Ani L'ahuvati, v'ahuvati Li

thursday, 7/23/09, was an epic day.

it was the day my future was sealed.

in hebrew there's a well known bridal/love verse:

Ani L'ahuvati, v'ahuvati Li

it's from the Song of Soloman. it means:

I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.

thursday, my love and i exchanged rings. nothing legal, nothing elaborate. intensely personal. intensely meaningful. we weren't even in person - we did it via video call, having previously shipped rings to each other.

i love the feel of her ring on my hand. it's a constant, tangible reminder that she is with me.

our future is here.

Sidenote: Hebrew is one of the languages that assigns gender to nouns. The above is as said from a man to a woman. The female to male version would be: Ani L'ahuvi v'ahuvi Li. but it still means "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine".

maybe it is me, after all

i remember coming to this city. i was very apprehensive about leaving our home state in feb for a job here. it felt like such a huge separation, like putting yet another obstacle between us, interfereing with our attempt to get back together.

as always, she was the voice of reason. calmly laid out the pros and cons, the good and the bad. told me time and again that the distance would have no impact on us. told me that it'd be good for me to get a new start somewhere new; new people, new work, new scenery.

my biggest fear was that the distance would make it easier for her to stay away, make it less likely that she'd tell me to come be with her. and what I remember most is her telling me, time and again, "you can always leave in a couple months" [for us to be together].

that was mid-Feb. in feb she told me she was taking a weekend trip in March and maybe i could see her then.

March. no.

April. in april she told me that memorial day was very possible, maybe even likely.

May. not so much.

June. in june she said the 4th of july would be possible, that maybe i could come to her party not as her secret lover, but just as a friend.

July. no.

and now, August. she's promised she'll let me come see her at her birthday in late Sep. "See", not fuck, not kiss, not start our life together... "see"

now that's only a couple months. "you can come see me in a couple months" - a far cry from "you can always leave in a couple months [and come be with me]".

what have i done to this woman, the -one- that i love so much, that she can't even imagine seeing me in person?

maybe it's not her hurts that keep us apart; maybe it is me after all. i mean, i have a lot going for me. i'm a fat, middle aged guy, hypertensive, high cholesterol, diabetic, broke, twice divorced, heavy lifetime alimony payments, soon to be filing bankruptcy, dwindling career choices and opportunities, 11 years her senior and with a history of breaking her heart.

what hot, sexy woman -wouldn't- want to be with me?

oh, right... all of them.

knowing isn't always better...

i just found out i'm diabetic. way diabetic.

i guess congratulations are in order - for me. i've worked hard over the last 6 years to abuse myself as much as possible. bad food, fast food, rich food. alcohol. tons and tons of alcohol. for the last 2 years i've drank about 3-4L of vodka per week. for a couple years before that it was 1-2L per week.

looks like i've succeeded.

i wonder if i was subconsciously trying to prove something to myself. we've just determined that there are no health issues, no social issues, no life issues that are severe enough, that no threat to my life or mental health are enough to get her to overcome her fears and come to me. nothing that can happen to me is enough for her to give up those fears and start our life together. which is the one thing i need.

and now i've proved it.

knowing isn't always better...

useless thoughts and feelings

i'm not feeling taken seriously or something. i know you love me because i feel in my heart that it must be so. i know because of the way you care about me.

the way we are towards each other, the desire and lust we feel, the passion we hold for each other and the love we give each other is like no other couple ever could. i'm sure there's a lot of couples that feel that - but truly, none could compare to what we have. compared to every other couple out there, we shine light years ahead of all the rest.

save one. do you know that compared to that one other couple, I feel like we're just another long term, married, average couple? do you know the shock and desperation and feeling of despair that arises from the clash of -that- with how i feel toward us? how completely opposite it is from what i feel for you and for us?

what echoes in my mind are the times you told me you'd NEVER "rush in" to get back with (to) me, even on a monday. how you said you'll NEVER do that. and you told the truth...about me, anyway.

you've told me how you'd rush to his house in the morning, let yourself in and shed clothes on the way to his bed before spending those morning hours with him. how you'd rush to his house at lunch for those long lunches. how you got so caught up with him that you lost track of time and almost got caught.

today, with all the things we're trying to overcome, with the pain that we both feel at being separated and out of touch over the weekend, you still don't rush back in. you can even make unscheduled stops and not think to call. not that i was expecting a call; i just assumed you were late, overslept, got busy. you rushed to him, eager. tearing off your clothes as you walked through the door. and tell me you overslept. or had errands. it's not a high priority that video problems get fixed. never mind what i want - YOU used to -want- to see me. now? oh well, guess video's still not working.

