a day at a time

we're making progress, i think. i can feel her close. now if i can only work on getting my shit together before she gets completely fed up with me.

yesterday was a strange day. i'm alternately elated at having her -want- to be close and rebuild our relationship, and then instants later i feel totally, completely despondent, hopeless.

but g-d knows i love her. like i've never loved anyone before. like i didn't know it was possible to love a woman. like i've only dreamed it could be. only two steps away from nirvana - her loving me the same way, and then her deciding to be with me.

only two things. one the size of a galaxy, the other the size of the universe.

but i can hope.

Her To-Do list is full and i'm not on it...

It's well over an hour since she's been (or shoulda been) in the office. Almost three days since we talked...

I've been chomping at the bit since I woke to hear from her, to reconnect.

but i can't stand out in her mind above all the rest of the stuff that wants her attention.

fuck.

reality check.

Life 3, week 1

It happened again. I was -sure-, positive she'd call this weekend. I had a slight feeling it'd be Saturday morning, a very strong feeling in the late afternoon/early evening, and a strong feeling tonight. But no. It was all just wishful thinking.

I'm here in this life now for a week. Everyday has seemed so long, even so hard. B and i are talking pretty often, more than i expected (and always less than i want). and we've had some pretty good talks.

Fridays' talk especially was ?significant?. Not in that it portended anything else for me/us, but we really talked about relationships and her and bf. she's so unhappy, so torn. she knows it and knows what to do about it but she can't bring herself to act.

but we've been talking. and talking frankly and honestly, like two people who are to each other what we are to each other should be talking. i don't know that i help or have anything meaningful to add, but i think if nothing else i'm a safe place for her to vent. i try to be very objective in any kind of suggestion or advice i give and i think i am, for the most part, even though i want her so much, even though i see my soulmate slipping away from me, trying hard to stay with someone else.

Does life ever stop being one of loss? i've lost, time and again, one loss after another, everything, for the last three years. I lost my marriage (yes, my decision, i know) of many years and with that the feeling of family, the sense of belonging (to some degree), a house, a life, my dogs, my daughter. I feel like i've now lost the state that had been my home for 12 years and where i thought i'd live the rest of my life. i've lost the familiarity of the place. the job i'd been working on for 20 months ended. i lost when i tried to make a living at real estate. i lost the gamble and had to take another job. i lost my friend-with-benefits. i lost the familiarity of the routines and the places of that part of my life. i'm here in a new state, a new city, a new job, with practically nothing.

but even worse, i've lost B. from the very beginning, i never doubted that we'd be together. never. while i still have a hope, a wish that that could be true, i have to accept that it's not. she is my love, my -one-, my soulmate. i'll say i've cried myself to sleep every night i've been here, mourning the loss of her. it's not literally true, but i have, every night, thought of it a great deal and it chokes me up and makes my heart so heavy. it makes me hate a world so unfair, so blind to what should be. and yet i know that if it really was so right -for her- that she'd see it. but she doesn't. she acknowledges that it'd be good, but not good enough for her to leave.

and so it's sunday evening; we haven't talked for about 53 hours and won't for another 13 or so. she's spent another weekend with her lover, her partner. they went out, they ate, they drank, they laughed, watched tv together. they had sex, they slept together, woke up together, walked the dog. it's sunday evening and i've spent untold minutes since we last talked thinking about her, wondering what she was doing, whether i'd crossed her thoughts, even for a second. i'll think about her tonight as i go to sleep alone and when i wake up tomorrow. tomorrow i'll watch the clock wondering when she'll think to call, when she'll have a minute.

why couldn't i be the one for her, as she is for me?

i don't know how i can make it through tonight, tomorrow, this week. how do i live another forty years not having her?

Exercise, week ending 9/3/05

Mon:
bike: 17 mins.
swim: 6 laps

Tues:
bike: 20 mins
swim: 6 laps

Wed:
worked late.

Thurs:
AM Workout!!
bike: 22 mins.
pushups: 10
situps: 5, plus curls? 3 times all i could do (an embarrasingly small number)

Fri:

Sat:

Sun:

Exercise and stuff

So because I'm not studly and athletic and muscular (yet more reasons B won't have me), i've gotta start exercising, doing something.

