How much lower can it go?

I'm really losing it today. Everything is just piling up, crashing down on me.

I feel so lost, rejected, second place, alone.

So undesireable. We've talked about sex, about having sex again, since last week. This week we should have had time, almost did. Not once did she initiate it, want it, never once expressed a desire for it, for me, for us.

Not that she doesn't feel it, because i think she does. But nothing stresses her like work and when she's work stressed like that, only bf can get through to her. I can't. Hours and hours where he can call. I'm sure she treats it as a (minor) interruption, but he can reach out and touch her. I can't. Can't call, can't IM, can't email.

I can't convince her to be with me or to be lovers. I can't tell her how I envision it or how it would change us because she sees it as "convincing". But if we never talk about what could be, she'll never "see" it in her head, never think about it and therefore never think about changing her life.

I told her, once when I was really feeling hopeless, that the situation was so unfair because there was NOTHING I could do to win her, but all he had to do was not lose her.

"The Terminal"

I watched "The Terminal" with Tom Hanks and Catherine Zeta-Jones last night. I'd been told it wasn't so great - another example of why I shouldn't listen to other peoples' opinions on whether or not to see a movie.

I thought it was very good. There were several good points about the movie. Stanley Tucci as the Customs bigwig was excellent. The cast of little people was great. The whole reason Viktor (Tom Hanks) was in NYC was to fulfill a promise to his dead father - it was a very poignant moment when he reveals it to Amelia (Zeta-Jones).

But that wasn't what affected me about the movie. Amelia, a flight attendant, is 39 and in a long term affair with a married man who keeps promising her he's leaving his wife. She's waiting. And waiting. She's staying in a relationship that isn't what she wants. She knows it, yet she stays.

Naturally, she and Viktor become friends. Romantic interest develops. During the times she and Viktor talk, her beeper goes off a couple of times and when it does, it's -him- and she has to go. During an important scene, she tells him about the bad relationship and he tells her about the promise to his father. He says "We all wait." She says "And what are you waiting for Viktor?"

He looks at her. He says "You. I wait for you."

I lost it.


The analogies are, to me, striking. B is Amelia - in a relationship that she doesn't really get from what she wants. Her beeper is bf - it intrudes on our time together and when it beeps, she has to go. I am Viktor, stuck in the terminal. Not stuck really, because he could leave if he wanted to. In a way the terminal is my love, my relationship with B. I'm not stuck - I stay because I want to. No, that's not quite right either. Viktor stayed in the terminal because for him there was no other course of action he could possibly take but to fulfill his promise to his father. For me, I stay because loving B and the possibility of having her in my life.. there is no other possible course of action I could take. The one person who's ever read this and left a comment (thank you Green!) said "Just keep the faith. You can't help who you want/love." It's not even a matter of faith really - there just is no other possible course my life can take now. My life, my future is to be with B. If that's where she wants her life, then we'll get there. Otherwise, at some point I'll have to accept that she doesn't want me and do something else.

There's a scene where Amelia and Viktor are having a private, romantic candlelit dinner. It's a close and obviously romantic and intimate moment. Then her beeper goes off - it's him. Viktor knows the beeper is him. Her immediate response is that she has to go. The moment is obviously dampened. I wish the next part of the scene would happen in real life - Amelia starts to leave. Viktor talks to her. She comes back and throws the beeper away.

Not long after that is when Viktor says "You. I wait for you". That's me. I wait for B. But as long as she has that beeper....


The saddest part I don't even want to mention because I'm afraid it's how my life will turn out.

Viktor doesn't get the girl. She stays with the other guy.

He leaves, alone.

Fuck.

Thursday/Friday

Today - Thursday. It's Friday in the world I share with B, because she's not in the office tomorrow, a day when we'd usually have extra time to talk. Not only that but it's a holiday weekend so she won't be around on Monday. Bad enough it's four days without her; let's not even think about her going away for the weekend with bf.

I've come to really dislike weekends. And really, really dislike three day weekends. And fucking hate four day weekends. Let's not even think about her going away for the weekend with bf.

Yet, I do hope she has a good time. She needs and deserves some relax time. And he is, after all, her s.o..

Crap. This is already throwing me.... i should start over...

I'm hopeless

What a nice day we had yesterday - I truly mean that. She thought I was disappointed because I couldn't get her into the mood for sex (I tried twice) but "disappointment" isn't really right. Yeah, I woulda liked it, as I'm sure she would have too, but "disappointed" is too strong. We still got to spend hours together - perhaps three or so over the day. By all accounts, a great day.

In other news, I'm so hopeless. We've been working on a technical issue over the phone. It's kinda hard to do over the phone, her being my eyes and hands and me trying to be the brains. She gets frustrated sometimes, although I'm not sure if it's because I don't fix it quick enough or just that it's taking her away from other things she wants/needs to be doing. So I got this idea in my head. Not a new idea, it's a ?bad? idea i've had many times before, just updated to be more current. I suggested to her that I could be there tomorrow to do the tech stuff myself, that we could have the day together, albeit in the office. Then, we might have a couple hours tomorrow night or, even though the office is closed friday if she could "go into the office" for a couple hours, we could spend more time together. Not necessarily fucking, but together, at the very least. I knew she wouldn't go for it. But I had to bring it up anyway. I knew the answer was going to be no, knew it, yet i'm still broken hearted. as if for some reason i thought this time she might say yes.

I hope someday she says yes.

I want her so much.

A monday to remember

What can I say about a day spent with her? It was good, it was great. We talked about nothing, we talked about life, we talked about relationships, we talked about our relationship. We laughed. We were serious.

We were close. We were the very thing, the very way that makes what we are to each other so special.

Saying "I love her so much" doesn't begin to describe it.

Yardwork and domestic bliss

I've always hated yardwork. Always. I'm sure it all stemmed from being enslaved to the lawnmower as a 10 year old by the wicked bitch of the west.

B loves it. As long as i've known her, she's enjoyed working in the yard. I always thought she ws crazy in that regard.

But then something happened on Friday. Something that makes me wonder if i'm maturing (hehe, not fucking likely) or just seeing things in a new light.

I have an investment property here that I was getting ready for a weekend open house. It was late afternoon and hot. I'd finished cutting the side yard and was most of the way through the back. I was soaked, sweating like crazy. Hot. Grass sticking to my legs. My t-shirt plastered to me, the top of my shorts dark with sweat. The noise of the electric mower was all i could hear really. It wasn't so loud, but I guess i was pretty focused on what i was doing.

I was lost in my own thoughts. Actually, I remember thinking about B and how she loved doing this stuff, and how i'd told her she was crazy. And then it hit me. I was enjoying it too. Not that it was ?fun? but it did seem somehow... therapeutic? The heat, the sweat, the work, being able to see an immediate improvement, being able to see the results of the work right away - I liked it.

I began to think about working on -our- yard... with B. What that would be like. What it would feel like to look up and see her working thirty feet away, planting flowers or bushes or doing whatever. Her also sweaty and hot, hands dirty. Yet beautiful. Working on making her home (our home - wow..those are powerful words) more beautfiul.

I'm not one for domesticity - at least i wouldn't describe myself as domestic. but those scenes in my head, the feelings i had while visualizing them... i was filled with the ?completeness? of the vision. Me and B, at our house. In our life.

It felt SO right, SO natural. Even though at the edge of consciousness i knew it was a daydream, it was real. it felt... fulfilling somehow. it felt like i was home, where i should be. i fastforwarded through the rest of what our day together would have been like. Finish the work. Stand on the deck together enjoying a cold drink of water, looking at what we'd accomplished. My arm around her. I could feel the heat of her exertion, the coolness of her drying sweat, feel dirt on her arm and back. I could smell her distinctive smell, overtaken by the earthy smells of dirt and sweat, but still there, still her, still sweet. I could feel, as i stood there next to her, as we surveyed what we'd accomplished, i could feel my heart swell with love and happiness for her, for us, at our life together. I saw us showering together, touching playfully. I pictured us relaxing after the shower, making love and then going out to dinner.

