Life 3, week 1

It happened again. I was -sure-, positive she'd call this weekend. I had a slight feeling it'd be Saturday morning, a very strong feeling in the late afternoon/early evening, and a strong feeling tonight. But no. It was all just wishful thinking.

I'm here in this life now for a week. Everyday has seemed so long, even so hard. B and i are talking pretty often, more than i expected (and always less than i want). and we've had some pretty good talks.

Fridays' talk especially was ?significant?. Not in that it portended anything else for me/us, but we really talked about relationships and her and bf. she's so unhappy, so torn. she knows it and knows what to do about it but she can't bring herself to act.

but we've been talking. and talking frankly and honestly, like two people who are to each other what we are to each other should be talking. i don't know that i help or have anything meaningful to add, but i think if nothing else i'm a safe place for her to vent. i try to be very objective in any kind of suggestion or advice i give and i think i am, for the most part, even though i want her so much, even though i see my soulmate slipping away from me, trying hard to stay with someone else.

Does life ever stop being one of loss? i've lost, time and again, one loss after another, everything, for the last three years. I lost my marriage (yes, my decision, i know) of many years and with that the feeling of family, the sense of belonging (to some degree), a house, a life, my dogs, my daughter. I feel like i've now lost the state that had been my home for 12 years and where i thought i'd live the rest of my life. i've lost the familiarity of the place. the job i'd been working on for 20 months ended. i lost when i tried to make a living at real estate. i lost the gamble and had to take another job. i lost my friend-with-benefits. i lost the familiarity of the routines and the places of that part of my life. i'm here in a new state, a new city, a new job, with practically nothing.

but even worse, i've lost B. from the very beginning, i never doubted that we'd be together. never. while i still have a hope, a wish that that could be true, i have to accept that it's not. she is my love, my -one-, my soulmate. i'll say i've cried myself to sleep every night i've been here, mourning the loss of her. it's not literally true, but i have, every night, thought of it a great deal and it chokes me up and makes my heart so heavy. it makes me hate a world so unfair, so blind to what should be. and yet i know that if it really was so right -for her- that she'd see it. but she doesn't. she acknowledges that it'd be good, but not good enough for her to leave.

and so it's sunday evening; we haven't talked for about 53 hours and won't for another 13 or so. she's spent another weekend with her lover, her partner. they went out, they ate, they drank, they laughed, watched tv together. they had sex, they slept together, woke up together, walked the dog. it's sunday evening and i've spent untold minutes since we last talked thinking about her, wondering what she was doing, whether i'd crossed her thoughts, even for a second. i'll think about her tonight as i go to sleep alone and when i wake up tomorrow. tomorrow i'll watch the clock wondering when she'll think to call, when she'll have a minute.

why couldn't i be the one for her, as she is for me?

i don't know how i can make it through tonight, tomorrow, this week. how do i live another forty years not having her?