Wed:
bike 10 mins, about 1.5 miles
swim 5 laps

Thurs:
bike 15 mins about 2.5 miles
swim 5 laps

Fri:
bike 15 mins, 2.5 miles
swim 6 laps

Sat:
moving and such, plenty of exercise!

Sun:
more moving stuff
swim 6 laps

Cut!

I can't do this. I'm not strong enough.

I'm not strong enough to start over. Or to be alone. I don't have the strength to be happy or the energy to be unhappy.

I don't have the strength to watch her be so unhappy in her life and yet be so unwilling to change it. Whether I'm watching her be unhappy or just know that it's so, it'll slowly destroy me. So beautiful, so warm and loving, so giving, her soul has so much to live for, so much to give to the world, to someone special. Why is she so committed to being unhappy with him?

Another day. Another piece of me withers and dies for lack of her.

Life - take ?3?, day 1

A new city, new state, new job, new place to live. The past falls away and the future looms ahead.

I have no reason to think otherwise, but i'm irrationally afraid that B won't be in my life tomorrow. It's stupid, but still... Then again, I really, really thought we'd be together, in some fashion, by now. Whether that means we'd have met or be lovers or be partners, I'm not sure, but I really thought we'd be together by now. Instead, I'm having to accept the likelihood of a future where I never see her, never know her, never hold her. No matter what possibilities the future may bring, never having her makes it so bleak.

Yet in a way I'm anxious for tomorrow to get here. Getting to this point has taken so long, the last few weeks have dragged on interminably slowly. On the other hand, what do I care if tomorrow ever gets here? I still won't have B any closer to me, still won't ever feel her breath on my face, hear her sigh in my ear, feel her kiss on my face. I suppose this is what someone who wakes up after an accident to find they're paralyzed feels like; another day's bittersweet dawn.

I suppose that as the months wear on and the finality, the reality of our never meeting sinks in it'll hurt less, the sense of overwhelming loss will somehow lessen, although it's hard to imagine that that could or will happen.

If only she would see me. If only she were a little bit stronger she'd be able to leave. If only she'd put her happiness, put the importance of the whole rest of her life ahead of his feelings. If only this were more to her. If only, if only, if only.

But it's not.

So she's in the life she won't leave, not living a life she wants. And I'm here living a life I don't want, would leave without hesitation.

And neither of us really has what we want.

certainty. uncertainty.

B said something to me today that really scared/bothered me. She said "you really don't know me anymore, do you?" Iin chat i'd said to her "I hate weekends". I said that because it's gotten to the point where I really do hate weekends - because it's 2 days of not talking to her, of being completely unable to contact her. Ever since we've been unable to talk on the weekends, i've enjoyed them less and less and I hate their approach. I like friday afternoons because we often get some time to talk. I hate friday afternoons because as every second ticks by I know that our time is evaporating and that soon she'll be gone again for another intolerably long weekend.

Anyway, she responded "me too". This was in chat, while we were also on the phone. I said "but for different reasons", which is when she said I don't really know her anymore. What were my thoughts? I know that being away from her is why I hate the weekends. My first thought was a ?hope? that she hated them for the same reason - because we're out of touch. But I don't know. My next thought was that she doesn't like all the time to be with bf. But that seems self-aggrandizing to me; she wants to be there. Not with him, I don't think, even though she admits to loving him, but I think she just wants that -life-, the comforts, the familiarity, the routines.

I thought I knew what she wanted. I thought she wanted me, wanted to see me, to be lovers and even more. I thought she was on the verge of it, on the verge of meeting, even fed up enough at home to be ready to leave. But then it seemed as though she'd decided not to see me, decided that she couldn't (and wouldn't) leave him even though she wasn't getting what she wanted there, seemed as though she just became resigned to living an empty life there, not getting the emotional, intellectual or physical stimulation she wants.

If that's the truth, then I have to think i'm wrong in what I think are her thoughts, wants and feelings, don't I? And the hurt, the pain, the emptiness of not having her becomes too much.

But what if I'm right? what if what i think are her thoughts really are her thoughts, wants, wishes? what if all along i've been right? what if she really does want me but just can't get to that point in her head yet, can't take the actions required to get us together?

and what if i'm wrong?

call me insane

I try. I try to keep it together because the last thing sehe needds is to have any more stress from my shit.

