Won't chat or email from home. All things she used to do. Maybe she's right - she said not too long ago that because I'm available to her all the time, I devalue the time, make it less special.

My heart will never be the same without her.

What's the point?

Something many people don't realize, and I suppose I didn't either until recently, is that there's a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live.

First off, I'm not suicidal, so nobody call 911.

I don't want to die. Not at all. It holds no great allure, no promise of release from pain or whatever. But I don't really have any interest in living either. There's nothing really to live -for-, ya know?

Career? Nah. I've never really had a desire or need to leave my professional mark on the world, or to try to acheive nirvana through working. Working was always a way to money and money a way to a comfortable life. Working's easier when it's tolerable, though, so I've been lucky enough to pretty much always have decent work.

Wealth? Not so much. Everyone wants to have more money, to be "rich". Who couldn't use a few extra bucks. Okay admittedly, money is VERY tight right now and probably will be for the rest of my life, but, ok. I'll probably be able to get by, more or less.

Love? Not any more. I've found her. For two years I thought there was a chance we could bring this wonderful connection together, grow it into the relationship that it could be. This connection brought so much promise, carried in it the hope of something so special, so deep and loving and -honest-. So right.

But that's not gonna happen. She hasn't said it yet, but I feel a change in her. She hasn't vocalized the words, probably not even to herself and I don't think she's made a -decision- per se, but I feel that in her heart, she's accepted that she's staying where she is and that she'll never give us the chance to see what we could have had together.

So now what?

Work, money, love. What else is there? Frankly, if you have the love, the other two don't matter nearly as much. And what good are the other two if you don't have the love?

So back to my original statement. It's not that I want to die, but I have no desire to live this life, either.

Reality, interrupted

There's something radically wrong with the cosmos. And it's so unfair.

She says she likes having me in her life. That I make her happy. That she can see what it would be like together and that it'd be good.

She says he doesn't really make her happy. That for the rest of her life with him, what is now is what it'll be like. And she's not happy.

But she won't see me. Won't meet me. Won't be my lover. Won't take a chance on creating her own happiness and making a life with me.

But she won't leave him. She won't hurt him "like that". It seems to come down to she won't leave simply because she doesn't think leaving one relationship for another is a good idea. She won't leave for a fucking principle.

She won't look at what she wants, see where she wants her life to go, follow her heart to where happiness might be by leaving somewhere where she knows it's NOT.

So she'll live a life with him until she simply can't stand it anymore. In a kind of cosmic irony, he'll be the happiest one of the three of us. He won't be as happy as he could be, because I don't think he'll ever have all of her. But at most he'll feel that perhaps there could be more, a nagging feeling that there might be more in life.

But he'll have her as his partner, lover, probably wife, probably mother of his children.

She'll be, on average, about what she is now. Not happy, by a long shot, but not terrible either. She can live a life with him without putting much effort into it. Little pain, little risk, little effort. The highs might not be so high, but at least the lows won't be so low, either. She'll eventually take a lover or lovers. They'll talk less than they do now.

I'll be miserable. And alone. Not in solitude, for I'm sure I'll have lovers now and then, maybe even friends. But I'll never have her. And I'll never have another relationship like this one. Having found the person that I -want- to talk to, -want- to listen to, -want- to fucking LIVE a life with, I have to somehow learn to live without her.

How can you do that?

I have a terrible feeling that because she won't see me, eventually she won't be able to let me stay in her life, either. I believe she wants to make us real as much as I do. But she won't, so as to not hurt him "like that". I think the consequences of her self-denial will eventually make her too sad. I believe that the guilt she feels for keeping me in her life now, as confidant, lover, friend will also weigh on her. Between the guilt she feels for lying to him to keep me (but if it's important enough to her to keep me in her life that she'll lie to him, why won't she make us real??) and her ?sadness? at her own decision to not meet, I think I'll be too painful for her to keep around.

I think I'd rather meet her and have her tell me that she was completely wrong about me, that I"m an asshole and there's no fucking way she'd ever be with me than to have her deaden her own future, and mine, rather than hurt him. She should let him go, let him find someone else to love, someone who will find in him all they're looking for. She doesn't; she finds him lacking. Yet she stays. Otherwise, I have to go through life thinking we would have been great together.

Just not great enough for her to want.

Happy Anniversary

Two years. Unbelieveable.