It was so real. So right. So possible.

So out of reach.

I want that. I want her.

A sunday evening

She called today. She'd hate to hear me say it, but it made my day. -SHE- made my day, like she does every day.

We talked about... nothing, really. How our weekends had been. Her yardwork. Shopping for bikinis. Skimpy bikinis. It's funny, I could hear in her voice how she enjoyed it. Something that will make her feel good because she'll look good. Skimpy. I'll never get to see them. But he will.

He will.

Regardless, the smile she brought to my face has been with me all night. I kinda feel a renewed resolve to get moving, get going, take the necessary steps to gain some kind of financial security.

But somethings' on my mind; been on my mind all day since she called but just in the last couple of hours coalesced into a coherent thought. I'm sure this train of thought will only hurt in the long run - there's really no other way for it to turn out.

I want to ask her to marry me. To be my wife.

Why do I do this to myself? She won't be my lover, she won't even meet me. She won't even tell me her name. Why would I ever think she'd be the least bit interested in being my wife? What the fuck is wrong with me?

But the thing is, it's right. I know it. It's the right thing for my life and honestly, I think for her too. I feel it.

Plans are what you make. Life is what you get.

I won't get to have her, to be part of her life, to share in her joys, to make a lifetime of memories with her. He does.

Geezus, I am some piece of work. What the fuck is wrong with me?

It sounds so stupid - the impossible fantasy of a middle aged man (fool) in love with a young, beautiful, sexy woman. But it's no "trophy wife" thing - i love her for who she is. She challenges me all the time - to be smarter, to be better.

I know she'll be my friend for a long time. I'll share as much of her life as she'll let me. I'll be happy for her when she marries, gets pregnant, has a baby, all the life events that make a life full. I will be happy for her and it'll be a sincere happiness. But i'll still carry a torch for her, always wish that it was me she could love instead of him.

So he may have her as a wife, and lover, and mother and companion... but there'll always be a piece of her that she gives only to me.

And that will be something i'll always treasure.

dammit. dammit. dammit.

After a good talk yesterday, a great evening (yes, without B, but she was with me in my head). Knowing that today was friday i was excited about the prospect of having a couple of hours with her in the afternoon, as we usually do on friday afternoons.

today she has to leave early.

F U C K.

I wanna knock bf upside the head and make sure he understands how fucking lucky he is to have her in his life all the time.

Being the other man is hard. I'd much rather be her main man.

Coming down to the financial wire

Numbers don't lie. B has been telling me for some time to get a grip on working to secure my future. I've kinda done it but maybe not seriously. Well, definitely not seriously. Last night and this morning I did it - seriously.

Oh shit.

I have about 5 weeks to ground zero - $0.00.

I think this qualifies as "not a good thing".

Time to get my ass in gear.

Sensitive guy or not?

I'm at the point of a personal crises. I have to change my life - move from this city, change the relationship I have here, get a job for the time being until I can better finance the endeavor I hope will be my work for the rest of my working life.

It's been kind of a hard decision to come to. As B pointed out, I thought I'd already given up working for someone and now I have to go back to it. Also, I've been in this place since before my divorce. This city, this apartment, this relationship. It's time to move on.

B has been a great help with my coming to understand this, as she is a help with seemingly everything else in my life. Yesterday afternoon she asked if I'd be available later to talk, about nothing in specific, just to talk.

This struck me as funny at first, because there's nothing I'd rather do than spend hours with her talking, as she well knows. But then I realized there was something specific in her request. We'd had a good afternoon of easy chitchat. The pressures from the issue at her office had been dealt with and she was noticibly more relaxed.

What come to mind was that she wanted to be intimate, close, even to have sex.

When the time came, the conversation started. We talked, the subject moved and changed and then we began talking about me leaving here. Then about how this relationship here (with e) would end. And then about how the times of intimacy (especially sex) between us have been less and less for a long time.

Here's where I'm beginning to doubt myself. I know her very well, I know that. I still believe I know her better than anyone else ever has. Yet, I've read her wrong, apparently. Very wrong perhaps. I've been ?cautious?hesitant? to initiate sex talk for the last 6-8 months because of the turmoil in her life at home with bf. I knew that she was suffering her own toubles and problems there. And that had affected -us-, come between us some, made her pull back from our intimacy and made her less interested in our sex. So i've been holding back on initating sex or sex talk. I thought I was being sensitive to her needs/wants, being aware of her feelings and acting as I should, acting as someone who's deeply concerned for her would do. Putting my own desires for sex and sexual intimacy with her aside and being more focused on her wants.

But that's not how she sees it. She held out our lesser amount of sex and sexual talk and intimacy as ?proof? that we're not as close as we were before! How could she think that?!?! All the time I think i'm being "sensitive guy" and not pushing her, doing whatever i could to make sure i don't push sex on her, don't make her uncomfortable with unwanted sexuality, and she's seeing it as though we're not being that close anymore???

So where else in our relationship have i so royally screwed up?

He tried but he couldn't do it

So all the fears I had about how she was feeling yesterday were completely unfounded. If anything, it shows (reinforces?) to me that I really focus on my feelings first.

She'd told me early in the day that there was some kinda "fire" going on that she had to deal with. Then later there was an email that her and her partners were trying to get sent. She didn't specifically say how large an issue it was that she was dealing with, so maybe I can't be completely faulted for not knowing. As it turns out it was (and still is) a huge deal, something that can really affect her company. Anyway, instead of putting together the facts I knew and the feeling I should have been able to get from hearing her talk about it at lunch and just the ?tone? of her voice and realizing that there was something serious happening, I took the usual me-centric route of wondering if I'd done something to put her off or if she was pulling back for some reason.

We talked late last night, started and finished later than usual. She was very stressed about not only the "fire" but that because of that she hadn't been able to get other things accomplished. I tried so hard to help, offering suggestions about what to do, perhaps stay and work another hour or so, even though bf would be...not upset, but not understanding.. and it'd cause some additional stress at home. I tried to convince her that if she called and talked to him that he'd understand (wouldn't he?). She wouldn't stay and work.

She says she always hears what I say, suggestions i give her. She does, i'm sure of it, but she almost never takes them, even the ones she says are good or right. If anything she uses them as starting points for creating her own courses of action. We've actually talked about this and she's said she hears it all but just can't take the advice, that she has to follow her own ideas. That bothers me some because she says I always (or often, anyway) give her ideas she hadn't thought of, or help her see other view points, but even though I think what I tell her comes from knowing her so well, she won't take anything from me.

Argh. and there i go again, focusing on me.

Anyway, I really, really didn't want her to take the issue home with her, as I knew she would. I tried to make suggestions on what to do, maybe take bf out, run, read, something. I tried to get her to take the papers and printed emails from the issue, look at them, then physically set them aside on her desk before leaving, and tell her self that she was NOT taking them home, they'd be right there for her to deal with when she came in in the morning, and therefore she wouldn't have to think about the issue at night and could get some sleep. I hoped this would tell her subconscious mind that it was okay to not worry/think about it all night and therefore she would be able to get some sleep. I don't know if she did it or not. Probably not. After our quick (2 minute!) talk this morning, I know she didn't get -any- sleep. Again. That's two nights in a row with NO sleep.

For all I was able to help I might as well have suggested sacrificing a goat.

And still i sit here, a mixed bag of feelings.

We only talked for 2 minutes this morning. We probably won't talk again till lunch, if then. I'm bothered for two reasons. First, it was only two minutes. I was getting outta the shower and asked if she'd call back in 5 minutes so i could dry off and we could talk a little. She said this was all the time she had. So while that comment bothered me i knew that behind it it meant that she was already feeling overwhelmed. Second, knowing what she left at the office yesterday, knowing that she didn't sleep, and knowing that she already feels the pressure, she won't allow herself even a little respite to call just to chat and unwind a little. She'll stay buried in the midst of it, not allowing herself the slightest respite, because if she does she'll think she's slacking off and not attending to business. Almost like she's punishing herself. How do I convince her that taking 15 minutes away from all the shit every couple of hours is ultimately more productive than forcing yourself to stay (or -try- to stay) hell bent on getting it done no matter the cost or how long it takes?

