WARNING: if you're looking for daisies, puppies and feel good crap, you ain't gonna find it here. move along.
Remember that foreign film "It's a Beautiful Life" a few years ago? A guy gets caught up in the chaos of Nazi occupied France (I think, location not important) and despite all the terrible things that happen to him, he never loses his optimism and love of life. In a cosmically ironic ending, he's killed by the last retreating Nazi just moments before help arrives.
I'm not that positive.
Now -THIS- is a beautiful life. Oh, and I'm gonna bitch and moan about how my life sucks. I really don't want to hear how bad your life is, I want to bitch about mine. You don't wanna hear, great; click the Home button now. I don't want to get into a pissing contest. I don't want you trying to show me that it's really not so bad, because "you have your health" (I don't), "you have friends" (I don't), "you have a great job" (I don't) or any of the usual platitudes and bullshit, okay? I WANT TO BITCH.
if you don't like it? fuck off.
now that I think about it, I'm just going to give details of -this week-. If you can read all the way through it and can think of any reason I shouldn't put a fucking bullet in my brain, feel free to leave a comment.
okay.. let's see. there's so much to detail, where do I start? maybe I'll just go chronologically, starting last sunday.
sunday i worked. i'd hoped to resolve the last few bugs in the application i'm working on so the testing could resume and we could deploy the app on schedule. sunday didn't go well. sunday was also probably the best day of the week. by the way, sunday was my 48th straight day of work.
starting monday morning, my blood sugar (i'm borderline diabetic) started soaring from its normal level of about 130 up to as high as 250. i've NEVER had a 250 reading in the 9 months since I was diagnosed. since monday, it's ranged between 175 and 245. no change in diet, no change in meds, no change in anything except about a 1000% boost in overall stress level.
my ex called me. that in itself isn't a -bad- thing, but it's usually a call for more money. not this time. i got a summons delivered to her house. i'm being sued for about $200k over a bad real estate deal from ten years ago, when a "partner" decided he needed a fall guy and i fit the bill. btw, this thing has been hanging like the sword of damocles for a few years now. just at the end of last year it looked like they weren't going to pursue it and i'd started to relax. what the fuck was i thinking?
the flusher handle on my toilet broke. home depot is kinda outta the way so i figured the next time i got there i'd buy one and in the meantime, i lift the lid and pull the chain. inconvenient, but no biggie. one night, in a hurry, i didn't pay attention and the chain got caught under the flapper (hehe, the flapper in the crapper) and kept running. my landlady heard it, zoomed into -my- bathroom and saw the problem and got all FUCKING PISSY about it. no big deal, say i, next time i get to hd, i'll replace it, give you the $6 receipt and all's well in shitterville. not so much. she texted me saying "I took care of the problem". um, okay, fine. except, and pardon me while i chuckle a moment, the one she bought and tried to put on herself didn't fit. sometimes it's the little things in life, ya know?
my beloved and i had a week of fights. wednesday bf "needed" her to do something for him so she left work early; no talk time. thursday, after suffering through my negativity and non-understanding, she decided she'd had enough and -chose- to leave without talking. instead she called hubby to meet her and they went out drinking. i imagine there was a lot more than drinking going on. but, wtf, it's about time she started living her life again.
last night, talking with landlady again, i asked how her daughter was doing in her semester abroad and when she was coming back to the states. "oh, by the way" she says. "she's going to live here when she gets back, so you got 30 days to move out". for real?
i play poker twice a week in a very low key, low stakes ($5 buy in) tournament style game. it's really more of an excuse to get away from the real world than to play "good" poker. well, now we got an asshole who i just cannot tolerate. sometimes there are people with whom you simply cannot make a connection of any kind. he's one of 'em. last night pretty much proved it to me. so, this saturday, which btw is the one year anniversary of our poker group, will be my last night. i will miss them very much.
yesterday B told me that she's pretty much done. not in so many words, but she's about had it up to -here- with me. i guess i don't blame her and i can see her point - i'm negative and constantly "kicking" her. she's right. i do that. but i do that because i don't understand why, after 14 months of "trying to get back together" we're no closer to that goal. i don't understand why she won't leave the situation that she doesn't want to be in, that makes her depressed and unable to come to me. well, duh? isn't -that- obviously a catch 22? our only visit in a year, last september, went poorly. i got angry because when i tried to get within 20' of her, she bolted. we're both over 40 years old; aren't we big enough to just do whatever needs to be done? i don't get it. but that, apparently, is the major reason she's about to kill us.
and today's friday. know what that means? only three more work days til monday. oh joy.
i have no idea whether or not i'l hear from her today. knowing her as i do, i expect she'll at least pop in and say hi and bye. there'll be some reason she can't stay and talk this afternoon like we usually do. and then she'll be off to pick up her life again. and trust me, by monday, she could be waaaaay back into it. by tonight she could have her standing threesome back in action and by sunday she could have had her first gang bang in over a year. whatever she chooses to do, i just want her to find happiness. the happiness that i thought would come with being together with me.
it's not the first time i've been way wrong. probably won't be the last.
oh, i forgot! i left the game early last night, got food, went home. the landlady was painting the inside of the door to the garage (yeah, at 945 at night) and i couldn't even get a beer to have with my food. fuck, really?
i know that some of you people out there with great lives will say "oh, it's not so bad", "it'll get better", "there's always a silver lining". gimme a fucking break. this shit is just what's happened THIS WEEK. do you fucking get that? THIS WEEK.
it's a beautiful life, no?
Friday, March 12, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
It's back and it's "GTC" - Good Till Canceled
I might be wrong, but I think GTC is a stock broker term for a buy/sell order that's left as a standing order until the buyer cancels it. In other words, it's in effect until further notice.
If only this were a stock trade....
Much to my dismay, her "No Way - 60 Days" order is back in force.
and she wonders why I'm depressed and angry and stressed
If only this were a stock trade....
Much to my dismay, her "No Way - 60 Days" order is back in force.
and she wonders why I'm depressed and angry and stressed
Monday, March 01, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
what will it be like?
lately i've been wondering what the reality of finally being with B will be like. what will going there to meet her for the first time, having her tell me she's left bf, holding her in my arms feel like?
what will our first fuck be like? what will it be like to take her out for dinner for the first time? how will it feel to watch her get undressed and get into bed with me? how will it feel to wrap myself around her and fall asleep? what will it feel like to wake up next to her? to have her wake me up with her mouth or pussy? to wake up, open my eyes and see her lying next to me?
how will it feel to sit and talk with her and figure out what the next few months of our life are going to be like? will we look for an apartment together? will she want one on her own for a while? will she come with me to whatever city i'm in at that time?
what will it feel like to not have to optimize our day to try to get the maximum amount of talk and/or chat time? how will it feel to know that we can talk anytime we want, day or night? how will it feel to actually be a part of her life? or to open my email and find pictures of her, unexpectedly?
how will the end of our first week together feel? the first month? our first (together) anniversary? how will it feel to have her, always? to have "the one" there that knows me so well (and still loves me)? what will it feel like to be walking from one room to another and find her there? to just stand there and look at her? or to walk up behind her, slip my arms around her waist, nuzzle my face in her neck and hair and whisper to her that i love her?
what will it be like the first time i watch another man fuck her? or watch her take on a roomful of guys for the first time (with me). how will it feel when she brings another woman over to me and tells me that she's coming home with us? how will it feel the first time she brings me my belt and says "Master, will you please beat your slut?"
how will it feel the first time i have to leave her at an airport to go back to where i'm working? or to pick her up at the airport the first time she comes to visit me?
