for shame

months since my last post. years of things have transpired.

bottom line: i hurt her again. AGAIN. this time worse than ever.

and then, she called me late one monday night, just a few weeks ago. called me late, like 2am. she was, unfortunately, leaving -him- after a night of fun and going to meet bf, but still.. she called. she -wanted- to call, wanted to talk to me. we talked for some time.. 45 minutes or so.

and hope springs again.

we're talking. a lot. good talks, too. this week, she agreed not to fuck him and to give us the time to talk instead. that's big. she sees him a LOT. and she gave that up for the week.

last week we talked one night for 7-1/2 hours. that's a work day. and we -talked-. we talked like the saturdays we had a long time ago. then, almost every saturday for quite some time, we'd have 2 to 6 hours to talk. and it was a large part of our connecting, of building who we were and would become. last week's talk was just like that. there was nothing forced, nothing faked and not just skim-the-surface type stuff either. we talked. we connected. we clicked. we were -us-. and just like those saturdays, when it was time to go, we were amazed at how much time had elapsed and how quickly it'd flown by.

just a couple months ago, i made a stupid, stupid mistake and hurt her. again. for the THIRD time. she should not even be talking to me.

and now? now i dare to hope that she'll turn to face us again, that she might -want- us again. which means that the future "us" that was destined to happen could still happen. it needs to happen. how can it not?

i've shaken her faith in what we've always referred to as "us". she's changed (lessened) her view of what she thinks us means to me, of what she means to me. she's hurt tremendously, deep in her soul.

as much as i might wish it to be different (faster), -if- she can want us again, it'll take time. which brings back my fears of years gone by of "no end in sight" to the waiting. she's going to continue to fuck him (and many, many others) and bf and her girlfriends. and strangers. and gangbangs. and every single thing she tells me about, or hints about or doesn't tell me about will put another dagger in my heart.

and if she'll have me, i'm hers.