Fuck, even if I had the perfect words that would convince her to see it my way, I can't reach her. How's that for ironic?

As shitty as I (make myself) feel when I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm not to her what I wish I was, I feel worse now because I know what she's feeling, I know how much pressure she's putting on herself. I know how much she'll punish herself for not getting done what she thinks she should get done in a certain timeframe.

And I, the one who knows her better than anyone else, can't help her. Not the slightest bit.

And bf, even though he gets the gift of being in her life everyday, has no idea of what goes on inside her, of the pressures she feels.

FUCK.

Hi again...

As it turned out we didn't have our date on friday although we did have time alone. it wasn't "not a date" because we didn't have sex, maybe more because we didn't start out close but spent the time (kinda) getting back together. whatever the definition, it was still good time spent with her.

Here's the really amazing thing: she called me late friday night! she and bf were out, had been out since early that evening partying with friends. she called from a restroom payphone - just to say hi. it was a short conversation, maybe 5-8 minutes tops.... but, she called. we didn't talk about anything heavy or earthshaking, just talked... about the movie I was watching which happened to be one of her favorites. then she had to go (which i hated, of course) but she left me smiling. pretty much for the rest of the night and the next day. about two hours later i had to get up and write her and i sent her a fairly long email. the important thing is that she called.

here's the really neat thing - she called again on sunday evening.

just like she used to when we had the phones. it may seem like such a small thing to other people, but it's not to me. and i know it doesn't portend a change and mean that she'll start calling me regularly again on the weekends, or that she'll try to call on tuesdays or saturdays like before. i know it doesn't mean anything other than she called last weekend. but it means a lot to me.

and then there was monday.

wow. monday was a good day, a really good day. she whispered things to me that i've so longed to hear, not only to hear them but to hear them as an ?affirmation? of how she feels.

monday was a really good day.

we talked about where we were emotionally, how we interact. Lovers who've been apart for a while getting back together. seems so appropos, so accurate. we were standing close, longing for each others' touch, yet there was some shyness, some discomfort even. we were tentative, almost unsure. i knew without a doubt how to touch her to please her; but i didn't know how to make the first move so she wouldn't feel ?pressured?. she was there, standing close, but shy. we kissed, tenderly. she wanted us close because she didn't back away, accepted my touch offered gently, but still she was a little shy. demure comes to mind.

we talked and we laughed. we left it at an embrace and a kiss between us. there was no rush, no need to push, no sense of having to hurry. we are lovers. we've been apart. and now we're growing closer, again.

this started almost two years ago. we've been through a lot since then.

we have the rest of our lives to be involved. i can't wait.

Friday, 6/17

So much happens in such a short time...

Something happened between us and for once I wasn't the direct cause of it, although the distinction might be pretty small. Because of this incident, B wanted to hurt me, desperately wanted to hurt me.

She succeeded. More than I thought would even be possible. She took bf and fucked him in one of our fantasies. One of our fantasies, to a "T". Everything about it was as we'd always thought it'd be between B and I - the location, some specifics, people watching, everything. Her role in initiating it, his role (what would have, should have been my role), her enjoyment of it... everything.

I've hurt before, I've hurt her before and she's hurt me before. I once asked her if she thought about me during sex with bf and she was a little taken aback, said that was unfair and did i think about her during sex with e? That struck me and i knew what she meant (even though yes, i often think about her during sex with e, so much so that i -still- have to be careful to not say B's name by mistake). There've been other instances where i've contemplated hurts and been able to empathize and feel the pain.

But nothing like this. This hurt deeply. Very deeply. As much as I've been able to look at and think about her in other sexual situations with bf or at the swing club or whatever, I still can't look at what she did straight on or for long or in depth. It hurts so much. I'm confused though, because I know she liked it, enjoyed it, I know it's been a fantasy of hers, so I'm happy for her that she was able to make a fantasy come true. But why that one? That one seemed so uniquely -ours-, so personal, so private between us... It really wasn't, in that she'd had it before us, but we'd talked about it so often, shared it, wanted it, included it in our sex talks that it seemed like -ours-.

The thought keeps coming to me "how could she?" But I know how she could - what I did made her so much want to hurt me. And I completely understand that.

That understanding doesn't make it hurt less though. Not one little bit less. But I don't blame her. I can't. Had I been ?more sensitive? it wouldn't have happened. Even though she says I did nothing wrong, nothing devious, nothing deceitful, had I been more sensitive this wouldn't have happened. So to some extent it's my fault. Whatever the case, I hold no ill will toward her - I might have done the same thing.

But g-d, why -that- fantasy? Why that one? That one really hurt - to the core of me.

She called this morning and said she was sorry, that she shouldn't have hurt me like that, shouldn't have even tried to hurt me like that and that she was really sorry. I said to her "please B, let's promise to never do anything like that again." Thing is, I'm not sure how she was saying it to me. My first instinct was that it was one intimate saying it to another intimate in deep regret for having hurt the other. But was it? We'd had a "date" (a phone date with the possibility of sex specifically included) scheduled for this afternoon and she wasn't sure if that'd happen now. So then i had to wonder was she sorry as intimate to intimate? Or was she apologizing as one person to another for a regrettable act? I don't want to believe that, not at all. I want to, NEED to believe that she's still there with me, still wants me... but can I?

B, where are you?

She knows when she pulls back, talks for a short while then goes away, especially after something like this, that it leaves me perplexed, unsure, afraid that she's pulling away more and more.

I believe we'll talk again today. But what if it's only for 5 minutes? What if she says she didn't want to go away for the weekend without saying goodbye, have a good weekend and we'll talk on monday? How do you make it through another weekend not knowing if the one you love is even thinking of you?

Fuck.

1230pm
And now she doesn't want to have our date. And thinks I'm looking forward to a weekend of sex with e.

Fucking wonderful.

And all i can think is "But g-d, why -that- fantasy? Why that one? That one really hurt."

A tough Monday night for me and thoughts of B

As far as Monday nights go, that was a toughie....

Nothing related to B really, although she was never far from my thoughts, but that's no news. Dealing with the ex and financial aspects was very hard. I thought I had the money plan worked out, but maybe not. A property hasn't sold yet that I thought was nearly closed so not having that chunk of cash has kinda impacted the plan. Kinda like a meteor on your house might interfere with lunch.

But I moved money around (mostly that means giving it to the ex) and think I can forestall the arrest warrant for another few weeks ;-). Ever watched a train or plane coming straight at ya? It kinda slowly grows and grows until WOW it's right on top of ya. Same with the financial abyss. It's seemed like it was waaaay over there, off in the distance, with lots of ways around it. Then just a blink and OH SHIT I'm standing right at the edge, my toes hanging over. Kinda scary.

But who wants to talk about that when I could talk about B instead?

B. We had a great day yesterday. She's not feeling well and that pains me, but we had great talks nonetheless. She let me tell her things in ways that I would normally hold back from because they would be too ?intense?serious?close? for her, but she didn't stop me. They only came out that way -because- she almost encouraged me to.

She's going to a thing tonight. It's no big deal, in the "thing" scheme of things, but I can read into it of course. What I see happening in her life is that she's "coming back", "waking up" again to living life. It's good to see - it's been a long time since she's lived much. When we talked about her thing tonight, what she was going to wear, there was a ?quality? in her voice that I haven't heard for awhile - it was (kinda) a pride or excitement about what she was going to look like. She -always- takes pride in her appearance, but this was different, this was a sense that she was going to dress as a beautiful, sexy woman and she knew it and it was going to make her happy to do so, was -already- making her happy just to know that she was going to do it.

As I think about little tidbits of conversation that have come up recently, I can see more and more examples of her waking up, little things in her life that are evidence that she's living again. I'm glad; relieved. Yet I also sense that it means that her and bf are 'waking up' again. And while that saddens me because it lessens the chance of me being part of her life, it much more so makes me happy for her. She's young and beautiful and sexy and loving - she deserves to have the life she wants. If only I was fifteen years younger, maybe I'd have a chance. Well, and I'd have to have met her before she met him. Hey, I can dream, no?