She keeps apologizing to me. Fuck. She has nothing to apologize for,,why does she think she does? She's my angel, my love and all i do is create more stress for her, put more pressure into her life.

She thinks i'm disappointed in her, when nothing could be further from the truth. I'm disappointed, yes. But what I'm disappointed in is that her dreams aren't my dreasm. I dreamed of her, of us together, of closenes and intemacy and times spent together. I hoped that those were her dreams too, and they were. Just that the recipient of her hopes and wishes isn't me. It's him. I'm one end of the classic love triangel, but not the end that she's facing. he gets that position.

and tonight my daughter cancelled our get together. i drove 1000 miles to see her. i haven't seen her in ?3 months?. but she had other things to do.

so the two women in my life who mean more to me than anything don't want me. at least, not the way i want them. my daughter loves me, i'm sure. but it's ?too painful? to have me around, i guess. B loves me, I'm sure of it. But it's too painful to have me because to do so she'd have to give up things she doesnt' want to give up.

i know i've lost. i nkow she's -there- and that here with me is not where she is or is going to be. i should give up, stop making her feel any pressure, let her know that she should be where she wants to be, that it's okay, that it's her life and she deserves to be happy. i ffel like i giving up. liek i should stop interfereing in her life.

but how do you do that? when you've found her, found the one, how do you accept that she's what you've searched for all your life, but that you're not what she's searched for? it's like king arthur pulling the sword from the stone and vanquishing all the evil from the empire, only to have the queen say "but you're not the one".

They say that the definition of "insane" is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Call me insane.

I can't stop.

If there's a one in a billion, one in a trillion chance that -someday- she might have me, how can i do anything but be here?

I love her.

and today... nothing

And today, nothing. No contact.

Is she okay? Or is she just "done"?

Is this a test? Maybe she's fed up with me.

Maybe she's sick.

I know she's busy, she's always busy. But she's always found time to IM or a quick call hello.

Is she telling me that this is the way it's going to be from now on?

What do I do?

Now what?

I've finally done it. I've pushed her and pressured her for two years, even though she's told me time and again that she can't give me anything she hasn't promised and she's never promised to meet me. It's all but carved in stone now that that won't happen.

It's like being notified that instead of winning the lottery, you've been disqualified from ever playing again.

It's really kinda bizarre because instead of crying and drowning in my own self-induced misery (not that many sleepless hours last weekend weren't spent that way), instead I'm just feeling kinda numb about it. I'm scared of what'll happen when the reality of it really hits me. It feels like I have to eat every meal for the rest of my life with a spork; I'll get enough to get a taste and to live, but never be satisfied, never really enjoy the whole meal.

I'll never get to meet her. Kiss her. Hold her. Hear her laugh. Make love to her. Fuck her. Tie her up. Shower with her. Take her to a bar. Never get to eat pizza with her. Never watch her wake up. Never watch her step back and look at the flowers she's just planted. Never comfort her when she's sick or worried or tired.

I have wanted her almost from the very first time we spoke. It's all I've wanted. She's all I've wanted.

I can't believe that I'll never see her. The fullness of life that I thought lay ahead of me was a mirage, now shimmered away to nothingness.

The real shame, my shame, is that I've hurt her life. She's feeling lost and confused. She was lost and searching for something when we met. Together I thought we'd both looked for and found things we were looking for. I thought -I- helped her. I thought -I- was one of the things she was searching for.

If she can keep me in her life as her friend, now that my pressuring her to meet is gone, perhaps now I can really be a friend to her. All I have to do is to help her rebuild her relationship with the man that she loves too much to leave. Sounds silly, but she loves him too much to cheat on him with me, yet she's not really happy there. So I can try to help her live a life she's not happy with, or if she comes to the decision herself, help her be strong enough to leave him and find someone else. It just won't be me.

What do I do with all this love and desire for her that I still have inside? I don't think she'll even let me tell her I love her.

Some thoughts...

She's back. She's been away on business travel for a few days and out of touch.

But she's back. It's great to hear her voice again.

Something feels different though. It could be my imagination, it could be her normal slight closed off-ness after being outta touch for a while. It could be that she and bf had a great time (yeah, he fucking went with her) together and she's feeling very close to him. It could just be my paranoia.