why is that kind of passion missing when you think of me & us? are we so much less than you and he were/are? when was the last time you ran to us, eager for passion? when was the last time you stripped off your clothes as you anticipated our time together? when was the last time you initiated sex? or even just talked sex to me, on your own, because you wanted to? when, if ever, was the last time you wanted to surprise me with a skype fuck?

a couple weeks ago (it may be just one, feels longer) we talked about doing something to alter our mindset a little. we talked about acting as though we really were a couple, already together, who're just temporarily seperated because of work or something. you agreed, liked the idea, thought it might help us feel closer, might help you let down your guard, feel more free with yourself. you cautioned me that it wouldn't just burst free, that it'd take a little while. to be honest, it may have been only a week ago; it feels like two to me. have you felt anything? have you even once had a fleeting thought that you'd like to give me -whatever-? or do something different? do you remember us talking about this? you cautioned me and i concurred. i knew the floodgates wouldn't come down suddenly. but i thought you were going to lower the walls a little. maybe push yourself to do somethign different - somethign as difficult as letting me see that (*&(#!@ picture of you in a hat and pony tail. g-d baby :-(. am i so low that i can't even see that? you rush to get naked with him just minutes after bf leaves but you can't bring yourself to let me see you clothed, in a hat? how little must i mean to you?

life, rev 3

well, at least some uncertainty's been removed.

there will not be an -us- until april-ish, 2010, at best.

there won't be any B in my summer.

she has promised, as best she can do, that she'll let me see her right before her birthday - which is a little over four months from now. add the required number of visits, the time between and the holiday bumps to figure out where that puts the first possibility of there being an -us- that consists of B and i. i'm too numb to do it right this second, but i guess it works out to april-ish.

of course, that depends on her actually being able to see me right before her birthday. she thought for sure we'd be seeing each other by memorial day, but that ain't happening. four+ more months seems like the odds get raised, but there's no guarantee.

so what the f-ck do i do with my summer now? i'd really planned on seeing her, really thought it was a possibility, something she wanted. despite being the eternal pessimist, i had truly let myself believe that we'd be seeing each other this summer. i KNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWKNOWFUCKINGKNOW that things never work out like i want, that's why i'm a fucking pessimist. so why do i let myself be so optimistic with regard to her? oh, right - because she's the woman i love. because i can't imagine a life without her in it. because i don't want a life without her in it. because there is no life without her in it.

this does remove some uncertainty though. i'll definitely be going through my legal issues on my own. i know where i -won't- be living.

damn. when the numbness wears off, this is really gonna suck. and hurt.

life, revised

well, obviously a visit didn't happen this week. it wasn't even discussed.

and since it wasn't even raised as a possibility, it's safe to assume that next week won't either. and she's gone the following week. so that means that May isn't gonna happen.

that's a -real- disappointment, for a couple of reasons. the first is obvious: she still doesn't want to see me.

the second is more of a personal disappointment (as though being told, even round-aboutly, that your love doesn't want to see you isn't a personal disappointment). to the best of my recollection, i'd asked her, back in march during the long weekend of talk time we had when she was traveling, if she thought we'd see each other by Memorial Day. and she'd quickly, positively and quite firmly said "oh yes, definitely by then".

maybe not so much. but i have to say, it did make me feel a little better during all those intervening weeks.

sigh.

while i'm sure her goal wasn't to make the boy feel a little better, it did accomplish something more important: it relieved her of some of the stress from me of pushing for a visit.

and now we're here. or more accurately, she's there and i'm here. one thousand, one hundred and fifty one miles apart.

if only it were just miles. miles can be conquered by car, by plane, hell, by walking if need be.

my light, my life, my strength, my purpose

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

what is and what ain't

it's been three weeks since she went away for the weekend and i had her almost completely to myself for 48 hours. since then, there's been a couple times i've had her on the phone for >6 hours. it's been 11 weeks since her monday night call to me saying she missed me and us. and it's been 18 weeks since that terrible saturday in november. it feels like a long time. but then, i was the doer, not the doee.

