monday in hell

i'm lost. i think she's lost.

i don't know what to do with this life, what to do without her, how to live my life with her a thousand miles away, never any closer than a phone. I want someone to share everything with, fun, sex, exploration, the excitement and the boredom of daily life. truthfully, i don't want someone else, i want it to be her. i've found in her a host of characteristics that complement me. where i lack she shines. where i am weak she is strong. she is my friend. i want more, i need more. she tells me she can't give more, can't be more to me, at least not in the life we're living right now. what does that mean? soon? someday? or that she can see it, won't say it'll never happen, just not likely?

she doesn't know what to do in her life. she's not happy. she doesn't ever see him giving her more of what she wants and needs. yet she won't leave, won't even consider leaving. instead she blames herself for not being able to be happy there. why won't she understand that sometimes two people aren't able to form that bond, that union where each can flourish? just because two people get together doesn't make it a good partnership. if it did, the divorce rate would be zero, people would forever stay with the -first- person they ever formed a love relationship with. i know she understands that, but i don't understand why she doesn't -see- it, why she thinks it doesn't apply to her. i'm sure it has a lot to do with the level of financial comfort they've acheived, along with her guilt over having been "caught" before.

we had a difficult day yesterday, which double sucked since it was monday. i told her that i miss her every minute starting from the minute we hang up on Fridays. by sunday night i'm chomping at the bit practically watching every minute on the clock tick by. monday mornings i race through the morning, invariably getting to work early, only to have to start another long wait. i always have it in my mind that because we've been apart all weekend that she'll want to hurry into work, want to get there early (and in my fantasy) rush into work, through down her bags and grab up the phone to call.

what do i do for her? i can't help her. can't get her to help herself. can't get her to even look at her situation realistically and honestly enough that she can make an objective decision on what to do that's best for -her-. she doesn't want to do anything that will hurt him in any way, his feelings, his emotions, his family, his friends. they all think they're such a great couple together, it's like she doesn't want to make anyone think they were wrong. so she gives up her future, her happiness.

fuck.