A tough Monday night for me and thoughts of B

As far as Monday nights go, that was a toughie....

Nothing related to B really, although she was never far from my thoughts, but that's no news. Dealing with the ex and financial aspects was very hard. I thought I had the money plan worked out, but maybe not. A property hasn't sold yet that I thought was nearly closed so not having that chunk of cash has kinda impacted the plan. Kinda like a meteor on your house might interfere with lunch.

But I moved money around (mostly that means giving it to the ex) and think I can forestall the arrest warrant for another few weeks ;-). Ever watched a train or plane coming straight at ya? It kinda slowly grows and grows until WOW it's right on top of ya. Same with the financial abyss. It's seemed like it was waaaay over there, off in the distance, with lots of ways around it. Then just a blink and OH SHIT I'm standing right at the edge, my toes hanging over. Kinda scary.

But who wants to talk about that when I could talk about B instead?

B. We had a great day yesterday. She's not feeling well and that pains me, but we had great talks nonetheless. She let me tell her things in ways that I would normally hold back from because they would be too ?intense?serious?close? for her, but she didn't stop me. They only came out that way -because- she almost encouraged me to.

She's going to a thing tonight. It's no big deal, in the "thing" scheme of things, but I can read into it of course. What I see happening in her life is that she's "coming back", "waking up" again to living life. It's good to see - it's been a long time since she's lived much. When we talked about her thing tonight, what she was going to wear, there was a ?quality? in her voice that I haven't heard for awhile - it was (kinda) a pride or excitement about what she was going to look like. She -always- takes pride in her appearance, but this was different, this was a sense that she was going to dress as a beautiful, sexy woman and she knew it and it was going to make her happy to do so, was -already- making her happy just to know that she was going to do it.

As I think about little tidbits of conversation that have come up recently, I can see more and more examples of her waking up, little things in her life that are evidence that she's living again. I'm glad; relieved. Yet I also sense that it means that her and bf are 'waking up' again. And while that saddens me because it lessens the chance of me being part of her life, it much more so makes me happy for her. She's young and beautiful and sexy and loving - she deserves to have the life she wants. If only I was fifteen years younger, maybe I'd have a chance. Well, and I'd have to have met her before she met him. Hey, I can dream, no?

Stepping back again, I can really see more signs of her awakening. This thing tonight and the pride/excitement of being a woman there. Their trip coming up soon. Then another event soon after that that she and bf will go to, another event where she'll dress to please herself (and him) and go to enjoy. There haven't been three things she's been excited about in the last six months and now there's three in the next four weeks. Good for you B! I'm glad you're back to enjoying life.

Okay, four things, if we count that she's been awakening to sex again and her desire to explore her sexuality and actually doing so by visiting the swing club with bf. (I still don't know - did you go this past weekend B? Will you go this coming weekend? Or the next? I want to know; and I don't. But really I do.)

She's alive again. I wonder if he can see it in her, in the things she's doing? Can he hear it in her voice? I can. And it's music. I wonder if the people in her office have noticed anything different with her? Can they tell too? I'd like to think that I'm special, that because I know her so well that I can tell it in her voice, that maybe I see (or she shows me) things that no one else sees. But all I have is her voice - I have to think that having the rest of her it would be even more obvious. Anyone with as much life in them as she has - her spirit must just shine so visibly. What a gift to be part of her everyday world. I wish I was. Those in it, especially bf, have no idea how lucky they are.

I hate him for not knowing how lucky he is. And for having her in his life.

I envy him so much for being the one she's chosen to be with.

I really do hate him. Not so much in an evil way - just jealousy, just because he has what I want so much.