And in another coincidence, the other woman was out of the office for 3 days too. Also in San Antonio.

----------

She called me Friday night, late. Told me her life was "empty". An empty shell, that it looked great from the outside but that inside there was nothing. She said she'd left. More like just had to get out, because she didn't take clothes or anything and was going back. We had a few brief moments to talk, maybe 10 minutes total over 3 calls. She never really elaborated much beyond that. When she had to quickly go just a couple of minutes into the third call, I had a feeling that was the last call.

Late Saturday she called and left me a message (I -just- missed getting the phone). She said she wanted to see if I was okay, that she was fine. FINE? She tells me her life is empty and 22 hours later tells me she's "fine"?? What the fuck is that?

She also said she wouldn't have a chance to call me the next day. How could she know that? Was she just telling me that so she wouldn't have to think about it? So there'd be no ?expectation? on her to call? Her tomorrow became so planned out that she KNEW she wouldn't have 5 minutes to make a quick call? Does that mean that if an opportunity presented itself she wouldn't take it?

--------

I have a job offer, finally. I'm actually waiting on another one, for a lot more money though, that may come today or tomorrow. If not, guess I'll have to take the one. Both are in other cities/states. I knew that would happen, as there's just no work here. Both put me much further away from B. That bothered me a lot, because I thought (probably just my over active imagination) that we were close to meeting and I'd hoped to find a job within driving distance of her. Neither of these are. She says it doesn't matter - six hours driving or six hours flying, what's the difference. She says the distance between us has no effect. I'm beginning to believe (accept?) that the physical distance doesn't make a difference.

I don't think she's going to meet me.

I don't think she's going to leave him, either. I think she's surrendered her future, given up the life she wants to have for the comforts of the life she has now. That makes me so sad.

----------

For the second time in four months, I feel like everything's coming at me at once, too many things to handle. I have to sell a duplex a friend bought because I suggested it. He doesn't live here so I've been handling the property. Had a sale and if just fell through. Have to sell a property that my friend-with-benefits bought as an investment/flip. Was hoping that would sell before I left but it doesn't look like it. Have to move to a new state. Have to try to get home to see my daughter. Have to leave here, which even though I don't really like this city/state, I have lived here almost two years and it's familiar if nothing else. Have to leave my friend-with-benefits. Have to give up sex - it may be months or more before I see another woman in my bed... assuming I can even meet one. Have to start a job. Have to pack and move all my shit (not that it's so much, but still...).

I feel like there's so much I have to do. So much I should be doing. And I can't do anything, it's like I'm paralyzed. Caught in the headlights.

All that would be enough. All that makes me feel like I'm boxed in, surrounded by thugs coming to beat me to a pulp.

And on top of it all, I feel like B is slipping away from me, like I'm losing her.

While I feel like there's no way I can handle everything, I know that one day at a time, I'll get by.

But losing her.... I don't know if I can handle that. But I don't really have a choice, don't have any say in it. It's all her decision.

He wins.

I lose.

I'm losing her more everyday.

It's so hard on me to not have her, not have her trust me enough to even tell me her name, to finally, after two years, to open up to me.

But it's not just that, it's a whole confluence of things.

Certainly her lack of trust in me is a biggie. She says she needs to maintain control, but really, after two years, control of what? If I was going to interfere in her life somehow, out her to bf or something, I could certainly have done it by now. So it has to be a trust thing. And the lack of trust cracks the surface of love and lets so many other doubts in. Is this real for her? Does she really feel like she says she does? Maybe I already know who she is but she can't tell me because it's too hard to admit that she's lied to me for so long. Maybe, maybe, maybe. None of these doubts are credible to me, but her lack of trust in me (me, who'd do -anything- for her! me!) gives them their second to infiltrate my mind.

With trust goes things like pictures. If you loved someone, wouldn't you want them to be able to see pictures of you? Wouldn't you -want- to send them shots fairly regularly? Here's me at the , my new haircut, cutting the grass, at a party. I would. I do. I send her pics probably every month or so. I don't think it's a conceit thing, it's just that I think "she loves me, so she'd want to see these". But she doesn't want me to have pics. So what's that mean? Why still hiding?