Friday was our anniversary. What a great day. Of course I wish we could have spent it in each others' arms instead of on the phone, but nevertheless...

She is the most sensual, sexual, erotic woman.

I want her. I love her.

B, I love you.

Countdown to two

The countdown continues. Our two year anniversary is two days away.

Two years. Amazing. Seems like no time at all, yet it seems like I've known her all my life.

Two years. Wow.

A year ago today is probably the day she cancelled the ticket she had to fly out to meet me. She was going to surprise me for our first anniversary, fly to me, spend a day and a night together. Now she's glad she didn't do it. She still won't give me a picture. Or tell me her name.

I guess it's time for me to give up the fantasy that she's arranged a meeting for us this year.

We've talked about our anniversary. She knows I sent her a package yesterday. I wonder if she knows it's Saturday? I wonder if she knows the time?

I wonder if she knows how much I need her, need to meet her.

I wonder if she knows how much I love her. I think she does, at some level, but I think she pushes it out of her mind, doesn't want to know, doesn't want to think about it. Probably prefers not to know.

What do I do?

WTF is wrong with me?

I'm destined to fuck this up.

I get wrapped up in feeling bad, or feeling bad for myself. And it just spirals downward, out of control until I'm lost, completely and utterly lost.

And today I'm saying half-things to her, i can't make the words right, can't put together thoughts that make sense, instead she hears them as accusations or something which just makes it worse which just sends me spinning faster and farther out of control.

I think she doesn't understand how I feel, but the truth of the matter is that doesn't matter. Whether she does or not, it doesn't matter, because her understanding how I feel isn't even a factor at the stage of the relationship that we're in. She's giving me all of her and all of her life that she's willing to give. She won't take time away from them or him, won't IM or email me from home, won't call more often on weekends - because she's gving me all that she wants me to have.

It's me that doesn't understand. I'm not going to have her. She's doesn't want to give any more than she's already giving. She has a life, a love, a partner and she doesn't want to jeopardize that.

It's me that doesn't understand. She's taken. She might like me, like what we share, even fantasize about what else there could be, but she loves him. Loves their life together.

I can't have her and I can't give her up.

Can't live with her and don't want to live without her.

Can't be her lover and can't stand not being her lover.

These lyrics come to mind ... "she'll take away your pain, like a bullet to your brain". Being able to be to her what I wish I could be to her would take away my pain. Not having her is like a bullet to the brain.

Maybe that's what I need.

I never knew love could be this intense, this fulfilling. Or that not having it could be this painful. I always thought true love would prevail. Always. So either this isn't true love for her or I've been believing another bullshit fairy tale for most of my adult life.

Maybe it is true love for her. It's just not me that she loves.

Some people believe they don't deserve to be happy. I want to be happy, but then I guess even the lowest low life does too, don't they? The wicked stepmother drilled into my head for years that I was no good, would never amount to anything, didn't deserve anything.

I'm beginning to believe that I don't deserve happiness. Certainly, having found it, I can see it, almost touch it, I just can't have it.

It's payback for all the bad karma I've created. I don't deserve it. Won't have it.

Maybe it's better. At least I won't fuck up her life too.

I want her more than ever

We have to get together. I want it so much, want her. I know she wants it too although she's not sure she wants it to happen.

We have to. We are so alike in what we want. Almost perfectly complementary. What I want to do to her, she wants to experience. She wants to do the things I want her to do.

While I'm talking about sex right now, it applies to the rest of our lives, too.

But sexually... we belong together.

For that matter, mentally we belong together too.

Assorted thoughts

Assorted thoughts...

---------
Weekend calls.
She hates it when things are expected between two people. I don't expect her to call me over the weekend. I know she can't unless she gets a chance to get out alone for a few minutes. On the other hand, I do think she wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to her. I don't -demand- that she call me if she gets the slightest chance. But if she wants to talk to me like i think she does, then i would think she would call given a chance. So what should I think? Should I think she got NO opportunity, that over two and a half days there was no time when she was out shopping or errand-running by herself? Seems unlikely. Or should I just accept that it's not as important to her as I'd hope it is and that while she was out it just didn't occur to her? More likely, but not an explanation i want to think of.

