I really have no control. When things pop into my head that I think should be said, I do it. I might wait awhile, but once the thoughts' been thought, it's gonna get said, even if i think maybe i shouldn't or i should wait.
I had to ask her, even though I knew the answer. I was sure that hearing "no" would be handleable, that it'd be not a fatal blow. So I asked her "can I come see you". Fuck, what the hell is wrong with me? I knew what the answer would be, hoped for the other, but was sure I could handle it.
"no".
The cruelest, meanest, harshest word you could ever hear. It knocked the wind out of me. Took everything out of me. "no". How could it be no? how could she not want to see me, not want to meet?
once the initial pain and shock pass comes the ?embarrassment?. The realization of the extent of my self-delusion. Verification of her committment to the life she has. Embarrassment that at my age, for someone who in general is pretty realistic about the harshness of the world and the folly of humans, embarrassment that i could be so wrong in my belief that she wants me. i know what it is, although it's still no excuse. my love for her, my desire, my conviction that she is the one are so strong that it blinds me to the reality that just because I feel a certain way doesn't mean it's reciprocal. i don't understand how it could not be yet there it is.
it wouldn't make it any easier, but at least it would bring ?some sense? to it if she would just tell me what it is that he has, what's in their life together that's so special, so binding, that she stays.
even that thought is built on the errant assumption that she feels for me what i want her to feel for me, what i wish that she felt for me. my wanting her doesn't change her feelings for him.
only forty more years without her. i didn't have her the first 45 years.
but then i didn't know what i didn't have, either.
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