how will it feel to finally stand with her in the place we've talked about so often and pledge our lives to each other? how will it feel when she looks me in the eye and says "yes"?
what will our first fuck be like? what will it be like to take her out for dinner for the first time? how will it feel to watch her get undressed and get into bed with me? how will it feel to wrap myself around her and fall asleep? what will it feel like to wake up next to her? to have her wake me up with her mouth or pussy? to wake up, open my eyes and see her lying next to me?
how will it feel to sit and talk with her and figure out what the next few months of our life are going to be like? will we look for an apartment together? will she want one on her own for a while? will she come with me to whatever city i'm in at that time?
what will it feel like to not have to optimize our day to try to get the maximum amount of talk and/or chat time? how will it feel to know that we can talk anytime we want, day or night? how will it feel to actually be a part of her life? or to open my email and find pictures of her, unexpectedly?
how will the end of our first week together feel? the first month? our first (together) anniversary? how will it feel to have her, always? to have "the one" there that knows me so well (and still loves me)? what will it feel like to be walking from one room to another and find her there? to just stand there and look at her? or to walk up behind her, slip my arms around her waist, nuzzle my face in her neck and hair and whisper to her that i love her?
what will it be like the first time i watch another man fuck her? or watch her take on a roomful of guys for the first time (with me). how will it feel when she brings another woman over to me and tells me that she's coming home with us? how will it feel the first time she brings me my belt and says "Master, will you please beat your slut?"
how will it feel the first time i have to leave her at an airport to go back to where i'm working? or to pick her up at the airport the first time she comes to visit me?
how will it feel to finally stand with her in the place we've talked about so often and pledge our lives to each other? how will it feel when she looks me in the eye and says "yes"?
anticipating a big event in the future
anticipating a big event in the future is an interesting experience. think back to some significant event in your life that you looked forward to with great anticipation (or trepidation & anxiety, if you wish, the effect is the same). it could be your 40th birthday, your wedding day, a childs' birth, college graduation, a promotion, an operation or a bat mitzvah.
the perception of time is a funny thing. remember when you were a kid? remember how long summer vacation was? it lasted -forever-. or, remember how hard it was to have to wait an hour for something? it was torture, the hands on the clock took an eternity to move.
as we get older our "experience" with time and the way we view it and relate to it changes. for one thing, consider a day; a single, 24 hour day. to a new born, a day would seem infinitely long - afterall, one day would be DOUBLE their life so far. perceptually that's a huge block of time. but for me, that same 24 hour day flies by. in fact, many of them can fly by with barely a notice, each individual day barely registering. how can this be? well for one thing, to me, a day is just over .005% of my days - of which there've been nearly 19,000. what a difference! in absolute terms, a day is a day is a day, whether my day or the new born's day. but subjectively, that same day is -double- the number of days previously experienced for the new born and for me, it's 1/19,000th of the days i've experienced.
so now we can see that the number of days (or any unit of time) that we've already experienced affects how we perceive future days.
let's go back to the original thought - the anticipation of an event in the future.
here's another factor that affects our perception of time until an event in the future. that factor is whether or not there's a -specific- date or a general date. a specific date example might be: getting married on July 10th of next year. a general date might be: as soon as the house sells. there's a big difference between the two. or an even less specific date: an event date based on something that's going to happen, but you don't have any idea when... it could be today, next thursday or 3 years, 2 months and 17 days from now.
for a specific date future event, there's a finite, known number of days between now and then. if it's 100 days from today then we know that each day is 1% of the total. we know that after today there'll be 99 days; after tomorrow, 98, etc. it doesn't make the future date feel like it gets here any sooner nor does it make each day feel any longer or shorter than any of the other days but we can concretely see that we are closer with every passing day.
i've been anticipating being with my B for almost seven years. let's ignore the first five or so (because she will) and say that i've only been anticipating it for 15 months. this wait is a wait for a non-date specific event to happen, sometime in the future. unlike waiting for "the house to sell", of which you can see specific things transpire that give a pretty good indication of how close that might be to happening: getting a contract, buyer gets approved, title work done, inspections done and finally a closing date. none of those things happening actually make the final future event into a known date (okay, maybe getting a closing date - but if you've ever bought a house, you know that date often doesn't mean a damn thing!); but they do give an indication of the dates' approach.
i've tried to find intermediate events that would signal the impending approach of a date when B and i would finally be together - her starting to tell me of her beginning preparations for leaving bf, or her talking to a lawyer or looking for an apartment, the start of visits, our anniversary, New Years', her anniversary, my birthday. she hasn't talked, ever, about any of her preparations or even thoughts of making "being together" happen. i've chosen dates because they seemed like reasonable dates for us to start. none of them have ever happened or given any concrete indication that the end date was indeed approaching.
if i'm waiting for Tuesday, i know that i only have to go to bed twice and wake up twice and tuesday will be here. but waiting "... until i'm ready and can do it..." is a completely different animal altogether.
because i have no idea of what the conditions need to be for that to happen, it's within the realm of possibility that that day could be today. or tomorrow. thursday. next thursday. my birthday. 146 days from now. next New Years. a year and twelve days from now. or perhaps april 14th, 2019.
upon awakening each and every day, the question arises anew for examination... when will it be? it -could- be today. or not. with no knowledge, every day is just as likely a candidate for being "the day" as any other. one thing for sure though - it's got to be a day closer, right? just by logic alone, doesn't it stand to reason that there's one less day between now and "the date"? it'd be nice to think so, but do we really know that for a fact? no, not really. "the date" could be sliding farther and farther into the future. who knows? since i have no indications of any sort, it could be getting closer, staying the same relative amount of time in the future or be slipping even farther and faster out into the future. after today passes, the date could in fact have been pushed 9 days further into the future. who knows?
so every morning there's some renewed hope that today is the day. it could be, after all, i just don't know. as the day wears on, the perception is that it's becoming less and less likely to happen today. and then finally she says "i have to go" - and then there's no doubt whatsoever that today ain't the day. and, because she didn't say anything about tomorrow, well, tomorrow's not looking so good either.
a week passes. a month. another month. a year. a few years. every day just as likely as any other day to be "the day". but they continue to pass, unused, a day at a time, with still no idea of whether the date is actually getting closer, or farther away, or if it's even being considered.
as if that wasn't good enough - she has no idea either. the only factual statements i've ever been able to get out of her are "not today", "not this weekend", "not for at least 60 days". only statements that rule out days, none that give any positive indication.
i'm pretty sure today isn't the day.
but, i'm hopeful about tomorrow.
the perception of time is a funny thing. remember when you were a kid? remember how long summer vacation was? it lasted -forever-. or, remember how hard it was to have to wait an hour for something? it was torture, the hands on the clock took an eternity to move.
as we get older our "experience" with time and the way we view it and relate to it changes. for one thing, consider a day; a single, 24 hour day. to a new born, a day would seem infinitely long - afterall, one day would be DOUBLE their life so far. perceptually that's a huge block of time. but for me, that same 24 hour day flies by. in fact, many of them can fly by with barely a notice, each individual day barely registering. how can this be? well for one thing, to me, a day is just over .005% of my days - of which there've been nearly 19,000. what a difference! in absolute terms, a day is a day is a day, whether my day or the new born's day. but subjectively, that same day is -double- the number of days previously experienced for the new born and for me, it's 1/19,000th of the days i've experienced.
so now we can see that the number of days (or any unit of time) that we've already experienced affects how we perceive future days.