---------
Anniversaries.
B and I have talked several times about how our interpretation of time is different. I believe it's related to our ages; I'm much older than she and I seem to feel time moving by much quicker, I feel more 'urgency' to ?resolve? our relationship, whereas she's much younger and feels no urgency about the passing of time. The second anniversary of our first telephone call is this saturday. Sometime this week would be the 2nd anniversary of our first chat, and last week of our first emails. To me, it's a big deal. I can't believe that I'm in a love relationship with a woman and I've never met her, have no personal pictures of her, don't know her name or anything about her life, can't call her and yet I love her, would pack my worldly possessions and go to her immediately if she were to ask it.

On our first anniversary, she'd made secret plans to come to me, to spend a night and a day with me, to meet each other and make this real. I fucked that up and it didn't happen. Anyway, here we are with another anniversary looming. It's been on my mind daily for about three months. I have a fairly persistent fantasy that she'd try to arrange for us to get together this anniversary. But I think she's more set than ever on not meeting, at least not in the foreseeable future. I know I'm setting myself up for a huge disappointment and I just know that this weekend is going to be a very, very difficult one for me. A good weekend to tell everyone else that cares (an exceedingly small number) that I'm sick and staying in this weekend. And spend the weekend with some 80 proof medication and memories and fantasies.

Anyway, the thing that bothers me is that she's never even mentioned it. I'm not sure she'd even know it was coming if I hadn't mentioned it. Why? Is it not important to you B? It's one of the most significant dates in my life.

Old men. Old men with fantasies.

---------
Verbal Foreplay
We've all heard many times before that women need more foreplay than men. Also, that sexual foreplay isn't the only foreplay, that women want conversation, connection, interaction. I have to admit that I've always considered myself a pretty considerate lover and pretty understanding of the concept of foreplay, both sexual and non.

But now I know.

Friday afternoon B and I had time to talk. Thursday I'd asked her to wear a skirt on Friday; in the past I've asked her to wear something in particular or bring something to work, whatever. She has done it once or twice, but I knew that this would not be one of those times. I also knew, on Thursday, that there would be no sex on Friday, that I would not even attempt it. This is not to say we wouldn't talk about sex, just that we wouldn't have phone sex.

We didn't. But we talked. And talked. We were animated, the talk flowing fast and free. We talked about books, movies, plans, everything and nothing. And now I understand the statement about other things being "more" than just foreplay. When we hung up Friday, I felt -so- connected, so in tune, so turned on. So hungry for her.

But too late for me. She was already on her way home. To him.

Maybe there's something in the middle

I seem to always have a tendancy or knack for overreacting. My emotional and mental state sometimes take enormous swing from one extreme to the other.

I wish we could just meet, start seeing each other. I want to get past this phase of my life and of our relationship. Meeting her will bring so much ?normalcy? to my life, my head, my heart. It'd make her real, at last. It'd bring some peace, remove those self-doubts that make me wonder why a woman like her, a smart, sexy, beautiful, intelligent young woman like her would be the least bit interested in me.

i guess it's time to accept it...

It's time to stop. Stop trying to pull her, trying to make her love me, stop trying to make her want me.

She's happy where she is, or happy enough. I can't make her want me or want to be with me. I can't convince her to make her own happiness the most important thing to consider when making her life. Or maybe she already does and being where she is -is- what makes her happy. Whether she's just too happy with him to be lured away, or she's not happy but I'm not enough to lure her away, it doesn't really matter. Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, girl loves someone else, boy doesn't get the girl.

This is going to take so long, be so hard. Fuck, just the thought of it tightens my chest and my throat, makes me have to stop until the tears subside. But my wanting her only makes her uncomfortable and unhappy. She wants me as a friend. I wanted her as my life partner, as a lover, and as a friend. She has a partner and a lover though. I'll just try to be the best friend to her that I can be.

But how do you give up that hope? How do you give up the hope of a life that could have been so awesome, so full, so complete? When you find the person that completes you, makes you whole, makes you feel alive and human and wanted and loved, how do you let them walk out of your future? How do you live with that and just go on as though nothing happened?

This isn't a switch, an overnight change. This is going to take me a long, long time. Assuming I can even do it. At some level, I'll never be able to let her go, she'll always be a part of me, a place in my heart waiting for her. I'll fight it along the way. I'm sure I'll fall back into my old ways and try to win her, have her again and again. But I'll know in the back of my mind, in the empty pit of my stomach, that I can't have her, that she doesn't want to be with me, that she -is- where she wants to be.