i've tried many times to get her to just chuck it all and let us start, even though she's still hurt. she can't trust me yet, can't trust that i won't leave her again and from a purely objective point of view, i don't blame her. i know what's in my heart and i tell her that, but her response is always "but you were just as sure last time, too." good point. what she can't know though, is what those times of being without her, during which i was sure i'd lost her for good did to me. she can't know, just like each time has beat her down, made her more unsure of us, how each time away from her, how the panic set in when i finally realized that my future wasn't gonna be with her.

eighteen weeks. four and a half months. and we've progressed to the point where she'll usually let me see her on skype. not always, but often. not to the point where i can assume it - i'm still always surprised when we talk and she won't let me see her. there's still no new pics, no views of her in a skirt, or dressed to teach class, or her sexy legs and ass, still none of the pics her girlfriend took of her (that she was gonna send me before -then-), none of the pics she says she's taken of herself in clothes i've bought for her or outfits i've suggested for her. she wouldn't even let me see a pic of her from the marathon she ran - probably because she was wearing -his- hat and -he- was with them (her and bf) the whole day.

when she went away for the weekend, -she'd- mentioned that -maybe- it'd be an opportunity for us to meet. that didn't happen - when it came down to it, she couldn't stomach the thought of being in the same room with me. not to mention that my very presence would have spoiled another area of her life - the area that bf is from. since then, i've tried to get her to let me visit, tried to get her to leave bf and come see me, even tried to just get her to leave bf and get her own place. no, no and no. still can't stand to see me, can't do that yet, has to be her own idea on her own time. on that she's been consistent since the first time we talked.

so soon, bf will be taking a weekend trip and she'll be home alone. to me, it's a perfect opportunity for me to fly in on a thursday, spend thursday night with her (coz we usually get a fair amount of time on thursdays), then friday afternoon and then saturday through sunday afternoon. sex and fucking? not a chance. talking, being together, touching? yeah, that'd be possible.

only one small problem.

let's ignore the fact that she can't see me still. or that she won't let me see her, other than from behind the safety of her desk or her couch and never anything except from her neck up. never mind the fact that she tells me she can see us together, wants to be together. or that it's been almost a month since since her trip, almost two months since she first mentioned this trip, which will be late next month. or that she hasn't mentioned it at all. something significant will probably happen for me around the end of march, which she knows about and is somewhat involved in. yesterday i asked her if she thought we'd see each other by then, within that two months. she didn't say "no", but she certainly didn't say "yes" either. she said "i'd like to say yes...". i know her well enough and we've been through enough times where that's been her answer to know that seeing her is not something i can count on. it could happen, but i really need to not get my hopes up. if possible, i should try to completely forget about even asking or hoping to see her, otherwise i'll start pressuring her to do so and that will send her the other way.

so, let's follow the time line. almost five months since -then-. almost three months since she called. almost a month since a real opportunity to see her was passed over. less than a month till the next opportunity to spend time together. and she isn't sure that in -two- more months she'll yet be able to stomach being in the same place with me.

what is is that i love her. i can't picture my life without her. what is is that because of what i've done to her, she isn't sure, despite also believing that we belong together, that she can find her way back to an -us-; which means that no matter how much she wants it, needs it, sees it, she might just not be able to bring herself to do it.

what ain't is the romantic notion/hopes i had that i'd be able to call her up, ask her to leave bf and fly to me, spend a few weeks here wrapping up this part of my life, then we drive back to her area and we start living our life. what ain't is the equally romantic wish that she'd call me one day and just say "be here tonight" and that while i was winging toward her at 500mph she'd be home packing her bags and telling bf she was done. what ain't is the hope that we could be together anytime soon. what ain't is the frightening reality that the legal and financial hardships that are relentlessly getting closer to me will be weathered without her by my side; i'll have her support, but it won't be in person.

what -is-, everyday, is another day of the fucking reality of what i did to her, to me, to us.

fuck.

of great weekends... the two minutes it takes to undo them... and property rights

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

the party and the favor

my B had a special day recently... her birthday. i'd told her that bf and -him- were undoubtedly planning something "special" for her... a gangbang, an orgy, a train, a bukkake party, something of that sort. at the very least, a night of the two of them fucking the shit out of her.

she denied it, didn't think they'd do that without her consent, and given that she's been turning them down lately, she didn't think it likely. however, when pressed, she said she was "80% sure" that they weren't planning anything for her.

fuck.

i hate being right.

turns out, they did plan something for her. something very special. something that gives a very good indication of just how far she's been able to bring bf along as she's let the slut out. way back when, at her first gangbang, he had trouble with six guys fucking her.

not so much anymore.