let's go back to the original thought - the anticipation of an event in the future.
here's another factor that affects our perception of time until an event in the future. that factor is whether or not there's a -specific- date or a general date. a specific date example might be: getting married on July 10th of next year. a general date might be: as soon as the house sells. there's a big difference between the two. or an even less specific date: an event date based on something that's going to happen, but you don't have any idea when... it could be today, next thursday or 3 years, 2 months and 17 days from now.
for a specific date future event, there's a finite, known number of days between now and then. if it's 100 days from today then we know that each day is 1% of the total. we know that after today there'll be 99 days; after tomorrow, 98, etc. it doesn't make the future date feel like it gets here any sooner nor does it make each day feel any longer or shorter than any of the other days but we can concretely see that we are closer with every passing day.
i've been anticipating being with my B for almost seven years. let's ignore the first five or so (because she will) and say that i've only been anticipating it for 15 months. this wait is a wait for a non-date specific event to happen, sometime in the future. unlike waiting for "the house to sell", of which you can see specific things transpire that give a pretty good indication of how close that might be to happening: getting a contract, buyer gets approved, title work done, inspections done and finally a closing date. none of those things happening actually make the final future event into a known date (okay, maybe getting a closing date - but if you've ever bought a house, you know that date often doesn't mean a damn thing!); but they do give an indication of the dates' approach.
i've tried to find intermediate events that would signal the impending approach of a date when B and i would finally be together - her starting to tell me of her beginning preparations for leaving bf, or her talking to a lawyer or looking for an apartment, the start of visits, our anniversary, New Years', her anniversary, my birthday. she hasn't talked, ever, about any of her preparations or even thoughts of making "being together" happen. i've chosen dates because they seemed like reasonable dates for us to start. none of them have ever happened or given any concrete indication that the end date was indeed approaching.
if i'm waiting for Tuesday, i know that i only have to go to bed twice and wake up twice and tuesday will be here. but waiting "... until i'm ready and can do it..." is a completely different animal altogether.
because i have no idea of what the conditions need to be for that to happen, it's within the realm of possibility that that day could be today. or tomorrow. thursday. next thursday. my birthday. 146 days from now. next New Years. a year and twelve days from now. or perhaps april 14th, 2019.
upon awakening each and every day, the question arises anew for examination... when will it be? it -could- be today. or not. with no knowledge, every day is just as likely a candidate for being "the day" as any other. one thing for sure though - it's got to be a day closer, right? just by logic alone, doesn't it stand to reason that there's one less day between now and "the date"? it'd be nice to think so, but do we really know that for a fact? no, not really. "the date" could be sliding farther and farther into the future. who knows? since i have no indications of any sort, it could be getting closer, staying the same relative amount of time in the future or be slipping even farther and faster out into the future. after today passes, the date could in fact have been pushed 9 days further into the future. who knows?
so every morning there's some renewed hope that today is the day. it could be, after all, i just don't know. as the day wears on, the perception is that it's becoming less and less likely to happen today. and then finally she says "i have to go" - and then there's no doubt whatsoever that today ain't the day. and, because she didn't say anything about tomorrow, well, tomorrow's not looking so good either.
a week passes. a month. another month. a year. a few years. every day just as likely as any other day to be "the day". but they continue to pass, unused, a day at a time, with still no idea of whether the date is actually getting closer, or farther away, or if it's even being considered.
as if that wasn't good enough - she has no idea either. the only factual statements i've ever been able to get out of her are "not today", "not this weekend", "not for at least 60 days". only statements that rule out days, none that give any positive indication.
i'm pretty sure today isn't the day.
but, i'm hopeful about tomorrow.
facts or opinions?
five days a week i end my day with my love holding a dead phone, thinking about her, over a thousand miles away, saying "i gotta go", then click, silence and the sound of a call disconnecting. two days a week i don't even get to talk to her - because she left on friday to go home to her life.
what is it that she has there that makes it so worthwhile staying for, what makes it so impossible for her to leave? is it money? security? love? familiarity?
maybe i'm looking at the problem the wrong way. i always consider it from the point of view that i assume she wants to be here instead of there but that something holds her too strongly. what if that's not the case at all? what if it's not that her life is keeping her from coming here? what if the real problem is that she doesn't see enough here to even consider leaving? i've sort of assumed that she's dying to get over here but just having a hard time letting go of bf. what if it's not a case of having a hard time letting go, but rather a case of nothing worth letting go for?
what if all the time i've been wondering "why won't she let go?" she's been thinking "why should i let go?".
as jeff goldblum said in "The Big Chill" - "rationalization is a wonderful thing.. try getting through a day without one or two juicy rationalizations"... (ok, not a quote, but close enough).
opinions are what we believe, facts are what we know. facts can be very disturbing when they contradict opinions.
what is it that she has there that makes it so worthwhile staying for, what makes it so impossible for her to leave? is it money? security? love? familiarity?
maybe i'm looking at the problem the wrong way. i always consider it from the point of view that i assume she wants to be here instead of there but that something holds her too strongly. what if that's not the case at all? what if it's not that her life is keeping her from coming here? what if the real problem is that she doesn't see enough here to even consider leaving? i've sort of assumed that she's dying to get over here but just having a hard time letting go of bf. what if it's not a case of having a hard time letting go, but rather a case of nothing worth letting go for?
what if all the time i've been wondering "why won't she let go?" she's been thinking "why should i let go?".
as jeff goldblum said in "The Big Chill" - "rationalization is a wonderful thing.. try getting through a day without one or two juicy rationalizations"... (ok, not a quote, but close enough).
opinions are what we believe, facts are what we know. facts can be very disturbing when they contradict opinions.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
i'm curious about something
my baby and i have known each other almost seven years. we've been trying, back and forth, to get together, actually -together- (for good) for over two years.
still no joy in mudville.
but here's what i'm questioning....
as each day passes, does it make it more likely or less likely that we'll be together? I could certainly argue it either way.
as each day passes, if she still hasn't been able to decide what to do... it seems less and less likely, doesn't it?
on the other hand, she says it's what she wants, so as each day passes, doesn't it make it more likely that tomorrow will be the day it finally happens?
those would be equally "strong" viewpoints, were it a case of "everything else being equal"... but that's not the case...
she knows and agrees that being apart is hurting us. more and more harm done to us, to our hearts, to our souls with every passing day.. with every hardship incurred because of this fucking situation. every day chips away at us. every day brings less time to spend together. lunches are down to 30-45 minutes. quite a difference from when she would spend a couple hours at lunch fucking d. our afterwork time has declined to about 45 minutes too... maybe 45 is the new hour.
all that considered, i'm going to have to fall on the side of each passing day making it less and less likely.
g-d... i wish that weren't true...
still no joy in mudville.
but here's what i'm questioning....
as each day passes, does it make it more likely or less likely that we'll be together? I could certainly argue it either way.
as each day passes, if she still hasn't been able to decide what to do... it seems less and less likely, doesn't it?
on the other hand, she says it's what she wants, so as each day passes, doesn't it make it more likely that tomorrow will be the day it finally happens?
those would be equally "strong" viewpoints, were it a case of "everything else being equal"... but that's not the case...
she knows and agrees that being apart is hurting us. more and more harm done to us, to our hearts, to our souls with every passing day.. with every hardship incurred because of this fucking situation. every day chips away at us. every day brings less time to spend together. lunches are down to 30-45 minutes. quite a difference from when she would spend a couple hours at lunch fucking d. our afterwork time has declined to about 45 minutes too... maybe 45 is the new hour.