It's so ironic. She loses desire for me because I'm too available. And I'm available all the time to her because I want it, crave being with her, need to be available for her. If I weren't available, she would think I'm not interested or didn't care, when nothing could be further from the truth. She said our time together (on the phone) would be more meaningful if we didn't have as much. But for me, we can't have enough. Every minute that we get, that she'll give me/us, is so precious. We used to have so much more time. I think that time was more meaningful to her than the lesser amount of time we have now, so something else must have changed too.

I'm losing her, have been losing her for some time. She's slowly slipping away, I think because she wants to be with him but feels guilty for the quality time we do get to spend together. So, subconsciously maybe, she's pulling back, a little at a time. She won't let herself have as much spare time at work, when she used to make much more time. Because she won't give herself more time, she won't write or respond to email, because to do so would take away from our already limited time, so I'd rather we talked. She'll spend 45 minutes looking for the perfect graphic to use in a document, but the 15 minutes she'd need for email has to come out of our already small allocation of time. I guess I don't blame her, because she is in a life with someone else, and she does have work responsibilities, and I really have no claim to her time. I'm only in her life at her choice anyway, so how can I demand or expect more? I can only want more.

When we had phones, she'd often take 30, 45, even 60 minutes for lunch. We'd talk, chat, have phone sex, whatever. Now she hardly goes out (and we don't have phones), she eats at her desk, and we talk for 15 mins or so. And never sex. She says she can't get into that mindset during the day. So, I've lost that attractiveness to her as well. It used to be that we couldn't wait for our next chance to have sex, to talk sex and sexy to each other. She's pulling away.

It's such a wonderful feeling to lose your heart to someone, to be able to give it, without reservation, without hesitation, to someone you know is the right one. It's so liberating, so freeing, such a feeling of uninhibited giving and loving.

It's such a terrible feeling to have lost your heart. Especially to know that you've found the right one, the one you've been looking for for so long, to have found her, to have connected, to know that she feels it too... only to find that she doesn't really feel the same thing, to have her realize that the love she already had is the one she wants to keep. It's not fair. It's so unfair, so wrong.

But I really don't have a choice, do I?

Decisions, decisions. Or not.

Sometimes you get what you want. Partly.

I still can't get her.

But we did get to talk a lot lately. A lot. And about ?heavy? things, our relationship, the future, feelings, all of it.

But as Mick Jagger says "You can't always get what you want".

We talked, a lot, about her and I, her and bf, possible futures, what we each want from the future, from life. She knows she has to make a decision sooner or later. Actually she doesn't really need to, because inaction on her part will constitute a decision too - the decision to stay where she is, with him. I know, believe me I know, how hard that decision would be. I can completely understand the feelings of being overwhelmed with the magnitude of a decision like that. While talking, I thought I heard in her voice and words that she knew the truth of what we were saying.

Then just before we hung up she told me "I want you to know I'm not on a mission to make a decision now."

Why doesn't she understand that not making a decision IS a decision? Truth of the matter is, she does understand that. But she doesn't seem to think it matters.

It fucking matters to me.

How can I give up, even knowing that she doesn't want to make the decision, even knowing that that non-decision so completely alters my future? And hers?

One thing i don't understand: why? Why doesn't she want me? Why won't she see me? Why can't she love me? What does he have that I don't, what critical traits do I so lack???? Why would the universe let me find her only to then not let me have her? Just to punish me? To show me that -some- people can be happy, just not me?

Fuck.

Setting speed records

Yesterday was good. No, great. We had a great afternoon, a lot of time to talk. It was close, good, friendly, sexy. In short, it was -us-.

Thought about her all night (nothing new there).

Got up and made sure i was showered and ready when she called.

and fucking ruined her mood in less than 15 minutes.

It's hopeless. There's no way she'll ever want to see/meet me, much less anything more.

I should just go away/fade away/die now.

Forgive me

G-d help me, but I'm mad at her.

It's so hard to believe that all weekend she had no time alone, no opportunity to get out for a few minutes alone, no chance to call me for just a minute. It feels crazy to be mad at her; but "mad at her" isn't really right. Maybe I'm hurt or disappointed that after what I felt we missed out on on Friday, after how much I thought she was disappointed that we didn't have the time we wanted to spend together, how could she not have made an effort to call?

I know that tomorrow when I hear her voice I'll forget all about this. It'll fade into the past as not important, which I'm sure it's not.