bf and him planned quite the party. when bf drove up in front of the building, late that evening, she asked what was up. he smiled at her and said he had a surprise for her. when pressed, he told her.

what they'd arranged was something that she's very, very fond of. something she -loves- very much. she's a slut and she loves being used, taken, passed around. she loves being just the fuck holes (all three of them) for anyone who'll fuck her.

bf told her: there were between 20 and 40 people in the closed, off-hours bar. a regular party, you might think, right? no, not quite. yes, it was to be a party... and she, B, was to be the party favor. she, and her holes, were to be at the use and disposal of every man and woman at the party. any guy who wanted to fuck any hole? she'd not only be -expected- to give it up to him, but she willingly, gladly, eagerly would. and woman who wanted B to lick her cunt until she came, or fuck B with a strap on? B would eagerly, happily, willingly comply.

she's been a party favor several times, the "entertainment" at a party. she's been the serving cunt at a group of guys watching sports. she served them beer, snacks, food and blowjobs. when she wasn't fetching food or drink, she was on her knees sucking somebody's cock. the first time was with -him-. after she fully integrated -him- into her life/marriage with bf, she got bf to buy into the idea and then he'd arrange similar parties, where she, my B, was nothing more than the cunt, the ass, the mouth and the serving bitch for the men and women at the party. and, since she is, through and through a slut, she loved and loves it.

she didn't go into the party with bf last weekend, out of respect for the time that she and i have been spending together. instead, she blew bf in the car, took him around back and fucked him, then took him home and, in her words, gave him a damn good fucking.

she did lash out at me though, and let me know that she's been giving up "some seriously good fun", some "damn good fucking" for me. she let me know, in no uncertain terms, that she missed being used and fucked by a room full of men and women, that she seriously wanted and missed being used like a slut, like the entertainment, like a party favor.

here's the really confusing part for me. i know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that she can (and has) fuck 30 men at a time.. can easily, readily and happily be used by 40 men and women in a room, sucking cock, licking pussy, giving up her ass to anyone who wants it. the confusing part is that it kills me, rips me apart at the very seams, that she can tell me this, proudly, and tell me that she misses it, wishes she'd done it. as much as that knowlege kills me? if she was with me, i'd happily set up the same situations for her. if she was my cunt, i'd LOVE watching her slut herself out to a room full of men and women, would LOVE watching her be used by 30 guys, fucked in every hole, passed around from hand to hand. the difference is it's been with -him-, the fucker. if it was with me, i'd be reveling in the scene, proud as proud could be of my slut. instead, every word of her story rips me apart.

my B, my love - party favor. entertainment at a party. slut/cunt/whore/holes to be used by anyone who happens to be in line.

and i love her.

the FUCK was i thinking?

we all have our particular skills and talents, don't we?

mine seems to be hurting B, pushing her away, pissing her off.

drawing her close, getting her to want me, want to see me isn't one of them.

convincing her to do something she is dead set against doing certainly isn't one of 'em.

and the thing is? what the FUCK was i thinking?

she's traveling in the near future. just a couple days, but it's without bf. now, over the course of our relationship, there's been three, maybe four times when she's been apart from bf for a night. on two of those, -he- got to go to her house and spend the night fucking her. -him- and who knows how many others. so here comes the fourth time she'll be apart from bf, for an overnight, in the almost six years we've known each other.

she wasn't able to see me before i left our state for this job. she hasn't even let me see her, in any new pictures or on skype. yet there was a possibility, she even said so, that she might have me meet her when she traveled.

so the time is drawing near. i've already arranged a day off from my new job. last night we talked about it again. she can't do it. can't stand the thought of seeing me. it disgusts her. and here's the (not so) funny part: i got mad at her. i explained how rare an opportunity this is; she knows. i told her i didn't expect any fucking, just talking; she knows. i explained how great it'd be for us to be able to sit and talk and see each other for all that time, be in the same room, be away from everything else, in a neutral place; she knows.

she also knows she doesn't want to see me. can't see me.

which brings me back to my original question: what the fuck was i thinking? she won't even let me see a new -PICTURE- of her, won't let me see her on grainy, broken, shitty voip video.

but somehow i thought she'd want to see me in PERSON?

self delusion is a powerful thing.

what now?

the last few days have been tough. they've also been, in many ways, exceptional days....

where to start?

upheaval. there's been plenty of that. i got a job in another city. so i've packed up and left her (our) state and driven for two days to get to a new location. unfortunately a new location only about a three hour drive from the whore. you can imagine how happy that makes B.

