my B had a special day recently... her birthday. i'd told her that bf and -him- were undoubtedly planning something "special" for her... a gangbang, an orgy, a train, a bukkake party, something of that sort. at the very least, a night of the two of them fucking the shit out of her.
she denied it, didn't think they'd do that without her consent, and given that she's been turning them down lately, she didn't think it likely. however, when pressed, she said she was "80% sure" that they weren't planning anything for her.
fuck.
i hate being right.
turns out, they did plan something for her. something very special. something that gives a very good indication of just how far she's been able to bring bf along as she's let the slut out. way back when, at her first gangbang, he had trouble with six guys fucking her.
not so much anymore.
bf and him planned quite the party. when bf drove up in front of the building, late that evening, she asked what was up. he smiled at her and said he had a surprise for her. when pressed, he told her.
what they'd arranged was something that she's very, very fond of. something she -loves- very much. she's a slut and she loves being used, taken, passed around. she loves being just the fuck holes (all three of them) for anyone who'll fuck her.
bf told her: there were between 20 and 40 people in the closed, off-hours bar. a regular party, you might think, right? no, not quite. yes, it was to be a party... and she, B, was to be the party favor. she, and her holes, were to be at the use and disposal of every man and woman at the party. any guy who wanted to fuck any hole? she'd not only be -expected- to give it up to him, but she willingly, gladly, eagerly would. and woman who wanted B to lick her cunt until she came, or fuck B with a strap on? B would eagerly, happily, willingly comply.
she's been a party favor several times, the "entertainment" at a party. she's been the serving cunt at a group of guys watching sports. she served them beer, snacks, food and blowjobs. when she wasn't fetching food or drink, she was on her knees sucking somebody's cock. the first time was with -him-. after she fully integrated -him- into her life/marriage with bf, she got bf to buy into the idea and then he'd arrange similar parties, where she, my B, was nothing more than the cunt, the ass, the mouth and the serving bitch for the men and women at the party. and, since she is, through and through a slut, she loved and loves it.
she didn't go into the party with bf last weekend, out of respect for the time that she and i have been spending together. instead, she blew bf in the car, took him around back and fucked him, then took him home and, in her words, gave him a damn good fucking.
she did lash out at me though, and let me know that she's been giving up "some seriously good fun", some "damn good fucking" for me. she let me know, in no uncertain terms, that she missed being used and fucked by a room full of men and women, that she seriously wanted and missed being used like a slut, like the entertainment, like a party favor.
here's the really confusing part for me. i know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that she can (and has) fuck 30 men at a time.. can easily, readily and happily be used by 40 men and women in a room, sucking cock, licking pussy, giving up her ass to anyone who wants it. the confusing part is that it kills me, rips me apart at the very seams, that she can tell me this, proudly, and tell me that she misses it, wishes she'd done it. as much as that knowlege kills me? if she was with me, i'd happily set up the same situations for her. if she was my cunt, i'd LOVE watching her slut herself out to a room full of men and women, would LOVE watching her be used by 30 guys, fucked in every hole, passed around from hand to hand. the difference is it's been with -him-, the fucker. if it was with me, i'd be reveling in the scene, proud as proud could be of my slut. instead, every word of her story rips me apart.
my B, my love - party favor. entertainment at a party. slut/cunt/whore/holes to be used by anyone who happens to be in line.
and i love her.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
the FUCK was i thinking?
we all have our particular skills and talents, don't we?
mine seems to be hurting B, pushing her away, pissing her off.
drawing her close, getting her to want me, want to see me isn't one of them.
convincing her to do something she is dead set against doing certainly isn't one of 'em.
and the thing is? what the FUCK was i thinking?
she's traveling in the near future. just a couple days, but it's without bf. now, over the course of our relationship, there's been three, maybe four times when she's been apart from bf for a night. on two of those, -he- got to go to her house and spend the night fucking her. -him- and who knows how many others. so here comes the fourth time she'll be apart from bf, for an overnight, in the almost six years we've known each other.
she wasn't able to see me before i left our state for this job. she hasn't even let me see her, in any new pictures or on skype. yet there was a possibility, she even said so, that she might have me meet her when she traveled.
so the time is drawing near. i've already arranged a day off from my new job. last night we talked about it again. she can't do it. can't stand the thought of seeing me. it disgusts her. and here's the (not so) funny part: i got mad at her. i explained how rare an opportunity this is; she knows. i told her i didn't expect any fucking, just talking; she knows. i explained how great it'd be for us to be able to sit and talk and see each other for all that time, be in the same room, be away from everything else, in a neutral place; she knows.
she also knows she doesn't want to see me. can't see me.
which brings me back to my original question: what the fuck was i thinking? she won't even let me see a new -PICTURE- of her, won't let me see her on grainy, broken, shitty voip video.
but somehow i thought she'd want to see me in PERSON?
self delusion is a powerful thing.
mine seems to be hurting B, pushing her away, pissing her off.
drawing her close, getting her to want me, want to see me isn't one of them.
convincing her to do something she is dead set against doing certainly isn't one of 'em.
and the thing is? what the FUCK was i thinking?
she's traveling in the near future. just a couple days, but it's without bf. now, over the course of our relationship, there's been three, maybe four times when she's been apart from bf for a night. on two of those, -he- got to go to her house and spend the night fucking her. -him- and who knows how many others. so here comes the fourth time she'll be apart from bf, for an overnight, in the almost six years we've known each other.
she wasn't able to see me before i left our state for this job. she hasn't even let me see her, in any new pictures or on skype. yet there was a possibility, she even said so, that she might have me meet her when she traveled.
so the time is drawing near. i've already arranged a day off from my new job. last night we talked about it again. she can't do it. can't stand the thought of seeing me. it disgusts her. and here's the (not so) funny part: i got mad at her. i explained how rare an opportunity this is; she knows. i told her i didn't expect any fucking, just talking; she knows. i explained how great it'd be for us to be able to sit and talk and see each other for all that time, be in the same room, be away from everything else, in a neutral place; she knows.
she also knows she doesn't want to see me. can't see me.
which brings me back to my original question: what the fuck was i thinking? she won't even let me see a new -PICTURE- of her, won't let me see her on grainy, broken, shitty voip video.
but somehow i thought she'd want to see me in PERSON?
self delusion is a powerful thing.