all that considered, i'm going to have to fall on the side of each passing day making it less and less likely.
g-d... i wish that weren't true...
another milestone quietly passes
earlier this week an important (to me) milestone passed... with little or no fanfare.
it was a marker in time in two ways...
the first was as her anniversary. the two year mark in a marriage she shouldn't have gotten into, wouldn't have gotten into, had i not fucked up.
the second marker was for me... since january (09), i've been anxiously waiting and hoping that she'd be able to forgive me enough to want to be together. starting from the disasterous september visit, then rolling right into the "holiday blackout" and then her out and out telling me "no way for at least 60 days" (that was about 140 days ago) and then, finally coming out of the blackout we roll right up against her anniversary.. and of course there's no way she would have left before then... it would have hurt his feelings.
but now that day has passed. with little fanfare. i sent her cards and wished her happy anniversary...
in my mind, once her anniversary was past, there should be no other artificial impediments to us getting together (other than her still being nauseated by my presence). my birthday, in a month, might present some obstacle to her, because we had targeted my birthday as the date we'd be together... two years ago.
as much as i've thought about all that's going on, i never really believed that as soon as her anniversary passed that she'd be talking about getting together. really, not even in my heart of hearts.
doesn't mean i don't wish for it though.
so... is the passing of her anniversary a good thing or a bad thing? well, it can't be a bad thing, other than the fact that she's celebrating two years of marriage (and 17 years of being together) with a man she's not in love with instead of with me.
is it a good thing? dunno. i'm not sure that in and of itself it has any inherent "goodness" or "badness". it just is.
one thing it does signify though.... since there are now -no- "bad karma" dates or other dates that would hurt bf's feelings for several months (probably the Fourth is the next one... her famous (fuck) party)... then the ONLY reason we're not together is that she doesn't want to be.
yep.. every day that passes is another reminder that i hurt her so badly that she can't even consider being with me.. still... after all this time.
it was a marker in time in two ways...
the first was as her anniversary. the two year mark in a marriage she shouldn't have gotten into, wouldn't have gotten into, had i not fucked up.
the second marker was for me... since january (09), i've been anxiously waiting and hoping that she'd be able to forgive me enough to want to be together. starting from the disasterous september visit, then rolling right into the "holiday blackout" and then her out and out telling me "no way for at least 60 days" (that was about 140 days ago) and then, finally coming out of the blackout we roll right up against her anniversary.. and of course there's no way she would have left before then... it would have hurt his feelings.
but now that day has passed. with little fanfare. i sent her cards and wished her happy anniversary...
in my mind, once her anniversary was past, there should be no other artificial impediments to us getting together (other than her still being nauseated by my presence). my birthday, in a month, might present some obstacle to her, because we had targeted my birthday as the date we'd be together... two years ago.
as much as i've thought about all that's going on, i never really believed that as soon as her anniversary passed that she'd be talking about getting together. really, not even in my heart of hearts.
doesn't mean i don't wish for it though.
so... is the passing of her anniversary a good thing or a bad thing? well, it can't be a bad thing, other than the fact that she's celebrating two years of marriage (and 17 years of being together) with a man she's not in love with instead of with me.
is it a good thing? dunno. i'm not sure that in and of itself it has any inherent "goodness" or "badness". it just is.
one thing it does signify though.... since there are now -no- "bad karma" dates or other dates that would hurt bf's feelings for several months (probably the Fourth is the next one... her famous (fuck) party)... then the ONLY reason we're not together is that she doesn't want to be.
yep.. every day that passes is another reminder that i hurt her so badly that she can't even consider being with me.. still... after all this time.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
no matter how bad you think it might be, it's always worse
my baby called me today. we skyped and i got to see her. might seem like no big deal to you, but it is to me.. i haven't seen her face in probably... 8 weeks? maybe more?
she's trying hard to work her way back to trusting me enough to be together.
she's finding it's not an easy thing to do.
all throughout this period, i've gone on the ?theory? that by making little steps, you become accustomed to them, they then no longer seem like a big deal and then you can progress on from there, a little at a time, until you're comfortable, then push a little more, until finally you wind up where you want to be. she agrees with this approach.
i've had a number of my own "milestone" dates that have come and go that i thought would be milestones for us as well... last Fourth, her birthday, thanksgiving, xmas/new years, her anniversary (shortly), my birthday (soon) and then one other before our anniversary in late july.
there's a fairly significant (in my life) family type event taking place in the next three months. my baby and i have talked for years about this event and we'd pretty much taken it for granted that she'd be attending it with me.. .meaning she'd have left bf and we'd be together.
even today i hope for that, despite her basically telling me the other day why she -shouldn't- be there. as much as i hated what that meant for -us- i could see merit in her case. whether her decision was based on those considerations or a convenient cover for why we wouldn't be together by then doesn't really matter; the end result is the same.
anyway, i digress.
i may be using the terms incorrectly, but right now? tough shit. deal with it. there's a classic experiment involving a frog and a beaker of hot water, the point of which is to illustrate "acclimatization" or "growing accustomed" or the effect of small gradual change vs large sudden change. in the experiment, it's observed that if you put a frog into a beaker of hot water, it will thrash and jump and do everything to get the hell out of the hot water. the frog has been subjected to a large sudden change and is not adapting to it at all, attempting to escape the change completely.
wait, we're not done.
the other half of the experiment involves placing the frog into a beaker of room temperature water and then slowly heating the water to boiling. when the frog is initially placed into the beaker of water it may notice some change ("croak, hmmm, this waters' a little warmer the air, but at least i'm in water now, croak"). as the water is slowly heated, the frog doesn't really pay much attention; after all, the change in temperature is tiny and slow. ("croak, mmm, this water feels nice and comfy right now, croak").
continuing to SLOWLY heat the water to the point where the frog -dies- produces little more reaction from the frog. why? because the change in temperature, even though ultimately a "not good" thing for the frog, is so gradual that it's overlooked. the frog becomes accustomed to it's current situation, which doesn't seem like a bad thing. small change, small change, small change until finally, by taking a larger view, we see that in fact there's been a HUGE change from the beginning.. much to the dismay of the experimental frog (now referred to as frog soup ;-) ).
now at this point you may be asking yourself "self? what the fuck does this have to do with anything?" or possibly "man, i really need to get a life and stop reading this shit". either way, i'm gonna press on.
(suspenseful music slowly building to a powerful climax.....)
so, what's the point? really, there is one...
there've been several times where i've tried to apply the above concept of small changes to my baby and our relationship; she's even suggested it. last july, i suggested that rather than her thinking that doing things for me (like pics, explicit pics, writings, all the little things she normally does for the men in her life) that she think of us not as two people trying to get back together, during which period she's forcing herself to do things for me that she doesn't think i deserve, that instead she think of us as a couple already together who are temporarily separated by my job and that if she could take on that mindset, that the things she'd normally do for another wouldn't feel so wrong or oppressive or undeserved by me. she agreed. in fact, she thought is was a very good idea and that it made a lot of sense. she did warn me though, that "the walls won't just crumble and everything come rushing out". i knew that, i told her, and i didn't expect that to happen.
it's now late february of the following year; about seven months later. i'm not sure, but i think she might be starting to come around.
today we video-skyped.. :-D (the very fact that i was allowed to see her is significant and was completely unexpected). during the course of the call, i asked her to look at her video preview of herself and to see just exactly what i saw - which was her from about mid throat up, occasionally i'd see a shoulder, at least enough to know that she was wearing something.
i thought about the frog and the accumulative effect of small, painless changes.
so i said to her... baby, do you see what i can see of you? do you see that i can only see you from the neck up?
