Another weekend passed...

A long weekend, but a great Friday. We had a long, deep talk. Close, warm, reassuring.

We'd finished our book and talked about it. We both wanted to see a new movie this weekend so we could discuss it. I'd hoped to at least be able to be in the theatre at the same time as she, but couldn't arrange it. But I did get to see it and just doing the same thing I knew she'd done, knowing the shared experience, was cool, made me feel connected.

It's SO comforting to know that she's there, to know that she thinks about me occasionally over a weekend when we can't connect, to know that this relationship is important to her.

There's still a lot of uncertainty. Will she ever meet me? Don't know - the chance of it seems less likely than ever. Will she ever leave him? Don't know. I think I'm less of a factor in that possibility than ever, but I don't know that she's any more happy/satisfied there now than she was before. Will she continue to go (and to take bf) to the swing club? Probably. No, I think the answer would have to be yes. It'll always hurt me to know she's fucking him and that she's taking him to the club, not because of what she's doing - but because she's doing it with him. To be honest, if she wasn't with him but dating someone else, I'd feel the same way. It's more accurate to say it hurts me because she's doing things -we- want to do, with each other, but doing them with someone else. It's hard to explain clearly, because I do, really do, want her to be able to explore her sexuality and all that entails.

Weekends are always difficult. Friday is a day when we usually connect and usually get a good chunk of time to spend together. Before we lost the phones, Fridays were almost a "warm up" to Saturdays. Now they're our parting before the weekend. The feelings I take away from our Friday afternoon talks suffuse me and keep me ?happy? through Saturday, at least. There's a fading feeling as the hours pass, but I think I contribute to it because I'm so expectant that she'll call or IM me, any time now. I have no real reason to think so, even though she has done so before. But I keep -expecting- to hear from her real soon now. Add to that the new ?anxiety? I have about whether she's going to the swing club on Saturday and you get an idea. Then, Sundays are a little different, there's a little additional expectation, because she used to often call me for a quick hello on Sunday evenings, and I keep hoping for that call.

I have this fantasy that comes to me occasionally. I fantasize that I get a call from her late at night or in the wee morning hours. She's very somber, very serious. The exact conversation varies but boils down to her saying "I left him. Will you come see me? Now?" I immediately gather up what I need and I'm out the door, in the car and on my way to her within 15 minutes of us hanging up. In this fantasy, when I get to her, our meeting is somber, subdued (she has, after all, just left her SO of several years). She and I have often talked about what our first meeting would be like, but it's always been more of a meeting in a hotel to fuck for the first time. That meeting would be excitingly tense, supercharged with erotic overtones, the air charged with expectation until we finally get behind closed doors and touch, at long last.

There's two components of our relationship that, to me, define it and make it so special, so ?beyond? what most other relationships are - the intimacy and the eros. We share an incredible erotic intimacy. We have learned so much about sex, sexuality, ourselves and our own tastes by sharing with each other. Our erotic intimacy is unparalleled, in my experience. It's a very precious and private thing we share. It's not so difficult to imagine sharing some of the -acts- we talk about with other partners, but sharing that erotic intimacy with anyone else is out of the question. The other part, the personal intimacy, is just as unique and just as rare but even more special. It ?transcends? somehow the erotic intimacy. It's different than the erotic, but in a way it includes it, surrounds it, and surpasses it. Where the erotic intimacy is something we share between us with our minds and our bodies, the personal intimacy is the sharing of the self. At the risk of sounding cliche', it's like sharing your all of your heart, your soul even. It's the touching of the force that makes you a person, sharing that with someone else.

We both feel it, we both acknowledge it, we both want it. Yet... Things are not always so cut and dried. What seems obvious isn't always easy.

I can't wait to talk to her again.