Getting together, becoming lovers for real. Next week she's on travel. Strictly by coincedence, I'm going to be in the same state on travel. I could extend my stay, rent a car and we could spend two days/nights together. A perfect opportunity. Ok, not 100% perfect, but 95%+ perfect. She won't do it. It wasn't her idea. It's me pressuring her. It's a situation that would give us more time together, with less possible interference from bf, than -any- opportunity we'd have if she was home and i went there. But it's not to be. She's feeling guilty; she can justify the phone relationship we have now, but can't "cross that line". I wonder if he'd feel better knowing that she and I have never fucked, only that she loves me?

I wish I could get her to understand how much pressure and stress would be lifted from our relationship (fine, i admit, primarily from me, but from her side too) if she would stop hiding from me. There's things, work things, I could do for her during the day. I know it's not much, but 4 or 5 things I do for her that each take 15 minutes frees her up a whole hour, either to get other things done and catch up, or to time for us to talk. But she can't. She won't.

The sexual relationship we (would) have is something she wants. At least, the -type- of relationship. She's told me how she's sad because she feels she'll have to live without it and she feels like it's such a big part of her, of who she is, of what she wants. I tell her she can have it - not just with me, but all she has to do is -do it-. Make him learn to give her what she wants; she says he can't. So move on, B! Come to me or find someone else who can give you want you want, what you need. But she's so afraid to hurt him, so attached to the comforts of that life that she can't see herself leaving. I always thought it was partly the financial aspects that kept her there. I'm afraid it's more of a reason than I thought, and more of a reason than she'll admit.

She has less time for me than ever. Admittedly, her work is changing and she's having to take on more stuff. But she won't stay as late because he gives her shit. She won't have another phone. She won't call me on Tuesday evenings or Saturdays or anytime on the weekends. She won't take time to read emails. Won't chat or email from home. All things she used to do. Maybe she's right - she said not too long ago that because I'm available to her all the time, I devalue the time, make it less special.

My heart will never be the same without her.

What's the point?

Something many people don't realize, and I suppose I didn't either until recently, is that there's a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live.

First off, I'm not suicidal, so nobody call 911.

I don't want to die. Not at all. It holds no great allure, no promise of release from pain or whatever. But I don't really have any interest in living either. There's nothing really to live -for-, ya know?

Career? Nah. I've never really had a desire or need to leave my professional mark on the world, or to try to acheive nirvana through working. Working was always a way to money and money a way to a comfortable life. Working's easier when it's tolerable, though, so I've been lucky enough to pretty much always have decent work.

Wealth? Not so much. Everyone wants to have more money, to be "rich". Who couldn't use a few extra bucks. Okay admittedly, money is VERY tight right now and probably will be for the rest of my life, but, ok. I'll probably be able to get by, more or less.

Love? Not any more. I've found her. For two years I thought there was a chance we could bring this wonderful connection together, grow it into the relationship that it could be. This connection brought so much promise, carried in it the hope of something so special, so deep and loving and -honest-. So right.

But that's not gonna happen. She hasn't said it yet, but I feel a change in her. She hasn't vocalized the words, probably not even to herself and I don't think she's made a -decision- per se, but I feel that in her heart, she's accepted that she's staying where she is and that she'll never give us the chance to see what we could have had together.

So now what?

Work, money, love. What else is there? Frankly, if you have the love, the other two don't matter nearly as much. And what good are the other two if you don't have the love?

So back to my original statement. It's not that I want to die, but I have no desire to live this life, either.

Reality, interrupted

There's something radically wrong with the cosmos. And it's so unfair.

She says she likes having me in her life. That I make her happy. That she can see what it would be like together and that it'd be good.

She says he doesn't really make her happy. That for the rest of her life with him, what is now is what it'll be like. And she's not happy.

But she won't see me. Won't meet me. Won't be my lover. Won't take a chance on creating her own happiness and making a life with me.

But she won't leave him. She won't hurt him "like that". It seems to come down to she won't leave simply because she doesn't think leaving one relationship for another is a good idea. She won't leave for a fucking principle.

She won't look at what she wants, see where she wants her life to go, follow her heart to where happiness might be by leaving somewhere where she knows it's NOT.

So she'll live a life with him until she simply can't stand it anymore. In a kind of cosmic irony, he'll be the happiest one of the three of us. He won't be as happy as he could be, because I don't think he'll ever have all of her. But at most he'll feel that perhaps there could be more, a nagging feeling that there might be more in life.