"yes", she said.
"why don't you unzip your hoodie and flash me your tits, even though I can't see them?" i figured that was a pretty ?painless? action - even though it involved her baring her tits (which she'll do for just about anybody) there was no way that i could see them.. so even though i didn't "deserve" it, it was very ?low cost? to her, in terms of what she'd be "giving" me.
so picture this... she's in her family room, sitting on a chair pulled up to the computer armoire. she's facing AWAY from the next door neighbor's yard where the neighbors' kids are playing, probably a minimum of 60', maybe 75' -behind- her. she's inside her house. if you'd been standing at her patio door, looking in, you -might- have seen her move, but you'd only have seen her unzip her hoodie, pull it open then zip it up again. frankly, unless you were standing very close and just off to one side of her, you'd have never thought twice about it.. it would've looked like she was just opening her jacket for a sec to cool off or something.
apparently, instead of slowing heating the water, i'd turned on the flamethrower/microwaver/blowtorch underneath the beaker of water. her immediate reaction was "no".
her reason? the neighbor kids were playing in the yard. she's always very cognizant of youngsters around, especially when she's being sexual. i'm sure the 30+ guy gangbangs at her house were all done after the neighbor kids were asleep.
she wouldn't open her jacket while facing the armoire, even though i'd see nothing of it, because the neighbor kids were in their yard, probably 75' -behind- her.
does anyone have -any- doubts of what she thinks i deserve?
no, me either.
she won't be attending my "significant event", but that's because she doesn't feel it'd be proper. oh, and because we won't be together then.
sometime last year i'd asked her if she thought we'd be together by our 7th anniversary, this coming july. "absolutely" was her answer.
i'm hoping she'll let me come visit her, see her, be in the same room with her - for our anniversary, for her birthday in september or by new year's.
i'm hopeful.
she's trying hard to work her way back to trusting me enough to be together.
she's finding it's not an easy thing to do.
all throughout this period, i've gone on the ?theory? that by making little steps, you become accustomed to them, they then no longer seem like a big deal and then you can progress on from there, a little at a time, until you're comfortable, then push a little more, until finally you wind up where you want to be. she agrees with this approach.
i've had a number of my own "milestone" dates that have come and go that i thought would be milestones for us as well... last Fourth, her birthday, thanksgiving, xmas/new years, her anniversary (shortly), my birthday (soon) and then one other before our anniversary in late july.
there's a fairly significant (in my life) family type event taking place in the next three months. my baby and i have talked for years about this event and we'd pretty much taken it for granted that she'd be attending it with me.. .meaning she'd have left bf and we'd be together.
even today i hope for that, despite her basically telling me the other day why she -shouldn't- be there. as much as i hated what that meant for -us- i could see merit in her case. whether her decision was based on those considerations or a convenient cover for why we wouldn't be together by then doesn't really matter; the end result is the same.
anyway, i digress.
i may be using the terms incorrectly, but right now? tough shit. deal with it. there's a classic experiment involving a frog and a beaker of hot water, the point of which is to illustrate "acclimatization" or "growing accustomed" or the effect of small gradual change vs large sudden change. in the experiment, it's observed that if you put a frog into a beaker of hot water, it will thrash and jump and do everything to get the hell out of the hot water. the frog has been subjected to a large sudden change and is not adapting to it at all, attempting to escape the change completely.
wait, we're not done.
the other half of the experiment involves placing the frog into a beaker of room temperature water and then slowly heating the water to boiling. when the frog is initially placed into the beaker of water it may notice some change ("croak, hmmm, this waters' a little warmer the air, but at least i'm in water now, croak"). as the water is slowly heated, the frog doesn't really pay much attention; after all, the change in temperature is tiny and slow. ("croak, mmm, this water feels nice and comfy right now, croak").
continuing to SLOWLY heat the water to the point where the frog -dies- produces little more reaction from the frog. why? because the change in temperature, even though ultimately a "not good" thing for the frog, is so gradual that it's overlooked. the frog becomes accustomed to it's current situation, which doesn't seem like a bad thing. small change, small change, small change until finally, by taking a larger view, we see that in fact there's been a HUGE change from the beginning.. much to the dismay of the experimental frog (now referred to as frog soup ;-) ).
now at this point you may be asking yourself "self? what the fuck does this have to do with anything?" or possibly "man, i really need to get a life and stop reading this shit". either way, i'm gonna press on.
(suspenseful music slowly building to a powerful climax.....)
so, what's the point? really, there is one...
there've been several times where i've tried to apply the above concept of small changes to my baby and our relationship; she's even suggested it. last july, i suggested that rather than her thinking that doing things for me (like pics, explicit pics, writings, all the little things she normally does for the men in her life) that she think of us not as two people trying to get back together, during which period she's forcing herself to do things for me that she doesn't think i deserve, that instead she think of us as a couple already together who are temporarily separated by my job and that if she could take on that mindset, that the things she'd normally do for another wouldn't feel so wrong or oppressive or undeserved by me. she agreed. in fact, she thought is was a very good idea and that it made a lot of sense. she did warn me though, that "the walls won't just crumble and everything come rushing out". i knew that, i told her, and i didn't expect that to happen.
it's now late february of the following year; about seven months later. i'm not sure, but i think she might be starting to come around.
today we video-skyped.. :-D (the very fact that i was allowed to see her is significant and was completely unexpected). during the course of the call, i asked her to look at her video preview of herself and to see just exactly what i saw - which was her from about mid throat up, occasionally i'd see a shoulder, at least enough to know that she was wearing something.
i thought about the frog and the accumulative effect of small, painless changes.
so i said to her... baby, do you see what i can see of you? do you see that i can only see you from the neck up?
"yes", she said.
"why don't you unzip your hoodie and flash me your tits, even though I can't see them?" i figured that was a pretty ?painless? action - even though it involved her baring her tits (which she'll do for just about anybody) there was no way that i could see them.. so even though i didn't "deserve" it, it was very ?low cost? to her, in terms of what she'd be "giving" me.
so picture this... she's in her family room, sitting on a chair pulled up to the computer armoire. she's facing AWAY from the next door neighbor's yard where the neighbors' kids are playing, probably a minimum of 60', maybe 75' -behind- her. she's inside her house. if you'd been standing at her patio door, looking in, you -might- have seen her move, but you'd only have seen her unzip her hoodie, pull it open then zip it up again. frankly, unless you were standing very close and just off to one side of her, you'd have never thought twice about it.. it would've looked like she was just opening her jacket for a sec to cool off or something.
apparently, instead of slowing heating the water, i'd turned on the flamethrower/microwaver/blowtorch underneath the beaker of water. her immediate reaction was "no".
her reason? the neighbor kids were playing in the yard. she's always very cognizant of youngsters around, especially when she's being sexual. i'm sure the 30+ guy gangbangs at her house were all done after the neighbor kids were asleep.
she wouldn't open her jacket while facing the armoire, even though i'd see nothing of it, because the neighbor kids were in their yard, probably 75' -behind- her.
does anyone have -any- doubts of what she thinks i deserve?
no, me either.
she won't be attending my "significant event", but that's because she doesn't feel it'd be proper. oh, and because we won't be together then.
sometime last year i'd asked her if she thought we'd be together by our 7th anniversary, this coming july. "absolutely" was her answer.
i'm hoping she'll let me come visit her, see her, be in the same room with her - for our anniversary, for her birthday in september or by new year's.
i'm hopeful.
