Life - take ?3?, day 1

A new city, new state, new job, new place to live. The past falls away and the future looms ahead.

I have no reason to think otherwise, but i'm irrationally afraid that B won't be in my life tomorrow. It's stupid, but still... Then again, I really, really thought we'd be together, in some fashion, by now. Whether that means we'd have met or be lovers or be partners, I'm not sure, but I really thought we'd be together by now. Instead, I'm having to accept the likelihood of a future where I never see her, never know her, never hold her. No matter what possibilities the future may bring, never having her makes it so bleak.

Yet in a way I'm anxious for tomorrow to get here. Getting to this point has taken so long, the last few weeks have dragged on interminably slowly. On the other hand, what do I care if tomorrow ever gets here? I still won't have B any closer to me, still won't ever feel her breath on my face, hear her sigh in my ear, feel her kiss on my face. I suppose this is what someone who wakes up after an accident to find they're paralyzed feels like; another day's bittersweet dawn.

I suppose that as the months wear on and the finality, the reality of our never meeting sinks in it'll hurt less, the sense of overwhelming loss will somehow lessen, although it's hard to imagine that that could or will happen.

If only she would see me. If only she were a little bit stronger she'd be able to leave. If only she'd put her happiness, put the importance of the whole rest of her life ahead of his feelings. If only this were more to her. If only, if only, if only.

But it's not.

So she's in the life she won't leave, not living a life she wants. And I'm here living a life I don't want, would leave without hesitation.

And neither of us really has what we want.