What is it?

She continues to amaze me... she is, of course, an amazing woman..

Why can't I tell her what's in my heart? I can, actually, and I have, but maybe not in such a way that she understands exactly what I'm saying. Then again, I think that maybe she does understand what I'm saying, and because it's not what she wants, she chooses not to act on it.

Why is love so hard? Shouldn't it be easy? I love her, she loves me (I think). What's so difficult about that? Does it always have to be a triangle? I love her, she loves him? It's always felt to me, ALWAYS, as though this were meant to be. So why isn't it? Do I have to start thinking that maybe it isn't meant to be? That maybe she's where she's supposed to be and that I'm supposed to be without her? But that seems so... wrong, so not correct.

What is it? Is it the financial comfort of her life with him, the financial ease they'll have over the next 30 years? Isn't love supposed to be able to conquer all? If she's well off but unhappy, is that better than not so well off but happy with what we could have together? Or is that just a fairy tale too? Am I just a diversion for her, something to keep her interested for the time being? I can't, won't believe that, because no one could fake this, the feelings that I get from her are too strong, too real.

Why is this so hard? Really, shouldn't love conquer all? And if it's not, then does that mean that it's not really love? Is it so one sided? Is it only me that's really in love? What does he have that holds her so strongly? What do I lack? What is it that keeps her there, with someone she loves but isn't in love with instead of being with someone she -is- in love with? (Although to be honest, she's said she loves me, but hasn't said that she's -in love- with me). Maybe it's all a figment of my imagination.

I know what I feel and it's real, it's true, it's strong. I know what I think she feels. Yet, if she really feels what I think she feels then, why are we here and not together?

Almost everytime we have a block of time where we can just -talk-, where we don't have anything that needs to be discussed, or there aren't outside pressures weighing down on one of us our conversations just ebb and flow so naturally, so easily. I suspect I'm more affected by it (at least, I can't speak for her in this case), but even if we're not ?working on? being close, that is, even if it's just a conversation about anything, not us or emotions or whatever, as the conversation gets more and more at ease, I feel its effect on me. She melts my heart. The ease with which we talk, the laughter I hear in her, the animation in her voice, the way she makes me feel - all of these things capture me to her. When we have time to share, just the two of us, nothing exists for me outside of her voice and the her that I have in my mind.

She told me that she and bf are making a trip over the 4th of July weekend. Her company has a condo in that city and they make one or two trips a year there. We talked about things to do there and since I used to work there I suggested some things to try, museums, etc. It occured to me that they might want to visit a swing club there. So that got me thinking again about her recent visit to a club. I want to know all there is, I want her to share the details with me, want her to -want- to share the details with me. It still hurts me, probably always will hurt me that she and I can't do those things together, but nevertheless, because we are so similar in what we want and want to do and enjoy and because of the closeness and intimacy that we do and have shared, I want to be able to share these experiences of hers as well. So along with a list of cultural attractions she might be interested in seeing, I'm going to include a few erotic attractions she might be interested in taking him to.

As much as I wish it was me she was taking, me she was playing with, I want her to enjoy her sexuality. She needs to. It's such a powerful part of her. The more I think about how I've done her a disservice by not encouraging her to take him before, the more I feel I've been less of a true friend to her. I've let my ?jealousy?, my hurt at not being the one she would go with get in the way of my being a true friend to her, get in the way of me helping her to explore her erotic desires.

And that's not really being a friend at all, is it?