But he'll have her as his partner, lover, probably wife, probably mother of his children.

She'll be, on average, about what she is now. Not happy, by a long shot, but not terrible either. She can live a life with him without putting much effort into it. Little pain, little risk, little effort. The highs might not be so high, but at least the lows won't be so low, either. She'll eventually take a lover or lovers. They'll talk less than they do now.

I'll be miserable. And alone. Not in solitude, for I'm sure I'll have lovers now and then, maybe even friends. But I'll never have her. And I'll never have another relationship like this one. Having found the person that I -want- to talk to, -want- to listen to, -want- to fucking LIVE a life with, I have to somehow learn to live without her.

How can you do that?

I have a terrible feeling that because she won't see me, eventually she won't be able to let me stay in her life, either. I believe she wants to make us real as much as I do. But she won't, so as to not hurt him "like that". I think the consequences of her self-denial will eventually make her too sad. I believe that the guilt she feels for keeping me in her life now, as confidant, lover, friend will also weigh on her. Between the guilt she feels for lying to him to keep me (but if it's important enough to her to keep me in her life that she'll lie to him, why won't she make us real??) and her ?sadness? at her own decision to not meet, I think I'll be too painful for her to keep around.

I think I'd rather meet her and have her tell me that she was completely wrong about me, that I"m an asshole and there's no fucking way she'd ever be with me than to have her deaden her own future, and mine, rather than hurt him. She should let him go, let him find someone else to love, someone who will find in him all they're looking for. She doesn't; she finds him lacking. Yet she stays. Otherwise, I have to go through life thinking we would have been great together.

Just not great enough for her to want.

Happy Anniversary

Two years. Unbelieveable.

Friday was our anniversary. What a great day. Of course I wish we could have spent it in each others' arms instead of on the phone, but nevertheless...

She is the most sensual, sexual, erotic woman.

I want her. I love her.

B, I love you.

Countdown to two

The countdown continues. Our two year anniversary is two days away.

Two years. Amazing. Seems like no time at all, yet it seems like I've known her all my life.

Two years. Wow.

A year ago today is probably the day she cancelled the ticket she had to fly out to meet me. She was going to surprise me for our first anniversary, fly to me, spend a day and a night together. Now she's glad she didn't do it. She still won't give me a picture. Or tell me her name.

I guess it's time for me to give up the fantasy that she's arranged a meeting for us this year.

We've talked about our anniversary. She knows I sent her a package yesterday. I wonder if she knows it's Saturday? I wonder if she knows the time?

I wonder if she knows how much I need her, need to meet her.

I wonder if she knows how much I love her. I think she does, at some level, but I think she pushes it out of her mind, doesn't want to know, doesn't want to think about it. Probably prefers not to know.

What do I do?

WTF is wrong with me?

I'm destined to fuck this up.

I get wrapped up in feeling bad, or feeling bad for myself. And it just spirals downward, out of control until I'm lost, completely and utterly lost.

And today I'm saying half-things to her, i can't make the words right, can't put together thoughts that make sense, instead she hears them as accusations or something which just makes it worse which just sends me spinning faster and farther out of control.

I think she doesn't understand how I feel, but the truth of the matter is that doesn't matter. Whether she does or not, it doesn't matter, because her understanding how I feel isn't even a factor at the stage of the relationship that we're in. She's giving me all of her and all of her life that she's willing to give. She won't take time away from them or him, won't IM or email me from home, won't call more often on weekends - because she's gving me all that she wants me to have.

It's me that doesn't understand. I'm not going to have her. She's doesn't want to give any more than she's already giving. She has a life, a love, a partner and she doesn't want to jeopardize that.

It's me that doesn't understand. She's taken. She might like me, like what we share, even fantasize about what else there could be, but she loves him. Loves their life together.

I can't have her and I can't give her up.

Can't live with her and don't want to live without her.

Can't be her lover and can't stand not being her lover.

These lyrics come to mind ... "she'll take away your pain, like a bullet to your brain". Being able to be to her what I wish I could be to her would take away my pain. Not having her is like a bullet to the brain.

Maybe that's what I need.

