Friday, 6/17

So much happens in such a short time...

Something happened between us and for once I wasn't the direct cause of it, although the distinction might be pretty small. Because of this incident, B wanted to hurt me, desperately wanted to hurt me.

She succeeded. More than I thought would even be possible. She took bf and fucked him in one of our fantasies. One of our fantasies, to a "T". Everything about it was as we'd always thought it'd be between B and I - the location, some specifics, people watching, everything. Her role in initiating it, his role (what would have, should have been my role), her enjoyment of it... everything.

I've hurt before, I've hurt her before and she's hurt me before. I once asked her if she thought about me during sex with bf and she was a little taken aback, said that was unfair and did i think about her during sex with e? That struck me and i knew what she meant (even though yes, i often think about her during sex with e, so much so that i -still- have to be careful to not say B's name by mistake). There've been other instances where i've contemplated hurts and been able to empathize and feel the pain.

But nothing like this. This hurt deeply. Very deeply. As much as I've been able to look at and think about her in other sexual situations with bf or at the swing club or whatever, I still can't look at what she did straight on or for long or in depth. It hurts so much. I'm confused though, because I know she liked it, enjoyed it, I know it's been a fantasy of hers, so I'm happy for her that she was able to make a fantasy come true. But why that one? That one seemed so uniquely -ours-, so personal, so private between us... It really wasn't, in that she'd had it before us, but we'd talked about it so often, shared it, wanted it, included it in our sex talks that it seemed like -ours-.

The thought keeps coming to me "how could she?" But I know how she could - what I did made her so much want to hurt me. And I completely understand that.

That understanding doesn't make it hurt less though. Not one little bit less. But I don't blame her. I can't. Had I been ?more sensitive? it wouldn't have happened. Even though she says I did nothing wrong, nothing devious, nothing deceitful, had I been more sensitive this wouldn't have happened. So to some extent it's my fault. Whatever the case, I hold no ill will toward her - I might have done the same thing.

But g-d, why -that- fantasy? Why that one? That one really hurt - to the core of me.

She called this morning and said she was sorry, that she shouldn't have hurt me like that, shouldn't have even tried to hurt me like that and that she was really sorry. I said to her "please B, let's promise to never do anything like that again." Thing is, I'm not sure how she was saying it to me. My first instinct was that it was one intimate saying it to another intimate in deep regret for having hurt the other. But was it? We'd had a "date" (a phone date with the possibility of sex specifically included) scheduled for this afternoon and she wasn't sure if that'd happen now. So then i had to wonder was she sorry as intimate to intimate? Or was she apologizing as one person to another for a regrettable act? I don't want to believe that, not at all. I want to, NEED to believe that she's still there with me, still wants me... but can I?

B, where are you?

She knows when she pulls back, talks for a short while then goes away, especially after something like this, that it leaves me perplexed, unsure, afraid that she's pulling away more and more.

I believe we'll talk again today. But what if it's only for 5 minutes? What if she says she didn't want to go away for the weekend without saying goodbye, have a good weekend and we'll talk on monday? How do you make it through another weekend not knowing if the one you love is even thinking of you?

Fuck.

1230pm
And now she doesn't want to have our date. And thinks I'm looking forward to a weekend of sex with e.

Fucking wonderful.

And all i can think is "But g-d, why -that- fantasy? Why that one? That one really hurt."