Stepping back again, I can really see more signs of her awakening. This thing tonight and the pride/excitement of being a woman there. Their trip coming up soon. Then another event soon after that that she and bf will go to, another event where she'll dress to please herself (and him) and go to enjoy. There haven't been three things she's been excited about in the last six months and now there's three in the next four weeks. Good for you B! I'm glad you're back to enjoying life.

Okay, four things, if we count that she's been awakening to sex again and her desire to explore her sexuality and actually doing so by visiting the swing club with bf. (I still don't know - did you go this past weekend B? Will you go this coming weekend? Or the next? I want to know; and I don't. But really I do.)

She's alive again. I wonder if he can see it in her, in the things she's doing? Can he hear it in her voice? I can. And it's music. I wonder if the people in her office have noticed anything different with her? Can they tell too? I'd like to think that I'm special, that because I know her so well that I can tell it in her voice, that maybe I see (or she shows me) things that no one else sees. But all I have is her voice - I have to think that having the rest of her it would be even more obvious. Anyone with as much life in them as she has - her spirit must just shine so visibly. What a gift to be part of her everyday world. I wish I was. Those in it, especially bf, have no idea how lucky they are.

I hate him for not knowing how lucky he is. And for having her in his life.

I envy him so much for being the one she's chosen to be with.

I really do hate him. Not so much in an evil way - just jealousy, just because he has what I want so much.

Another weekend passed...

A long weekend, but a great Friday. We had a long, deep talk. Close, warm, reassuring.

We'd finished our book and talked about it. We both wanted to see a new movie this weekend so we could discuss it. I'd hoped to at least be able to be in the theatre at the same time as she, but couldn't arrange it. But I did get to see it and just doing the same thing I knew she'd done, knowing the shared experience, was cool, made me feel connected.

It's SO comforting to know that she's there, to know that she thinks about me occasionally over a weekend when we can't connect, to know that this relationship is important to her.

There's still a lot of uncertainty. Will she ever meet me? Don't know - the chance of it seems less likely than ever. Will she ever leave him? Don't know. I think I'm less of a factor in that possibility than ever, but I don't know that she's any more happy/satisfied there now than she was before. Will she continue to go (and to take bf) to the swing club? Probably. No, I think the answer would have to be yes. It'll always hurt me to know she's fucking him and that she's taking him to the club, not because of what she's doing - but because she's doing it with him. To be honest, if she wasn't with him but dating someone else, I'd feel the same way. It's more accurate to say it hurts me because she's doing things -we- want to do, with each other, but doing them with someone else. It's hard to explain clearly, because I do, really do, want her to be able to explore her sexuality and all that entails.

Weekends are always difficult. Friday is a day when we usually connect and usually get a good chunk of time to spend together. Before we lost the phones, Fridays were almost a "warm up" to Saturdays. Now they're our parting before the weekend. The feelings I take away from our Friday afternoon talks suffuse me and keep me ?happy? through Saturday, at least. There's a fading feeling as the hours pass, but I think I contribute to it because I'm so expectant that she'll call or IM me, any time now. I have no real reason to think so, even though she has done so before. But I keep -expecting- to hear from her real soon now. Add to that the new ?anxiety? I have about whether she's going to the swing club on Saturday and you get an idea. Then, Sundays are a little different, there's a little additional expectation, because she used to often call me for a quick hello on Sunday evenings, and I keep hoping for that call.

I have this fantasy that comes to me occasionally. I fantasize that I get a call from her late at night or in the wee morning hours. She's very somber, very serious. The exact conversation varies but boils down to her saying "I left him. Will you come see me? Now?" I immediately gather up what I need and I'm out the door, in the car and on my way to her within 15 minutes of us hanging up. In this fantasy, when I get to her, our meeting is somber, subdued (she has, after all, just left her SO of several years). She and I have often talked about what our first meeting would be like, but it's always been more of a meeting in a hotel to fuck for the first time. That meeting would be excitingly tense, supercharged with erotic overtones, the air charged with expectation until we finally get behind closed doors and touch, at long last.

There's two components of our relationship that, to me, define it and make it so special, so ?beyond? what most other relationships are - the intimacy and the eros. We share an incredible erotic intimacy. We have learned so much about sex, sexuality, ourselves and our own tastes by sharing with each other. Our erotic intimacy is unparalleled, in my experience. It's a very precious and private thing we share. It's not so difficult to imagine sharing some of the -acts- we talk about with other partners, but sharing that erotic intimacy with anyone else is out of the question. The other part, the personal intimacy, is just as unique and just as rare but even more special. It ?transcends? somehow the erotic intimacy. It's different than the erotic, but in a way it includes it, surrounds it, and surpasses it. Where the erotic intimacy is something we share between us with our minds and our bodies, the personal intimacy is the sharing of the self. At the risk of sounding cliche', it's like sharing your all of your heart, your soul even. It's the touching of the force that makes you a person, sharing that with someone else.

We both feel it, we both acknowledge it, we both want it. Yet... Things are not always so cut and dried. What seems obvious isn't always easy.

I can't wait to talk to her again.

Thursday, 6/8, erotic

Are you going to the swing club this weekend B? If you're ready to do so again, I hope you do. Of course the jealous part of me cringes at the very thought of it. But again, if i'm really your friend, shouldn't I want you to go and enjoy and explore? Yes, I should. And yes, I do.

We've talked so many times about swinging and group sex that it's not at all a stretch to imagine you there. The difficult part is to know you're going with bf and not me. But this is reality.

Today I fantasized about you there - and you were with him. Even so it was a terribly erotic and exciting fantasy - I masturbated and came to it.

I pictured you getting there (and I'd even looked for clubs in your area to try to figure out which you went to), finding a table and settling in with a drink.

You were, of course, dressed to kill - short black skirt, not too tight, one with enough flare so that when you spin when dancing it opens and lifts some, giving a deliciously sexy and teasing view of the very tops of your thighs, your sexy black thong visible. A white blouse, somewhat sheer, tailored and short, ending just above your skirt. No bra so the soft movement of your breasts as you dance is evident. The blouse just sheer enough that the darkness of your nipples is just barely detectable, although the hardness of them is easily seen. No stockings - the olive tan of your legs need no enhancement of any sort. And tall stiletto heels - 4-5". Around your neck perhaps a black choker or a simple silver necklace.

The two of you sit, taking in the sights for a few minutes until you pull him to the dance floor. Your heart is already pumping, your erotic juices already flowing. You dance with him, for him, for anyone who wishes to watch. Your hands roam over your body, over his, your excitement building constantly.

I can see it in your eyes - you're ready. You're feeding on the erotic energy in the club, your own growing steadily and strongly in you until it begins to flow out of you, surrounds you.