just twelve hours before hitting the road i was seriously considering not taking the job for several reasons. first and foremost - it puts B and i so far apart. geographically far apart - hopefully not mentally and emotionally, but i'm not sure. sometimes i think B is sad that i'm going to be farther away (she's said she likes having me close by) and other times i think she's ?relieved?. talking about my reluctance to move away and to be so far away, she's said many times "it's only a job, you can leave whenever you want, even if you're only there for a couple months, if/when i'm ready i'll tell you and you can leave then".

emotion. there's certainly been plenty of that, both soaring high and sinking deep. we've had some amazingly close and intimate (not phone sex) talks recently - reminiscent of our earlier days but even more than that. these were talks where everything else faded away, nothing intruded on us. during those times, there -was- nothing else. only her and i. only the sound of her voice, only the feel of her soul connecting with mine.

there've also been some depressing, crushing, devastating talks too. not arguments, but where we were both just kicking each other in the (emotional) teeth. lashing out, venting, saying things that we knew were mean and hurtful and not necessary... but we both have -so- much hurt and pain inside us, sometimes we both feel so unheard, so not understood by the other that it's difficult to reign in that emotion, to put the hurt down rather than picking it up and shoving it onto the other. yes, sometimes lashing out in anger can make you feel a tiny bit better but in the final analysis it doesn't really help because later you feel more of your own hurt simply because you lashed out at the other. not only that but digging up that hurt gives it more power again and you feel that again. and again. and again. and how bad do you feel for intentionally hurting the one person who means so much to you?

dismay. B and i have always been sexual with and to each other; it's how we started, how we so deeply connected and it's always been a part of our foundation. i've known she's been being the sexual person that she's known herself to be (even though she hadn't previously let that slut out) since and during the times we've been apart, not together. she's always downplayed it and i've always thought it was not only more than she let on, but feared that it was even more than my wildest (worst) dreams. turns out i was right. the numbers aren't important, because they don't really convey an accurate portrayal of her without knowing her and the rest of the story. let's just say that she doesn't consider less than ten guys a gangbang. and there have been dozens of gangbangs. while that may seem... ?shocking? it's not. not to me (although it hurts) and not if you knew who she was. the really hurtful part of her activities is that she's always said they're "distractions" to get her mind off of the pain of my rejections. distractions? no baby, taking a few lovers on the side is distraction. burying yourself in a hobby or work is distraction. this is... commitment. while i wish i didn't know the extent of her activities (and what i know is only what i could drag out of her), i'm glad i do. even though the extent of them is hurtful to me, it's also some small relief because i know her and i know that this B, the slut who asks her bf and her lover to arrange for 30 guys to come over and use her, pass her around, is part of the amazingly sexual B that i know. and love. and to be honest, if B and i were together, i'd be doing the same thing, arranging the same gangbangs for her so that -i- could watch with love and pride and lust as the woman that i loved lost herself with abandon to her lust. i truly wish i could be the one that she looks over at as she's getting fucked by the 26th guy of the night, as she cums for the 100th time. i wish that was me, not bf and not that fucker -him-.

desire. my desire for B has grown exponentially over that past few weeks. not grown, really, because it's always been there, always been all consuming, overwhelming, endless. but when we're not together, during those times when i've left her (g-d how is that even possible?), it's had to be reigned in, put away, lest it's power and the pain of knowing i'll never have her destroy me completely. but in the ?six? weeks since she called me that monday night, it's been growing. i feel it in the warmth that spreads over me when i hear her voice for the first time in the morning. i see its hold on me when i wake from yet another sexual dream about her. i feel it's strength when i beat off to thoughts of her and the intensity of my orgasm makes my eyes roll back in my head. i can feel its power when as we're having a normal conversation, thoughts of turning the conversation to sex, thoughts of verbally seducing her and taking her so that together we can find and touch each other and to hear her. after so long without it, to hear her lust take her over, hear her desire in her moans and in the way her voice softens and deepens, to hear her cum over and over. even now, at 430 in the morning, after drinking myself stupid and passing out at 11 or so, just these thoughts of her have me hard and hungry for her. her skype account is still signed on (from home) but "away" - i want to call her just in the hope that she's up and would answer - just to hear her voice, to hope that she'd want to phone fuck. but i can't call - if she is logged on, the computer might make noise and bf might find out. so again, i'm left powerless, unable to contact her, unable to fulfill my desire for her.

