He tried but he couldn't do it

So all the fears I had about how she was feeling yesterday were completely unfounded. If anything, it shows (reinforces?) to me that I really focus on my feelings first.

She'd told me early in the day that there was some kinda "fire" going on that she had to deal with. Then later there was an email that her and her partners were trying to get sent. She didn't specifically say how large an issue it was that she was dealing with, so maybe I can't be completely faulted for not knowing. As it turns out it was (and still is) a huge deal, something that can really affect her company. Anyway, instead of putting together the facts I knew and the feeling I should have been able to get from hearing her talk about it at lunch and just the ?tone? of her voice and realizing that there was something serious happening, I took the usual me-centric route of wondering if I'd done something to put her off or if she was pulling back for some reason.

We talked late last night, started and finished later than usual. She was very stressed about not only the "fire" but that because of that she hadn't been able to get other things accomplished. I tried so hard to help, offering suggestions about what to do, perhaps stay and work another hour or so, even though bf would be...not upset, but not understanding.. and it'd cause some additional stress at home. I tried to convince her that if she called and talked to him that he'd understand (wouldn't he?). She wouldn't stay and work.

She says she always hears what I say, suggestions i give her. She does, i'm sure of it, but she almost never takes them, even the ones she says are good or right. If anything she uses them as starting points for creating her own courses of action. We've actually talked about this and she's said she hears it all but just can't take the advice, that she has to follow her own ideas. That bothers me some because she says I always (or often, anyway) give her ideas she hadn't thought of, or help her see other view points, but even though I think what I tell her comes from knowing her so well, she won't take anything from me.

Argh. and there i go again, focusing on me.

Anyway, I really, really didn't want her to take the issue home with her, as I knew she would. I tried to make suggestions on what to do, maybe take bf out, run, read, something. I tried to get her to take the papers and printed emails from the issue, look at them, then physically set them aside on her desk before leaving, and tell her self that she was NOT taking them home, they'd be right there for her to deal with when she came in in the morning, and therefore she wouldn't have to think about the issue at night and could get some sleep. I hoped this would tell her subconscious mind that it was okay to not worry/think about it all night and therefore she would be able to get some sleep. I don't know if she did it or not. Probably not. After our quick (2 minute!) talk this morning, I know she didn't get -any- sleep. Again. That's two nights in a row with NO sleep.

For all I was able to help I might as well have suggested sacrificing a goat.

And still i sit here, a mixed bag of feelings.

We only talked for 2 minutes this morning. We probably won't talk again till lunch, if then. I'm bothered for two reasons. First, it was only two minutes. I was getting outta the shower and asked if she'd call back in 5 minutes so i could dry off and we could talk a little. She said this was all the time she had. So while that comment bothered me i knew that behind it it meant that she was already feeling overwhelmed. Second, knowing what she left at the office yesterday, knowing that she didn't sleep, and knowing that she already feels the pressure, she won't allow herself even a little respite to call just to chat and unwind a little. She'll stay buried in the midst of it, not allowing herself the slightest respite, because if she does she'll think she's slacking off and not attending to business. Almost like she's punishing herself. How do I convince her that taking 15 minutes away from all the shit every couple of hours is ultimately more productive than forcing yourself to stay (or -try- to stay) hell bent on getting it done no matter the cost or how long it takes?

Fuck, even if I had the perfect words that would convince her to see it my way, I can't reach her. How's that for ironic?

As shitty as I (make myself) feel when I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm not to her what I wish I was, I feel worse now because I know what she's feeling, I know how much pressure she's putting on herself. I know how much she'll punish herself for not getting done what she thinks she should get done in a certain timeframe.

And I, the one who knows her better than anyone else, can't help her. Not the slightest bit.

And bf, even though he gets the gift of being in her life everyday, has no idea of what goes on inside her, of the pressures she feels.

FUCK.