You kiss him, hard and long, pulling his hands to your tits as you do so. Your nipples grow so hard, so taut, your pussy tingles and wets, your pussy lips begin to swell. As your mouths part, you begin to unbutton your blouse, letting more and more cleavage show. As you move you shake more, spin more, knowing that his eyes, and those of other men and women, are on you. You catch glimpses of others dancing as you are, of a couple rubbing each other sensuously. Your heat becomes a hunger. You rub his crotch, feeling his cock grow hard at your touch. You hunger for cock, his and others', don't you? You stop dancing and looking him in the eyes, slowly drop to your knees, unzipping his fly and pulling his cock out. Your hunger is now a -need- isn't it B? You can't wait, need to have his cock in your mouth. You hold the shaft and lean forward, running your tongue across the head, gathering up the precum already leaking from it. As the taste crosses your tongue, your eyes close in ecstacy, a small moan escapes your throat and a fresh wave of wetness flows through your pussy. You savor the taste for a second before you start to consume his cock with all the passion you feel inside you. Opening your mouth wide you engulf him, taking him all the way into your mouth, the head of his cock pushing into your throat. As his balls touch your chin you open your eyes and can see others watching you closely, which only fuels your passion even more. You look up at him - his eyes are closed, head tilted slightly back, savoring the warmth and depth of your sweet mouth. He raises his hands and puts them on the sides of your head, fingers entwined in your hair. As though anything else could possibly fuel your lust any more, this does and you close your eyes and begin sucking him with complete abandon. knowing that others are watching you on your knees sucking bf's cock in the middle of the dance floor threatens to send you over the edge. Without even opening your eyes again you feel the lust and sex and eros all around you, filling you, bringing your own orgasm close, so close, without you even touching yourself. You can feel his balls swelling, his cock growing even more as you swallow his length and you know that soon you'll be rewarded with a mouthful of hot cum. As his cock begins to twitch in your mouth, you reach under your skirt, part your soaking wet pussy lips with one hand and start to rub your clit, already engorged and sensitive. Just a touch on it and you're ready to explode. Just then you feel his balls open up, pumping hot cum into your waiting and hungry mouth. As the first drops splash into the back of your mouth, the salty taste washing over your entire consciousness, you push two fingers deep into your cunt, setting your own orgasm free. Your body shakes, you gasp and moan, his cum dripping from your lips.

As his orgasm subsides he pulls from your mouth, causing you to open your eyes in alarm. While you've finished your cum as well, you're not done, just getting started in fact. You catch his eye, reach for his hand and pull him onto his knees in front of you. Once down, you turn, lift your skirt, pull your thong part way down your thighs then plant your elbows on the floor. As you look back at him you guide his cock into your waiting cunt, saying "please fuck me, now".

He no sooner enters you than you feel your second orgasm building quickly, so quickly, and then you're cumming, screaming with your release.

Now that your appetite, your hunger, your need has been fed, you feel energized and ready to play, to learn, to explore.

The night is young.

Thursday, 6/8

Thursday, barely a week since I thought i'd ruined everything, lost everything that was good in my life.

Yesterday afternoon another good talk. It was light and fun - one of those that we both recognize as a great talk - not heavy with talk of "us", just great conversation between two friends.

As was our (much too short. In my opinion) talk this morning. She was in early, called, and we talked about the book, which she finished last night. I like hearing her talk analytically. She's so intelligent and has such a ?grasp? of things, an almost instant, intuitive understanding of the whole of whatever we're talking about. It bothers me that she downplays or underestimates herself at times. When she's talking and not being ?self-conscious? about it she just shines! She often makes me feel inferior by the speed at which she can grasp a subject, or intuit the core concept or meaning of something. She makes me proud of her time and time again. I can only imagine how proud it would make me feel to have her as my partner, to be able to show the world what a magnificent woman she is. (Not that she in any way needs -me- for others to see her as she is.)

Yet another reason I love her.

1045am
It's barely 2 hours since we've spoken and yet I already feel... What? What is it that I feel? A little bit alone, a little bit like 'how can she go 2 hours without talking, without wanting to talk?'. My mind starts to spin - she used to want to be in constant touch, why not now? Is it because I'm less and bf is more? Is it because of the shit I've done, that I've just made myself less important to her, that she just doesn't want or need the me that she sees me to be now as much as she wanted the me that she saw before? Is it just that she's busy? (I know that she is).

Yet while I begin to feel a little frantic I still feel the warmth and the closeness of this morning and last night and it comforts me, when I force myself away from the worry. I don't even know for sure that she would think "warmth and closeness" about this morning - that may just be me. Afterall, it's no secret that I seem to be much more ?involved/taken? than she. I do believe this morning was good to her, but don't know that 'warm and close' would necessarily be her description.

1220pm
We just talked and I think I just spoiled her mood. When she wants to go I always want to keep her on. I was feeling that things were a little different that yesterday (a little more closed off perhaps) and I asked her about it, which I immediately knew was the wrong thing to do. She said "..my mood just changed.. Fuck.. Ok, i'm gonna go" click. Will I ever learn to just let things go on as they will without having to question every moment, every comment? Which won't keep me from wondering did she mean 'just changed' as in 'simply changed' or as in 'just this minute changed'?

So instead of leaving her going away from a conversation feeling okay, she's frustrated with me. Again. Fuck.

250pm
You know what's really weird? What do people do, what's their day like when they don't have someone like B in their life? I can't even remember what my days were like before her. I can only guess that they were boring or empty even. What do you do if you don't have something like her to look forward to, a conversation with her just minutes away, a reason to make it through the next hour or so? I wonder what it'd be like if we were in a physical relationship, where I knew that she'd be with me throughout the evening and sleeping next to me all night and there to wake up to in the morning. Would I still be chomping at the bit awaiting the next contact with her? I think i'd be just as longing of it although I would also guess that I'd have much more calm about the in between periods. There'd be a completely different level of confidence and security in me about our relationship knowing that she'd be there every night. It's hard to imagine what that feeling would be like, to just -know- that she'll be there, waiting for me, wanting me to be there for her as well. I wonder if that's what bf feels now, or does he take her for granted, not realize the magnitude of the gift she gives him every day?

I know that I expend too much energy ?worrying?concerned? about whether or not she'll be there the next time we get a chance to talk, whether she'll be there, with "us" when we have time together, wondering if she thinks about me or this or us when she's not in contact.

This image flashed through my head and made me smile. I pictured laying in bed, on my side, the morning sun, not yet too bright and muted somewhat by shades or curtains, starting to light the room. I'm laying watching her sleep. She's curled some, knees pulled up slightly, arms together, hands under her chin. Her hair mostly pulled back but some loose strands around her face. I can see her chest moving slightly as she breathes. She looks so peaceful and so beautiful. She starts to stir, her eyes opening slowly. As she blinks awake she sees me. She smiles, her eyes and her smile warm and inviting. She closes her eyes, still smiling, reaches a hand out to touch mine and softly says "hi".

This is my dream.

530pm
We ended the day with a good talk. Good for the most part. I still hear traces of hurt in her (even though she wouldn't call it hurt), maybe more accurately, places where she's pulled back, stays pulled back because of the way I hurt her.

I reach out my hand to her and it's as though I can see her looking warily at it, avoiding it, not letting it get too close to her.

My fault, my shame and now my pain. And hers.

What is it?

She continues to amaze me... she is, of course, an amazing woman..

Why can't I tell her what's in my heart? I can, actually, and I have, but maybe not in such a way that she understands exactly what I'm saying. Then again, I think that maybe she does understand what I'm saying, and because it's not what she wants, she chooses not to act on it.

Why is love so hard? Shouldn't it be easy? I love her, she loves me (I think). What's so difficult about that? Does it always have to be a triangle? I love her, she loves him? It's always felt to me, ALWAYS, as though this were meant to be. So why isn't it? Do I have to start thinking that maybe it isn't meant to be? That maybe she's where she's supposed to be and that I'm supposed to be without her? But that seems so... wrong, so not correct.

What is it? Is it the financial comfort of her life with him, the financial ease they'll have over the next 30 years? Isn't love supposed to be able to conquer all? If she's well off but unhappy, is that better than not so well off but happy with what we could have together? Or is that just a fairy tale too? Am I just a diversion for her, something to keep her interested for the time being? I can't, won't believe that, because no one could fake this, the feelings that I get from her are too strong, too real.

Why is this so hard? Really, shouldn't love conquer all? And if it's not, then does that mean that it's not really love? Is it so one sided? Is it only me that's really in love? What does he have that holds her so strongly? What do I lack? What is it that keeps her there, with someone she loves but isn't in love with instead of being with someone she -is- in love with? (Although to be honest, she's said she loves me, but hasn't said that she's -in love- with me). Maybe it's all a figment of my imagination.

I know what I feel and it's real, it's true, it's strong. I know what I think she feels. Yet, if she really feels what I think she feels then, why are we here and not together?

