I've finally done it. I've pushed her and pressured her for two years, even though she's told me time and again that she can't give me anything she hasn't promised and she's never promised to meet me. It's all but carved in stone now that that won't happen.
It's like being notified that instead of winning the lottery, you've been disqualified from ever playing again.
It's really kinda bizarre because instead of crying and drowning in my own self-induced misery (not that many sleepless hours last weekend weren't spent that way), instead I'm just feeling kinda numb about it. I'm scared of what'll happen when the reality of it really hits me. It feels like I have to eat every meal for the rest of my life with a spork; I'll get enough to get a taste and to live, but never be satisfied, never really enjoy the whole meal.
I'll never get to meet her. Kiss her. Hold her. Hear her laugh. Make love to her. Fuck her. Tie her up. Shower with her. Take her to a bar. Never get to eat pizza with her. Never watch her wake up. Never watch her step back and look at the flowers she's just planted. Never comfort her when she's sick or worried or tired.
I have wanted her almost from the very first time we spoke. It's all I've wanted. She's all I've wanted.
I can't believe that I'll never see her. The fullness of life that I thought lay ahead of me was a mirage, now shimmered away to nothingness.
The real shame, my shame, is that I've hurt her life. She's feeling lost and confused. She was lost and searching for something when we met. Together I thought we'd both looked for and found things we were looking for. I thought -I- helped her. I thought -I- was one of the things she was searching for.
If she can keep me in her life as her friend, now that my pressuring her to meet is gone, perhaps now I can really be a friend to her. All I have to do is to help her rebuild her relationship with the man that she loves too much to leave. Sounds silly, but she loves him too much to cheat on him with me, yet she's not really happy there. So I can try to help her live a life she's not happy with, or if she comes to the decision herself, help her be strong enough to leave him and find someone else. It just won't be me.
What do I do with all this love and desire for her that I still have inside? I don't think she'll even let me tell her I love her.
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About Me
- Student of Life
- Mid-life, divorced. My Description - Probably immature - "arrested development"? Probably selfish, self centered, emotionally immature. Insecure. Someone else's description: "a warm, interesting, stimulating, sincere, funny, sexual, imaginative, caring, giving man". You reconcile the two, I can't.
Cast of Characters
- me - 50ish, divorced. Married almost 18 years. I've discovered a lot about my own sexuality and what I want sexually. I found B in July 2003.
- B - female, 40. Was in a serious, live in love relationship for 14 years. Married for almost two years now. We made an almost instant sexual, emotional and intellectual connection. B is the most sexual, sensual woman I've ever known. She's professional, a business owner, strong, hard headed, stubborn, up standing.
- bf - B's
boyfriendhusband.
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