Friday, February 20, 2009
what now?
the last few days have been tough. they've also been, in many ways, exceptional days....
where to start?
upheaval. there's been plenty of that. i got a job in another city. so i've packed up and left her (our) state and driven for two days to get to a new location. unfortunately a new location only about a three hour drive from the whore. you can imagine how happy that makes B.
just twelve hours before hitting the road i was seriously considering not taking the job for several reasons. first and foremost - it puts B and i so far apart. geographically far apart - hopefully not mentally and emotionally, but i'm not sure. sometimes i think B is sad that i'm going to be farther away (she's said she likes having me close by) and other times i think she's ?relieved?. talking about my reluctance to move away and to be so far away, she's said many times "it's only a job, you can leave whenever you want, even if you're only there for a couple months, if/when i'm ready i'll tell you and you can leave then".
emotion. there's certainly been plenty of that, both soaring high and sinking deep. we've had some amazingly close and intimate (not phone sex) talks recently - reminiscent of our earlier days but even more than that. these were talks where everything else faded away, nothing intruded on us. during those times, there -was- nothing else. only her and i. only the sound of her voice, only the feel of her soul connecting with mine.
there've also been some depressing, crushing, devastating talks too. not arguments, but where we were both just kicking each other in the (emotional) teeth. lashing out, venting, saying things that we knew were mean and hurtful and not necessary... but we both have -so- much hurt and pain inside us, sometimes we both feel so unheard, so not understood by the other that it's difficult to reign in that emotion, to put the hurt down rather than picking it up and shoving it onto the other. yes, sometimes lashing out in anger can make you feel a tiny bit better but in the final analysis it doesn't really help because later you feel more of your own hurt simply because you lashed out at the other. not only that but digging up that hurt gives it more power again and you feel that again. and again. and again. and how bad do you feel for intentionally hurting the one person who means so much to you?
dismay. B and i have always been sexual with and to each other; it's how we started, how we so deeply connected and it's always been a part of our foundation. i've known she's been being the sexual person that she's known herself to be (even though she hadn't previously let that slut out) since and during the times we've been apart, not together. she's always downplayed it and i've always thought it was not only more than she let on, but feared that it was even more than my wildest (worst) dreams. turns out i was right. the numbers aren't important, because they don't really convey an accurate portrayal of her without knowing her and the rest of the story. let's just say that she doesn't consider less than ten guys a gangbang. and there have been dozens of gangbangs. while that may seem... ?shocking? it's not. not to me (although it hurts) and not if you knew who she was. the really hurtful part of her activities is that she's always said they're "distractions" to get her mind off of the pain of my rejections. distractions? no baby, taking a few lovers on the side is distraction. burying yourself in a hobby or work is distraction. this is... commitment. while i wish i didn't know the extent of her activities (and what i know is only what i could drag out of her), i'm glad i do. even though the extent of them is hurtful to me, it's also some small relief because i know her and i know that this B, the slut who asks her bf and her lover to arrange for 30 guys to come over and use her, pass her around, is part of the amazingly sexual B that i know. and love. and to be honest, if B and i were together, i'd be doing the same thing, arranging the same gangbangs for her so that -i- could watch with love and pride and lust as the woman that i loved lost herself with abandon to her lust. i truly wish i could be the one that she looks over at as she's getting fucked by the 26th guy of the night, as she cums for the 100th time. i wish that was me, not bf and not that fucker -him-.
desire. my desire for B has grown exponentially over that past few weeks. not grown, really, because it's always been there, always been all consuming, overwhelming, endless. but when we're not together, during those times when i've left her (g-d how is that even possible?), it's had to be reigned in, put away, lest it's power and the pain of knowing i'll never have her destroy me completely. but in the ?six? weeks since she called me that monday night, it's been growing. i feel it in the warmth that spreads over me when i hear her voice for the first time in the morning. i see its hold on me when i wake from yet another sexual dream about her. i feel it's strength when i beat off to thoughts of her and the intensity of my orgasm makes my eyes roll back in my head. i can feel its power when as we're having a normal conversation, thoughts of turning the conversation to sex, thoughts of verbally seducing her and taking her so that together we can find and touch each other and to hear her. after so long without it, to hear her lust take her over, hear her desire in her moans and in the way her voice softens and deepens, to hear her cum over and over. even now, at 430 in the morning, after drinking myself stupid and passing out at 11 or so, just these thoughts of her have me hard and hungry for her. her skype account is still signed on (from home) but "away" - i want to call her just in the hope that she's up and would answer - just to hear her voice, to hope that she'd want to phone fuck. but i can't call - if she is logged on, the computer might make noise and bf might find out. so again, i'm left powerless, unable to contact her, unable to fulfill my desire for her.
confusion. i know how i feel about B. i have no doubts of what she means to me. (please don't ask me to explain then how i could leave and hurt her three times - i don't have an answer.) i know that were she to call me this morning and say she's changed her mind, she wants to start us now and to please don't take this job and come home to her - that i'd be in the car within minutes, starting that long drive back to her. it's where i belong. it's where i should be. -she- is my home. i also know, deep in my heart and without reservation, that she loves me. that she loves me as deeply and as completely as i do her. i also know that she wants to be together, wants the life that we were destined to have (and damn me to hell, that we'd have been starting right now) as much as i do. so you can imagine how confusing it is to me to know all that, to tell her that i should come there, that we should heal her -together-, plead with her to let us start our lives together and to hear her say, repeatedly, "i can't". those two small words destroy me, probably much like i've destroyed her heart repeatedly. they paralyze me, knock the wind out of me, immobilize me. how can she -not-??? on my side of us, i know that we're -there-, we are right now within 4 days of starting our life together. but she can't. and that speaks volumes about the depth of the hurt that i've caused her. she too knows that we could start within 4 days. but her scars are so deep and so painful and so raw that she won't even let me see a picture of her or see her on skype. hurts so overwhelming that she can't stand the thought of seeing me in person, much less of actually being together as an "us".
and so i sit here, in a strange hotel in a strange city at 5 in the morning, days away from starting a new job and i ponder the future. i thought i had a pretty good outline of how the next year and then the rest of our lives would go. but during our conversation last night i learned that i need to rethink it. she's said many times that she needs time, that it won't be quick, if it happens at all. because she's also said several times that i "could leave there in a couple months", i've sort of latched onto that timeframe as an indication of how long i'd be here, of how long it might be until she -is- ready and able to start us. but she corrected me last night; pointed out that this time was worse and would take longer to recover from than the first time - and that took nine months. so i have to prepare myself to wait as much as (or even longer than) a year. a year; g-d. we could've been together by our fifth anniversary, july of' 08, were gonna be together for our sixth anniversary this year. if we manage to get together, hopefully it'll be by our seventh, in 2010. besides all the other things that i regret... i'd really thought and hoped that we'd be able to celebrate her 40th birthday together. but we won't - because of me.
and so the things that i have to go through this year, besides a new job in a new city, i'll have to do without having B by my side. it would've been a tough year -with- her; while i'll still have her support, it'll be long distance. she'll still only be available when she's available - days, an occasional evening and for a short time on the occasional saturday. she won't be there when i get home, won't be there when i wake, won't be reachable by phone whenever i need her. without her? this year will be a test. a year of job, move, significant legal and financial issues. a year of knowing that anytime i have any kind of sex, she'll be forced to distract herself with everything that she can do in the same period. think about that.... if i were to pick up a woman in a bar and fuck her once, B will take a weekend and have her bf and her lover arrange a gangbang, a swing club visit, an overnight threesome; she could easily fuck 40 guys in a weekend. and that's only what i can be sure of and know for a fact. she doesn't believe what i tell her now, so undoubtedly there'll be many weeks/weekends when she'll be having all that simply because she thinks i'm having sex and lying to her about it. or just because she wants to.
i imagine a "reasonable person" would read this and think "what the fuck?". i can see that. but that person doesn't know the B that i know. they don't know what it's like when she opens her heart and soul to me and beckons me to her. they don't know the richness and the feeling of finally being complete when you mesh so completely with another person - with your soulmate.
that's what she is, truly - my soulmate.
where to start?
