what now?

the last few days have been tough. they've also been, in many ways, exceptional days....

where to start?

upheaval. there's been plenty of that. i got a job in another city. so i've packed up and left her (our) state and driven for two days to get to a new location. unfortunately a new location only about a three hour drive from the whore. you can imagine how happy that makes B.

just twelve hours before hitting the road i was seriously considering not taking the job for several reasons. first and foremost - it puts B and i so far apart. geographically far apart - hopefully not mentally and emotionally, but i'm not sure. sometimes i think B is sad that i'm going to be farther away (she's said she likes having me close by) and other times i think she's ?relieved?. talking about my reluctance to move away and to be so far away, she's said many times "it's only a job, you can leave whenever you want, even if you're only there for a couple months, if/when i'm ready i'll tell you and you can leave then".

emotion. there's certainly been plenty of that, both soaring high and sinking deep. we've had some amazingly close and intimate (not phone sex) talks recently - reminiscent of our earlier days but even more than that. these were talks where everything else faded away, nothing intruded on us. during those times, there -was- nothing else. only her and i. only the sound of her voice, only the feel of her soul connecting with mine.

there've also been some depressing, crushing, devastating talks too. not arguments, but where we were both just kicking each other in the (emotional) teeth. lashing out, venting, saying things that we knew were mean and hurtful and not necessary... but we both have -so- much hurt and pain inside us, sometimes we both feel so unheard, so not understood by the other that it's difficult to reign in that emotion, to put the hurt down rather than picking it up and shoving it onto the other. yes, sometimes lashing out in anger can make you feel a tiny bit better but in the final analysis it doesn't really help because later you feel more of your own hurt simply because you lashed out at the other. not only that but digging up that hurt gives it more power again and you feel that again. and again. and again. and how bad do you feel for intentionally hurting the one person who means so much to you?

dismay. B and i have always been sexual with and to each other; it's how we started, how we so deeply connected and it's always been a part of our foundation. i've known she's been being the sexual person that she's known herself to be (even though she hadn't previously let that slut out) since and during the times we've been apart, not together. she's always downplayed it and i've always thought it was not only more than she let on, but feared that it was even more than my wildest (worst) dreams. turns out i was right. the numbers aren't important, because they don't really convey an accurate portrayal of her without knowing her and the rest of the story. let's just say that she doesn't consider less than ten guys a gangbang. and there have been dozens of gangbangs. while that may seem... ?shocking? it's not. not to me (although it hurts) and not if you knew who she was. the really hurtful part of her activities is that she's always said they're "distractions" to get her mind off of the pain of my rejections. distractions? no baby, taking a few lovers on the side is distraction. burying yourself in a hobby or work is distraction. this is... commitment. while i wish i didn't know the extent of her activities (and what i know is only what i could drag out of her), i'm glad i do. even though the extent of them is hurtful to me, it's also some small relief because i know her and i know that this B, the slut who asks her bf and her lover to arrange for 30 guys to come over and use her, pass her around, is part of the amazingly sexual B that i know. and love. and to be honest, if B and i were together, i'd be doing the same thing, arranging the same gangbangs for her so that -i- could watch with love and pride and lust as the woman that i loved lost herself with abandon to her lust. i truly wish i could be the one that she looks over at as she's getting fucked by the 26th guy of the night, as she cums for the 100th time. i wish that was me, not bf and not that fucker -him-.

desire. my desire for B has grown exponentially over that past few weeks. not grown, really, because it's always been there, always been all consuming, overwhelming, endless. but when we're not together, during those times when i've left her (g-d how is that even possible?), it's had to be reigned in, put away, lest it's power and the pain of knowing i'll never have her destroy me completely. but in the ?six? weeks since she called me that monday night, it's been growing. i feel it in the warmth that spreads over me when i hear her voice for the first time in the morning. i see its hold on me when i wake from yet another sexual dream about her. i feel it's strength when i beat off to thoughts of her and the intensity of my orgasm makes my eyes roll back in my head. i can feel its power when as we're having a normal conversation, thoughts of turning the conversation to sex, thoughts of verbally seducing her and taking her so that together we can find and touch each other and to hear her. after so long without it, to hear her lust take her over, hear her desire in her moans and in the way her voice softens and deepens, to hear her cum over and over. even now, at 430 in the morning, after drinking myself stupid and passing out at 11 or so, just these thoughts of her have me hard and hungry for her. her skype account is still signed on (from home) but "away" - i want to call her just in the hope that she's up and would answer - just to hear her voice, to hope that she'd want to phone fuck. but i can't call - if she is logged on, the computer might make noise and bf might find out. so again, i'm left powerless, unable to contact her, unable to fulfill my desire for her.