I never knew love could be this intense, this fulfilling. Or that not having it could be this painful. I always thought true love would prevail. Always. So either this isn't true love for her or I've been believing another bullshit fairy tale for most of my adult life.

Maybe it is true love for her. It's just not me that she loves.

Some people believe they don't deserve to be happy. I want to be happy, but then I guess even the lowest low life does too, don't they? The wicked stepmother drilled into my head for years that I was no good, would never amount to anything, didn't deserve anything.

I'm beginning to believe that I don't deserve happiness. Certainly, having found it, I can see it, almost touch it, I just can't have it.

It's payback for all the bad karma I've created. I don't deserve it. Won't have it.

Maybe it's better. At least I won't fuck up her life too.

I want her more than ever

We have to get together. I want it so much, want her. I know she wants it too although she's not sure she wants it to happen.

We have to. We are so alike in what we want. Almost perfectly complementary. What I want to do to her, she wants to experience. She wants to do the things I want her to do.

While I'm talking about sex right now, it applies to the rest of our lives, too.

But sexually... we belong together.

For that matter, mentally we belong together too.

Assorted thoughts

Assorted thoughts...

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Weekend calls.
She hates it when things are expected between two people. I don't expect her to call me over the weekend. I know she can't unless she gets a chance to get out alone for a few minutes. On the other hand, I do think she wants to talk to me as much as I want to talk to her. I don't -demand- that she call me if she gets the slightest chance. But if she wants to talk to me like i think she does, then i would think she would call given a chance. So what should I think? Should I think she got NO opportunity, that over two and a half days there was no time when she was out shopping or errand-running by herself? Seems unlikely. Or should I just accept that it's not as important to her as I'd hope it is and that while she was out it just didn't occur to her? More likely, but not an explanation i want to think of.

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Anniversaries.
B and I have talked several times about how our interpretation of time is different. I believe it's related to our ages; I'm much older than she and I seem to feel time moving by much quicker, I feel more 'urgency' to ?resolve? our relationship, whereas she's much younger and feels no urgency about the passing of time. The second anniversary of our first telephone call is this saturday. Sometime this week would be the 2nd anniversary of our first chat, and last week of our first emails. To me, it's a big deal. I can't believe that I'm in a love relationship with a woman and I've never met her, have no personal pictures of her, don't know her name or anything about her life, can't call her and yet I love her, would pack my worldly possessions and go to her immediately if she were to ask it.

On our first anniversary, she'd made secret plans to come to me, to spend a night and a day with me, to meet each other and make this real. I fucked that up and it didn't happen. Anyway, here we are with another anniversary looming. It's been on my mind daily for about three months. I have a fairly persistent fantasy that she'd try to arrange for us to get together this anniversary. But I think she's more set than ever on not meeting, at least not in the foreseeable future. I know I'm setting myself up for a huge disappointment and I just know that this weekend is going to be a very, very difficult one for me. A good weekend to tell everyone else that cares (an exceedingly small number) that I'm sick and staying in this weekend. And spend the weekend with some 80 proof medication and memories and fantasies.

Anyway, the thing that bothers me is that she's never even mentioned it. I'm not sure she'd even know it was coming if I hadn't mentioned it. Why? Is it not important to you B? It's one of the most significant dates in my life.

Old men. Old men with fantasies.

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Verbal Foreplay
We've all heard many times before that women need more foreplay than men. Also, that sexual foreplay isn't the only foreplay, that women want conversation, connection, interaction. I have to admit that I've always considered myself a pretty considerate lover and pretty understanding of the concept of foreplay, both sexual and non.

But now I know.

Friday afternoon B and I had time to talk. Thursday I'd asked her to wear a skirt on Friday; in the past I've asked her to wear something in particular or bring something to work, whatever. She has done it once or twice, but I knew that this would not be one of those times. I also knew, on Thursday, that there would be no sex on Friday, that I would not even attempt it. This is not to say we wouldn't talk about sex, just that we wouldn't have phone sex.

We didn't. But we talked. And talked. We were animated, the talk flowing fast and free. We talked about books, movies, plans, everything and nothing. And now I understand the statement about other things being "more" than just foreplay. When we hung up Friday, I felt -so- connected, so in tune, so turned on. So hungry for her.

But too late for me. She was already on her way home. To him.