confusion. i know how i feel about B. i have no doubts of what she means to me. (please don't ask me to explain then how i could leave and hurt her three times - i don't have an answer.) i know that were she to call me this morning and say she's changed her mind, she wants to start us now and to please don't take this job and come home to her - that i'd be in the car within minutes, starting that long drive back to her. it's where i belong. it's where i should be. -she- is my home. i also know, deep in my heart and without reservation, that she loves me. that she loves me as deeply and as completely as i do her. i also know that she wants to be together, wants the life that we were destined to have (and damn me to hell, that we'd have been starting right now) as much as i do. so you can imagine how confusing it is to me to know all that, to tell her that i should come there, that we should heal her -together-, plead with her to let us start our lives together and to hear her say, repeatedly, "i can't". those two small words destroy me, probably much like i've destroyed her heart repeatedly. they paralyze me, knock the wind out of me, immobilize me. how can she -not-??? on my side of us, i know that we're -there-, we are right now within 4 days of starting our life together. but she can't. and that speaks volumes about the depth of the hurt that i've caused her. she too knows that we could start within 4 days. but her scars are so deep and so painful and so raw that she won't even let me see a picture of her or see her on skype. hurts so overwhelming that she can't stand the thought of seeing me in person, much less of actually being together as an "us".

and so i sit here, in a strange hotel in a strange city at 5 in the morning, days away from starting a new job and i ponder the future. i thought i had a pretty good outline of how the next year and then the rest of our lives would go. but during our conversation last night i learned that i need to rethink it. she's said many times that she needs time, that it won't be quick, if it happens at all. because she's also said several times that i "could leave there in a couple months", i've sort of latched onto that timeframe as an indication of how long i'd be here, of how long it might be until she -is- ready and able to start us. but she corrected me last night; pointed out that this time was worse and would take longer to recover from than the first time - and that took nine months. so i have to prepare myself to wait as much as (or even longer than) a year. a year; g-d. we could've been together by our fifth anniversary, july of' 08, were gonna be together for our sixth anniversary this year. if we manage to get together, hopefully it'll be by our seventh, in 2010. besides all the other things that i regret... i'd really thought and hoped that we'd be able to celebrate her 40th birthday together. but we won't - because of me.

and so the things that i have to go through this year, besides a new job in a new city, i'll have to do without having B by my side. it would've been a tough year -with- her; while i'll still have her support, it'll be long distance. she'll still only be available when she's available - days, an occasional evening and for a short time on the occasional saturday. she won't be there when i get home, won't be there when i wake, won't be reachable by phone whenever i need her. without her? this year will be a test. a year of job, move, significant legal and financial issues. a year of knowing that anytime i have any kind of sex, she'll be forced to distract herself with everything that she can do in the same period. think about that.... if i were to pick up a woman in a bar and fuck her once, B will take a weekend and have her bf and her lover arrange a gangbang, a swing club visit, an overnight threesome; she could easily fuck 40 guys in a weekend. and that's only what i can be sure of and know for a fact. she doesn't believe what i tell her now, so undoubtedly there'll be many weeks/weekends when she'll be having all that simply because she thinks i'm having sex and lying to her about it. or just because she wants to.

i imagine a "reasonable person" would read this and think "what the fuck?". i can see that. but that person doesn't know the B that i know. they don't know what it's like when she opens her heart and soul to me and beckons me to her. they don't know the richness and the feeling of finally being complete when you mesh so completely with another person - with your soulmate.

that's what she is, truly - my soulmate.

record breaking time

she was off yesterday, so it's been a long weekend without her; we talked a bit on saturday, but that was it since friday afternoon. she wasn't even able to get to chat or email until late last night, when she emailed that she'd be able to talk this morning. so, you can guess how anxious i was for this morning to come around, to finally be able to talk to her again.

she called, early. our first hour was great - light, fun, easy, us.

and then -i- started talking.

fuck. how do i do that?

we had a lot to talk about and we did get to some of it. a lot of things happened this weekend to talk about. i took some pics (some of 'em even good), we saw a movie, finished a book and i had a fun adventure monday. i bought her some cool, sexy shirts :-). and i did my first domain and website...

writer's block

i used to write for B - erotica, scenarios we'd someday act out, sexual thoughts i had of her.

once, i even collected about 30 of them together and read them aloud, recorded them and sent them to her. she always said she loved them. i even got to read her some of them over the phone.

