i did it again

why do i set myself up for disappointment? i know better yet i let hope get the better of me. hope and wishful thinking that i have some insight into what's unspoken, that i know what's in her heart, unspoken in what she says.

it was a good week. we connected, ?clarified? things that have been fuzzy for far too long, came to concensus on how things should be. we didn't end friday great. but she called just before she got home and we kinda made up/made it better.

so there was friday. and a three day weekend - 3 long days without her. and our closeness last week. and she knew i would be in the car for many hours today. so i expected her call. i had no reason to. she never said she would. if anything, has said she won't on the weekends. she so rarely gets a chance to. why would i expect this weekend to be different? well, because of our closeness last week, because we ended poorly on friday, because it was three long days apart, because she knew i'd be in the car for many hours today. i tell myself that because i know her, i know that this is what she'd be thinking, and i convince myself of its truth. but i -do- know her and i do know what she's probably thinking; it's just that i want to believe that it's about me, not him.

wishful thinking. why can't i just accept that she has a life. i want to think i'm a main part of it but the truth of the matter is that she spends a lot more time without me than with me. i get her during the week, during her work day. and then she's home to him and their life together. she spends many more hours with him. (that statement sounds so absurd - of course she does. they're lovers, life partners, she lives with him. why is that so hard to figure out?) physically close. seeing him, hearing him, touching him. they talk, they laugh, they do things together, they eat together, have a drink on the dock together, walk the dog together. they sleep together, have sex, wake up together. when she wakes frightened in the night, she turns to him, he's the one that gets to be there for her.

my schedule seems so opposite hers. i spend most of every day and all weekends and holidays wanting her, wishing we could be together, hoping for a two minute phone call, waiting impatiently for the next workday so i can actually have her, somewhat, for a few hours. hear her, write to her, know that occasionally i'm in her thoughts.

she's there with him. she has a life with him. she's smart and sexy and vibrant and alive and beautiful and sassy and i can't be a part of her life no matter how much i want it, no matter what i do. i would change my life, give her my life, my love, my attention, my devotion. it's hers for the asking. but she won't have it and i can't give it to her.

and still i've missed her so much.