upheaval. there's been plenty of that. i got a job in another city. so i've packed up and left her (our) state and driven for two days to get to a new location. unfortunately a new location only about a three hour drive from the whore. you can imagine how happy that makes B.
just twelve hours before hitting the road i was seriously considering not taking the job for several reasons. first and foremost - it puts B and i so far apart. geographically far apart - hopefully not mentally and emotionally, but i'm not sure. sometimes i think B is sad that i'm going to be farther away (she's said she likes having me close by) and other times i think she's ?relieved?. talking about my reluctance to move away and to be so far away, she's said many times "it's only a job, you can leave whenever you want, even if you're only there for a couple months, if/when i'm ready i'll tell you and you can leave then".
emotion. there's certainly been plenty of that, both soaring high and sinking deep. we've had some amazingly close and intimate (not phone sex) talks recently - reminiscent of our earlier days but even more than that. these were talks where everything else faded away, nothing intruded on us. during those times, there -was- nothing else. only her and i. only the sound of her voice, only the feel of her soul connecting with mine.
there've also been some depressing, crushing, devastating talks too. not arguments, but where we were both just kicking each other in the (emotional) teeth. lashing out, venting, saying things that we knew were mean and hurtful and not necessary... but we both have -so- much hurt and pain inside us, sometimes we both feel so unheard, so not understood by the other that it's difficult to reign in that emotion, to put the hurt down rather than picking it up and shoving it onto the other. yes, sometimes lashing out in anger can make you feel a tiny bit better but in the final analysis it doesn't really help because later you feel more of your own hurt simply because you lashed out at the other. not only that but digging up that hurt gives it more power again and you feel that again. and again. and again. and how bad do you feel for intentionally hurting the one person who means so much to you?
dismay. B and i have always been sexual with and to each other; it's how we started, how we so deeply connected and it's always been a part of our foundation. i've known she's been being the sexual person that she's known herself to be (even though she hadn't previously let that slut out) since and during the times we've been apart, not together. she's always downplayed it and i've always thought it was not only more than she let on, but feared that it was even more than my wildest (worst) dreams. turns out i was right. the numbers aren't important, because they don't really convey an accurate portrayal of her without knowing her and the rest of the story. let's just say that she doesn't consider less than ten guys a gangbang. and there have been dozens of gangbangs. while that may seem... ?shocking? it's not. not to me (although it hurts) and not if you knew who she was. the really hurtful part of her activities is that she's always said they're "distractions" to get her mind off of the pain of my rejections. distractions? no baby, taking a few lovers on the side is distraction. burying yourself in a hobby or work is distraction. this is... commitment. while i wish i didn't know the extent of her activities (and what i know is only what i could drag out of her), i'm glad i do. even though the extent of them is hurtful to me, it's also some small relief because i know her and i know that this B, the slut who asks her bf and her lover to arrange for 30 guys to come over and use her, pass her around, is part of the amazingly sexual B that i know. and love. and to be honest, if B and i were together, i'd be doing the same thing, arranging the same gangbangs for her so that -i- could watch with love and pride and lust as the woman that i loved lost herself with abandon to her lust. i truly wish i could be the one that she looks over at as she's getting fucked by the 26th guy of the night, as she cums for the 100th time. i wish that was me, not bf and not that fucker -him-.
desire. my desire for B has grown exponentially over that past few weeks. not grown, really, because it's always been there, always been all consuming, overwhelming, endless. but when we're not together, during those times when i've left her (g-d how is that even possible?), it's had to be reigned in, put away, lest it's power and the pain of knowing i'll never have her destroy me completely. but in the ?six? weeks since she called me that monday night, it's been growing. i feel it in the warmth that spreads over me when i hear her voice for the first time in the morning. i see its hold on me when i wake from yet another sexual dream about her. i feel it's strength when i beat off to thoughts of her and the intensity of my orgasm makes my eyes roll back in my head. i can feel its power when as we're having a normal conversation, thoughts of turning the conversation to sex, thoughts of verbally seducing her and taking her so that together we can find and touch each other and to hear her. after so long without it, to hear her lust take her over, hear her desire in her moans and in the way her voice softens and deepens, to hear her cum over and over. even now, at 430 in the morning, after drinking myself stupid and passing out at 11 or so, just these thoughts of her have me hard and hungry for her. her skype account is still signed on (from home) but "away" - i want to call her just in the hope that she's up and would answer - just to hear her voice, to hope that she'd want to phone fuck. but i can't call - if she is logged on, the computer might make noise and bf might find out. so again, i'm left powerless, unable to contact her, unable to fulfill my desire for her.
confusion. i know how i feel about B. i have no doubts of what she means to me. (please don't ask me to explain then how i could leave and hurt her three times - i don't have an answer.) i know that were she to call me this morning and say she's changed her mind, she wants to start us now and to please don't take this job and come home to her - that i'd be in the car within minutes, starting that long drive back to her. it's where i belong. it's where i should be. -she- is my home. i also know, deep in my heart and without reservation, that she loves me. that she loves me as deeply and as completely as i do her. i also know that she wants to be together, wants the life that we were destined to have (and damn me to hell, that we'd have been starting right now) as much as i do. so you can imagine how confusing it is to me to know all that, to tell her that i should come there, that we should heal her -together-, plead with her to let us start our lives together and to hear her say, repeatedly, "i can't". those two small words destroy me, probably much like i've destroyed her heart repeatedly. they paralyze me, knock the wind out of me, immobilize me. how can she -not-??? on my side of us, i know that we're -there-, we are right now within 4 days of starting our life together. but she can't. and that speaks volumes about the depth of the hurt that i've caused her. she too knows that we could start within 4 days. but her scars are so deep and so painful and so raw that she won't even let me see a picture of her or see her on skype. hurts so overwhelming that she can't stand the thought of seeing me in person, much less of actually being together as an "us".
and so i sit here, in a strange hotel in a strange city at 5 in the morning, days away from starting a new job and i ponder the future. i thought i had a pretty good outline of how the next year and then the rest of our lives would go. but during our conversation last night i learned that i need to rethink it. she's said many times that she needs time, that it won't be quick, if it happens at all. because she's also said several times that i "could leave there in a couple months", i've sort of latched onto that timeframe as an indication of how long i'd be here, of how long it might be until she -is- ready and able to start us. but she corrected me last night; pointed out that this time was worse and would take longer to recover from than the first time - and that took nine months. so i have to prepare myself to wait as much as (or even longer than) a year. a year; g-d. we could've been together by our fifth anniversary, july of' 08, were gonna be together for our sixth anniversary this year. if we manage to get together, hopefully it'll be by our seventh, in 2010. besides all the other things that i regret... i'd really thought and hoped that we'd be able to celebrate her 40th birthday together. but we won't - because of me.
and so the things that i have to go through this year, besides a new job in a new city, i'll have to do without having B by my side. it would've been a tough year -with- her; while i'll still have her support, it'll be long distance. she'll still only be available when she's available - days, an occasional evening and for a short time on the occasional saturday. she won't be there when i get home, won't be there when i wake, won't be reachable by phone whenever i need her. without her? this year will be a test. a year of job, move, significant legal and financial issues. a year of knowing that anytime i have any kind of sex, she'll be forced to distract herself with everything that she can do in the same period. think about that.... if i were to pick up a woman in a bar and fuck her once, B will take a weekend and have her bf and her lover arrange a gangbang, a swing club visit, an overnight threesome; she could easily fuck 40 guys in a weekend. and that's only what i can be sure of and know for a fact. she doesn't believe what i tell her now, so undoubtedly there'll be many weeks/weekends when she'll be having all that simply because she thinks i'm having sex and lying to her about it. or just because she wants to.