:-D it's saturday and my baby called me! :-D
i don't think it gets much better than this... my baby called this morning about 8am... we got to talk, skype, no less, for almost two hours...
two hours...
:-) g-d....
i know for all you people (fuckers) who have real world, in person relationships, talking for two hours on a saturday morning might not seem like a big deal to you... well, that's because you don't appreciate just how much you really have... these two hours were like an additional, i dunno, 20% of -extra- time that we got to talk this week... imagine being with your lover and being granted an extra day and a half for the weekend, to spend together... then maybe you'll have some small notion of what getting two extra hours to talk is like for me.
and fuck you for being so superior. this is the relationship i have with -my- love. fine, i get that you actually get to hold, kiss and sleep with your love. you get to call her anytime you want, talk, anytime you want... do things -together-.
fuck you.
this is my life, my love and my relationship. i'd rather have this with her than anything else.
well, except for actually having her in my life, physically, every day. that i would prefer. but it's not what i have and may never have.
but i have her.
two hours...
:-) g-d....
i know for all you people (fuckers) who have real world, in person relationships, talking for two hours on a saturday morning might not seem like a big deal to you... well, that's because you don't appreciate just how much you really have... these two hours were like an additional, i dunno, 20% of -extra- time that we got to talk this week... imagine being with your lover and being granted an extra day and a half for the weekend, to spend together... then maybe you'll have some small notion of what getting two extra hours to talk is like for me.
and fuck you for being so superior. this is the relationship i have with -my- love. fine, i get that you actually get to hold, kiss and sleep with your love. you get to call her anytime you want, talk, anytime you want... do things -together-.
fuck you.
this is my life, my love and my relationship. i'd rather have this with her than anything else.
well, except for actually having her in my life, physically, every day. that i would prefer. but it's not what i have and may never have.
but i have her.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
i admit i'm dense.. but..
some things are so difficult for me to follow...
my baby tells me that she hopes we could skype last night, because it's been awhile since she's seen me (and me her). i always hope we can skype, because i seldom get to see her. i say "i'll send you pictures whenever you want". "it's not the same."
yeah, i know.
somehow, whoever the spooks are who take such delight in disrupting our communications (you can scoff here, but NO ONE has ever had so many problems with phones, calling cards, email, chat and skype), they must have been off duty yesterday or snoozing in the corner, because, against all odds, our skype video chat WORKED!
IT WORKED!!!
there's a sense of, i dunno, immediate relief when the connection completes, the picture starts to form.. and there they are... for her, me... for me, her.... it's a palpable relief, a long-awaited "finally!"...
she felt it... expressed it... "there's my baby"... big smile.... i too had the same reaction..."finally, my baby, there she is"....
she had a nice clear pic... (not that i understand why anyone would want a nice clear view of me!).. smiled big... i had the same kind of quality pic.. good video, little "stuttering", no frame freezing, good audio... and the same best picture that i usually get.. her, silhoutted by light from windows behind her... her entire face cast in shadow with an occasional almost-kinda-see-you-a-little when she'd move side to side or turn her head.... she could see a 3" figurine on the top of a 6' foot bookshelf behind me, she could see me clearly.... i could make out things on the counter 15' behind her.... and nothing other than a dark silhouette where she sat.
it's been this way for some time. she knows i can barely ever see her. i've asked her to please, please put a lamp or something near her so there's some light on her face so i can actually see her... or to use the laptop and sit at the counter (she did that once before and i had a crystal clear view of her)... but, she says, there's already a light overhead in the armoire where the desktop is... and it's too much hassle to get the laptop out, set it up, then have to hurriedly put it away when bf comes home....
i asked her if she could see me okay; very well, she said... can you see me? she asks... in an admittedly smart ass voice i said "i can see your silhouette as well as ever, but i can't see you". hey, it hurts, you know? hurts that it's important for her to see me, that she KNOWS how desperately i want to see her, but my not being able to is not really a problem... after all, i don't deserve it yet...
she turned off her video.
i guess it don't get much clearer than that, does it? this is what you get, this is all you deserve; if that's not good enough for you, fine. have nothing.
i'm not sure what shocks and hurts me the most... that i still don't deserve to see her face? that she knows how important it is to me to see her but she won't do anything to facilitate that? that because i was unhappy with the non-picture of her she punished me more by turning off her video completely? or that after 15 months she still can't have me anywhere near her?
maybe it doesn't matter, honestly. she can do whatever she wants, as much or as little as she wants in terms of "giving" to me... and i'll take it.
it does shock me that she's so angry when i'm not happy with the miniscule parts of her that she doles out to me... she's so angry with me... i don't know if it's really "new" anger about the whatever-it-is-that-just-happened or if it's left over pain/anger/rage from so long ago....
probably doesn't matter.. the end result is the same...
she stays with bf.
my baby tells me that she hopes we could skype last night, because it's been awhile since she's seen me (and me her). i always hope we can skype, because i seldom get to see her. i say "i'll send you pictures whenever you want". "it's not the same."
yeah, i know.
somehow, whoever the spooks are who take such delight in disrupting our communications (you can scoff here, but NO ONE has ever had so many problems with phones, calling cards, email, chat and skype), they must have been off duty yesterday or snoozing in the corner, because, against all odds, our skype video chat WORKED!
IT WORKED!!!
there's a sense of, i dunno, immediate relief when the connection completes, the picture starts to form.. and there they are... for her, me... for me, her.... it's a palpable relief, a long-awaited "finally!"...
she felt it... expressed it... "there's my baby"... big smile.... i too had the same reaction..."finally, my baby, there she is"....
she had a nice clear pic... (not that i understand why anyone would want a nice clear view of me!).. smiled big... i had the same kind of quality pic.. good video, little "stuttering", no frame freezing, good audio... and the same best picture that i usually get.. her, silhoutted by light from windows behind her... her entire face cast in shadow with an occasional almost-kinda-see-you-a-little when she'd move side to side or turn her head.... she could see a 3" figurine on the top of a 6' foot bookshelf behind me, she could see me clearly.... i could make out things on the counter 15' behind her.... and nothing other than a dark silhouette where she sat.
it's been this way for some time. she knows i can barely ever see her. i've asked her to please, please put a lamp or something near her so there's some light on her face so i can actually see her... or to use the laptop and sit at the counter (she did that once before and i had a crystal clear view of her)... but, she says, there's already a light overhead in the armoire where the desktop is... and it's too much hassle to get the laptop out, set it up, then have to hurriedly put it away when bf comes home....
i asked her if she could see me okay; very well, she said... can you see me? she asks... in an admittedly smart ass voice i said "i can see your silhouette as well as ever, but i can't see you". hey, it hurts, you know? hurts that it's important for her to see me, that she KNOWS how desperately i want to see her, but my not being able to is not really a problem... after all, i don't deserve it yet...
she turned off her video.
i guess it don't get much clearer than that, does it? this is what you get, this is all you deserve; if that's not good enough for you, fine. have nothing.
i'm not sure what shocks and hurts me the most... that i still don't deserve to see her face? that she knows how important it is to me to see her but she won't do anything to facilitate that? that because i was unhappy with the non-picture of her she punished me more by turning off her video completely? or that after 15 months she still can't have me anywhere near her?
maybe it doesn't matter, honestly. she can do whatever she wants, as much or as little as she wants in terms of "giving" to me... and i'll take it.
it does shock me that she's so angry when i'm not happy with the miniscule parts of her that she doles out to me... she's so angry with me... i don't know if it's really "new" anger about the whatever-it-is-that-just-happened or if it's left over pain/anger/rage from so long ago....
probably doesn't matter.. the end result is the same...
she stays with bf.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
not on -that- day
for no particular reason, other than curiosity, yesterday i did some math.
yesterday was the 2,400th day since B and I first talked on the phone. we'd chatted and/or emailed for about a week before that. not counting holidays and sick days and days we didn't get to talk, that means we've talked about 1,700 days.
if it takes us 600 more days to get together, for 3,000 total, that'll be 10/09/2011. that seems way farther away than looking back to the first day...