But still, how could she not want to call? I've been dying to hear her voice, hear from her all weekend.

How could she not want the same thing?

Disappointment, hope, longing

Friday was a seriously sexy and erotic day. we talked and chatted all morning and afternoon about sex. First about sex in general, about our Thursday talk, and then about increasingly specific and hot sex.

The very hot sex that she wanted, that I wanted, what she wanted from me.

We didn't get time though. She had last minute business stuff to do. Then she figured we had about an hour before she had to leave. She called him to tell him that.

Fucking prick bastard. He gave her a hard time because the office was already closed, why wasn't she home already, etc etc. Fucking bastard. He gets her all the time... ALL THE TIME. He was going to have her in their house, in his arms, in his bed all weekend. He couldn't fucking let her have one fucking hour on her own?? I know it sounds stupid to ask why he wouldn't let her have an hour to be with her lover, but fuck... ONE FUCKING HOUR. When she came back on the line to me she was so stressed.

And she was so disappointed. I think she was also stressed because she anticipated how I'd be, how disappointed and that I'd make it harder on her when (in her head) she had no alternatives. But I did my best to understand, to not make it more difficult on her. I think I surprised her, because I was understanding. Disappointed of course, which she could certainly hear in my voice, but I didn't try to hold her.

I think I was better able to do it, and mean it, because I KNEW she was disappointed. She'd been anticipating our time together all day, as I had. She was horny and hot, ready for the sex she'd asked for, and most importantly to me, she'd told me all along how much she wanted it, was anxious for it, anticipated it.

I wanted it too, even more so because of her desire. What she wanted I won't say because it's too private right now, especially given that we were denied the time to play together that we should have had. But I wonder if she was able to ask him for what we weren't able to have together? Would she be able to? I don't know; I want to say she wouldn't ask him for those things, couldn't ask him for them. But she might have, might be able to, especially if my thinking is more wishful than based on knowing her.

Did you get what you wanted B? Those things you wanted Friday, were you able to ask him for them, did you ask him for them?

It's so confusing to want her to get all that she wants and at the same time to want her to not get them with him, only with me. It seems so ?selfish? on my part.

My desire for her, the desire, the want, the lust that she built in me all day Friday has not diminished in the least. If anything it's grown over the hours since (44 hours, but who's counting?) and will continue to grow, I know, until we talk and then until we finally get to touch, to share, to have what we wanted then.

B, where are you now? What are you doing? Do you think about me when we're apart for the weekend? Have you been thinking about Friday?

Do you know how much I want you?

baby, i want you

She said something to me tonight. something she's said before, but something i'll never forget. She said to me "i want to fuck you, xxxx".

Can you imagine -anything- that anyone could say to you that holds more power, more meaning, more importance?

I can't.

we made love this afternoon, kind of. I knew, and she knew, that we didn't have time to satisfy each other. instead, we touched. we touched as lovers, as two lovers who haven't touched in a long time, who haven't yet touched in real life.

but we will.

I know this.

baby, i love you. I want to hold you, touch you, smell you, taste you, feel you.

more than anything? I want to make you happy.

The planets align again

Sweet music in my ear this morning - her voice. She was in early, as I expected she would be... and she called. We talked. The planets are aligned again.

A short talk, twenty fast minutes. Too fast. But it's not as though we woke up together. I could hear the stress in her voice, the work stress. Not in the -sound- of her voice, but in her words. She was closed. She wanted to talk, which is why we were talking, but I could feel her looking around her at the stacks of things she had to attend to, and I could feel them pressuring her.

So I breathe deep and try to hold it together until later when, hopefully, she'll have knocked a bunch of the work out and she'll be able to breathe. And then, if she feels some relief, and she feels some connection to me, she'll be able to let her guard down and open up. And then we'll be together again, be able to spend some time together. Really together.

Asking for help

I talked to her today. Well, IM'd actually. And she lifts me, changes my mood, makes me glad to be alive, glad to be a man, and most of all, so lucky to have her in my life.

I've talked to G-d twice today, something I don't normally do. I'm not a particularly devout man, nor observant of my religion, although I do believe in G-d. When I worried that she might be hurt, I asked Him, silently, to please not let it be so. And when she and I had finished IM'ing, I thanked Him for having kept her safe.