Almost everytime we have a block of time where we can just -talk-, where we don't have anything that needs to be discussed, or there aren't outside pressures weighing down on one of us our conversations just ebb and flow so naturally, so easily. I suspect I'm more affected by it (at least, I can't speak for her in this case), but even if we're not ?working on? being close, that is, even if it's just a conversation about anything, not us or emotions or whatever, as the conversation gets more and more at ease, I feel its effect on me. She melts my heart. The ease with which we talk, the laughter I hear in her, the animation in her voice, the way she makes me feel - all of these things capture me to her. When we have time to share, just the two of us, nothing exists for me outside of her voice and the her that I have in my mind.

She told me that she and bf are making a trip over the 4th of July weekend. Her company has a condo in that city and they make one or two trips a year there. We talked about things to do there and since I used to work there I suggested some things to try, museums, etc. It occured to me that they might want to visit a swing club there. So that got me thinking again about her recent visit to a club. I want to know all there is, I want her to share the details with me, want her to -want- to share the details with me. It still hurts me, probably always will hurt me that she and I can't do those things together, but nevertheless, because we are so similar in what we want and want to do and enjoy and because of the closeness and intimacy that we do and have shared, I want to be able to share these experiences of hers as well. So along with a list of cultural attractions she might be interested in seeing, I'm going to include a few erotic attractions she might be interested in taking him to.

As much as I wish it was me she was taking, me she was playing with, I want her to enjoy her sexuality. She needs to. It's such a powerful part of her. The more I think about how I've done her a disservice by not encouraging her to take him before, the more I feel I've been less of a true friend to her. I've let my ?jealousy?, my hurt at not being the one she would go with get in the way of my being a true friend to her, get in the way of me helping her to explore her erotic desires.

And that's not really being a friend at all, is it?

I don't deserve it.. and yet..

she talks to me...

How can this possibly be?

She actually talks to me, initiated contact with me this morning. How can she be so much -more- so much ?bigger? than me? If our situations had been reversed, could I have been so?

She amazes me.

And yet, all is not just glossed over. She said she won't be as "distracted" as she's been, with reference to bf and her relationship with him. She said she's fighting reconnecting with me, gets mad at herself for letting her guard down with me. She's keeping me more out, letting bf have more of her. Since she's told me repeatedly that she's staying where she is, at least for now, as her friend I should know that him getting more of her, her being less distracted are "good" things for her life. At some level I do know that. Yet, I still feel the loss of her attention, her affection, her closeness, her desire to be close and intimate with me. He has some idea of what he has in her - but I don't think he has any idea, really, of the depth and warmth and complexity of who she really is. I don't have a complete picture either, but I still feel that I know her so much better. I hope she doesn't close me out of the warmth that is her.

g-d, i don't know what to do. I want to give her my life, my heart, my love, all that i have, all that i am, but i know she doesn't want it.

I've failed her so miserably as a friend yet she can still talk to me.

She told me, with no malice at all, about her trip to the club. It pained me to my soul to hear it and yet, I know it was, in the larger picture, a good thing for her to go. She said she'll probably go again. My heart dies upon hearing this, yet I know for her it's ... good, it's right for her to do so. Looking back, I realize that I should have encouraged her to go a long time ago. She wanted it and I knew it. I didn't want her to go because it wouldn't have been with me, it would have been with bf. But she wanted to go and I knew it - as her friend, especially as a friend who knew her erotic side, -shouldn't- I have encouraged her to go? As her friend, a friend with similar (nearly identical?) erotic appetites, I want to hear of her activities, share them with her, examine and relive them with her, I want to hear in her voice the excitement, the arousal, the enjoyment she had. I would enjoy just hearing of her enjoyment. Yet I must admit that it hurts me, the me that so wants to be her lover, to hear it. I think she wants to tell me more, tell me all about it, her thoughts, what she did, what they did, what it was like, because we are friends who share such erotic thoughts. But with her ?desire? to be more guarded, more closed off to me, these things become too private for her to share, too personal. Perhaps, to some small degree, to share them with me would even be a little ?sad? because those adventures are things that we'd wanted to do together.

I look at myself now, naked, preparing for bed. Sunday night I took a bath to relax. As I lay there immersed in the hot water, and my own despair, my thoughts turned to her again. I thought of her swinging, of her with him and others, of the many hours of sex talk we've shared, of the many things we'd wanted to do together. I wanted her so, became incredibly aroused, wanted to masturbate to my thoughts of her but my body wouldn't respond. I lay there looking at my cock and balls, disappointed, when it occurred to me what I would do. So, I shaved my cock and balls - because it was something she said she liked and would have wanted had we ever been together. No hesitation, no "plan". I just did it - because she wanted it (would have wanted it). Do I tell her? Probably not, because I'm not sure that the sexual/sensual side of me is something she cares to see anymore. But, no hesitation, no debate... it was just the right thing to do.

Now, of course, I see that my mind and body were conspiring to insure that I had plenty 0f things to remember. I'll remember that it's how she would have wanted me - and that I'll never be that for her. I'll know that it's probably how she has bf; that she saw, had, new and strange cock over the weekend, cock that if it wasn't shaved, she wished was, but played nonetheless. I'm not that to her now, may never be again. I think I did it to punish myself because I love the way it feels, I know she would like it, I can imagine how different, how amazing her mouth would feel on me. Everytime I feel the smoothness of my balls it reminds me of what I've lost, of how I betrayed her, of the erotic delights that she and I will never share now.

But she talks to me.

I'm relieved, I'm more fortunate than I have any right to be.

And still I love her.

Do. Will.

Always.

Life after death - day 2

730am

A new day. I'm not ready, can't stand the thought of another already. Or the eleven thousand or so more days to come. Each one as empty as the one before it and the one to follow.

At least when i'm sleeping i'm not thinking about her. dreaming, yes, but at least there's some respite in being assleep.

I can't, don't want, to get out of bed. I know that right now she's probably stirring, just starting to wake. Is she still feeling the glow from the swing club last night? Can she still feel the touch of her new lovers? How many, I wonder? Two, three? Ten? I doubt ten - I don't think bf could take that so quickly. Perhaps a woman as well. I imagine her leaving the club feeling well fucked, energized, awash with erotic energy. She probably fucked him again, enthusiastically, when they got home. As she's waking, even now, she'll wake horny and ready, eager to fuck again.

Another day in my own personal hell.

It's so strange that this wouldn't bother me at all if it'd been her and I going. I'd have gladly taken her, watched her, encouraged her, arranged gangbangs for her. But now, when i'm nothing to her I cannot stand it. While I could have easily watched her suck several guys, it's always bothered me, made me jealous knowing that she was fucking and sucking bf. He had her in his life and never knew what he had (has) in her.

He still has her. And now, because of my own actions, I don't. She's removed herself from my life, pushed me completely from hers.

This, -this- is what it's like to be alone.

I don't want to get out of bed. But to stay in bed leaves too much time for her to invade -every- waking moment. Hopefully the movement of the day will bring some distraction. Hopefully i'll only be thinking about her 95% of the time.

I really don't see how i'm going to be able to go on.

And then I think about tomorrow, Monday. How am I going to be able to get past 930am or so, the time we'd have usually talked or at least chatted? tomorrow, and every day after that, a lifetime without her.

Fuck. I can't make it through this. There's no way. People say the pain dulls, fades, the loss more distant, until finally you're able to move on. Move on? I don't want to move on - i've lost my best friend, my lover. She knew me, still knows me (although i'm sure she's already begun trying to forget me) better than anyone else ever has.


1045am

I need to be working but I can't. I wander around here, seemingly with a destination and a purpose but when I get to another room I don't know why i'm there and go to another.

It feels as though, for the sake of my sanity, my very survival, I need to put this pain aside. Besides the fact that that is an impossible task and that I don't want to put aside or forget -anything- that has to do with her, I need to keep my offenses fresh in my head, along with their consequences if i'm to ever be able to change myself.

B, please, can you hear me calling to you? Please answer me back, please let me back into your life. Please.


