B and i, again

sigh....

a day off to a tough start because of her overnight reactions to last nights conversation.... a good day once we got past that...

actually, a damn good day.

my job recently ended. because my work is a bit of a niche, i almost never find work in the same city - at least, i haven't for the last 8 years. actually, since 94 i haven't had two consecutive jobs or careers in the same city.

anyway, so the job hunt had begun, begrudgingly, because what i wanted to do was to go to B's area, hang out there, see her everyday and build us back to the point where she'd want to be an us again. i have enough money that without working i could go three months. throw some kind of job, even low paying, into the mix and the bleeding slows down and i might be able to go as long as six months, maybe more.

the fly in the ointment is that she can't stand the thought of seeing me. the hurts and pains are still too new (about 10 weeks now) and, in her words, the thought of seeing me "disgusts" her. we've gone around and around about this; i think me being there, her starting to see me (and hopefully not see -him- or at least cut it down) would do what we (well, i, anyway - she has a hard time seeing if "us" is something she can even consider again) want - allow us to rebuild and get together, permanently. she thinks it'd be the worst thing for us, that it wouldn't help, that it'd only be bad for me to blow through my money. she has the final say, of course.

so it turns out that i got a job. a job not in this state (B's and my home state), not in her area, but in another state. the same state the whore lives in. not only that, but a three hour drive from the whore. obviously, this concerns me, worries me that B will think that being that close to the whore will allow (make?) that relationship to grow and make us (B and i) not possible. this is not what i want, not what i want to do. B wants me to maintain that relationship, saying that she and i aren't a given, i don't do well alone, we don't know what will happen with us, etc.

a lengthy discussion about what would/could/might happen if i take that job, the effect it'd have on us ensued, taking up the last hour or so of our talk time today. it was kind of heated, but not an "argument" per se, just a heated discussion about things that could happen. we ran out of time before we could fully recover from, come back from that "arms crossed" place. i hate when we end like that, as i never know where she'll take those thoughts overnight.

and in what can only be described as -her-, B called me on her way home. called to say that she hated ending like that, didn't want us to end like that. she is amazing, her compassion and love and whatever it is that makes her who she is, is amazing.

i don't deserve her, but i want her. that's correct but not complete: i want -us-. i know, as she does, that the us that her and i would make would be amazing.... far beyond the sum of the parts. with any luck, the friendship that she and i share and the time her and i will spend talking over the next few months, will heal her enough that she'll be open to having us again.