i imagine a "reasonable person" would read this and think "what the fuck?". i can see that. but that person doesn't know the B that i know. they don't know what it's like when she opens her heart and soul to me and beckons me to her. they don't know the richness and the feeling of finally being complete when you mesh so completely with another person - with your soulmate.
that's what she is, truly - my soulmate.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
record breaking time
she was off yesterday, so it's been a long weekend without her; we talked a bit on saturday, but that was it since friday afternoon. she wasn't even able to get to chat or email until late last night, when she emailed that she'd be able to talk this morning. so, you can guess how anxious i was for this morning to come around, to finally be able to talk to her again.
she called, early. our first hour was great - light, fun, easy, us.
and then -i- started talking.
fuck. how do i do that?
we had a lot to talk about and we did get to some of it. a lot of things happened this weekend to talk about. i took some pics (some of 'em even good), we saw a movie, finished a book and i had a fun adventure monday. i bought her some cool, sexy shirts :-). and i did my first domain and website...
she called, early. our first hour was great - light, fun, easy, us.
and then -i- started talking.
fuck. how do i do that?
we had a lot to talk about and we did get to some of it. a lot of things happened this weekend to talk about. i took some pics (some of 'em even good), we saw a movie, finished a book and i had a fun adventure monday. i bought her some cool, sexy shirts :-). and i did my first domain and website...
Friday, February 06, 2009
writer's block
i used to write for B - erotica, scenarios we'd someday act out, sexual thoughts i had of her.
once, i even collected about 30 of them together and read them aloud, recorded them and sent them to her. she always said she loved them. i even got to read her some of them over the phone.
i found them (well, they weren't lost) the other day and read them. compared to the things she's doing and has done in the last year + with bf and with -him-, they're SO lame. i mean, what the things i've written (which we both considered edgy and very erotic back then) is the kind of stuff she does with -him- now in an afternoon fuck at her office. i was going to send them to her for her to read if she wanted... but after i reread them, that'd be equivalent to telling Einstein you have a book for him that he'd really love and then sending him a copy of a 1st grade arithmetic book. nothing, in all the stories i wrote her is the least bit "challenging" or erotic to her, after the things she's done.
i wrote about sharing her with other men - she's fucked about 100 guys (in 3/4/moresomes and gangbangs) since thanksgiving. i wrote about surprising her with another woman. she's got a girlfriend, several girls and couples that they can call up for play time any time, and she's been in a six girl party.
so i thought maybe i'd try writing some new things for her. never mind that i'm sure that no matter what i can dream up, she's already done that and more. at least it'd be more interesting than that early stuff.
i can't. everything i come up with seems so small, so lame when compared against her experiences. i can't imagine it'd hold her interest in the least. and i couldn't withstand the effects of her laughing at me or the writings.
if we do ever wind up together.... i can only guess how lame, how boring, how unsatisfying she'd think our sex life...
once, i even collected about 30 of them together and read them aloud, recorded them and sent them to her. she always said she loved them. i even got to read her some of them over the phone.
i found them (well, they weren't lost) the other day and read them. compared to the things she's doing and has done in the last year + with bf and with -him-, they're SO lame. i mean, what the things i've written (which we both considered edgy and very erotic back then) is the kind of stuff she does with -him- now in an afternoon fuck at her office. i was going to send them to her for her to read if she wanted... but after i reread them, that'd be equivalent to telling Einstein you have a book for him that he'd really love and then sending him a copy of a 1st grade arithmetic book. nothing, in all the stories i wrote her is the least bit "challenging" or erotic to her, after the things she's done.
i wrote about sharing her with other men - she's fucked about 100 guys (in 3/4/moresomes and gangbangs) since thanksgiving. i wrote about surprising her with another woman. she's got a girlfriend, several girls and couples that they can call up for play time any time, and she's been in a six girl party.
so i thought maybe i'd try writing some new things for her. never mind that i'm sure that no matter what i can dream up, she's already done that and more. at least it'd be more interesting than that early stuff.
i can't. everything i come up with seems so small, so lame when compared against her experiences. i can't imagine it'd hold her interest in the least. and i couldn't withstand the effects of her laughing at me or the writings.
if we do ever wind up together.... i can only guess how lame, how boring, how unsatisfying she'd think our sex life...
another fucking weekend
another fucking weekend... in more ways than one.
B and i used to have a love/hate relationship with weekends... love because for a year or so, we got to have lots of time talking on saturdays and sometimes sundays. hate because we were apart and because sometimes we didn't get that talk time. later, after we lost the phones, we just hated the weekends. her because of what was happening in my life, me because we were out of touch and then because of what i knew was happening in her life.
even though we're talking again (and talking a lot) we still hate the weekends. at least, i do; i think she does but it may be more of a dislike (because she fills the weekends with -him- and fucking and all kinds of things). my weekends are a little different. my drinking has been increasing for well over a year, to the point where .... it needs to be gotten under control. (no, i don't drink and drive). my weekends consist of finding something to do during the day (which often means reading or watching tv or movies) and waiting for happy hour to start so i can get shitfaced and forget.. forget what i've done, forget what she's doing at that very moment (well, hours). i've noticed that happy hour has been starting earlier and earlier.
and, this weekend, the fucking starts again. in earnest. she's taken about 2 weeks off from fucking -him- and given it to us as talk time. it's helped, helped me, helped us, a lot. but it's time. bf has been pushing to have -him- over (no, bf doesn't know about -him- and B fuck on the side, or that she wears his collar) for a night of fucking her. and -he's- been pushing her for it too. and, i imagine she's itching to get back to it as well. so, i imagine, they'll invite -him- over, have a drink and maybe a quick fuck, then go out for dinner, drinks and maybe dancing or pool (or fucking in the pool hall, which they've done), then back to her house for hot tub, blow jobs, ass fucks and a long night of fucking. followed by a morning and afternoon of more of the same.
happy hour starts really early this weekend.
