the facade crumbles

I don't know what to do baby. maybe you were right all along, maybe -this- IS all there is to life.
i realized after talking to you how wrong i am, in so many ways. i'm not the man for you. as much as i want to be, i don't think i can be. i can't, wouldn't be able to keep you satisfied - not any more than you are now, and probably less. you bought a house, -another- investment property. you didn't even remember it, didn't even think to tell me about it in three months. why? i think because it was no big deal to you. you knew he had it under control. you knew he'd handle it. and you knew when the time came, you'd jump into it, just another project with him. and you'd finish it, sell it, reap the rewards and move on.

i'm not that go-getter B. buying a house would be a huge deal to me. as would getting it done. but you simply expect it from yourself and you expect it from him. i think you'd grow quickly tired of me and dissatisfied and unhappy.

this got me to thinking about my life, where i am and where i might be heading. when you've wondered if "this is all there is" i always answered no, there's more. there's love and companionship and excitement and happiness. and i believed that. i still do, but with some caveats. maybe all that isnt quite what i thought it to be. maybe it's not the grandiose romantic vision i've believed and let you to believe. maybe it's just having a partner you can stand to stay with for many years. maybe a brother/friend type love is the best there is. maybe taking bike rides or runs together and having a nice place to live and doing things like investment properties is the best we can hope for. maybe i always envisioned so much more because i wanted (want) you so bad. -you- would make my life so much better. but the hell of it is, i dont think i'd make your life any better, and probably worse.

to finally have you and then to fail you, to find out that i'm not the man you thought, even worse, to have you find out that i'm not the man you thought i was - that's a failure i don't know i could face.