writer's block

i used to write for B - erotica, scenarios we'd someday act out, sexual thoughts i had of her.

once, i even collected about 30 of them together and read them aloud, recorded them and sent them to her. she always said she loved them. i even got to read her some of them over the phone.

i found them (well, they weren't lost) the other day and read them. compared to the things she's doing and has done in the last year + with bf and with -him-, they're SO lame. i mean, what the things i've written (which we both considered edgy and very erotic back then) is the kind of stuff she does with -him- now in an afternoon fuck at her office. i was going to send them to her for her to read if she wanted... but after i reread them, that'd be equivalent to telling Einstein you have a book for him that he'd really love and then sending him a copy of a 1st grade arithmetic book. nothing, in all the stories i wrote her is the least bit "challenging" or erotic to her, after the things she's done.

i wrote about sharing her with other men - she's fucked about 100 guys (in 3/4/moresomes and gangbangs) since thanksgiving. i wrote about surprising her with another woman. she's got a girlfriend, several girls and couples that they can call up for play time any time, and she's been in a six girl party.

so i thought maybe i'd try writing some new things for her. never mind that i'm sure that no matter what i can dream up, she's already done that and more. at least it'd be more interesting than that early stuff.

i can't. everything i come up with seems so small, so lame when compared against her experiences. i can't imagine it'd hold her interest in the least. and i couldn't withstand the effects of her laughing at me or the writings.

if we do ever wind up together.... i can only guess how lame, how boring, how unsatisfying she'd think our sex life...