B and i used to have a love/hate relationship with weekends... love because for a year or so, we got to have lots of time talking on saturdays and sometimes sundays. hate because we were apart and because sometimes we didn't get that talk time. later, after we lost the phones, we just hated the weekends. her because of what was happening in my life, me because we were out of touch and then because of what i knew was happening in her life.
even though we're talking again (and talking a lot) we still hate the weekends. at least, i do; i think she does but it may be more of a dislike (because she fills the weekends with -him- and fucking and all kinds of things). my weekends are a little different. my drinking has been increasing for well over a year, to the point where .... it needs to be gotten under control. (no, i don't drink and drive). my weekends consist of finding something to do during the day (which often means reading or watching tv or movies) and waiting for happy hour to start so i can get shitfaced and forget.. forget what i've done, forget what she's doing at that very moment (well, hours). i've noticed that happy hour has been starting earlier and earlier.
and, this weekend, the fucking starts again. in earnest. she's taken about 2 weeks off from fucking -him- and given it to us as talk time. it's helped, helped me, helped us, a lot. but it's time. bf has been pushing to have -him- over (no, bf doesn't know about -him- and B fuck on the side, or that she wears his collar) for a night of fucking her. and -he's- been pushing her for it too. and, i imagine she's itching to get back to it as well. so, i imagine, they'll invite -him- over, have a drink and maybe a quick fuck, then go out for dinner, drinks and maybe dancing or pool (or fucking in the pool hall, which they've done), then back to her house for hot tub, blow jobs, ass fucks and a long night of fucking. followed by a morning and afternoon of more of the same.
happy hour starts really early this weekend.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
it's gotta just be me
i know i may be being hypersensitive about things in general and her & sex in particular, but still....
in one of the things about which we'll never agree as to it's impact... we had this conversation snippet recently...
but am i really so wrong for feeling that it's just -me- she won't fuck? she'll fuck -anyone- else that bf or -him- tells her to fuck.
it's gotta be just me, doesn't it?
in one of the things about which we'll never agree as to it's impact... we had this conversation snippet recently...
me: six guys before we met. a hundred or more since we met. just not mei know i did to her everything she says i did.
her: why not you? cuz when i get close to trusting you, you decide you'd rather have someone else
me: did you have to trust the other 100+ before fucking them?
her: no. but they also didn't tell me lies, about how they wanted me, and when i came to them, say "nevermind, turns out i don't want you afterall"
me: most of them didn't even know you long enough before fucking you to learn your name
her: you're right. they dind't. but they also didn't make me think i could trust them and then rip my heart out several times over
but am i really so wrong for feeling that it's just -me- she won't fuck? she'll fuck -anyone- else that bf or -him- tells her to fuck.
it's gotta be just me, doesn't it?
Monday, February 02, 2009
bang, i'm dead
i drove to mom's over the weekend. i certainly had not expected to hear from B. but she called and we talked for 30 mins or so.
and we really talked, like those days of old. we talked, we laughed... and not just laughed, but raucous laughter, belly laughs. it felt so good, so light, so easy, so -us-. all too soon though she had to go.
then she called back, saying she had a few more minutes. and those minutes turned into almost two hours! what a surprise, what a gift, what a great day.
and then she called again on sunday and we got to spend another thirty minutes or so talking.
that was the end of the weekend. and the end of my respite.
last week, she'd agreed not to fuck -him- and to give those hours (and she gets a bunch of hours to spend with -him-) to me, to us, so we could talk. then friday, she extended the "deal" - she wouldn't see -him-, invite -him- over to her house for the B, hubby, lover threesome, if i wouldn't talk to the whore all weekend. no hesitation on my part. and i got the ?relief? of knowing she wouldn't be fucking -him- all weekend, that her husband and her lover wouldn't be spending hours sharing her.
so when i say that was the end of the weekend, the end of the respite, that's really how i felt. because i knew that if bf traveled today, she'd have been fucking -him- in the morning. bf didn't and she didn't.
nevertheless, it's coming. tomorrow is a normal bf-travels-she-fucks--him--morning-and-evening-day. oh joy. she insisted that i call the whore today and touch base. all i could think of was her comment last week that "... because you'll be talking to her during the week, i'll be fucking -him-...". then, when she could tell i was obviously reluctant to make that call, she didn't understand why.
so i told her "you're asking me to pull the trigger at my own execution." meaning that by doing that, i'd be making sure she started fucking -him- again. she never said that if i continued not talking to the whore that she'd continue not fucking -him-, but i still had that hope/connection/hope in my head.
i had no choice not to call and she wouldn't have been happy if i didn't, would've pushed until i did so. so.....
bang, i'm dead.
and still she won't see me. still won't let me come there, see her everyday, give us time together, not take this job that's going to take me far away, not give us this chance to find us again. she's not at that point yet, hasn't healed enough from the last time i betrayed her.
let the fucking begin.
and we really talked, like those days of old. we talked, we laughed... and not just laughed, but raucous laughter, belly laughs. it felt so good, so light, so easy, so -us-. all too soon though she had to go.
then she called back, saying she had a few more minutes. and those minutes turned into almost two hours! what a surprise, what a gift, what a great day.
and then she called again on sunday and we got to spend another thirty minutes or so talking.
that was the end of the weekend. and the end of my respite.
last week, she'd agreed not to fuck -him- and to give those hours (and she gets a bunch of hours to spend with -him-) to me, to us, so we could talk. then friday, she extended the "deal" - she wouldn't see -him-, invite -him- over to her house for the B, hubby, lover threesome, if i wouldn't talk to the whore all weekend. no hesitation on my part. and i got the ?relief? of knowing she wouldn't be fucking -him- all weekend, that her husband and her lover wouldn't be spending hours sharing her.
so when i say that was the end of the weekend, the end of the respite, that's really how i felt. because i knew that if bf traveled today, she'd have been fucking -him- in the morning. bf didn't and she didn't.
nevertheless, it's coming. tomorrow is a normal bf-travels-she-fucks--him--morning-and-evening-day. oh joy. she insisted that i call the whore today and touch base. all i could think of was her comment last week that "... because you'll be talking to her during the week, i'll be fucking -him-...". then, when she could tell i was obviously reluctant to make that call, she didn't understand why.
so i told her "you're asking me to pull the trigger at my own execution." meaning that by doing that, i'd be making sure she started fucking -him- again. she never said that if i continued not talking to the whore that she'd continue not fucking -him-, but i still had that hope/connection/hope in my head.
i had no choice not to call and she wouldn't have been happy if i didn't, would've pushed until i did so. so.....
bang, i'm dead.
and still she won't see me. still won't let me come there, see her everyday, give us time together, not take this job that's going to take me far away, not give us this chance to find us again. she's not at that point yet, hasn't healed enough from the last time i betrayed her.
let the fucking begin.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
B and i, again
sigh....
a day off to a tough start because of her overnight reactions to last nights conversation.... a good day once we got past that...
actually, a damn good day.
my job recently ended. because my work is a bit of a niche, i almost never find work in the same city - at least, i haven't for the last 8 years. actually, since 94 i haven't had two consecutive jobs or careers in the same city.
anyway, so the job hunt had begun, begrudgingly, because what i wanted to do was to go to B's area, hang out there, see her everyday and build us back to the point where she'd want to be an us again. i have enough money that without working i could go three months. throw some kind of job, even low paying, into the mix and the bleeding slows down and i might be able to go as long as six months, maybe more.
the fly in the ointment is that she can't stand the thought of seeing me. the hurts and pains are still too new (about 10 weeks now) and, in her words, the thought of seeing me "disgusts" her. we've gone around and around about this; i think me being there, her starting to see me (and hopefully not see -him- or at least cut it down) would do what we (well, i, anyway - she has a hard time seeing if "us" is something she can even consider again) want - allow us to rebuild and get together, permanently. she thinks it'd be the worst thing for us, that it wouldn't help, that it'd only be bad for me to blow through my money. she has the final say, of course.
so it turns out that i got a job. a job not in this state (B's and my home state), not in her area, but in another state. the same state the whore lives in. not only that, but a three hour drive from the whore. obviously, this concerns me, worries me that B will think that being that close to the whore will allow (make?) that relationship to grow and make us (B and i) not possible. this is not what i want, not what i want to do. B wants me to maintain that relationship, saying that she and i aren't a given, i don't do well alone, we don't know what will happen with us, etc.
