Guess I am just like all the other guys

The other day B was said that she was frustrated that -every- touch by a man (bf in particular but men in general) had to turn into something sexual. For the most part I'd say I'd agree with that, although I believe(d) I was different and told her so. I was probably a little ?offended? at the generalization even though I know that there's no small amount of truth to it. Still, especially where B is concerned, I like to think I'm different. I like to think that were she and I together that the things that are ?wrong? in her life with bf would be different in our life together.

In this case at least, regarding all touches inevitably turning sexual, I was wrong.

The day after we had that conversation I did exactly the same thing.

We were talking after work, our time to let our hair down, relax, be with each other, enjoy each others' company. I told her I wanted to touch her; she wanted that too. What I had in mind was sensual, soft touching, me describing, her imagining. I knew when I told her to go to the conference table that she thought I was going to describe bending her over it, fucking her hard right there. I wasn't though. I pictured, wanted, soft touching, caresses, making her tingle all over, eating her there; she the focus of all of my attention. Not fucking, not even making love, just me loving her.

How could I forget what we had so recently talked about, how she's been feeling that every touch by a man -has- to lead to sex? What the hell is wrong with me? The thoughts even went through my head, but I ?reasoned? that her voice told me she wanted to be touched and that I was special and she wanted to be touched in this way. Why? Why would I think that?

I know why, of course. And it's exactly what she would say too: thinking with the wrong head.

I was so immediately shamed when she said "no" to me while I was talking to her. I couldn't even speak for a couple of minutes.

It's probably the most shameful thing I've ever done to her. No, that's not right - lying to her would me -my- most shameful thing.

It bothers me a great deal that I did that to her, that I took her trust, knowing how she felt about touching leading to sex and then I did the exact same thing. I betrayed her trust. She did trust me to be different, to know her, she expected me to be different. But I wasn't.

And that bothers me too - that I thought I was different to her, for her. And then to be exposed as a fraud.