Cresting the hill and facing the cliff

The cycle continues. i'm fighting it but it's hard.

we've been "head above the clouds" for days, a week even. is it a chemical imbalance that once again threatens to send me over the edge or perhaps just my fucked up mental/emotional state?

We've been so close lately... it's been great, relaxed, comfortable, comforting. So why did i start to feel like she was getting a little distant this afternoon? is it all just me and a distorted read on things? or is she (even subconsciously) beginning to pull back with the approach of the weekend?

it's her birthday next week. i'm sure he has something special planned for this weekend and for the day of her birthday. is that a factor in her pulling back? is she even pulling back at all? maybe it's all in my head. maybe it's just the normal ebb and flow of connection between people.

i sit at night and i wonder about us, about her. will she ever let me into her real world? ever let us touch for real? not even so far as to become lovers, but just to sit together, talk, laugh, touch, smile at each other? will she choose to let herself find happiness or will she stay there becoming increasingly numb and withdrawn? will she let herself find happiness, or at least -try- to find it? will she ever turn to me with her arms open and call me to her?

where does this stuff come from? why am i so tortured with thoughts of losing her or never having her?

she tells me of the sex in their new hot tub. i knew it was happening, will continue to happen. why wouldn't she tell me of it? why does it hurt so much, even though i -want- her to be sexual, want her to have fun, want to hear of it? i know why of course. because it's with him. in their life together. a life that i believe she really doesn't want to be in anymore but she can't shake the hold he has on her.

i know it's partly jealousy. i'm crazy jealous about her. i can't stand the thought of her loving another man, especially him. fucking is no problem - i could easily watch her with many lovers, could and would help arrange it for her. but that's -sex-. it's the affection and emotion of her toward any one else, especially him, that tortures me so.

i haven't been drinking hardly at all - last weekend was the only time in 2 weeks. i don't want to start again because i'm trying to lose weight (although, why? it's not like it's gonna make women want me all of a sudden. those days are 20 years gone..). but it does have a bit of a pull. yeah, it doesn't make it all go away. if anything, the depression and hurt and down feelings are even more and more intense while drinking. but at least the memory of it is dulled the next day.

fuck.

there's dark clouds coming in and i don't know how to avoid them.