a lengthy discussion about what would/could/might happen if i take that job, the effect it'd have on us ensued, taking up the last hour or so of our talk time today. it was kind of heated, but not an "argument" per se, just a heated discussion about things that could happen. we ran out of time before we could fully recover from, come back from that "arms crossed" place. i hate when we end like that, as i never know where she'll take those thoughts overnight.
and in what can only be described as -her-, B called me on her way home. called to say that she hated ending like that, didn't want us to end like that. she is amazing, her compassion and love and whatever it is that makes her who she is, is amazing.
i don't deserve her, but i want her. that's correct but not complete: i want -us-. i know, as she does, that the us that her and i would make would be amazing.... far beyond the sum of the parts. with any luck, the friendship that she and i share and the time her and i will spend talking over the next few months, will heal her enough that she'll be open to having us again.
a day off to a tough start because of her overnight reactions to last nights conversation.... a good day once we got past that...
actually, a damn good day.
my job recently ended. because my work is a bit of a niche, i almost never find work in the same city - at least, i haven't for the last 8 years. actually, since 94 i haven't had two consecutive jobs or careers in the same city.
anyway, so the job hunt had begun, begrudgingly, because what i wanted to do was to go to B's area, hang out there, see her everyday and build us back to the point where she'd want to be an us again. i have enough money that without working i could go three months. throw some kind of job, even low paying, into the mix and the bleeding slows down and i might be able to go as long as six months, maybe more.
the fly in the ointment is that she can't stand the thought of seeing me. the hurts and pains are still too new (about 10 weeks now) and, in her words, the thought of seeing me "disgusts" her. we've gone around and around about this; i think me being there, her starting to see me (and hopefully not see -him- or at least cut it down) would do what we (well, i, anyway - she has a hard time seeing if "us" is something she can even consider again) want - allow us to rebuild and get together, permanently. she thinks it'd be the worst thing for us, that it wouldn't help, that it'd only be bad for me to blow through my money. she has the final say, of course.
so it turns out that i got a job. a job not in this state (B's and my home state), not in her area, but in another state. the same state the whore lives in. not only that, but a three hour drive from the whore. obviously, this concerns me, worries me that B will think that being that close to the whore will allow (make?) that relationship to grow and make us (B and i) not possible. this is not what i want, not what i want to do. B wants me to maintain that relationship, saying that she and i aren't a given, i don't do well alone, we don't know what will happen with us, etc.
a lengthy discussion about what would/could/might happen if i take that job, the effect it'd have on us ensued, taking up the last hour or so of our talk time today. it was kind of heated, but not an "argument" per se, just a heated discussion about things that could happen. we ran out of time before we could fully recover from, come back from that "arms crossed" place. i hate when we end like that, as i never know where she'll take those thoughts overnight.
and in what can only be described as -her-, B called me on her way home. called to say that she hated ending like that, didn't want us to end like that. she is amazing, her compassion and love and whatever it is that makes her who she is, is amazing.
i don't deserve her, but i want her. that's correct but not complete: i want -us-. i know, as she does, that the us that her and i would make would be amazing.... far beyond the sum of the parts. with any luck, the friendship that she and i share and the time her and i will spend talking over the next few months, will heal her enough that she'll be open to having us again.
but this i don't understand
she is always above reproach. she's certainly treated me with much more honesty than i've given her (no matter the reason).,
she told me the account name she uses when she contacts -him-. i asked, she told.
but it was a lie.
this, i admit, surprised me.
on the one hand, i can kinda understand it - she doesn't want me contacting her on that account, doesn't want me interrupting her and him when she's on that account.
but still...
imagine being told that kennedy really was killed by the cia... it's -that- much of a shock.
i'm... i'm... paralyzed by it
she told me the account name she uses when she contacts -him-. i asked, she told.
but it was a lie.
this, i admit, surprised me.
on the one hand, i can kinda understand it - she doesn't want me contacting her on that account, doesn't want me interrupting her and him when she's on that account.
but still...
imagine being told that kennedy really was killed by the cia... it's -that- much of a shock.
i'm... i'm... paralyzed by it
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
again and again and again and again
we had a nice talk last night. she'd called yesterday morning and we had about an hour then last night we had about two.
yesterday morning was hard. as usual, i "started" it by being pissy. we worked through it during the day though.
then last night we had a good conversation.
unexpectedly, she called this morning. because of his schedule, i'd expected a call tomorrow morning but not today. a pleasant surprise, of course. until i found out that he won't be out of town tomorrow. which means no morning, no extra time at night.
and AGAIN (fuck fuck fuck) i got pissy. i couldn't let it go. i let it pull me down and then it pulled us down. and she got frustrated. and we hung up, arms crossed, not close, pulled back.
because of me. again. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
again. and again. and again.
do i never learn?
yesterday morning was hard. as usual, i "started" it by being pissy. we worked through it during the day though.
then last night we had a good conversation.
unexpectedly, she called this morning. because of his schedule, i'd expected a call tomorrow morning but not today. a pleasant surprise, of course. until i found out that he won't be out of town tomorrow. which means no morning, no extra time at night.
and AGAIN (fuck fuck fuck) i got pissy. i couldn't let it go. i let it pull me down and then it pulled us down. and she got frustrated. and we hung up, arms crossed, not close, pulled back.
because of me. again. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
again. and again. and again.
do i never learn?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
for shame
months since my last post. years of things have transpired.
bottom line: i hurt her again. AGAIN. this time worse than ever.
and then, she called me late one monday night, just a few weeks ago. called me late, like 2am. she was, unfortunately, leaving -him- after a night of fun and going to meet bf, but still.. she called. she -wanted- to call, wanted to talk to me. we talked for some time.. 45 minutes or so.
and hope springs again.
we're talking. a lot. good talks, too. this week, she agreed not to fuck him and to give us the time to talk instead. that's big. she sees him a LOT. and she gave that up for the week.
last week we talked one night for 7-1/2 hours. that's a work day. and we -talked-. we talked like the saturdays we had a long time ago. then, almost every saturday for quite some time, we'd have 2 to 6 hours to talk. and it was a large part of our connecting, of building who we were and would become. last week's talk was just like that. there was nothing forced, nothing faked and not just skim-the-surface type stuff either. we talked. we connected. we clicked. we were -us-. and just like those saturdays, when it was time to go, we were amazed at how much time had elapsed and how quickly it'd flown by.
just a couple months ago, i made a stupid, stupid mistake and hurt her. again. for the THIRD time. she should not even be talking to me.
and now? now i dare to hope that she'll turn to face us again, that she might -want- us again. which means that the future "us" that was destined to happen could still happen. it needs to happen. how can it not?
i've shaken her faith in what we've always referred to as "us". she's changed (lessened) her view of what she thinks us means to me, of what she means to me. she's hurt tremendously, deep in her soul.
as much as i might wish it to be different (faster), -if- she can want us again, it'll take time. which brings back my fears of years gone by of "no end in sight" to the waiting. she's going to continue to fuck him (and many, many others) and bf and her girlfriends. and strangers. and gangbangs. and every single thing she tells me about, or hints about or doesn't tell me about will put another dagger in my heart.