And then something else hit me. I've said to her many times that all i want to do is make her happy; whatever I can do to make her happy is what I want to do, what I'm willing to do. In my heart, I've said the same thing to G-d. Not so much as a ?plea? but out of frustration perhaps. And then it occurred to me.... She -is- happy. She must be, or she wouldn't stay there, would she? Isn't it conceit of the grandest scale to think that she couldn't be happy unless she had -me- in her life? Thinking of it now, it seems farcical for me to even thing that. I've never been able to make or keep anyone happy my whole life, including myself. How could I think that I could ever make her happy? Even more, how could I have the fucking gall to think that she couldn't be happy without -me-??

Fuck. That's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

I should just realize that she is happy and stop doing my damndest to make her unhappy. All I've been doing is pressuring her, pushing her. She's got it all - financial security, a wonderful house, a good comfortable life, a man who loves her, a successful business and above all, a man she loves. What am I doing trying to get in the middle of that? I should fade from her world and stop interfering and let her live the good life she's built.

But I'm a selfish prick. I want her. As much as the evidence says she's happy, as much as she stays and won't see me, I hear in her voice, I think, that maybe she's really not happy. I wonder, sometimes, do I hear her whispering to me from within the prison she's built or am I just hearing my own wishful cries?

I want her because of what she makes me feel, because of what she does for me. She makes me feel alive. She makes me feel like I'm a better man. She makes me feel wanted, needed, desired, even attractive. Even more, she makes me feel all the things I want to do for -her-. She makes me want to do for someone else, for her, more than I would've thought myself capable of. I want to please her, all the time. I know I don't (seems like usally just the opposite) but I -want- to. She makes me aware, her attention and affection make me aware of how much I want to give to her.

I want her because I love her. She touches me like no one ever has. I feel for her like I never have before. When she talks to me, she's talking to -me-. To -me-. To have her attention is to have all of her. When we talk, when she listens to me talk, she makes me feel as though what I'm saying has meaning or value or worth. When she opens up to me, it's the warmest, closest, best place I've ever been. She's with me, all the time. She's with me now, or when I wake in the middle of the night, when I shower, when I work, and when I sit alone and feel sorry for myself and drink myself into oblivion. She's there, all the time. I don't deserve her. Which seems ?fitting? because I can't have her.

Yet I can't just give up.

I don't know what to do. So I ask Your help, one more time.

Please G-d, help me. What do I do?

Please.

And the answer is...

She IM'd me.

She's still away, back tonight.

Even knowing she's with him, her contact makes me feel better.

She says she's worried about me. Don't worry about me B - LOVE ME. Stop holding back (if you are) and LOVE ME. I know I have many doubts and insecurities about myself, but there's one thing I have no doubts about - what I feel for you, how I KNOW what we'd be like together. I wish I could show you so you'd see it, know it too.

Give me the chance, give US the chance. If you do and then you don't feel it too, I'll go and leave you alone.

But don't we owe it to ourselves to find out???

She'll be back tomorrow.

I can't wait to talk to her.

Okay, so now what?

Three full hours later. For awhile I had reason to believe she would "be in later", but now I doubt that too.

So what's going on, what's happened? What are the possibilities?

1. She could be hurt.
   
2. She just hasn't had time to get to me yet.
3. She's back home, but something came up at home and she hasn't made it into the office yet.
4. She's back home and dealing with something big. She accepted a proposal, she's leaving him, he found out about me again.
5. She's still away.
   

Number 1, G-d forbid, and I'm going to arbitrarily rule this one out.

Number 2. I have to think about this one. The implications are too big.

Number 3. A possibility. Maybe she had too much fun on the trip and needed a day to recoup. Maybe boat problems. Or house problems. Any number of life things that could come up and require ones attention. But I would think, unless Number 2 is also at least partly correct, that she'd have found a way to call and say hi.

Number 4. The proposal is always a possibility. Everytime they go away I expect her to come back engaged. How could this expectation always be there? It seems to me, no matter what she says, that there's a whole lot more love/attraction/commitment from her to bf than she lets on. Could she have left him? Possible. (and yes, g-d forgive me, it's what i want, i'm sorry). But not likely. Could he have found out about me again? Possible. Again not likely. And the kick in the stomach here is that if he did, she's frantically trying to hold their relationship together.

Number 5. She's still away - I'm gonna put my money here. It could have been a last minute decision, like they were having so much fun together that she wanted another day. More likely, this was the plan from the beginning. I wondered how anyone could go to that famous place and not stay Monday night to see the fireworks. She might have not wanted to tell me so I wouldn't attribute more to the length of their vacation together than she wanted to deal with. Or maybe it really was last minute and she decided to fly home this morning and will be in the office later.