=======
there's a significant family event coming up soon.... interestingly, on the day after the 5th anniversary of my divorce. Or, you could say the 1st day of the first year without one legal obligation. I'd hoped, against hope, that B would come to it with me. She'd always said she would, that we'd be together by then.
as the days have ticked by, she's become less sure.
yesterday she made convincing arguments on why she -shouldn't- be there. they make sense too.
it's also a way to prepare me for -not- being together by then.
not that she needs another reason. or any reason at all. i suppose being married is reason enough, ya know? there needs to be a compelling reason to leave a marriage, ya know?
yesterday was the 2,400th day since B and I first talked on the phone. we'd chatted and/or emailed for about a week before that. not counting holidays and sick days and days we didn't get to talk, that means we've talked about 1,700 days.
if it takes us 600 more days to get together, for 3,000 total, that'll be 10/09/2011. that seems way farther away than looking back to the first day...
=======
there's a significant family event coming up soon.... interestingly, on the day after the 5th anniversary of my divorce. Or, you could say the 1st day of the first year without one legal obligation. I'd hoped, against hope, that B would come to it with me. She'd always said she would, that we'd be together by then.
as the days have ticked by, she's become less sure.
yesterday she made convincing arguments on why she -shouldn't- be there. they make sense too.
it's also a way to prepare me for -not- being together by then.
not that she needs another reason. or any reason at all. i suppose being married is reason enough, ya know? there needs to be a compelling reason to leave a marriage, ya know?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
todays' word of the day: Harbinger
Punxsutawney Phil looking for his shadow... the coin toss at a football game... the stop light turning yellow... people in white coats standing over you looking down & yelling "CLEAR"....
what do all these things have in common?
they are all absolute harbingers of the events to immediately follow....
from dictionary.com:
i have a particular future in mind, one that i've been waiting for, trying to make happen (and sabotaging my own efforts in the meantime) for a long, long time... a future with my baby, B.
i keep looking for a -sign- that we're moving closer to that future.. i keep looking... despite my lack of spotting any, i try to keep this in mind.. "absence of evidence is not evidence of absence". makes sense. just because i can't find any indications that there is intelligent life in the universe is certainly not proof that there isn't...
so i have part of the equation... i know what will happen -if/when- something else, the harbinger, happens.. the only problem is... i have no ide what that might be... in kind of a backwards approach, i can see the negative corrollaries... if x doesn't happen, that future won't happen... if y doesn't happen, that future won't happen..
ok, so i don't have a harbinger. i can imagine what some examples of that might be... she leaves bf... she tells me to come see her and she gives herself to me... she says quit and move here to be with me... all those will pretty much be a damn solid indication of things to come...
what i do have are things that, without them happening, the desired future -is not- about to happen... the killer is that these are such "small" things in the ordinary world... but they're HUGE in this relationship..
my baby has a handful of pictures of her that i've asked for for years.. and no, they're not sex pix... most of them are about as innocent and non-privacy-invasive as you could imagine.... there's one of her in a pink t-shirt, wearing a ball cap with a pony tail.... a pic of her in a bikini... a pic of her in her wedding dress.... a pic of her wearing any of several tops i've bought for her... and one that, okay, is a -little- personal... I recently made and sent her something of significant meaning to her and I, and it's something that is publicly viewable, so it's not like panties or anything... i've been waiting for these pics for between 4 years and 2 weeks. she's fucked strangers in bars but won't let me see her in a ponytail.
is the picture thing a huge deal? maybe not. should it be? no, i can't imagine why it should. what i do know is that until she can let herself do something so... ?normal?innocent? nothing else will happen. strangers see her everyday. she has no problem with that. i'm hopefully a little more important to her than the strangers at the supermarket or that she jogs past while wearing a cap and a ponytail, but i'm not allowed to see such ordinary, everyday images of her. she -knows- how that makes me feel.
allowing my to see those pictures is not a harbinger of us getting together; many, many other things need to happen. but i do know that -until- i've earned the right to see them, until she decides that i'm allowed, that future isn't happening.
another "anti-harbinger" is visits to see her. in 15 months, i've seen her on one occasion and that visit didn't go so well. it's hard to imagine, all things considered, that she'd go from where we are now, IE having not seen each other since for-fucking-ever, to leaving hubby and starting a life with me, without at least -some- visits in between. -i- could; i could and would pick up today and move to be with her, move in together -tonight-, no hesitation. she can't even consider a possible date for another visit.
another "anti-harbinger".... talking to me about her plans. for her and i to be together, she has to get her things (finances, etc) lined up before leaving her husband. this requires planning, talking to an attorney, talking about tentative dates, talking about how we'll get together, what it will be like, talking about how we'll finally fulfill the dream of being together. we don't talk about any of that. i try to get her to at least think about us getting together in the hope that perhaps the desire for it will push her to start acting. we don't talk about any of that.
what do all these things have in common?
they are all absolute harbingers of the events to immediately follow....
from dictionary.com:
har-bin-ger [hahr-bin-jer]we -know- Phil is gonna see or not see his shadow and we're all going to then turn away feeling a little foolish for having gone to a freakin' groundhog for meteorological advice.. we -know- that the coin is gonna come down and someone will get possession of the ball.... we -know- the light is gonna turn red and we're gonna have to stop... we -know- they're about to shock the shit out of us and well, this is it or not...
–noun
2. anything that foreshadows a future event; omen; sign: Frost is a harbinger of winter.
Synonyms:
2. herald, forerunner, precursor, portent, indication.
i have a particular future in mind, one that i've been waiting for, trying to make happen (and sabotaging my own efforts in the meantime) for a long, long time... a future with my baby, B.
i keep looking for a -sign- that we're moving closer to that future.. i keep looking... despite my lack of spotting any, i try to keep this in mind.. "absence of evidence is not evidence of absence". makes sense. just because i can't find any indications that there is intelligent life in the universe is certainly not proof that there isn't...
so i have part of the equation... i know what will happen -if/when- something else, the harbinger, happens.. the only problem is... i have no ide what that might be... in kind of a backwards approach, i can see the negative corrollaries... if x doesn't happen, that future won't happen... if y doesn't happen, that future won't happen..
ok, so i don't have a harbinger. i can imagine what some examples of that might be... she leaves bf... she tells me to come see her and she gives herself to me... she says quit and move here to be with me... all those will pretty much be a damn solid indication of things to come...
what i do have are things that, without them happening, the desired future -is not- about to happen... the killer is that these are such "small" things in the ordinary world... but they're HUGE in this relationship..
my baby has a handful of pictures of her that i've asked for for years.. and no, they're not sex pix... most of them are about as innocent and non-privacy-invasive as you could imagine.... there's one of her in a pink t-shirt, wearing a ball cap with a pony tail.... a pic of her in a bikini... a pic of her in her wedding dress.... a pic of her wearing any of several tops i've bought for her... and one that, okay, is a -little- personal... I recently made and sent her something of significant meaning to her and I, and it's something that is publicly viewable, so it's not like panties or anything... i've been waiting for these pics for between 4 years and 2 weeks. she's fucked strangers in bars but won't let me see her in a ponytail.