and if she'll have me, i'm hers.
bottom line: i hurt her again. AGAIN. this time worse than ever.
and then, she called me late one monday night, just a few weeks ago. called me late, like 2am. she was, unfortunately, leaving -him- after a night of fun and going to meet bf, but still.. she called. she -wanted- to call, wanted to talk to me. we talked for some time.. 45 minutes or so.
and hope springs again.
we're talking. a lot. good talks, too. this week, she agreed not to fuck him and to give us the time to talk instead. that's big. she sees him a LOT. and she gave that up for the week.
last week we talked one night for 7-1/2 hours. that's a work day. and we -talked-. we talked like the saturdays we had a long time ago. then, almost every saturday for quite some time, we'd have 2 to 6 hours to talk. and it was a large part of our connecting, of building who we were and would become. last week's talk was just like that. there was nothing forced, nothing faked and not just skim-the-surface type stuff either. we talked. we connected. we clicked. we were -us-. and just like those saturdays, when it was time to go, we were amazed at how much time had elapsed and how quickly it'd flown by.
just a couple months ago, i made a stupid, stupid mistake and hurt her. again. for the THIRD time. she should not even be talking to me.
and now? now i dare to hope that she'll turn to face us again, that she might -want- us again. which means that the future "us" that was destined to happen could still happen. it needs to happen. how can it not?
i've shaken her faith in what we've always referred to as "us". she's changed (lessened) her view of what she thinks us means to me, of what she means to me. she's hurt tremendously, deep in her soul.
as much as i might wish it to be different (faster), -if- she can want us again, it'll take time. which brings back my fears of years gone by of "no end in sight" to the waiting. she's going to continue to fuck him (and many, many others) and bf and her girlfriends. and strangers. and gangbangs. and every single thing she tells me about, or hints about or doesn't tell me about will put another dagger in my heart.
and if she'll have me, i'm hers.
Monday, September 22, 2008
i'm such a disappointment
so much has trnaspired, bu tthis is not the time for catch up.
she comes back form the weekend so pulled back. and it was a tuff day, coz the tension betweeen us and how it effected her. neevrtheless for me it was as its always been afgter a weekend - my B came back and thats whtat counts.... shes'' back after a weekend.
she attens a dance class and sometines she calls me after... but not tonight... and i really thought tonight she would call...
but no...
she had other things on her mind... more improtnant things.
him, her girlfriend, her hubby...
afterall, i'm just the assshole whos hurt her tine and time again
nothing more than i desrve
she comes back form the weekend so pulled back. and it was a tuff day, coz the tension betweeen us and how it effected her. neevrtheless for me it was as its always been afgter a weekend - my B came back and thats whtat counts.... shes'' back after a weekend.
she attens a dance class and sometines she calls me after... but not tonight... and i really thought tonight she would call...
but no...
she had other things on her mind... more improtnant things.
him, her girlfriend, her hubby...
afterall, i'm just the assshole whos hurt her tine and time again
nothing more than i desrve
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
to her former master: FUCK YOU
i'm really losing it. or already lost it.
i'm pretty sure i've already lost her. no matter what, i can't seem to please her.
hey.. and her former master - i have a feeling you're reading this.. and guess what? FUCK YOU.
you only got her because i fucked up. and yes, there's a good chance she's going to call you again and tell you that she tried to make it work with me and we couldn't. so in a sense you win. but you know what? FUCK YOU. first off, you have her body, yes. but i have her heart and her mind. it may seem like what you have is more important than what i have but consider this... i know her better than you'll ever know her. i know her heart and her inner self. i know who she is. and while we may not have been able to make it work, you only got her -because- we couldn't make it work. you were SECOND STRING, second choice, got it?
yes, she may leave bf and you may leave your wife and the two of you may spend many years together. and because it's -her- i'm happy. she deserves happiness. but just like bf never had much of her? there's parts of her that -you'll- never have too. she and i have shared much that you'll never know. so FUCK YOU.
she's told me that the two of you laugh at me and laugh at how stupid i was for "choosing" someone else over her. and maybe she told you and maybe she didn't, but it wasn't a -choice- for me. i got caught doing something i shouldn't have been doing, which she took as a conscious decision. no matter what, whether she calls you in a week or a month or six months to tell you she wants to see you again, FUCK YOU. she and I will -always- share something special and something unique and you'll never have a part of it.. you'll NEVER know the parts of her that i know.
FUCK YOU.
asshole.
no matter what happens? you'll always be second choice - because she and I couldn't make it work. yes, maybe you'll have her. but you were SECOND choice. get it?
fuck you.
and here, this'll make you even more proud, so you can puff up and feel so fucking superior, okay? i'm gonna give you this. not sure why. but one thing is for sure.. you better fucking take care of her. if she winds up with you, i'll be dead by the end of the year; but rest assured, -you- will not be free of me. if you EVER hurt her, ever abuse her or make her cry, i will be back.
she is a precious, precious gift. if she and i don't make it, it's because of me, because i couldn't be what she needed me to be. i f you EVER hurt her, i will be back. one way or another.
yes, you gave her the 20 man gangbang she wanted, just weeks after her and i ended. and you've treated her like a slut and given her away and all that. good for you. ask her where she discovered that she even wanted those things.
FUCK YOU.
asshole
Monday, May 12, 2008
an unwanted puppy
this post deleted because it was a piece of crap.
like the rest of my life.
fuck it.
like the rest of my life.
fuck it.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
using or being used?
she is my love, my life, my future.
i don't know why, but she wants me. i'm not sure i care why, other than to be cautious that it's actually -me- that she wants, not revenge or some image of me that doesn't exist.
she is my heart and my soul and my love and my life.
i have no doubt, none, that all of my life that has transpired before, all that i've been through, all that i've been and done and seen and experienced, all the pain and the pleasure, all the emptiness and the loneliness that i've experienced before now, all of that was designed, intended, to bring me to this point, to bring me to her.
i know this to be true. how, i don't know. but looking back, looking at all that's transpired to bring us to this point, it has to be true. there's no other explanation.
so much has happened in the last few weeks.
and yet, we find ourselves right back at the beginning. where we both know, and acknowledge, that we belong.
there is no future for me other than with her. none. it's like those ?Final Destination? movies where, no matter how they cheat Death, it has a way of catching up to them. and in our case, no matter how I fuck up (for it is usually me that fucks up), the universe has a way of putting -us- back together. actually, it's always -me- that fucks up. her only error has been waiting too long, when she knew our time was -here-, knew it was time to act.
she sent me pics tonight. that in itself isn't unusual, as she's sent me many pics recently. but these, which, g-d i wish i could post to share her beauty with the world, are exceptional. her beauty shines through. she is so gorgeous. so beautiful, so innocently pretty.. even as i know she'd look the same way (and did look the same way) as the 20th guy in the room stepped up to fuck her in her biggest gangbang. she is a slut at heart; and i love her. she will soon, g-d willing, be -my- slut, and i too will have her gangbanged. i will give her away to other men who don't even know her name (other than to call her "cunt" or "slut") to fuck. i will hand her off to a room full of men to use as they would use a purchased whore. and through it all, she will shine. her face will be as beautiful as the pics she sent me tonight. and when i take her from that room and i hold her in my arms, and i tell her that she is -my- slut, -my- cunt, the love will flow between us. for she knows, in her heart and in her soul, that she is a slut. and i know it too. and my love for her grows with each man that fucks her.
