Her birthday, my resolution

Her birthday is soon. This is her third birthday since we've known each other. Each year I've hoped, for her birthday, that I would finally get to meet her. How's that for a backwards, selfish wish? I probably justified it by thinking it was what she wanted too.

This year has to be different. This year I want to concentrate on getting her on the path that she wants to be on, the path to her life, the path to her happiness. I'm not sure what that path is, and she's probably not either, but I'm going to try to do whatever I can to help her find it. Even though I know it may mean encouraging her to rebuild her relationship with bf and to pull away from me and the distraction of me, if that's where her happiness lies, then I'm going to encourage her in that direction.

There's challenges in that of course. For one thing, I'm really not sure that that's where her future and her happiness lie. Certainly there's a future of -comfort- there, a life of creature comforts and average american mediocrity. But happiness? I'm not at all sure. For another, how difficult will it be for me to let her out of my life, to even push her there? It'd be easier if I could know with certainty that her happiness awaits her there, but I don't know that. In fact, I rather doubt it. But I have to be careful that my surety isn't just my desire to have her for myself.

She deserves it so much. She's been psychically bashed and battered the last year or so and it's time for her to get past this turmoil. I would make the decision for her if I could be sure I wouldn't be tainted by my own wishes and desires. I feel very comfortable telling her that bf is not where her future and her happiness are, but I can't be sure that telling her it's with me is quite as objective.

Regardless, it's not my decision to make. My obligation to my friend, to my love, is to listen, to think clearly, to be honest with her, no matter what the potential impact on my personal life is. I will push her when needed, console her when she needs it, advise her when she asks. But most of all I will struggle to keep her best interests, not my own desires, foremost in my thoughts.

I owe her that.