1140am

Paint. Check the pool. Rest a minute. The world continues to turn as though oblivious to what's happened. My world is shattered, my future so completely changed and so much -less-, and miles away a woman is feeling betrayed, lied to by the person who, above all others, should never, ever have lied to her or hurt her in any way. That would be me, I'm the man who hurt his best friend, the woman who he loved with everything he had to give. Me. I did that.

I am the betrayer Judas. I am the cheat, the liar, the bastard prick, the one not to be trusted. How is it that that is who I am? I really thought that on the whole I was a dretty good guy, a decent guy. But I'm not, am I? I'm no different than any other jerk you might know. That's a difficult realiztion to have to accept. Difficult enough on it's own, overwhelming when it comes at such a cost.

Overwhelming. I can't move.

If it wouldn't be yet another abandonment of my ex-wife and my daughter, I would just leave. Go somewhere, anywhere, to try to escape. Everything I have reminds me of her. And then me of what a shit I am. Even this pocket pc is -her-. I got it because it enabled us to keep in touch better.

Huh. I just thought of this: the wifi on this ppc was the key reason for me to get this. The morning of the last day that B was in my life, Friday, the wifi had stopped working. Just as my life had stopped working.


1240pm

B, I love you. Please forgive me. I'm not sure I can make it without you, not sure I want to.

No one seems to ever read this but me. That in itself is kinda sad and lonely and pathetic, ain't it? B has said she's read it a few times. On the off chance that you might read this again...

B, I'm so sorry. I think you know that. I can't change the way I've acted. I should have been changing my behavior from the previous chances you gave me, but I didn't, or at least not enough. You have no reason to ever believe me again, or even to ever talk to me again, and certainly not to forgive me. Yet, I'm going to ask you to do all those things, yet again. Please, I beg of you.

The only possible redeeming item I can offer as a reason to do so is our friendship, the special friendship we've shared for so long. The betrayal and hurt I've caused you may far overshadow the value and benefit our friendship brought you or could ever bring you again, but it's the only thing I can offer you that may have any value to you at all. Please consider it, please think about it, please open up to our friendship once again.

Please?


315pm

Time drags on, crawls by. She's with me every second. The sound of the anger in her voice when she said goodbye (and "fuck you") on Friday echoes in my head. Not just anger though; hatred, disgust, deep hurt, betrayal, shock even that someone she trusted so much, loved even, would be so hurtful, so disrespectful.

Anger. Hate.

Dismissal.

She's done, gone. Given too many chances and been hurt each time.

I wish that the love we shared, the bond of the friendship we shared were enough to make her want to try again, but I don't think so. She's given me forgiveness and "another chances" for offenses she never would have tolerated from anyone else, only to have me commit the same or another offense. Why should she think this time would be any different? I've certainly given her no reason to think so. If anything my actions would evidence the exact opposite.

That's one way in which we look at things differently. I value the intimacy we shared so highly, know how rare and special a gift that is to be able to share that with someone, that I would suffer anything, give chance after chance until I just couldn't anymore. (How can I say how much I valued what we had, recognized it as such when I acted so stupidly??) But maybe she's at that point now, where she just has no hope of this being good enough or again, where she just can't.

It's 430pm for her and she's probably wrapping up, or close to wrapping up whatever she's been doing this afternoon - jetskiing, out on the boat, yard work. Clean up, have dinner, workout, bed. Or is she head to head with him, working anew on their relationship? Never mind the possibility of sex, has she now recommitted herself to that relationship with bf, now that i'm no longer a draw for her, no longer something she wants, no longer a distraction?

With each passing moment I feel like she's putting more and more distance between us. I'm alone and watching her fade into the distance.

Alone. No B in my life, no friend that I can count on like no other. No B who valued my friendship, who loved me, who wanted me in her life.

Alone.


550pm

I can't function. G-ddamn it, I can't even fucking function, can't concentrate on anything, except B. She's in my head constantly - she's always been just a half-thought away from my consciousness, brought to the forefront every few seconds or minutes, but now she's all I see, all I hear, all I can think about. The mental image of her, constructed from the pictures she's sent me and the "essence" of her taken from the thousands of emails and countless hours of phone calls and chats is staring me in the face, eyes alternately furious and hateful and then just sad that we would come to this, then disappointment that I turned out to be this person that she nows sees. Her voice is in my ears - her laughter, her sighs, her tears, her words of strength or consolation and then the rage at being lied to again.

Looming even larger than her presence is the -absence- of her that I will even more acutely feel starting tomorrow. Since friday her absence has been the normal weekend time apart when we'd almost never communicate anyway; maybe a quick chat, occasionally a short phone call. But tomorrow starts the work week again. If we talked twice a day it was unusual - our norm was three to five times for a total of perhaps an hour or hour and a half or as much as three hours. We might also email a couple of times, and sometimes be on chat over the course of the day, sometimes for hours at a time. Starting tomorrow, her absence will become unmistakeable, painfully obvious by her silence.

She will have done what i'd feared she might someday do - just completely vanish. I never thought that the reason she might do so would be something i'd do or that i'd be so completely the cause of her going. It will be as though she's fallen off the face of the earth. I have only a couple of ways to even try to contact her. There's email, chat, snail mail, and a voip phone number (voip is voice over ip, a computer to computer phone call over the internet). She can easily ignore my emails, even block me as a sender, although I don't really even have an email address to send to because bf has access to (and checks) all her previous emails. Because of that i've been sending her emails to my own account which she's able to log in to. So she will just not go into my email anymore. She'll just stop using the chat name I know, and she'll just never launch the voip application on her computer. Effectively becoming absolutely unreachable by me. I can try to send her snail mail to her po box, but I suspect that will be closed down shortly. Even if I did manage to get mail to her before she shut it down, there's a trash can right at the door to the mail place where she'd deposit my letter, unopened.

I could try to find her, but to what end? If she were to see me around her area, she'd notify a friend on the p.d. that she's seen a stalker and/or tell bf she's being followed. And even if I did find her, so what? I can't make her talk to me. No, finding her would only ensure a more final separation, destroying any chance of any future contact, if there even is a chance, someday.

As far as she is concerned to my life, she might never have existed, because she's completely gone to me now.

Forever.

Fuck. The enormity of that word, the -finality- of it, washes over me again, tearing my heart from my chest, loosing the tears from my eyes.

She's gone.

Because of me.

My life ended on Friday, June 3rd, 2005. My heart died then. My hope died then. My body will live on, giving my brain years to relive how i hurt her, how i sabotaged the most important relationship of my life, how i lost the best friend i'll ever have.

I am a man; not a very good man, obviously, but a man. I am not afraid to show my emotions, was never closed emotionally to B. But right now, i'm going to crawl into a corner of this house i'm painting and cry. Tears are rolling down my face now, obscuring my vision, so i must stop for now.

I will mourn the loss of my friend. I love you B. I am -so- sorry.

So very sorry.

The Life of the Living Dead

Another day. Another day without her to brighten my life. Another day to think about the carnal delights she's pursuing - with him. The added kicker for her erotic pursuits is that she's the aggressor, the instigator, the lead. It's -her- appetite, not his.

The words to a song are stuck in my head - "you don't know what you got 'til it's gone/they paved paradise/put up a parking lot". Thing is I KNEW what I had. So why didn't I act accordingly? Why my fucking stupid lies? I had paradise and threw it away for a cheap stupid sex chat with some anonymous woman. I know it wasn't -that- chat that did it - it was just the final straw when I lied about chatting with her.

Fucking stupid idiot.

She's said many times that maybe we met, were brought together for a reason other than to be together. I wonder if that reason might have been to force me, by suffering the greatest loss of my life, to examine myself closely, to take a long hard look at who I am, what I am, what kind of man I really am.

Right now I don't like what I see. I'm a liar. I lie about stupid stuff, stuff that makes no difference. I lie to cover up my procrastination. I lie if I think people will think the truth is "bad", whether they really would or not.