why, you might wonder? because when they have finished, when they have pulled their limp cocks from her pussy or her mouth, thinking that they have conquered something, she and i will know that it is -they- who have been used, they who have been but props in -our- play. because after they have used her cunt, after they have been given permission to cum in her mouth and on her tits and in her mouth, it is -me- that she will be with. it is -me-, her Master, that will take her in arm, caress her, shower her, clean her up and love her, it is her and I that will relive the experience and bask in what -we- took from it. she will leave the gangband with her head high, her pussy sated, her need satisfied. i will leave the gangbang with my slut, with my cunt, with the woman that i love. and together we will know that -we- have used them, for they are but props, placeholders in the life and the love that we share.
she is a slut at heart, yes. and even on her own she would fuck ten or twenty or thirty guys. but together, we will do more. together, we will feed on the base lust of those bit players. together we will feed -her- lust, and mine, and like vampires, we will feed on them.
together.
they will never know her name, never know her as anything other than "cunt" or "slut". and we will never know them as anything other than -props- in our life, in our erotic journey, in the life that she and i will share. they may thing they have scored for having fucked another cunt. when in actuality it will be -us- who has taken from them what -we- wanted.
they will leave and go back to whatever existence they led before. and we will continue on in our lives, in our shared life, and we will grow on the energy that -we- took from -them-.
and together, we grow. stronger and stronger.
and more together than ever.
believe me when i tell you that it is -us- who is using them, for our pleasure.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
i know this to be true
why can't i make her happy? it used to be so easy - pleasing her was one of the great joys of my life and i was able to do so often. It's still my joy to please her - but i so seldom seem to be able to anymore.
i try. but i want her so desperately, need her so much, that i pull and pull at her and all she sees is that i'm pulling at her. she can't see the reasons behind it, can't see that it's with the best of intentions, won't see the love and care and tenderness that's the root of everything i do and want to do for her.
it's so frustrating, in every way. maybe i'm off in fantasy land or something, but i can so -clearly- see how our lives could be so different. but it takes the certainty that -i- have that if she would let us be together, that we'd work it out. but just as strongly certain as i am that we would work is how strongly deadset she is against giving us the opportunity to try.
i would probably get kicked out of the "guy club" for my views on how our relationship would be, but fuck it - don't much care for the club anyway. our love would grow back to where it was. mine for her is still there, as strong as or stronger than ever, but she has none. doesn't have any love for me or us and can only barely remember it as a memory of something she once wanted.
i can so clearly see how we would grow and heal and progress toward the -us- that we are destined to be; the us we'd be well on our way toward being, had i been able to keep my cock in my pants. i can so clearly see how we'd be. Not that it would be easy street, not by a long shot. We'd have hard days, some very hard days. But together we'd get past them. And we'd heal and grow, together. and the bad days would be less and less frequent, although they may never go away altogether. but what couple doesn't have bad days? more importantly, -we- would grow and grow closer. our love and our like would grow and grow and deepen and mature. i feel this, i know this, i see this, i believe it - with every fiber of my body, with every bit of my heart, with all that i am, i know this to be true.
i know all this to be true. i just do.
she knows that she can't stand to be in the same room with me.
but the thing is..
none of it matters.
i know me. not as well as i should, that's apparent. and not as well as she does - she said some things about me yesterday that were bang-on on target, but that i'd never thought of before.
i used to know her that well. until i hurt her and she changed herself. and now she won't let me know her again. doesn't want me to know her.
but still, i know some things about me. and i know that i will play the fool, again and again. and i'll let her hurt me, to the core, whether it's done intentionally or not. i'll let her rip my heart out and gleefully shred it, time after time. i know that every time she tells me (or doesn't) that she's seeing her master, sucking him at lunch or fucking him when hubby's out of town, that no matter how much i think i can't take it anymore, that i will take it. and come back for more.
because i know how i feel for her and about her. i know the love for her that's in my heart. i know the passion and desire for her that fills me.
i KNOW that she and i are destined to be together. she says she knows it too but that too much has happened and she doesn't see that destiny being fulfilled anymore. (that is, she will prevent it from happening.)
i know that i will chase her and wait for her until i die.
i know that when she finally makes it clear that there is absolutely no way she will ever let me into her heart again that i will be ready to die at that point.
she's making her argument, her position, her absolute, unchangeable "no" clearer and clearer.
i really need to watch "Leaving Las Vegas" again. nicholas cage, at the end of his proverbial rope, decides to kill him self by drinking himself to death in 30 days. well, i've been practicing, that's for damn sure. i don't know if 30 days is doable. but thirty months is. and seems like a pretty realistic timeframe.
is it happy hour yet? oh, right there are no more happy hours for me. just unhappy ones. unhappy hours, days, weeks, months, years. an unhappy life. all caused by me. because i didn't believe my love when she finally told me she was ready. because i couldn't keep my cock in my fucking pants.
what kind of fool am i?
the worst kind, apparently. the kind that -knows- what to expect, dreads it, but asks for it anyway. the kind that continues to play the fool, even knowing his role.
we all play that role at various times in our lives, to varying degrees. but, i've never played the role to this degree. and yet, i know that i've barely scratched the surface of what i'll endure. because the (potential) reward for the role is the ultimate prize, the ultimate reward - her. and i know what i feel for her inside - so i know what i'll endure to have her, if that's even possible anymore.
i felt bad yesterday because i delayed her leaving her office when she was in pain and only wanted to get home. i felt -bad-, although i continued to engage her in conversation. she called a couple hours later, having just gotten home. "from errands", she said. of course, i know what the "errand" was. it was her on her knees, servicing her master. it was her bent over, begging for more pain from him. i felt bad, thinking i'd delayed her getting home, when actually she stayed until it was time to go meet him. fool check #1.
during a conversation some time ago, i thought she indicated to me that she was no longer seeing him. i didn't focus on it, because i kind of didn't believe it, despite wanting it to be true more than anything else. and she's kind of confirmed my thoughts that perhaps she was no longer seeing him. fool check #2.
and here's the biggest one of all and the one that landed us here. after -years- (literally, years) of waiting for her, begging her, courting her, wanting her to share her life with me, when she was finally ready, when she finally invited me to her, to -begin- our being together, i got caught fucking a whore. fool check #3. fool check-mate.
game set match.
now she wants nothing to do with me.
i chased her for four years and she wouldn't even see me. she met and decided to fuck her master in 30 minutes.
and the really interesting part? this might really be the telltale indication of just how much of a fool i am... i'm hoping that she'll want to see me tomorrow and friday, on my way to my next city/job. i mean, what the fuck? -really??- but yeah, really. there's nothing i hope for more than that she'll want it too. or maybe even -suggest- it, bring it up first.
and even beyond that? i'm hopeful that she can somehow see a future for -us-.
and give up her master.
and want me, once again, as her Master.
and want to share our lives, our friendship, our intimacy. the unique friendship and intimacy that has been the cornerstone of our relationship.
i'm thinking that being able to stomach being in the same room probably has to occur first.
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