What about number 2? If she's back at work today how could she not have time for me? No time for a 1 minute call to say "I'm too busy for you. Later."???? Or an IM to say "I'm in the office. Very busy. Maybe we'll talk later"??? But she knows me well enough to know those would have their own effects on me - so maybe she wouldn't do so, because it'd be easier to just deal with the original number 2 than to deal with that plus my reaction to being told bluntly "I don't have time for you".

So I have to go with number 5 - that she's still away, or at least, didn't come back last night. And I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling that coming back last night was never the original itinerary. So why wouldn't she tell me that?

None of these possibilities are "good" for me or my hope of where B wants me in her life. (BTW, please G-d, I'm trusting in You that she's okay.) Maybe the breakup scenario, but that's exceedingly unlikely and causes her pain, so that's not so good either. Yet despite the ?panic? that I should be feeling and the ?frentic-ness? I should be living with today, I'm strangely ... not calm, more like.... accepting?

Different approaches

If it was me, I'd have done it differently. A lot differently.

Faithful readers of this (of which there are none other than me), will know that B, the love of my life, has just been away for four days. Beyond that, there should have been two days where we could have had a LOT of extra phone time but didn't.

So let's call it a week since we've had a "normal" amount of communication. And four solid days of nothing other than one brief call Friday evening. But not just a normal long weekend, an extra long weekend. And a weekend during which she went away with her... guy. bf. lover. live in. live in lover. significant other. the real man who shares her real life. the reason she won't see me.

Had our positions been reversed, I'd have been in the office extra early today. I would have picked up the phone to call her before doing ANYTHING else. Before coffee. Before turning on the pc. Before dropping my briefcase. Before anything else. I couldn't have waited. I'd have been chomping at the bit the entire drive in, anxious, DYING to talk to her.

But she was probably in the office early today too. I'd bet 60-90 minutes early.

But her priorities are different. Work, home, bf. Work is huge to her. I know that, have known that. Her home is important to her.

BF is important to her. More important than I want to admit apparently.

I know I'm important to her too. I'm just not at the position on the list that I thought I was, or at least where I wanted to believe I was.

So more than likely she's been in the office for about 2 hours. After five days apart. Even if she didn't get in early, she's been there thirty minutes. After five days apart.

And still I haven't heard from her.

Even if everyone in the office pounced on her with a problem the second she walked in, couldn't she say "Gimme 5 mins, okay? I -have- to get one thing done first."

Am I wrong? Or am I just getting a reality check?

I want to give her everything. Everything I have to give. Love, friendship, romance, attention, support. All of it, all of me. I want to give her the rest of my life.

How could she not have been dying to call? I would have been.

Life is so fucking unfair. Love is so unfair. How can love be so uneven, so unbalanced? What ever happened to "love always triumphs" or true love or all that? All bullshit? Maybe it does still hold true, just her for him, not her for me.

Is love always a triangle? I love her, she loves him.

I've never felt anything this strong, this right, this ?pure?, this deep.

Fuck.

Waiting. And waiting.

I know where she is now, but where will she be when she gets back? Everytime they go away I wonder if he'll propose to her. Even worse, I wonder if she'll accept.

Has the trip brought them closer? How could it not, if even for a while?

When she called on Friday I asked her if she'd rather be going with me. She told me that was an unfair question and that she couldn't answer it. (Not sure if "couldn't" meant she had no answer or if it really meant "wouldn't".) I don't see why she couldn't. If she said yes, it wouldn't tell me anything more about her state of mind (actually, heart) than I already assumed/hoped/guessed. But if she said no, that she'd rather be going with him than me, that does tell me something, doesn't it?

Obviously there's something that holds her there. If she knows what it is, she isn't saying. If she doesn't know what it is though - is she thinking about it? If not, why not??? If she's thinking about it, trying to figure it out, okay, she'll find an answer. But if she's not thinking about it - what's that mean? If not, why the fuck not? Isn't -this-, our relationship, my future, her future, possibly our future important enough? Or should her not thinking about it be evidence enough of where her mind is, of the relative importance of me/her/us?

Fuck. So much uncertainty.

Waiting. Not knowing.

Loving her still.