confusion. i know how i feel about B. i have no doubts of what she means to me. (please don't ask me to explain then how i could leave and hurt her three times - i don't have an answer.) i know that were she to call me this morning and say she's changed her mind, she wants to start us now and to please don't take this job and come home to her - that i'd be in the car within minutes, starting that long drive back to her. it's where i belong. it's where i should be. -she- is my home. i also know, deep in my heart and without reservation, that she loves me. that she loves me as deeply and as completely as i do her. i also know that she wants to be together, wants the life that we were destined to have (and damn me to hell, that we'd have been starting right now) as much as i do. so you can imagine how confusing it is to me to know all that, to tell her that i should come there, that we should heal her -together-, plead with her to let us start our lives together and to hear her say, repeatedly, "i can't". those two small words destroy me, probably much like i've destroyed her heart repeatedly. they paralyze me, knock the wind out of me, immobilize me. how can she -not-??? on my side of us, i know that we're -there-, we are right now within 4 days of starting our life together. but she can't. and that speaks volumes about the depth of the hurt that i've caused her. she too knows that we could start within 4 days. but her scars are so deep and so painful and so raw that she won't even let me see a picture of her or see her on skype. hurts so overwhelming that she can't stand the thought of seeing me in person, much less of actually being together as an "us".

and so i sit here, in a strange hotel in a strange city at 5 in the morning, days away from starting a new job and i ponder the future. i thought i had a pretty good outline of how the next year and then the rest of our lives would go. but during our conversation last night i learned that i need to rethink it. she's said many times that she needs time, that it won't be quick, if it happens at all. because she's also said several times that i "could leave there in a couple months", i've sort of latched onto that timeframe as an indication of how long i'd be here, of how long it might be until she -is- ready and able to start us. but she corrected me last night; pointed out that this time was worse and would take longer to recover from than the first time - and that took nine months. so i have to prepare myself to wait as much as (or even longer than) a year. a year; g-d. we could've been together by our fifth anniversary, july of' 08, were gonna be together for our sixth anniversary this year. if we manage to get together, hopefully it'll be by our seventh, in 2010. besides all the other things that i regret... i'd really thought and hoped that we'd be able to celebrate her 40th birthday together. but we won't - because of me.

and so the things that i have to go through this year, besides a new job in a new city, i'll have to do without having B by my side. it would've been a tough year -with- her; while i'll still have her support, it'll be long distance. she'll still only be available when she's available - days, an occasional evening and for a short time on the occasional saturday. she won't be there when i get home, won't be there when i wake, won't be reachable by phone whenever i need her. without her? this year will be a test. a year of job, move, significant legal and financial issues. a year of knowing that anytime i have any kind of sex, she'll be forced to distract herself with everything that she can do in the same period. think about that.... if i were to pick up a woman in a bar and fuck her once, B will take a weekend and have her bf and her lover arrange a gangbang, a swing club visit, an overnight threesome; she could easily fuck 40 guys in a weekend. and that's only what i can be sure of and know for a fact. she doesn't believe what i tell her now, so undoubtedly there'll be many weeks/weekends when she'll be having all that simply because she thinks i'm having sex and lying to her about it. or just because she wants to.

i imagine a "reasonable person" would read this and think "what the fuck?". i can see that. but that person doesn't know the B that i know. they don't know what it's like when she opens her heart and soul to me and beckons me to her. they don't know the richness and the feeling of finally being complete when you mesh so completely with another person - with your soulmate.

that's what she is, truly - my soulmate.