is the picture thing a huge deal? maybe not. should it be? no, i can't imagine why it should. what i do know is that until she can let herself do something so... ?normal?innocent? nothing else will happen. strangers see her everyday. she has no problem with that. i'm hopefully a little more important to her than the strangers at the supermarket or that she jogs past while wearing a cap and a ponytail, but i'm not allowed to see such ordinary, everyday images of her. she -knows- how that makes me feel.
allowing my to see those pictures is not a harbinger of us getting together; many, many other things need to happen. but i do know that -until- i've earned the right to see them, until she decides that i'm allowed, that future isn't happening.
another "anti-harbinger" is visits to see her. in 15 months, i've seen her on one occasion and that visit didn't go so well. it's hard to imagine, all things considered, that she'd go from where we are now, IE having not seen each other since for-fucking-ever, to leaving hubby and starting a life with me, without at least -some- visits in between. -i- could; i could and would pick up today and move to be with her, move in together -tonight-, no hesitation. she can't even consider a possible date for another visit.
another "anti-harbinger".... talking to me about her plans. for her and i to be together, she has to get her things (finances, etc) lined up before leaving her husband. this requires planning, talking to an attorney, talking about tentative dates, talking about how we'll get together, what it will be like, talking about how we'll finally fulfill the dream of being together. we don't talk about any of that. i try to get her to at least think about us getting together in the hope that perhaps the desire for it will push her to start acting. we don't talk about any of that.
Friday, January 29, 2010
betcha thought i was dead, huh? or that my life had suddenly become everything i've always wanted and the bliss and happiness that pervades my days just completely eliminated the need to wail my self-pity from the middle of the street? or that maybe the overwhelming and inescapable truth of what i've been trying to tell her for so many years finally became unmistakeably clear to her and she came running to me with open arms?
yeah. not so much.
last time i was here was the end of october. she had told me that, beyond any shadow off a doubt, that there was absolutely no way in hell she would leave bf to be with me in the next 60 days.
so i had to hunker down and steel myself to continuing to be alone at least through the end of the year.
".. absolutely no way ..."
november was tough. very, very tough. by the end of november, i could feel the isolation starting to lighten and see faint glimpses of the future [we've] sought for so long.
and then there was december.
hitting the half-way point of the 60 days felt like cresting the hill and starting down the other side. i was looking forward to her opening up and starting to talk about the things we needed to do before being together.
except, it was december.
she was sick for several days. came in late or left early, or both, additional days. bf decided to have lunch with her, last minute, a couple times. she had an office party. her evening class got bumped up an hour at least once. between her being sick and the holidays, we didn't get a single 5 day week in december. i don't believe there was a single day that we got our "normal" amount of time together. every weekend was a 3-5 day weekend. with no contact. if in a regular month we have, say 60 hours that we can talk (beyond the 5 minute phone calls occasionally during the day) then I'd say in december we had -maybe- 30 hours.
ok, so becoming more hopeful during december clearly wasn't in the cards. but even so, i still knew that the no-way 60 day period was drawing to a close. surely, despite the dearth of time we had to spend with each other in december, surely january would bring a new year, a new decade and a new life. surely, we'd start talking about what concrete actions we needed to take, start planning the steps for getting from -here- to where we're supposed to be.
yeah. not so much.
to my delight, she asked, in early january, how much notice i needed to take a trip to see her. YAY! she's going to have me come see her! surely, SURELY this will be our beginning, no?
no. no trip. no beginning.
my job ends in march. i'll have been here for 13 months. i really, REALLY believed that this city was the one she'd finally join me in. i'd even discussed changing from contract to perm with my employer.
so, you might ask... how was the trip??? trip? what trip?
so, here we are. in 60-90 days i'll be gone from here. and she won't have been here. then again, she didn't join me in the last place i was at, in her state and only 180 miles away from her.
maybe in the next city, during the next contract. or the one after that.
so in the span of 3 months, my future has gone from "any day now" to "just 2 months" to "any day now" to ... "someday".
so, it's time to do what i've had to do five times since i've known her: find another job/contract, move to another city, try to arrange my schedule to coincide as best as possible with hers, find a new place to live. all without her. again. i really didn't think this would happen.
"the best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal"
everyday that she doesn't mention anything about it still hurts. how could it not? on the other hand, i no longer "expect" it to be any day, or anytime soon, so the devastating disappointment doesn't fall on me every day.
so i sit and wait patiently (or maybe not so patiently). i listen for any hint that she's interested in getting together. i look for any sign that it's in her thoughts.
i don't know that i can do it again when i have to leave the next city without her.
yeah. not so much.
last time i was here was the end of october. she had told me that, beyond any shadow off a doubt, that there was absolutely no way in hell she would leave bf to be with me in the next 60 days.
so i had to hunker down and steel myself to continuing to be alone at least through the end of the year.
".. absolutely no way ..."
november was tough. very, very tough. by the end of november, i could feel the isolation starting to lighten and see faint glimpses of the future [we've] sought for so long.
and then there was december.
hitting the half-way point of the 60 days felt like cresting the hill and starting down the other side. i was looking forward to her opening up and starting to talk about the things we needed to do before being together.
except, it was december.
she was sick for several days. came in late or left early, or both, additional days. bf decided to have lunch with her, last minute, a couple times. she had an office party. her evening class got bumped up an hour at least once. between her being sick and the holidays, we didn't get a single 5 day week in december. i don't believe there was a single day that we got our "normal" amount of time together. every weekend was a 3-5 day weekend. with no contact. if in a regular month we have, say 60 hours that we can talk (beyond the 5 minute phone calls occasionally during the day) then I'd say in december we had -maybe- 30 hours.
ok, so becoming more hopeful during december clearly wasn't in the cards. but even so, i still knew that the no-way 60 day period was drawing to a close. surely, despite the dearth of time we had to spend with each other in december, surely january would bring a new year, a new decade and a new life. surely, we'd start talking about what concrete actions we needed to take, start planning the steps for getting from -here- to where we're supposed to be.
yeah. not so much.
to my delight, she asked, in early january, how much notice i needed to take a trip to see her. YAY! she's going to have me come see her! surely, SURELY this will be our beginning, no?
no. no trip. no beginning.
my job ends in march. i'll have been here for 13 months. i really, REALLY believed that this city was the one she'd finally join me in. i'd even discussed changing from contract to perm with my employer.
so, you might ask... how was the trip??? trip? what trip?
so, here we are. in 60-90 days i'll be gone from here. and she won't have been here. then again, she didn't join me in the last place i was at, in her state and only 180 miles away from her.
maybe in the next city, during the next contract. or the one after that.
so in the span of 3 months, my future has gone from "any day now" to "just 2 months" to "any day now" to ... "someday".
so, it's time to do what i've had to do five times since i've known her: find another job/contract, move to another city, try to arrange my schedule to coincide as best as possible with hers, find a new place to live. all without her. again. i really didn't think this would happen.
"the best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal"
everyday that she doesn't mention anything about it still hurts. how could it not? on the other hand, i no longer "expect" it to be any day, or anytime soon, so the devastating disappointment doesn't fall on me every day.
so i sit and wait patiently (or maybe not so patiently). i listen for any hint that she's interested in getting together. i look for any sign that it's in her thoughts.
i don't know that i can do it again when i have to leave the next city without her.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
