the FUCK was i thinking?

we all have our particular skills and talents, don't we?

mine seems to be hurting B, pushing her away, pissing her off.

drawing her close, getting her to want me, want to see me isn't one of them.

convincing her to do something she is dead set against doing certainly isn't one of 'em.

and the thing is? what the FUCK was i thinking?

she's traveling in the near future. just a couple days, but it's without bf. now, over the course of our relationship, there's been three, maybe four times when she's been apart from bf for a night. on two of those, -he- got to go to her house and spend the night fucking her. -him- and who knows how many others. so here comes the fourth time she'll be apart from bf, for an overnight, in the almost six years we've known each other.

she wasn't able to see me before i left our state for this job. she hasn't even let me see her, in any new pictures or on skype. yet there was a possibility, she even said so, that she might have me meet her when she traveled.

so the time is drawing near. i've already arranged a day off from my new job. last night we talked about it again. she can't do it. can't stand the thought of seeing me. it disgusts her. and here's the (not so) funny part: i got mad at her. i explained how rare an opportunity this is; she knows. i told her i didn't expect any fucking, just talking; she knows. i explained how great it'd be for us to be able to sit and talk and see each other for all that time, be in the same room, be away from everything else, in a neutral place; she knows.

she also knows she doesn't want to see me. can't see me.

which brings me back to my original question: what the fuck was i thinking? she won't even let me see a new -PICTURE- of her, won't let me see her on grainy, broken, shitty voip video.

but somehow i thought she'd want to see me in PERSON?

self delusion is a powerful thing.