apparently, learning disabled

when will i learn?

i never fail to disappoint her. i should know by now that after returning from a weekend she can't and won't jump back to closeness. and yet i invariably ambush her with it, probably more than any other day, because it's what -i- need. after being apart from her, i need to reconnect, i need to feel her closeness, i need to know that i'm important to her.

it's all about my needs which stem not only from my love for her but from my insecurities. and like a self fulfilling prophesy, the very things i fear - her aloofness, her not wanting me, not wanting to be close to me - i cause to happen.

the more i want her, the more i push her away. the more i get crazy because she's so unhappy where she is and the plainer it is (to me anyway) that she needs to get out of that life, the more crazy i get and the crazier i get the more she sees me as crazy and is probably gladder and gladder that she never met me and the more i try to show her that if we were together i'd be different, the more she clings on to being where she's unhappy.

how can i go on knowing that she's so unhappy there? it seems that if i'm here and available she won't leave because she doesn't want to jump from one relationship to another. so because i'm available, she clings to her unhappiness. if i wasn't available, perhaps she'd be more able to leave, feeling she wasn't trading one for the other. but i also feel that she's too ?scared? to make the break with nothing to go to, with no support waiting for her.

so it would seem that i'm the exact thing she didn't need when she starting seeking answers two years ago. my presence keeps her there, and yet without the support (emotional and other) of a good friend, she can't bring herself to leave. so instead of finding answers she found no escape, found herself trapped in an empty life she doesn't want but can't bring herself to leave. she's willing to sacrifice her life and happiness to avoid hurting him.

fucking wonderful.

i'm such a good friend.