Thursday, 6/8

Thursday, barely a week since I thought i'd ruined everything, lost everything that was good in my life.

Yesterday afternoon another good talk. It was light and fun - one of those that we both recognize as a great talk - not heavy with talk of "us", just great conversation between two friends.

As was our (much too short. In my opinion) talk this morning. She was in early, called, and we talked about the book, which she finished last night. I like hearing her talk analytically. She's so intelligent and has such a ?grasp? of things, an almost instant, intuitive understanding of the whole of whatever we're talking about. It bothers me that she downplays or underestimates herself at times. When she's talking and not being ?self-conscious? about it she just shines! She often makes me feel inferior by the speed at which she can grasp a subject, or intuit the core concept or meaning of something. She makes me proud of her time and time again. I can only imagine how proud it would make me feel to have her as my partner, to be able to show the world what a magnificent woman she is. (Not that she in any way needs -me- for others to see her as she is.)

Yet another reason I love her.

1045am
It's barely 2 hours since we've spoken and yet I already feel... What? What is it that I feel? A little bit alone, a little bit like 'how can she go 2 hours without talking, without wanting to talk?'. My mind starts to spin - she used to want to be in constant touch, why not now? Is it because I'm less and bf is more? Is it because of the shit I've done, that I've just made myself less important to her, that she just doesn't want or need the me that she sees me to be now as much as she wanted the me that she saw before? Is it just that she's busy? (I know that she is).

Yet while I begin to feel a little frantic I still feel the warmth and the closeness of this morning and last night and it comforts me, when I force myself away from the worry. I don't even know for sure that she would think "warmth and closeness" about this morning - that may just be me. Afterall, it's no secret that I seem to be much more ?involved/taken? than she. I do believe this morning was good to her, but don't know that 'warm and close' would necessarily be her description.

1220pm
We just talked and I think I just spoiled her mood. When she wants to go I always want to keep her on. I was feeling that things were a little different that yesterday (a little more closed off perhaps) and I asked her about it, which I immediately knew was the wrong thing to do. She said "..my mood just changed.. Fuck.. Ok, i'm gonna go" click. Will I ever learn to just let things go on as they will without having to question every moment, every comment? Which won't keep me from wondering did she mean 'just changed' as in 'simply changed' or as in 'just this minute changed'?

So instead of leaving her going away from a conversation feeling okay, she's frustrated with me. Again. Fuck.

250pm
You know what's really weird? What do people do, what's their day like when they don't have someone like B in their life? I can't even remember what my days were like before her. I can only guess that they were boring or empty even. What do you do if you don't have something like her to look forward to, a conversation with her just minutes away, a reason to make it through the next hour or so? I wonder what it'd be like if we were in a physical relationship, where I knew that she'd be with me throughout the evening and sleeping next to me all night and there to wake up to in the morning. Would I still be chomping at the bit awaiting the next contact with her? I think i'd be just as longing of it although I would also guess that I'd have much more calm about the in between periods. There'd be a completely different level of confidence and security in me about our relationship knowing that she'd be there every night. It's hard to imagine what that feeling would be like, to just -know- that she'll be there, waiting for me, wanting me to be there for her as well. I wonder if that's what bf feels now, or does he take her for granted, not realize the magnitude of the gift she gives him every day?

I know that I expend too much energy ?worrying?concerned? about whether or not she'll be there the next time we get a chance to talk, whether she'll be there, with "us" when we have time together, wondering if she thinks about me or this or us when she's not in contact.

This image flashed through my head and made me smile. I pictured laying in bed, on my side, the morning sun, not yet too bright and muted somewhat by shades or curtains, starting to light the room. I'm laying watching her sleep. She's curled some, knees pulled up slightly, arms together, hands under her chin. Her hair mostly pulled back but some loose strands around her face. I can see her chest moving slightly as she breathes. She looks so peaceful and so beautiful. She starts to stir, her eyes opening slowly. As she blinks awake she sees me. She smiles, her eyes and her smile warm and inviting. She closes her eyes, still smiling, reaches a hand out to touch mine and softly says "hi".

This is my dream.

530pm
We ended the day with a good talk. Good for the most part. I still hear traces of hurt in her (even though she wouldn't call it hurt), maybe more accurately, places where she's pulled back, stays pulled back because of the way I hurt her.

I reach out my hand to her and it's as though I can see her looking warily at it, avoiding it, not letting it get too close to her.

My fault, my shame and now my pain. And hers.