i found them (well, they weren't lost) the other day and read them. compared to the things she's doing and has done in the last year + with bf and with -him-, they're SO lame. i mean, what the things i've written (which we both considered edgy and very erotic back then) is the kind of stuff she does with -him- now in an afternoon fuck at her office. i was going to send them to her for her to read if she wanted... but after i reread them, that'd be equivalent to telling Einstein you have a book for him that he'd really love and then sending him a copy of a 1st grade arithmetic book. nothing, in all the stories i wrote her is the least bit "challenging" or erotic to her, after the things she's done.

i wrote about sharing her with other men - she's fucked about 100 guys (in 3/4/moresomes and gangbangs) since thanksgiving. i wrote about surprising her with another woman. she's got a girlfriend, several girls and couples that they can call up for play time any time, and she's been in a six girl party.

so i thought maybe i'd try writing some new things for her. never mind that i'm sure that no matter what i can dream up, she's already done that and more. at least it'd be more interesting than that early stuff.

i can't. everything i come up with seems so small, so lame when compared against her experiences. i can't imagine it'd hold her interest in the least. and i couldn't withstand the effects of her laughing at me or the writings.

if we do ever wind up together.... i can only guess how lame, how boring, how unsatisfying she'd think our sex life...

another fucking weekend

another fucking weekend... in more ways than one.

B and i used to have a love/hate relationship with weekends... love because for a year or so, we got to have lots of time talking on saturdays and sometimes sundays. hate because we were apart and because sometimes we didn't get that talk time. later, after we lost the phones, we just hated the weekends. her because of what was happening in my life, me because we were out of touch and then because of what i knew was happening in her life.

even though we're talking again (and talking a lot) we still hate the weekends. at least, i do; i think she does but it may be more of a dislike (because she fills the weekends with -him- and fucking and all kinds of things). my weekends are a little different. my drinking has been increasing for well over a year, to the point where .... it needs to be gotten under control. (no, i don't drink and drive). my weekends consist of finding something to do during the day (which often means reading or watching tv or movies) and waiting for happy hour to start so i can get shitfaced and forget.. forget what i've done, forget what she's doing at that very moment (well, hours). i've noticed that happy hour has been starting earlier and earlier.

and, this weekend, the fucking starts again. in earnest. she's taken about 2 weeks off from fucking -him- and given it to us as talk time. it's helped, helped me, helped us, a lot. but it's time. bf has been pushing to have -him- over (no, bf doesn't know about -him- and B fuck on the side, or that she wears his collar) for a night of fucking her. and -he's- been pushing her for it too. and, i imagine she's itching to get back to it as well. so, i imagine, they'll invite -him- over, have a drink and maybe a quick fuck, then go out for dinner, drinks and maybe dancing or pool (or fucking in the pool hall, which they've done), then back to her house for hot tub, blow jobs, ass fucks and a long night of fucking. followed by a morning and afternoon of more of the same.

happy hour starts really early this weekend.

i have the gall ...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

it's gotta just be me

i know i may be being hypersensitive about things in general and her & sex in particular, but still....

in one of the things about which we'll never agree as to it's impact... we had this conversation snippet recently...

me: six guys before we met. a hundred or more since we met. just not me

her: why not you? cuz when i get close to trusting you, you decide you'd rather have someone else

me: did you have to trust the other 100+ before fucking them?

her: no. but they also didn't tell me lies, about how they wanted me, and when i came to them, say "nevermind, turns out i don't want you afterall"

me: most of them didn't even know you long enough before fucking you to learn your name

her: you're right. they dind't. but they also didn't make me think i could trust them and then rip my heart out several times over

i know i did to her everything she says i did.

but am i really so wrong for feeling that it's just -me- she won't fuck? she'll fuck -anyone- else that bf or -him- tells her to fuck.

it's gotta be just me, doesn't it?

bang, i'm dead

i drove to mom's over the weekend. i certainly had not expected to hear from B. but she called and we talked for 30 mins or so.

and we really talked, like those days of old. we talked, we laughed... and not just laughed, but raucous laughter, belly laughs. it felt so good, so light, so easy, so -us-. all too soon though she had to go.

then she called back, saying she had a few more minutes. and those minutes turned into almost two hours! what a surprise, what a gift, what a great day.

and then she called again on sunday and we got to spend another thirty minutes or so talking.

that was the end of the weekend. and the end of my respite.

