I don't deserve it.. and yet..

she talks to me...

How can this possibly be?

She actually talks to me, initiated contact with me this morning. How can she be so much -more- so much ?bigger? than me? If our situations had been reversed, could I have been so?

She amazes me.

And yet, all is not just glossed over. She said she won't be as "distracted" as she's been, with reference to bf and her relationship with him. She said she's fighting reconnecting with me, gets mad at herself for letting her guard down with me. She's keeping me more out, letting bf have more of her. Since she's told me repeatedly that she's staying where she is, at least for now, as her friend I should know that him getting more of her, her being less distracted are "good" things for her life. At some level I do know that. Yet, I still feel the loss of her attention, her affection, her closeness, her desire to be close and intimate with me. He has some idea of what he has in her - but I don't think he has any idea, really, of the depth and warmth and complexity of who she really is. I don't have a complete picture either, but I still feel that I know her so much better. I hope she doesn't close me out of the warmth that is her.

g-d, i don't know what to do. I want to give her my life, my heart, my love, all that i have, all that i am, but i know she doesn't want it.

I've failed her so miserably as a friend yet she can still talk to me.

She told me, with no malice at all, about her trip to the club. It pained me to my soul to hear it and yet, I know it was, in the larger picture, a good thing for her to go. She said she'll probably go again. My heart dies upon hearing this, yet I know for her it's ... good, it's right for her to do so. Looking back, I realize that I should have encouraged her to go a long time ago. She wanted it and I knew it. I didn't want her to go because it wouldn't have been with me, it would have been with bf. But she wanted to go and I knew it - as her friend, especially as a friend who knew her erotic side, -shouldn't- I have encouraged her to go? As her friend, a friend with similar (nearly identical?) erotic appetites, I want to hear of her activities, share them with her, examine and relive them with her, I want to hear in her voice the excitement, the arousal, the enjoyment she had. I would enjoy just hearing of her enjoyment. Yet I must admit that it hurts me, the me that so wants to be her lover, to hear it. I think she wants to tell me more, tell me all about it, her thoughts, what she did, what they did, what it was like, because we are friends who share such erotic thoughts. But with her ?desire? to be more guarded, more closed off to me, these things become too private for her to share, too personal. Perhaps, to some small degree, to share them with me would even be a little ?sad? because those adventures are things that we'd wanted to do together.

I look at myself now, naked, preparing for bed. Sunday night I took a bath to relax. As I lay there immersed in the hot water, and my own despair, my thoughts turned to her again. I thought of her swinging, of her with him and others, of the many hours of sex talk we've shared, of the many things we'd wanted to do together. I wanted her so, became incredibly aroused, wanted to masturbate to my thoughts of her but my body wouldn't respond. I lay there looking at my cock and balls, disappointed, when it occurred to me what I would do. So, I shaved my cock and balls - because it was something she said she liked and would have wanted had we ever been together. No hesitation, no "plan". I just did it - because she wanted it (would have wanted it). Do I tell her? Probably not, because I'm not sure that the sexual/sensual side of me is something she cares to see anymore. But, no hesitation, no debate... it was just the right thing to do.

Now, of course, I see that my mind and body were conspiring to insure that I had plenty 0f things to remember. I'll remember that it's how she would have wanted me - and that I'll never be that for her. I'll know that it's probably how she has bf; that she saw, had, new and strange cock over the weekend, cock that if it wasn't shaved, she wished was, but played nonetheless. I'm not that to her now, may never be again. I think I did it to punish myself because I love the way it feels, I know she would like it, I can imagine how different, how amazing her mouth would feel on me. Everytime I feel the smoothness of my balls it reminds me of what I've lost, of how I betrayed her, of the erotic delights that she and I will never share now.

But she talks to me.

I'm relieved, I'm more fortunate than I have any right to be.

And still I love her.

Do. Will.

Always.