I guess the thing that really destroyed my life is that I lied to cover up something I KNOW I shouldn't have been doing. When I was chatting with B yesterday noonish and A pinged me, I knew I shouldn't chat with her. I knew it, yet I did it anyway. B and I had had an amazing morning of reconciliation, we were extraordinarily close. So why would I even consider chatting with A, especially when B has always made it clear that we were to always tell the other if we were chatting with anyone else at the same time. Simple rule under any circumstances. So why, after salvaging our relationship from the fiasco of the day before, why would I even THINK about chatting with A AT ALL, much less at the same time I was talking to B? Fuck. What the hell is wrong with me??

I really don't see, can't even imagine how i'm going to live the rest of my life without her to talk to, to be a friend to, to have her be a friend to me, to hear her laugh, to hear the closeness and intimacy in her voice when we get to spend quiet time together.

Where are you right now B? What are you doing? Have I crossed your mind since yesterday? Have you thought me in any way other than with hate or disgust or other than to despise me?

I seriously don't know if I can do this. Be without her, that is. More lyrics come to mind, from a country song where his woman has left him: "I breathe in/I breathe out/I put one foot in front of the other". Even that seems impossibly hard.

Being left by someone is hard enough, but the choice is made by the one leaving. I get to know that the ONLY reason she left was because of my actions. And she'd given me so many chances, already been hurt by me and forgiven me. My stupid lies. Pointless, insipid, juvenile, stupid lies.

What the fuck is wrong with me?


215pm

I ate lunch - but not because I had any appetite at all, because I don't. It actually feels like i'm gonna throw up or something. My stomach is tied in knots, churning. Where are you B? What are you doing right now? I miss you so much, already, and this emptiness will only grow until it completely consumes me. I can't imagine how it can possibly get or be any worse than it is right now, yet I know in the pit of my stomach that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I'm such a fucking idiot. I knew, KNEW that B was the best thing to ever happen to me and still I couldn't be the right kind of man to keep her in my life.

I'm not suicidal - but I don't really care right now if I live another day or not. I'd almost rather not - at least the pain would stop. Statistically i'll live another 30 or so years; but I feel like my life is over. Everything that happens in my life from this moment forward, every friend, every acquaintence, every lover, all will be in my life because I fucked up the most important relationship I've ever had - this friendship with B. Had I not forced B away, my life would have been different. (Think of the movie "Sliding Doors"...)

Every relationship will be a settling, a second place to what should have been with B, every friend less than the person who knows me better than anyone else has ever known me. Where the joy of having her in my life would have been with me every moment instead will be remorse that I wasn't a better person, a better friend to her, self-hatred that I could repeatedly disrespect her so, and the overwhelming sadness of having lost my lover, my confidant, my best friend ever.


410pm

I'm painting a house. Outside there's kids riding their bikes. Elsewhere people are shopping. How can all this normalcy continue on? Does no one else understand the magnitude of what's happened, the extent of the loss??

But of course the answer is no. It's my own personal disaster, my own hell. Not completely true I guess because B is out there and she's reacting to it as well, albeit completely differently. But for the most part she's just hating me, probably even glad to be rid of me. Ya know what? I don't blame her. My behavior is inexcusable. I would ask her to please try to find it within her to forgive me, but she's forgiven me before and we wind up here again. It's me, always me.

My ex-wife has told me since we've been divorced that she never realized during our marriage how selfish and self-centered I was. Even I was amazed when she listed example after example of it. Now I see that my behavior with B was just more selfishness, more self-centeredness. I knew it was wrong to chat with the other woman (or anyone for that matter) at the same time as I was chatting with B; but -I- wanted to. I knew it was wrong, fucking insensitive and disrespectful as all hell, to talk -sex- with someone when B and I were in the midst of such a sensitive conversation. And still I did it. Because I wanted to get this other woman into bed. Fuck me. Put your fucking cock back in your pants, you shit. While I'm working hard at salvaging (from another fuck up by me) my relationship with the most important person in my life, and at the sane fucking time I'm trying to get another woman interested in fucking me!!! Geezus fucking christ!! What the FUCK is wrong with me?!?

Geezus christ.

Now what? What the hell am I going to do? I only remember life before B as lonely; life after her and without her is going to be fucking desolate.

I'm in tears at the words, just at the -thought- of it. How am I possibly going to manage the reality of it? I'm not sure I can.

It's twenty five hours since I heard her voice. I can't fathom that I may never hear it again, at least not as my friend.

Fuck. I can't do this, I'm not going to be able to. It's too hard. And I don't -want- to be without her. And there it is again, "I don't want", "I". Always me, it's all about me. Never mind that I broke the trust of my friend, disrespected her YET AGAIN. Fuck.

Like I said before, i'm not suicidal - I just don't care if I live or not. I want to get completely fucked up, drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever, anything to take my mind off her. But because the universe says I must live with the consequences of my actions I know that none of those would have the intended effect. Probably just the opposite - I'd be even more aware of my loss. (Yeah, there it is again... -my-.. all about me). I want to give the keys to my gunlocks to someone else for safe keeping. Even though I don't have the guts to do it, in a drunken stupor, who knows? Maybe it'd seem like the best thing for all involved. I'd probably fuck that up too, wind up a fucking vegetable, and somehow my family wouldn't even get the insurance money.

G-d, do I sound fucking pathetic, or what?


630pm

For her it's 730pm; if she didn't take him to the swing club last night, then she's probably getting ready right now to go tonight. Showering, putting on a sexy outfit and stiletto heels, feeling the throb of excitement growing within her. There's no doubt that she'll be the hottest woman there, no doubt that she'll have her pick of any man or woman. All the times she and I talked about how we'd be visiting the swing clubs together, her and I. Yet another of the 9 levels of my own private hell.

Maybe there is a shred of what it takes to really be a friend to someone, to care about someone else more than yourself in me, because deep down, under the pain, I want her to enjoy her experiences, to revel in the sensuality and sexuality that she seeks and will find. B is a very sensual and sexual woman, by far the most so I've ever met. I hope she finds the very best erotic experience she could hope for.

And I hope I die.

I would give anything, give up anything, do anything to have her back in my life. But there's nothing I can do, nothing. Maybe if I can change, can grow a little beyond this person I am now then this won't have been for naught. Even if there's no intrinsic good to be had in the fact of me becoming somehow better, maybe I'll avoid hurting someone else in the future, avoid betraying some other friends' trust. A very very small consolation for me, but perhaps I won't hurt someone else.

B, I am so sorry. I beg your forgiveness, even though I don't deserve it. Please, please, please come back to me. Please.

The last day of my life

I fucked up royally this time and I believe it's final. I lied to her. Again. The fuck is wrong with me!!??

For what may be the first time it feels true, I don't care if I die tonight. Or tomorrow. But if i'm gonna die soon, then sooner is better because every minute is hell. it's 810pm her time, and if she's taking him tonight then they're either on their way or already at the swing club. My stomach is in knots - I thought because I hadn't eaten all day but I just ate 20 mins ago and it's no better. Maybe even worse, especially as the night wears on and I imagine more and more what she's doing.

I am such a fucking fool. Idiot. Like countless men before me, i've let my cock fuck up my life. Completely fuck it up.

It's now 915pm friday night, her time. Where is she? What's she doing? The thought of it kills me. Which is strange considering the desire we both had to have 3- or more-somes and group sex. When we talked about it together, the thought of her woth multiple partners, men or women, was (and is) terribly exciting. But not now, not like this. I feel like the virgin guy who married his virgin sweetheart and is now waiting for her, knowing that she's out fucking others.

Why am I such an idiot?

The thing that makes this hell so unique, this private hell built just for me (and by me) is that I don't know if she's at the swing club tonight; she might not take him till tomorrow night. Or both nights. But I'll get to visit this hell of mine every weekend for the rest of my life.

And still she won't leave my mind. The last 30 minutes were the longest 30 hours of my life.

Thirty more minutes; it might have just as well been thirty days. My stomach is churning, actually hurts. My heart is empty, crushed, destroyed, breaking. What have I done? And for what?

The End

I've finally done it. I've pushed B until she can no longer stand to have me in her life.

Life as I know it is over.

What the fuck have I done?