last week, she'd agreed not to fuck -him- and to give those hours (and she gets a bunch of hours to spend with -him-) to me, to us, so we could talk. then friday, she extended the "deal" - she wouldn't see -him-, invite -him- over to her house for the B, hubby, lover threesome, if i wouldn't talk to the whore all weekend. no hesitation on my part. and i got the ?relief? of knowing she wouldn't be fucking -him- all weekend, that her husband and her lover wouldn't be spending hours sharing her.

so when i say that was the end of the weekend, the end of the respite, that's really how i felt. because i knew that if bf traveled today, she'd have been fucking -him- in the morning. bf didn't and she didn't.

nevertheless, it's coming. tomorrow is a normal bf-travels-she-fucks--him--morning-and-evening-day. oh joy. she insisted that i call the whore today and touch base. all i could think of was her comment last week that "... because you'll be talking to her during the week, i'll be fucking -him-...". then, when she could tell i was obviously reluctant to make that call, she didn't understand why.

so i told her "you're asking me to pull the trigger at my own execution." meaning that by doing that, i'd be making sure she started fucking -him- again. she never said that if i continued not talking to the whore that she'd continue not fucking -him-, but i still had that hope/connection/hope in my head.

i had no choice not to call and she wouldn't have been happy if i didn't, would've pushed until i did so. so.....

bang, i'm dead.

and still she won't see me. still won't let me come there, see her everyday, give us time together, not take this job that's going to take me far away, not give us this chance to find us again. she's not at that point yet, hasn't healed enough from the last time i betrayed her.

let the fucking begin.

B and i, again

sigh....

a day off to a tough start because of her overnight reactions to last nights conversation.... a good day once we got past that...

actually, a damn good day.

my job recently ended. because my work is a bit of a niche, i almost never find work in the same city - at least, i haven't for the last 8 years. actually, since 94 i haven't had two consecutive jobs or careers in the same city.

anyway, so the job hunt had begun, begrudgingly, because what i wanted to do was to go to B's area, hang out there, see her everyday and build us back to the point where she'd want to be an us again. i have enough money that without working i could go three months. throw some kind of job, even low paying, into the mix and the bleeding slows down and i might be able to go as long as six months, maybe more.

the fly in the ointment is that she can't stand the thought of seeing me. the hurts and pains are still too new (about 10 weeks now) and, in her words, the thought of seeing me "disgusts" her. we've gone around and around about this; i think me being there, her starting to see me (and hopefully not see -him- or at least cut it down) would do what we (well, i, anyway - she has a hard time seeing if "us" is something she can even consider again) want - allow us to rebuild and get together, permanently. she thinks it'd be the worst thing for us, that it wouldn't help, that it'd only be bad for me to blow through my money. she has the final say, of course.

so it turns out that i got a job. a job not in this state (B's and my home state), not in her area, but in another state. the same state the whore lives in. not only that, but a three hour drive from the whore. obviously, this concerns me, worries me that B will think that being that close to the whore will allow (make?) that relationship to grow and make us (B and i) not possible. this is not what i want, not what i want to do. B wants me to maintain that relationship, saying that she and i aren't a given, i don't do well alone, we don't know what will happen with us, etc.

a lengthy discussion about what would/could/might happen if i take that job, the effect it'd have on us ensued, taking up the last hour or so of our talk time today. it was kind of heated, but not an "argument" per se, just a heated discussion about things that could happen. we ran out of time before we could fully recover from, come back from that "arms crossed" place. i hate when we end like that, as i never know where she'll take those thoughts overnight.

and in what can only be described as -her-, B called me on her way home. called to say that she hated ending like that, didn't want us to end like that. she is amazing, her compassion and love and whatever it is that makes her who she is, is amazing.

i don't deserve her, but i want her. that's correct but not complete: i want -us-. i know, as she does, that the us that her and i would make would be amazing.... far beyond the sum of the parts. with any luck, the friendship that she and i share and the time her and i will spend talking over the next few months, will heal her enough that she'll be open to having us again.

but this i don't understand

she is always above reproach. she's certainly treated me with much more honesty than i've given her (no matter the reason).,

she told me the account name she uses when she contacts -him-. i asked, she told.

but it was a lie.

this, i admit, surprised me.

on the one hand, i can kinda understand it - she doesn't want me contacting her on that account, doesn't want me interrupting her and him when she's on that account.

but still...

imagine being told that kennedy really was killed by the cia... it's -that- much of a shock.

i'm... i'm... paralyzed by it